DD dad doesn't check her while in his care!

[Teatwosugars88]

Aibu for thinking it is unacceptable that my ex didn't doesn't check on our dd during their contact to ensure she has drunk enough, isn't to hot, isn't hungry etc.

DD is 21 months, she currently sees her dad 4 hours a week which is court ordered. She often comes back dehydrated and on one occasion I had sent her off in 3 layers of clothing because it was cool at handover yet as the day got warmer he didn't remove layers so she sweated through all the layers. I've only just found out that he didn't actually remove the layers until the end of their time together.. so four hours on a day where it reached 21c. He is trying to make out that I dressed her inappropriately, even though he arrived with a jacket as the morning was that cool.

But am I being unreasonable to think he should have been checking her and removing layers. Leads me to believe he just isn't checking on her, even if he had checked her nappy he would have realised she was too warm. It makes me so mad that he would do this then try and blame me.

If she is getting so dehydrated in such a short space of time then she needs further investigation.how does she cope over night? @sirzy do you manage without a drink overnight? How about over 4 hours during the day? I bet you wouldn’t go 4 hours without drinking. Particularly if you’d been screaming the place down because you’re so distressed about your situation.

Jeez - some of the posters on this thread 😡

OP you are absolutely not being unreasonable here. Your ex is an arse. It sounds like he’s not bothered about seeing his daughter, he’s just doing it to spite you. To leave her in a pushchair for most of the visit is awful, it sounds like he can’t even be bothered to play with her. And he is neglecting her. Of course a child should have regular drinks and wear appropriate clothes, those things are fundamental.

Document absolutely everything OP and get SS involved.

Also with regards to the overdressing.. I sent dd in two layers before on a chilly morning with an additional layer in her bag.. ex wouldn't accept bag and said he has an extra layer. DD got cold during supervised contact and the social worker said I didn't dress her appropriately.. luckily I recorded handover to prove I had offered the extra layer but since then I just try to dress her accordingly so I can't get accused of dressing her inappropriately for the weather again. But that's what has happened because ex didn't undress her as it warmed up

OverTheRainbow88 You sound very controlling and have been very rude to me twice now.
You may not agree but I think is a fair comment since the subject is the quality if care OP’s DD is receiving.

It will warm up between morning and lunchtime, going indoors from an outside handover, though. Nothing you can do about that.

Keep strong.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

OverTheRainbow88 You sound very controlling and have been very rude to me twice now. You may not agree but I think is a fair comment since the subject is the quality if care OP’s DD is receiving.

Please knock it on the head. Giving juice (which to some people means diluted juice or sugar free squash anyway) to a 21 month old is not such a big issue that it is a “quality of care” issue. It’s personal choice.

Such a fuss about one mention of a “juice cup”.

Is he not being supervised? My late dp had to have 26 supervised sessions before he was allowed unsupervised access with his children, each session was supervised through caffcass, the first block at a contact centre, then at a venue my dp chose for the second block. He had to prove he was capable of caring for them before he was allowed to have them without supervision. Get in touch with caffcass & take it back to court.

He sound completely disinterested, I’m surprised he wants any visits - are his parents driving this?

OP it's not you. Some MNetters just like to do this, that is, search enthusiastically to find a way to make it the OP's fault no matter what the problem. It meets some frustrated need in them o guess. I'm rather shocked to see it on a thread about a neglected toddler though.

ArriettyJones Two mentions.

The reality of this situation is that you don’t want your child spending time with a man who abused you and you don’t trust to look after her. You’ve been overruled by the court and that’s highly anxiety inducing.

The court ordered that your child is cared for by someone who presents a danger to you. Mumsnetters need to understand that.

You are building a case against him and I don’t blame you.

I do think it’s likely to be separation anxiety rather than fear of her dad.

If social services are involved, I would literally pack a bag for her each time and write down what’s in it - clothing/drinks etc and get him to sign a document to say he has accepted or declined to take it.

How do you know that he isnt giving her a drink, and that she stays in the pushchair? Is one of the other adults telling you?

Ah OP I’m sorry you’re going through this. She’s still very little, she’s your baby, and every week you have to send her off to your abuser, who you doubt is caring for her adequately and you can see your child is visibly distressed. I’d be beside myself too.

Is there an opportunity for you to ask for access to be supervised by a social worker or contact centre? Do you have a mutual friend who you trust to look after DD’s interests, who your ex will tolerate and who might be able to supervise contact?

In terms of your DD in the meantime ... I would do a few things (though you shouldnt have to)-

If she’s in the pushchair, pop one juice cup in the seat of the chair with her, and give one to your ex. Make sure DD can use both independently.

Lighter layers - and maybe think about what clothes you put on her in terms of “if the weather goes either way”- tights and light dresses can actually be a good option and cooler than thick trousers. No big boots, no thick jumpers- maybe a thin cardie and a raincoat.

Make sure she’s fed something that will “last” her and give her a big drink before she goes- and maybe give a tub of fruit snacks like cut up grapes and melon which have lots of water to your ex to give to her?

Is she really in the pushchair the whole time?! Poor kid. If you can, maybe clip some of those little books/ toys to the buggy, so that she has something to play with. Does she still have a nap? Can you shift her nap time so she’s likely to sleep through some of the contact? (Not very fair to your ex in normal circumstances, but he’s not doing anything with her anyway by the sounds of it).

Is your DD verbal? Can you (subtly, and definitely don’t tell her what you’re doing) record her on your phone whilst you ask her about her time with daddy? All very neutral “have you had a good time? Did you have some drinks? Did you play?”

Finally- if juice comes back full/ nappy comes back full and has caused irritation/ her clothes are soaked with sweat- photograph it the second you’re alone with DD. There will be a time stamp on the photo and you could use as evidence of inadequate care.

The examples you give aren’t a big deal in themselves but they signpost your ex’s inability to capably parent, and if, for example, she fell ill, had an accident etc in his care things quickly could be much more serious.

I’d Be worried about leaving her sat in her buggy for hours on end .
Document everything
Try to film (,someHow ) The drop of to her dad and how she screams when she seees him .
Film what you can ,take photos,make a document to go back to court with

There's a lot going on here you are making massive assumptions .
surprised that 4hours lead to such dehydration she required a gp

there a danger on one will listen to you if your constant claims aren't rational .

I wouldn’t give her lots to drink beforehand, she’ll only br sitting in wet nappy for 4 hours. A cup attached to her buggy is a much better idea, she can have few sips when she wants to.

3 layers is far too much at this time of year - it's July!

It depends wherein the country you are.

here in the North it can start off very cool indeed - coat and jumper cool - and within an hour be uncomfortable hot even in a tee-shirt.

I can well believe that the baby needed three layers first thing, but would have had to be stripped down to tee-shirt or vest within a short time. It sounds as though her dad is just maintaining custody "because it's his right", rather than because ehe wants time with his daughter. Leaving a 21 month old strapped in her pushchair for four hours is cruel. It sounds as though she is probably left totally unattended during that time - nothing to drink, eat - no interaction at all if no-one even checks to make sure she is comfortable.

I don't blame you for worrying about her OP. It must break your heart to hand her over when she is so distressed.

Do you know why he even wants this contact time? Is it just to punish you?

Like you, I'd be doing everything to document how badly he's treating her & id also record her screaming when she sees him. This poor wee dot shouldn't be being made to go

I would push very hard for a contact centre as you're more likely to get that than stopping him seeing her at all.

What a wanker.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls I just refer to it as her juice cup, she either has flavoured water or sugar free squash.. she refuses to drink tap water. And yes his parents are very much driving contact.

As for sitting in her buggy for hours, it was documented by the social worker and because he goes to a local park many of my friends see him while out walking, they have dogs.

@rwalker, not rational, these are observations I've made and noted not only to gp but HV. They aren't concerned that dd is dehydrated in my care however are in exps. She soaked through her clothes, sweating excessively like that can lead to dehydration. Her development has also regressed again noted by hv.

I'm more concerned that it seems I'm being blamed for exp not looking after our daughter and while yes I can do things to mitigate this.. i.e. attaching the cup to her pushchair, I was simply asking if im being unreasonable to think his not looking after dd is quite frankly disgraceful.

I blame myself for many things, staying with him after he threatened to beat dd.. threatening to stab me while waving a Swiss knife, it took me a further 2 months to leave after that. But for how he fails to look after dd while I am not there I don't see how I am to blame.

Ive attempted to give him what she needs, spare clothes, juice cup, snacks etc for him to say no and then try to say I didn't do the above, luckily I recorded those things. Emailed her schedule, raised my concerns with him constantly before going to the GPS in case he just didn't know yet the same thing happens each time.

And also to be clear I didn't take dd to the gp Everytime with the dehydration.. however she didn't do wet nappies for 4-5 hours after contact. I took her to the gp in the end because a) ex wouldn't listen to me and in the end was getting agressive b) because I wanted to prove it was in fact dehydration and c) to have it formally recorded as he has ignored me on 5 other occasions before this. And yes some of you may say on those 5 occasions she may not have been dehydrated but I know and noted the symptoms I saw and gave ex the benefit of doubt.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Juice cup? Do you give her juice at 21 months old?

Christ!

I bet the visits are the longest 4 hours ever! Its clear you dont like him having visitation rights understandably, I wouldnt either if it was my child. He clearly can’t care for her or put her needs first. As PP suggests I think he might be doing it to punish you, he clearly isnt bothered about her much.

I would also document her upset at going and suggest a contact centre instead which would be better for DD. At drop off could you say its so good to have a break .. to do other things, ie. use a bit of reverse physiology so he may loose interest if he thinks having her is helping you. But, that may be a bad idea I dont know...

@PerspicaciaTick

4 hours without a drink led to dehydration so severe you took her to a GP? How does she cope without having a drink for 8-10 hours every night? TBH he sounds a bit crap but you sound like you a building a case against him.

Yep. Four hours is nothing. I can't believe you took her to a GP for that. It really does seem as though you're trying to create a paper trail of to use later.

As I stated I didn't go to the GP straight away, I sent him emails, texts to try and give him the benefit of the doubt. When he didn't do this yes I took her to the GP and one of the reasons was to have a paper trail and prove I wasn't making it up.

Tell you what all of you who think it isn't possible how about you dress your children in 3 layers on a hot day don't take the clothes off or offer them water and then see if they're dehydrated at the end. To become dehydrated there are many variables, size of the person, climate, sweating, drinking, urine out put. To be honest I don't care that some don't believe she was dehydrated.. it's confirmed by a GP I know she wasn't dehydrated before she left as she had full nappies.

@saraclara, of course I am this is a man who abused his own child, confirmed he abused her and then the courts said let's move forward. It isn't the first time he has done this, it happened when dd was a lot younger and breastfed. I gave him the benefit of my doubt, asked him to offer her drink or to leave her cup with her. So yes I raised it with my gp because if, God forbid if once contact increases dd becomes so servely dehydrated that she gets admitted or something else happens and I get questioned as to why I didn't raise my concerns then what am I to say. Oh I saw the signs but 4 hours isn't anything!?

So many times we as women are told about red flags to look out for and to document everything and get slammed if you haven't..the moment you do all of sudden we are the issue even if there has been abuse in the past