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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband and my friend

104 replies

lunkitsmum · 24/07/2020 13:05

I have a single friend who has had a lot of unsettled relationships over the last few years several with married men, she has been very flirty when drunk with my husband and has started at least 4 private message conversations with him(that he's told me about)In fairness about innocent stuff like gardening or toys her son might like but I've seen at least once she's invited him over. She knew I was upset with her about this because they aren't friends independ of me and I told her it crossed the line. I've been away visiting family for a week and she text me to ask about my trip but seemed to know id come back early...also a few other alarm bells we both have trackers on our cars but my access to husband's cars movements wasn't working last week he also told me randomly about bumping into a friend and how he gave him a lift home the other day. The friend happens to live on the same street as her also as soon as I got home he made a big deal about changing our bed sheets. We've had a bust up about his suspicious behaviour. I've never had a reason not to trust him before and he swears on our child's life that he would never do anything like that I feel so sad about it now...am I being stupid?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2020 13:07

he swears on our child's life that he would never do anything

Did he do that voluntarily?

I’ve never known an innocent person do that.

SoulofanAggron · 24/07/2020 13:12

I'm always suspicious at 'swear on our child's life.'

The bed sheet changing also seems dodgy in context.

Morgan12 · 24/07/2020 13:18

Definitely requires more digging. What message service did she send him messages on?

Mysocalledlifexx · 24/07/2020 13:20

It does seem strange , its time to get rid of that friend, its not normal to send messages to a friends husband ,its you she should be asking advice not your husband.
Think your going to have it out with the both of them to get the truth.

MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 13:34

but seemed to know id come back early...
She's obviously psychic, ask her to give you numbers for the lottery.

my access to husband's cars movements wasn't working last week
Strange coincidence.

he also told me randomly about bumping into a friend and how he gave him a lift home the other day.
This is a red flag the size of Moscow.

The friend happens to live on the same street as her
Another coincidence.

also as soon as I got home he made a big deal about changing our bed sheets.
Bleurgh!

lunkitsmum · 24/07/2020 13:43

Yeah he said it voluntarily, but in a shocked laughing can't believe you'd even suspect anything like this of me kind of way. They were on FB messenger. He said I could check his messages if it made me feel better but obviously it takes 2 seconds to delete so would achieve nothing. Not sure where to go from here...I've got nothing solid to go on, just feeling a bit uncomfortable with everything together.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 24/07/2020 13:43

Hmm certainly suspicious but nothing beyond reasonable doubt as yet. I'd be keeping a very close eye on them both.

MizMoonshine · 24/07/2020 13:51

Apparently if you log into FB on desktop you can retrieve deleted messages.

FloggingMoll · 24/07/2020 13:53

Yeah, she's not your friend. I'd be ditching her and thinking very seriously about your relationship. The changing of the sheets would be the clincher for me.

Spied · 24/07/2020 13:55

Why are you still friends with this untrustworthy woman?

binkyblinky · 24/07/2020 13:55

Something not right is there x

SunbathingDragon · 24/07/2020 14:00

She is not your friend. His behaviour sounds suspicious. Whilst it could be completely innocent, I would listen your gut instinct.

GotOutOfBedOnTheWrongSide · 24/07/2020 14:04

No this reallyyyyy isn't right!

At the moment you have no proof and don't know if something is definitely going on, so for now I would continue as normal.

If he is having an affair it will show itself, especially now that you have these feelings. As soon as you get any confirmation of them being together (secretive with phone, disappearing, working late etc) then leave him. Don't let him do this to you.

InkieNecro · 24/07/2020 14:04

My ex used to do a sort of laugh when denying he was cheating. Obviously it doesn't mean your husband is but I would be too suspicious not to do anything about it.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 24/07/2020 14:09

I think you need to keep calm and quietly do some digging, personally I'd let him think it had blown over so that hopefully he'll let his guard down and you can get proof.

MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 14:11

If you notice any strange behaviour, it will be something he does normally but there'll be something that strikes you as not quite right about it.

It will be something like he needs a part for his bike or a pint of milk, or he nips round to his mate's, and he's out for hours trying to get it, and he had a shower and a shave before he went.

Or the words he uses change (Think "did not have sexual relations with that woman", when he'd normally say ''nothing going on'').

Some single women are husband/partner stealers. Your friend is one of them.

Hiddennameforever · 24/07/2020 14:29

Oh terrible. I had (have) friend like that before..she was always wearing low cut tops and rubbing herself when my husband came around when we were dating..disgusting.
Why would he want change beds ?

Diverseopinions · 24/07/2020 14:31

Re changing the bed, did you surprise your partner by coming home early? I know your friend turned out to be aware that your trip had been shorter than intended, but did you take your partner by surprise when you put the key in the door? If you had phoned to say you were cutting things short and would see him in three hours time, surely he'd change the sheets while you were en route ( if feeling guilty), rather than do it as you were getting your bags in from the car and settling back in.

angelofmum · 24/07/2020 14:33

Unfriend your so called friend. Even if nothings happening she's massively crossed the line! She definitely fancies your husband if she's finding excuses to message him.

LockdownMayhem · 24/07/2020 14:53

I don't know why he would have waited until you got home before changing the sheets? Surely if he was bothered he's just do it before you got home?

SneakyBlinder · 24/07/2020 14:59

If my OH changed the bed sheets without me asking (begging) him 2....I’d know something was up, he’s never made the bed in his life!!
Hope it’s all innocent tho OP. I’ve been there (years ago) and it’s a horrible feeling 💐 x

lunkitsmum · 24/07/2020 15:02

He knew a couple of days before I was coming home early, when I got in he said he hadn't changed the bed that week and it'd be nice to have fresh sheets because I'd had a long drive etc. I think my gut is saying my friend fancies my husband (he's a nice guy dependable and financially comfortable) I think they have been chatting and it's boosted his ego... Keeping my eyes wide open from now but he has always been very secretive about his phone and I wouldn't know his passwords for anything so not sure how I would be able to practically do much else 😬 taking a step back from the friendship. Going to hope the other stuff was coincidence.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 24/07/2020 15:07

I'd bet money on her having done more than boost his ego.

RoLaren · 24/07/2020 15:14

My instinct is that he's cheated. Mentioning the bedsheets was to preempt your question why.

Sorry, OP, I hope the truth comes out sooner rather than later.

sunshinesupermum · 24/07/2020 15:17

'Change the bedsheets'? Has he suggested this before?