Husband and my friend

[lunkitsmum]

I have a single friend who has had a lot of unsettled relationships over the last few years several with married men, she has been very flirty when drunk with my husband and has started at least 4 private message conversations with him(that he's told me about)In fairness about innocent stuff like gardening or toys her son might like but I've seen at least once she's invited him over. She knew I was upset with her about this because they aren't friends independ of me and I told her it crossed the line. I've been away visiting family for a week and she text me to ask about my trip but seemed to know id come back early...also a few other alarm bells we both have trackers on our cars but my access to husband's cars movements wasn't working last week he also told me randomly about bumping into a friend and how he gave him a lift home the other day. The friend happens to live on the same street as her also as soon as I got home he made a big deal about changing our bed sheets. We've had a bust up about his suspicious behaviour. I've never had a reason not to trust him before and he swears on our child's life that he would never do anything like that I feel so sad about it now...am I being stupid?

Your H is cheating with this OW. They are making a fool of you.

Be very watchful with your husband and please for your own sake get rid of the (false) friend

It def sounds like he's cheating

Always trust your gut instinct op, it’s very rarely wrong.

Why on earth would you keep a friend you think is remotely capable of sleeping with your DH? You should've ditched her ages ago...

Bloody hell OP, hope you’re OK. That would make me sick to my stomach.

Try get hold of his phone, look everywhere. Photos, deleted photos, deleted email folder. On messenger, all apps. Maybe once he’s asleep you could message her from her phone saying hi or something and see what she replies.

Does sound a bit suspicious. But what doesn’t make sense is that if he had disconnected the tracker the week you were away which is what I think you were implying - why has he then gone on to mention that he had dropped a friend off he bumped into, who lives in the same road as your friend. He wouldn’t have needed to mention that to try and cover his tracks if the tracker had been removed??!

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

Does sound a bit suspicious. But what doesn’t make sense is that if he had disconnected the tracker the week you were away which is what I think you were implying - why has he then gone on to mention that he had dropped a friend off he bumped into, who lives in the same road as your friend. He wouldn’t have needed to mention that to try and cover his tracks if the tracker had been removed??!

Maybe in case he’d been spotted in her road?

It does all sound incredibly dodgy especially the bumping into the friend who lived in the same road.

It reminds me of a friend of my dad's who suspected his wife of having an affair with their next door neighbour. His wife went away to a caravan park in the summer with their children and sent my dad's friend (her husband) a postcard which said "Having a great time. You'll never guess who's staying in the next caravan to us!" Yep it was of course the neighbour and she was very badly attempting to cover her tracks like your DH with his story about the mate that lives in your friend's road.

Lunkits - do you know this ‘friend’ who he bumped into that lives on her road? If so could you also somehow bump into him/her sometime soon and casually drop into conversation?

Do you have another friend who wouldn't be that familiar with your husband or this woman?
I know this is going to sound awful, but you could get another person to follow them and see what they are really up to.
My friend did something similar and found her husband having dinner and being all touchy feely with another woman.
You would be too easily spotted if you were to follow

“Do you have another friend who wouldn't be that familiar with your husband or this woman?
I know this is going to sound awful, but you could get another person to follow them and see what they are really up to.
My friend did something similar and found her husband having dinner and being all touchy feely with another woman.
You would be too easily spotted if you were to follow”

How would you know when husband would be next going out? Very difficult to follow someone especially if they are driving

I would casually drive down her road and say "oh which house does your friend live at" DH points it out..

Stop the car and say oh shall we pop in, get out car and make towards door.

DH either panic at randomer having his door knocked or ok

You'll get more evidence soon enough. They won't stop now until they're properly caught.

“I think you need to keep calm and quietly do some digging, personally I'd let him think it had blown over so that hopefully he'll let his guard down and you can get proof.”

I agree. Watch and wait. It may be totally innocent, and may not be.

Have a look on bank statements for any unusual transactions.

Maybe put your phone on charge, and ask to borrow his to check the lottery results, see how much the house for sale up the road is Going for etc. Any excuse to use his phone etc.

Like others have said, how often does he change the bedding?

I’m also wondering whether you know this other friend, and can drop into conversation how your husband gave him/her a lift etc.

Sorry to read this. Your gut instinct is normally right.
Firstly.. And I seem to be in the minority but my ex would have changed the sheets..my thoughts were never 'has he slept in this bed with someone else'
However I have experienced the other side and it can be a sign especially with the other points youve added.
Secondly if he's got a tracker surely from now you can see where he will be?

How come you both have trackers on cars? Was that his idea?

Does he normally change bed sheetsif he doesn't that's a big red one right there

Who bloody needs 'friends' like that!

Hi op I would have to let this friend go . Once they cross they line there's no coming back from it . I could never trust her with my husband again . She could just be doing it because she's having a hard time and just wants some attention but she's going about it the wrong way . I would also ask your husband to have no more contact with her and if friends on social media if that's where they are messaging on to unfriend her. I'd be really suspicious about the bed changing . My friend was cheating on her partner when he was working away 😭 and she was always paranoid about clean bedding . I hope your ok op . Morning worse than going through this x

I know that awful feeling when you suddenly realise you can’t trust the one person you should be able to trust with your life.
Nothing to add, but the sheet changing thing if he wouldn’t normally is a big red flag.
The truth will out eventually.

I would go to see this woman and say "I've come to tell you that I won't have you hanging around my husband or my house; this relationship is over. Do not contact us again".

     Just sufficiently  ambiguous;  if they are guilty of course  she 'll contact him right away  with  "How the hell does she know? What does she know? Did you tell her ?"   and he won't be able to hide  his panic from you.

@DarkHelmet

The phone thing is an issue too. There's a difference between privacy and secrecy. This was a thing with my exh too. Privacy is you knowing his passwords but not having any interest in his phone. Secrecy is you not knowing his passwords and him still being guarded with it.

I don’t get why couples have to be able to access each other’s phones. I’m not up to anything dodgy but my DH cannot access my phone, iPad or computer. I cannot access his. Neither of us have ever asked for, or needed to access one another’s devices.

The tracker thing is odd too. I share my google location with DH if I go for a long bike ride by myself in case I have an accident, but otherwise why would we need to be able to track each other?

I think once you have suspicions and doubts you’ve crossed into a territory where the trust is broken and that really is the problem regardless of whether he has actually cheated or not. I had this with an ex bf, I believed he was up to something, that was enough for me. I still don’t know details of what he actually got up to, but the suspicions were there and I couldn’t relax or trust him after that. I’m sorry this is happening to you OP.

I wouldn't waste energy on digging. Not worth it.
Just get on with living with one eye and ear open.

Prying will be used against you, in the ensuing argument - whether they're together or not - it will be your fault for finding out! (That's how they'll see it)

Phone secrecy, and changing sheets are not confirmation. I'm pretty private about my phone, because it's really the only thing that's solely mine. (Also I grew up with mobiles at school when your friends would lock you out or send messages if they got hold of it!)

I think the only confirmation is actually seing/catching them together.

Take the moral high ground:

If they are doing something, she's a shitty friend, and he's a shitty husband, you've been wronged, but I wouldn't say you were a fool - you'd be a decent person who got lied to.

If they aren't doing something - she's still a shitty friend (Who has relationships with married people and tells other people - sounds like a power thing), he's a generally shitty man (Who changes the sheets so infrequently that it's worth commenting on when he does change them!) - you still wouldn't be a fool, but maybe question your choice of friends and men!

My DP changed the bed and the kids often, do men not do this, he also hoovers, washes up and irons, cooking is a no go.

He can access my phone he knows the code and I know his. If I’m going for a run I’ll tell him what route I’m going incase I fall or a weirdo takes me but we don’t have trackers, who the hell puts trackers on cars? If he put a tracker on my car he’d see it at the police station reporting him for being an absolute bell end.

Could never sneak anyone here we have CCTV and ring door bell haha unless he turned it off.

Those things he’s saying are covering his tracks incase someone else has seen him. If someone says I saw your DH down CHEATING STREET you will think oh Dave dropped him back. He’s sowing the seeds of reassurance sorry bullshit, as for your friend I’d fuck her right off out of it

Not a good friend it seems.

I think it's the husband's job to keep his boundaries in the right place and keep a distance from this woman, if he wants to stay in the marriage.

Maybe a conversation about boundaries is an idea and it should be him telling this friend he is not interested and won't keep in contact with her. He needs to sort it out, if it's not too late.

And OP you can decide if you want to have her as friend.

Little loyalty from this friend. Same from husband. And looks like poor boundaries (if not crossed yet) on his side.