Husband and my friend

[lunkitsmum]

I have a single friend who has had a lot of unsettled relationships over the last few years several with married men, she has been very flirty when drunk with my husband and has started at least 4 private message conversations with him(that he's told me about)In fairness about innocent stuff like gardening or toys her son might like but I've seen at least once she's invited him over. She knew I was upset with her about this because they aren't friends independ of me and I told her it crossed the line. I've been away visiting family for a week and she text me to ask about my trip but seemed to know id come back early...also a few other alarm bells we both have trackers on our cars but my access to husband's cars movements wasn't working last week he also told me randomly about bumping into a friend and how he gave him a lift home the other day. The friend happens to live on the same street as her also as soon as I got home he made a big deal about changing our bed sheets. We've had a bust up about his suspicious behaviour. I've never had a reason not to trust him before and he swears on our child's life that he would never do anything like that I feel so sad about it now...am I being stupid?

What anyone else's husband does or does not do around the house is largely irrelevant. If THIS husband would never normally change the sheets, but suggested it in this chain of events, that's a big red flag.

Mind you, isn't it interesting how many of our other halves never think to change sheets?! Interesting and revolting!

It seems like he said the car story in case anyone spotted him parked there and told you, or in case turning the tracker off didn't work.

He's offered his phone to check, take it. Then message your friend from his phone. His reaction and her response will tell you all you need to know!

He’s lying through his teeth and she let you know she knew you were back early on purpose.

I’d 100% go and ask that friend if he actually gave him a lift home.

A little story about my life. I suspected my exh was involved with a woman who was my friend but also married to his friend. Ex would pop down to help her when her h was away.

I confronted him with my suspicions (late night phone calls, working late etc) and was painted the paranoid psycho wife. He left about 6 months later saying he couldn't live with someone who didn't trust him.

6 months after that he was living with her ... they still deny anything went on but everyone knows it's bullshit

I have a single friend who has had a lot of unsettled relationships over the last few years several with married men

Was it okay until it's your DH she makes a play for?

This is the problem with friends who have these kind of morals and values...and until it affects you... it's easy to ignore.

You know she's capable of this.

Regarding the bedsheets..wel in 20 plus years of marriage I can probably count the times DH had changed the sheets... so that would definitely make me suspicious.

The car tracker is another alert...their up to no good...the swearing on a child's life is often fine by cheaters. Done by men in the main too.

Cut her out of your life and tell your DH to block her.

I'd be questing more if it were my DH
Did he know your tracker for his car wasn't working?

Honestly, OP, if your gut is telling you something is off, there's a very high chance you're right.

You'll be picking up on patterns of behaviour or speech/phraseology that aren't quite normal for your DH and you'll know something isn't quite right, even if you can't exactly put your finger on it.

Keep quiet about it, keep calm, trust your gut and look for evidence.

Going to go against the grain here slightly.

While on the surface this might seem suspicious, there are a couple of things which make me wonder....

You know this friend has form for getting involved with married men yet you are still encouraging a friendship between you despite the fact she’s been messaging your husband.

He has a tracker in his car and you are tracking his movements. Why? This would be a red flag for me on your side tbh, If a woman posted here that her dh was tracking her movements she would be told that he was controlling.

No-one here can comment on the sheets because nobody knows what is the norm. FWIW my DP always changes the sheets when he’s here in fact I now have to do them myself and I hate doing the duvet . my eXH also used to change the bed so it really is impossible to know.

But while it could be possible he is seeing this woman, To me it sounds as if you want to suspect him of something, perhaps so you can accuse him of something. You have a friend who has form for engaging with married men into the mix so valid fodder to make accusations.

Tracking your husband really is not normal.

Sorry but if my DH every voluntarily changed and wash our sheets I would know he is up to something

Follow your gut instinct

IF there is anything untoward, this woman isn't your friend.

However, it's your DH who is more questionable. As I see it, if he is not 'strong' enough to stave off any nonsense from this woman, then he is the problem here.

And whether men do/don't change the beds is only relevant to your DH due to suspicious behaviour.

The key for me would be the friend he gave the lift to. You can't know for sure why he changed the bedsheets, or if the tracker on the car malfunctioned, but you could know if he lied about the lift. And if he did, you have your answer. Ask to see his phone again. Check the contact between your DH and the friend he gave a lift to. If there are no calls or messages between them on the day, or planning to meet on that day then the lift is probablly bogus. Do you or anyone alse know the friend that can casually mention the lift and see if it's true? If it's going to niggle away at you and you need an answer, then that's what you need to find out. And drop the friend.

Sole lavender I would do that

The key is definitely in speaking to the friend he bumped into and gave a lift to. You somehow need to find out from that person if this happened and I would be making that a priority over anything else. That is going to be your only concrete evidence as the rest of the stuff such as failing tracker and changing bedsheets is just circumstantial. I personally couldn’t continue in a relationship until I knew for sure as it would eat away at me.

I wouldn’t have a friend that constantly dated married men ,anywhere near me if I was happily married . She obviously has no issues crossing boundaries .
If she texted my DH once that would be the first and last time . I hate the idea of people creeping about behind my back .
The whole changing bedsheets sounds really weird tbh . I also admit I don’t get why you both have trackers on each other’s cars . That seems pretty weird too . I wouldn’t have a tracker on my car , not because I ever done anything wrong , but because if DH feels the need to track me ( or vice versa)the relationship is in real trouble .
I suggest you do what other pp have suggested , find out more about this supposed friend that he gave a lift to . If he’s lying ,his story is going to unravel

There are a number of suspicious circumstances, however it would seem more probable that DH went round to OP friend's house to look at a malfunctioning tap, or something, and knows that this woman is flirty and he should really have told you first - or, not gone at all. Is it really believable that the two of them would conduct an affair, sleep in the marital bed - all within the duration of trip away by OP of only a few days. The neighbours would see all the comings and goings. It would be far too risky. OP husband is nice, she says, reliable. He isn't a foolhardy and unintelligent risk-taker.

Sheet-changing might be to get rid of a smell of after-shave which he doesn't usually wear. Some flirting going on. If his friend lives on OW road, it would be risky for DH to visit OW in the evening, or to do anything except turn up there in the day carrying a bag of DIY tools.

It would be hard to question DH lift-receiving friend. If asked a factual question, point blank, his instinct might warn him to say "Yes. I saw him"' Out of a sort of loyalty and wish to avoid being embroiled in another couple's drama. Why else would you do the strange thing of questioning him out of context unless you were going to give your DH a hard time about something. Make the conversation too casual, and he'll give vague answers which might be indeterminate or ascribed to poor memory: ' Hi! How are you? DH said he hasn't seen you for a while and then gave you a lift recently". ANSWER: "Mmm. We must meet up and go to The Dog and Duck again. I'm seeing someone. I think you'd like her". "No look. You haven't properly answered my question about the lift". " I think he did give me lift recently. Gosh, getting old. Can't remember when it was". Difficult for OP to get too pointed.

Don't people have tracking on cars in case they are stolen?

Changing the bedsheets got my full attention, OP.

Re tracker on cars, ours has an app that tells you when service due, how much petrol is has etc and where its parked and if doors locked etc.

I imagine a lot of new cars have this so its not a tracker as such

unless he is a regular sheet changer the bed sheets would do it for me. I cant say i’ve ever changed the sheets to give my wife a bed to come home to!!!!

Isn't changing the bed linen in front of her a giveaway? He could easily have changed the bedding a couple of days earlier when he had been informed by OP that she had decided to come back earlier. He could have put on a wash, tumble-dried or replaced on the bed, all before her return. ( Most unlikely she has marked the detergent carton with a felt pen mark or been studying water consumption on the metre. If you pull off sheets in front of a partner, they are likely to say, "I'll take those, and bung them in". Your partner might decide to look over the sheets at any point between journey to washing basket and being stuffed in a washing machine. You are just drawing attention to yourself by doing it in front of returning partner. And if DH is a bit naive, OW - with all her experience - wouldn't be, she'd say " Put these sheets in the wash, and for goodness sake do it today, so they'll be dry well before OP gets back!".

I don't agree with others that changing sheets is indicative of serious disloyalty.

His pre empting answers and over explaining everything indicates a liar.

Diverseopinions - this is a very naive thought process - saying the DH seems nice and reliable (from what OP describes) doesn’t mean he is not capable of an affair. You can still have a nice personality (and not be a monster) to have out an affair. People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. And yes it is possible that they could have slept together in a weekend. I’m not saying they have but your reasoning is very naive

Has he ever changed the bed sheets? Has his location ever stopped working before? Has he ever bumped into that friend and dropped him home to that road? Answer is probably no but all these little things on their own maybe don't mean much but together hmm I'd say he's guilty of something. Sorry op. Ditch the friend. X