I am refusing to continue to support my Ex-Wife AIBU?

[QwertyZXY]

I would like to ask the crowd whether I am being unreasonable.

I am a guy who has left his wife after a long marriage and still have two children at private school.
Both were earning good salaries, but ex has lost hers recently and refuses to even try to look for another and my own job is far from secure.

I moved into a rented house at the start of the year and ex refuses to discuss a financial settlement but wants me to continue to pay for the running costs of the marital home and the children.

The children spend half the time with me and half with her, slightly more than half with her during the holidays.

She has the house which still has a small mortgage (which I am paying), and takes the view that she will keep the house as I left her. There is enough equity in the house to buy two very modest houses that are big enough for the two kids.

I have felt exploited for many years as I have always paid for everything (school fees, mortgage, bills) and she has kept her salary for all the fun things (multiple holidays, a nice car for herself)

School fees are more than half my income,
Rent on my house is half of what is left
and after everything else is paid (food, car, insurance, bills) I am spending more that I earn and have to spend capital.

She has her own capital enough to pay the bills for several years, and a rental property in her name that she is deliberately keeping empty!

She has just asked me to pay her maintenance and I have refused as anything more will have to come out of my capital rather than hers.

Based on these facts.
Is this a reasonable position for me to take?

You need to see a solicitor.

See a solicitor. Now.

Are you divorced? Is there a financial order in place?

I am reminded of Wright v Wright where the Ex had done nothing to get a job and was told by the courts to get on with it - and her spousal maintenance tapered accordingly.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Get yourself to a solicitor now. You both need to have a fresh start. I wouldn't be paying maintenance to her either. It doesn't matter that you left her.

See a solicitor to arrange divorce and proper split of ALL marital assets (which will likely include her capital & other properties). She can't force you to live in poverty while she carries on as normal.

You need legal advice, not randoms on mumsnet.

You will need to look at all income and outgoings.

What's the job market like for her industry at the moment? Is she likely to be able to find work and soon? If so I'd be telling her to get her bum back to work and also that you'll be selling the house to make division of capital more equitable. You shouldn't have to pay for her house and yours

on the face of what you have written, no that's not fair.

She has assets she can live off (the rental house) and you would probably be entitled to some of the equity in the family home. Its not fair for you to pay rent and mortgage.

Keep receipts and records of what you are paying.

Legal advice is key though

As above you need legal advice. From your post it seems unreasonable for her not to be supporting her children financially particularly when they are with you 50/50 anyway. She should get a job really

The way you lay it out makes it sound very unreasonable on her part but there’s two sides to every story. I’m not sure why you haven’t seen a solicitor already, it sounds like you need to get divorced or at least protect your assets.

Also you mention ‘multiple holidays’, were they just for her?

You are being so reasonable that you may eventually financially destroy your future. I believe there's no courts that will allow this unfair arrangement. If you go 50/50 access with the children you equally need a reasonable home for the children. Also I dont believe you'd have to pay child maintenance. Good luck for the future

If school fees take up half of your income then you can’t afford private school. Find a decent state school and send your kids there.

She bought a car for herself - but you also have a car so presumably you also paid for it yourself? I struggle to understand how this is unfair. Ditto the holidays - I doubt she went by herself.

I don’t think this seems fair no. You will get moral opinions on here but you need a solicitor to sort it all properly and fairly. She needs to rent her house out to pay the mortgage and bills on where she lives just because you left you can’t be skint because of it your allowed to make that choice

What everyone else said. You need a solicitor.

YANBU. She needs to take responsibility for herself, she’s a grown woman.

What does your solicitor say ?

You need to get your financial affairs sorted legally and finally so that everyone knows where they stand. And your wife's assets will definitely be part of the pot. Stop being a mug and get it over with.

And you can't afford private school. It's a luxury, not an essential, so the kids will need to go state.

No, it doesn’t seem fair, but you need proper legal advice and to be more dispassionate about it. While you were married then family income will be seen as just that. It will be difficult to argue that you had a problem with your wife’s car and holiday choices (did she holiday alone? Did she use the car for the kids? Do you have a car?). You can’t live a high dual income one home lifestyle and then retrospectively complain that those purchases were feckless when you’re down to one income and two homes. You also need to consider the needs of the children in terms of is it better for them to remain in the family home atm rather than sell, it it better for them to have a sahp in the immediate future, is it realistic that your wife is going to find work very soon? If you have a half decent state school within either of your homes catchment areas then I would try to get them into it, unless they are right near the end of secondary and you can wing the last few years.

Get a solicitor involved and push for divorce and division of assets. Depending on how / when she got her 2nd house, that may also be taken into account! Is it big enough, in same area that she could move into her other house? Or could you come to an agreement that you could live in other house (if you wanted)?

It definitely seems like she is being unfair. Why did you leave her? Is there another woman involved?

Get a divorce
go through solicitors.
All assets will be taken into account
Pension assets capital every thing

I wonder what her side of the story is? Maybe she felt 'exploited' by certain things. How did you treat her while you were married and why did you leave?

Tbh as it was your decision to leave i agree entirely that you should continue to pay the running costs of the house.

Why are you asking random people on the internet?
Consult a solicitor.

To those posters saying take the kids out of private school, they’ve already had their family broken up, and the OP has said both he and his wife have capital. Please don’t use this as a strategy against your wife to get her to do what you want, it’s not the kids fault. You do need to work out how to finance it if it’s a continuing choice, but not as a ‘look what daddy/mummy is making me do’.