I am refusing to continue to support my Ex-Wife AIBU?

[QwertyZXY]

I would like to ask the crowd whether I am being unreasonable.

I am a guy who has left his wife after a long marriage and still have two children at private school.
Both were earning good salaries, but ex has lost hers recently and refuses to even try to look for another and my own job is far from secure.

I moved into a rented house at the start of the year and ex refuses to discuss a financial settlement but wants me to continue to pay for the running costs of the marital home and the children.

The children spend half the time with me and half with her, slightly more than half with her during the holidays.

She has the house which still has a small mortgage (which I am paying), and takes the view that she will keep the house as I left her. There is enough equity in the house to buy two very modest houses that are big enough for the two kids.

I have felt exploited for many years as I have always paid for everything (school fees, mortgage, bills) and she has kept her salary for all the fun things (multiple holidays, a nice car for herself)

School fees are more than half my income,
Rent on my house is half of what is left
and after everything else is paid (food, car, insurance, bills) I am spending more that I earn and have to spend capital.

She has her own capital enough to pay the bills for several years, and a rental property in her name that she is deliberately keeping empty!

She has just asked me to pay her maintenance and I have refused as anything more will have to come out of my capital rather than hers.

Based on these facts.
Is this a reasonable position for me to take?

If she's refusing to engage or be reasonable I would take it to court.

Have all assets split 50:50 including the rental property in her name.

Why does she expect to get two properties and you nothing?

You're both going to be housing your children you both need to be adequately housed. All assets need to be split in half.

You could offer not to go for half her rental property if she splits the former marital home in a bigger percentage to you.

But I'd definitely go to court and get it sorted once and for all.

You need to do this legally and via a court

You've given her enough chance to resolve the situation between you two I, but you can't so the legal route is the only one left

You’re married so all assets, shares, pensions and bank accounts and debts are shared 50/50 regardless of whose name is on them.

You seem very frustrated which is not surprising as divorce is difficult. It sounds like you both need solicitors and to go to court to get it sorted out fairly. The starting point is a 50/50 split which may be adjusted for the children’s benefit and individual circumstances.

From my own experience the court where happy that each of us had a car rather than look at individual value of the cars. You could ask your solicitor if the value of the cars could be taken into account. See what they say.

It isn’t a nice process but one that is necessary for a lot people in a divorce. Ask for a clean break so it’s final.

You need to formally offer mediation, and get it properly recorded that she has refused.

Then work out, with your solicitor, what would be a fair settlement, starting with 50/50, but modifying in light of circumstances (she has the DC slightly more of the time over a year, you both need to afford wherever you each live next, she may have reduced pension contributions if she worked less to look after family, school fees are expensive but for a specific time, she may need a supported period to retrain and job seek)

Be fair, and if you can be, generous. The nature of the settlement will affect your DC and it is important to do right by them. Make sure expectations for level of support at university or similar are also laid out clearly

Tbh as it was your decision to leave i agree entirely that you should continue to pay the running costs of the house What the hell?! Why would you think that? Would you want your husband to stay with you just because be wouldn't be able to afford to keep you should you split? Can you imagine trying to save your marriage for years and desperately wanting to leave but not being able to as you can't afford his rent and yours?

OP Your wife needs to get some self respect and look for jobs so she isn't being kept by a man. Her being this dependent on you must be like having an extra child!

I would have all conversations regarding money via email so you have a record, right down to her refusing to get a job (ask which sites she is searching for new jobs maybe)

How old are the children? I don't agree with private schools in general however I believe taking them out now just because your ex wants to leech off you rather than receive a fair share.

She could be granted to live there until the youngest is 18 possibly. When it comes to splitting assets, the starting point will be 50/50. It may be that she wants to stay unemployed during the splitting of assets as a way to try and get more?

Anyway good luck!!!

Good grief, obviously I don't know any of the background to your separation but the courts would take a very dim view of this and would insist the home was sold regardless of the reason you left.
I'm afraid you need to see a solicitor and if necessary force her to sell. If you are having the children 50/50 it matters not if she is unemployed you will still get half the house and will certainly not be paying for everything.
It sounds like she is royally taking the piss. The judge doesn't care if you had an affair or what happened.
Go and see a solicitor and put a stop to this piss taking.

God yes and get a clean break consent order so she can't come back for more money.

In terms of disposable income, I was spending every penny I earned on the bills and more. The extra spending coming from an inheritance from a foreign aunt of mine.
Her income was spent how she wanted, she did not pay for a single bill nor share the school fees, but did pay for clothes, some of the food and some of the holidays. I'm so sorry OP your ex was financially abusing you and is still trying to.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

You may find the above link helpful. Unfortunately there are a small group of posters here who hate men and may try and gaslight you but from what you've said it is clear financial abuse. Good luck.

Nonsense, the courts don't see it like that at all. Unless this is a very severe case of domestic violence it matters not one jot who left who and the judge doesn't even want to hear all that, they soon get pissed off with it in my experience.
It will all be split evenly and I honestly don't think her unemployment will make any difference.

Wow! She saw you coming, didn't she!

The court will be your friend I would guess

You need legal advice.

But, whatever caused the split it wasn't the children and, although it rarely happens IRL, I think the starting point has to be the children. You said they spend more time with mum in the holidays, why?

They should continue to be in their current school. You don't mention their ages but you need to consider uni education.

If your STBX isn't working how is she feeding and clothing the children?

There are lots of options the court can explore eg a friend of mine could have stayed in her marital home with her ex paying the mortgage until her youngest was 18. But she was not allowed to bring a new partner into the house, as her youngest was 7 and she didn't intend to not date for 11 years she decided to move.

You also need to look at how much has been spent by each of you, if your STBX was taking your children business class to Australia then she has been contributing a substantial amount to the family 'pot'.

Also if the trips were to visit relatives were they really a holiday?

Thank you all so much for your views. It has been really helpful to me.
I have shared much more than I am comfortable with, as I have always been a very private person.
I don't think that there is a way to avoid the courts and I realise that I need to get on with it.
Thank you for your help.

Why the marriage broke down doesn't affect the financial settlement.

You've been taken advantage of and it's good that you're using the legal system to sort this out.

Maybe she felt 'exploited' by certain things. How did you treat her while you were married and why did you leave?

That doesn't matter when it comes to splitting finances. Definitely see a solicitor as she is taking you for an absolute mug.

Ask the solicitor what can be done done to address the issues before court happens. Ie can you stop payments etc

When you push back is often the point that things become difficult in the area of the children, and your access to them. Make sure you start keeping a diary of things, what you do with them, conversations you have with the ex etc. As this may prove helpful later.

@pinkyredrose

I wonder what her side of the story is? Maybe she felt 'exploited' by certain things. How did you treat her while you were married and why did you leave?

Tbh as it was your decision to leave i agree entirely that you should continue to pay the running costs of the house.

Your joking right?

Thanks for answering all the questions, OP.

If you're going to do 50:50 with the kids, there's no reason she would get to stay in the house rather than you. I would suggest that one of you moves into the rental property and one stays in the house. But that's up to the lawyers really.

I can't see any argument for maintenance, assuming you'll be taking equal responsibility for the childcare logistics so that she can get back to work?

@QuertyZXY court isnt the next stage just yet. You can develop and propose a solution via your solicitor to her/her solicitor.

Dont freak yourself out by thinking of court, it really doesn't need to go that far unless she pushes it that way and won't negotiate.

You can also try mediation if you haven't yet, sorry if I missed that part.

Solicitor. You need to see if you can force a sale, no way should you be just giving her the house, that’s outrageous.

You don’t give maintenance if you have the children equal amounts.

Hi @QwertyZXY, from my own recent experience some advice from a barrister is invaluable. I used a direct access barrister as I was a litigant in person to avoid solicitor fees which add up very quickly. Barristers are on the front line in court and see the type of judgments being handed out in the court that will handle your case. You can make offers to your wife on that basis which may avoid going to final hearing. As others have said who left who is irrelevant.

Can I ask a second question?
What do you think of the wisdom of sharing this thread with her?

She cannot stop you selling the house to release the equity. See a solicitor and get on with shoring up your position. No need to be spiteful but she seems to think you leaving her is the only factor. I doubt it.

No, do not share this post with her. It may only inflame the situation and won't change your legal position or rights. She does not appear to want to avoid court proceedings anyway, showing her this thread may just make her more aggressive.

Whatever you do, don’t share this thread with her.