I am refusing to continue to support my Ex-Wife AIBU?

[QwertyZXY]

I would like to ask the crowd whether I am being unreasonable.

I am a guy who has left his wife after a long marriage and still have two children at private school.
Both were earning good salaries, but ex has lost hers recently and refuses to even try to look for another and my own job is far from secure.

I moved into a rented house at the start of the year and ex refuses to discuss a financial settlement but wants me to continue to pay for the running costs of the marital home and the children.

The children spend half the time with me and half with her, slightly more than half with her during the holidays.

She has the house which still has a small mortgage (which I am paying), and takes the view that she will keep the house as I left her. There is enough equity in the house to buy two very modest houses that are big enough for the two kids.

I have felt exploited for many years as I have always paid for everything (school fees, mortgage, bills) and she has kept her salary for all the fun things (multiple holidays, a nice car for herself)

School fees are more than half my income,
Rent on my house is half of what is left
and after everything else is paid (food, car, insurance, bills) I am spending more that I earn and have to spend capital.

She has her own capital enough to pay the bills for several years, and a rental property in her name that she is deliberately keeping empty!

She has just asked me to pay her maintenance and I have refused as anything more will have to come out of my capital rather than hers.

Based on these facts.
Is this a reasonable position for me to take?

Tbh as it was your decision to leave i agree entirely that you should continue to pay the running costs of the house

Sadly that's not how life works.

The other rental is key here. She has that potential income - or you could live in it - or she could sell it and perhaps buy you out of the marital home.
Don't forget pensions too.

It seems unfair to move the kids from their schools as well as the divorce, if you can afford to keep them there. But being able to keep them there is the responsibility of your wife too. It's not possible if you are paying what you are at the moment.

A little more information needed...

Both were earning good salaries, but ex has lost hers recently

Were you both FT, or did one of you drop to PT after children?
Were the salaries about the same?
Whose job was impacted by childcare (school runs, sickness absence...)?
Why isn't she job hunting - Covid? Can't juggle childcare on her days? Just laziness?

If you both worked FT, who used to do the childcare and housework? (I can see it's 50:50 going fwd, but what did it used to be?)

a rental property in her name

Why are you living in a rental property you don't own (and paying rent) when you own an empty rental property? (It might be in her name, but you're married, so it's half yours.)

I have felt exploited for many years as I have always paid for everything (school fees, mortgage, bills) and she has kept her salary for all the fun things

Did you pay all the bills because you earn more? How much disposable income did you both end up with?
Did she pay for your 'fun things' as well as her own? (after all, you were paying her bills as well as your own...)

School fees are more than half my income

Who's idea was private school?

...I agree that on face value what you've written seems reasonable. But I'm left with these questions, which may (or may not!) change my opinion.

Why did you leave ? Are you banging your twenty something year old secretary ?

@steely panther...why would you assume that...if op was a woman and said she left..it would be assumed it was an abusive relationship...op doesnt have to explain why he left..he has asked fir advise on the financial set up..reasons for leaving leaving are not a factor in this!

From the info given YANBU in not wanting to give her more money. She should be looking for a job if she needs more

Consult a solicitor ASAP.

Why should you be bled dry whilst she sits on a mountain of assets!?

You have the right to end a relationship that makes you unhappy. You're a person, not a mealticket!

@SteelyPanther

Why did you leave ? Are you banging your twenty something year old secretary ?

Wouldn’t matter if he was.

School fees; you can take the children out of their school but I assume neither of you want this. But you need to check.

Mortgage: probably not in your interest to stop paying

You might be liable for some CMS but I expect it is offset by the mortgage payment.

It’s sounds like the school fees are unaffordable.

Start divorce proceedings and move forward with splitting the assets. Explain to her that you will be doing this. She can buy you out of both properties if that’s what she wants. But remind her this can only happen if she has income to pay a mortgage.

@SteelyPanther

Why did you leave ? Are you banging your twenty something year old secretary ?

And this is why people think Mumsnet hates men.

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Women are not saints any more than men are.

Have you started the divorce process? You really need to see a solicitor. I was advised not to move out before the finances were agreed in court.

Thank you for the comments - I have spoken to a solicitor and would want to avoid a court if possible, sadly it would seem that is where we will end up.

I am not "banging my twenty year old secretary" or anyone else, either pre or post separation. I last had sex about two years before I left and the time before that was probably about a year before that.

I left because I had had enough. (After nearly a year of fruitless marriage counselling which was not resolving anything and just causing more hurt)

The decision to send them to a private school was my Ex's, having said that I absolutely would not turf my children out of school, even if that did lead to a much poorer future for me.
They are at a good school and will not be there for too much longer.
Education is really important to me too.(and to my Ex as long as someone else is paying for it)

She needs a car, but her car was a nearly new big volvo.
I replaced my second hand Audi with over 200k miles with another A4 with another 4 year old Audi with over 100k miles at a third of the cost of hers.

I have rented somewhere a short walk from the school, the rental property is in another City so not an option.

She did take the children on most of the holidays, and would go abroad with them, to visit relatives more than once a year in addition to our family holiday.
In terms of childcare, much of that was shared or out-sourced. I have spent all my free time with the children. I have a bit more time now that they are older.

In terms of disposable income, I was spending every penny I earned on the bills and more. The extra spending coming from an inheritance from a foreign aunt of mine.
Her income was spent how she wanted, she did not pay for a single bill nor share the school fees, but did pay for clothes, some of the food and some of the holidays. I paid for the main 2 week holiday.

When I write this all down, I am realising that I have been mugged off for years. I come from a family where my father always paid for everything and I have always emulated him.

She is in a profession where her experience is much more employable than my own. The current position with Covid makes it difficult to find a new role, but refusing to look makes it harder still!

I have spoken to a solicitor and understand the legal position which is split 50:50. She tells me that her solicitor has told her that she is entitled to the house, which I don't believe.

As to why I am asking randoms on the internet. I wanted to get a balanced perspective, and thought that having a broad independent female perspective (often hostile to men?) would give me the alternative view to family and the legal position.
There is what is legal and what is fair, and they are not always the same.

I don't want her to be able to twist my actions into something that damages my relationship with children

I have spoken to a solicitor and understand the legal position which is split 50:50. She tells me that her solicitor has told her that she is entitled to the house, which I don't believe.

good that you have got your own solicitor

What about pensions? Is 50:50 likely to include her keeping the equity in the house?

First step is to set up mediation. Your ex maybe burying her head in the sand but will need to deal with finances.

Courts are not "the big bad", they're to try and work out whats fair with the power behind them to enforce it.
I'm sure your ex has really pushed the idea of avoiding court if possible because what she currently has is likely better than what the courts will award her.

I think you need to go to court. I don't see why you have to pay for everything.

I agree with the others who say see a solicitor.

I think you would be morally fine to go ahead with the divorce and a 50/50 split. It sounds like you’ll both be fine financially. As for the acrimony looks like there’s nothing you can do about that - she’s already treating you like shit so might as well have her carry on that but actually have some parity in finances.

Also if your kids don’t have long to go in private school I’m sure they’re old enough to understand that finances need to be split so you both have enough to live on, and see the fairness of a 50:50 split.

Idk where you have heard this site is hostile to men. It is only hostile to violent and abusive men; sadly there are too many of those.

Don’t be mugged off. If you have to go to court, so be it. Please fight for your future. From the description, your ex sounds irresponsible and actually you are also fighting for your children’s future at the same time. Their education and perhaps their inheritance.

Remember your actions will be viewed and possibly emulated by your dc as you emulated your father. You therefore have a duty to be careful how you act now and protect your dcs as well as yourself.

You can't avoid court, because you and your estranged wife are not in agreement about the settlement. It doesn't really matter what a load of strangers on the internet think, apart from it might boost your ego if we all told you how wonderful you are!

Get the ball rolling with forcing the sale of the former marital home. Make sure you see your children regularly, don't cancel when something better comes along, don't moan to them about money / their Mum. Hope everything works out for you all, and that in a few years time you have all been able to move on and are happier.

Get the legal ball rolling.

The house needs to be sold.

In the meantime, why aren't you living in the empty rental property.

I have a friend who got absolutely filleted by his ex-wife, she continues to ask him for money despite getting a final settlement, their marital home and being re-married.
Get good advice, keep on good terms with your children, act fairly but not generously.

It’s easy to fall into patterns our parents set, it may have worked well for them, but not for you.

50/50 split. She is not entitled tho the house just because. Get legal advice. Definitely.

The finances don't quite add up, as far as I can see.
If you are paying the school fees, which takes half your income, and then half the rest goes on rent, and the balance doesn't quite cover bills, I'm guessing you must be earning in excess of 60k, and you're saying that her earnings are equivalent.
Are you saying that she has spent 60kpa plus rental income ( until recently) on clothes and holidays? You seem to be saying that her holidays with the children are to visit family- that's presumably not weeks in the Maldives in 5* accommodation. So where exactly has her money gone?
If you apply for financial relief through the courts, full disclosure is required- well, in fact any order or settlement can be overturned later if it turns out that assets were not declared or were fraudulently hidden. You don't mention pensions, either. It seems to me she may well have money squirrelled away that you don't know about.
The other thing that occurred to me is that she has lost her job, and her marriage is over- she may well be suffering from depression, which could explain why she has neither looked for another job nor rented out her other property. Whilst that is no longer your problem, perhaps that explains why she is seemingly inactive. Could you maybe help her get the rental property rented out, and she would then have an income from that?

@SteelyPanther

Why did you leave ? Are you banging your twenty something year old secretary ?

I asked because I suspect he would have got different replies if he came on here saying he was leaving his wife for his secretary or who ever.

50:50 is the starter figure, any everything needs to be taken into account. Both of your pensions, all properties and bank accounts.
She may well get the house but she will have to buy you out, she may get more than 50 % depending upon the financial circumstances. But she will have to maintain the house is she has it.
You may have to pay spousal maintenance and you will have to pay towards the children. Everything is negotiable and you need a family lawyer.