I am refusing to continue to support my Ex-Wife AIBU?

[QwertyZXY]

I would like to ask the crowd whether I am being unreasonable.

I am a guy who has left his wife after a long marriage and still have two children at private school.
Both were earning good salaries, but ex has lost hers recently and refuses to even try to look for another and my own job is far from secure.

I moved into a rented house at the start of the year and ex refuses to discuss a financial settlement but wants me to continue to pay for the running costs of the marital home and the children.

The children spend half the time with me and half with her, slightly more than half with her during the holidays.

She has the house which still has a small mortgage (which I am paying), and takes the view that she will keep the house as I left her. There is enough equity in the house to buy two very modest houses that are big enough for the two kids.

I have felt exploited for many years as I have always paid for everything (school fees, mortgage, bills) and she has kept her salary for all the fun things (multiple holidays, a nice car for herself)

School fees are more than half my income,
Rent on my house is half of what is left
and after everything else is paid (food, car, insurance, bills) I am spending more that I earn and have to spend capital.

She has her own capital enough to pay the bills for several years, and a rental property in her name that she is deliberately keeping empty!

She has just asked me to pay her maintenance and I have refused as anything more will have to come out of my capital rather than hers.

Based on these facts.
Is this a reasonable position for me to take?

@QwertyZXY

Can I ask a second question? What do you think of the wisdom of sharing this thread with her?

No!

Apart from her buying herself a 'nice car' with her wages, it actually seems that you both contributed financially when together, pretty equally. It doesn't matter who paid for what when the whole family benefit ie mortgage, school fees, holidays etc.

It seems reasonable, given the financial circumstances (that you're paying out more than you're earning), that you need to sell the family house and/or reach a more manageable financial agreement.

Definitely consult a lawyer to negotiate a way forward.

I'm not of the opinion that you should necessarily continue to pay the mortgage and school fees, but perhaps a way forward may be that instead of renting, you live in your DW property for free so you can continue to pay mortgage/ school fees for a finite period of time ?

Even if it was your decision to break up the marriage, it doesn't mean that a balanced financial split shouldn't be reached for the long term benefit of all involved.

Bad idea. It won’t help you, I’d be furious if I was her and you came up with a load of randoms saying she’s unreasonable.

Be sure of your position. You’re doing this for your kids and for you. It sounds like she’s run the show and you’re wary of her.

Legal advice is what you need. To not take that and trying to rely on mumsnet is unreasonable.

Get a good solicitor, preferably one that doesn’t mind a bit of a fight.

She is hoping you wont go after her rental property or ask her to pay school fee’s and I suspect is used to getting her own way.

Gird your loins for battle and be pleasantly surprised if you don't end up in court.

Thanks @wherearemymarbles and everyone else.
I have contacted a mediator to see if I can make any progress there, however my Ex is resisting this, saying that she needs more time.

I am not prepared to wait and have asked for an appointment anyway.
I suspect that it will end up in court sadly.

She's arsing about trying to avoid the process of fairly getting this sorted. Dont allow it. I wouldn't have asked for spousal maintenance in my wildest dreams once I had split from EXDH and he was truly minted, it's a complete pisstake to demand someone youre not with anymore to fund you. There are a lot of brass necked woman about though who think it's their right to be carried through life and what a shit example to set to their children, that leeching is how you get ahead. Nope. Reign her in.

It's not in her best interest to get it sorted as she knows she's having a laugh.

I wouldn't share this thread with her for a number or reasons, not least because she obviously feels her position is valid and won't be able to be unbiased.
Good luck though OP.

Request a mutual financial order, her assets are half yours and vice versa. You do this easily, ask your solicitor to do this.

I'm a woman and this is unfair to you. Seek legal advice because she is exploiting you.

YANBU