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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this an awful thing for him to say?

85 replies

orangesky1 · 22/07/2020 20:31

I gave birth 6 months ago. Bad delivery - big baby, forceps. Still in physio for weak pelvic floor and prolapse.

We've had sex a handful of times since the birth. Most of the pain has now gone, but it is pretty numb and I am very self conscious and so rarely get active pleasure, although it is now not that unpleasant. I am hoping that continued physio (plus a bit more sleep to get my head in the right place) will improve this.

Most recent sex was Monday night. When i asked how it was, my husband said fine but loose. Tonight my husband, out of nowhere suggested I look for a large dildo so I can get pleasure because my vagina is now so loose he doesn't think his penis will be enough for me.

He insists that he asked this because he is concerned about my own pleasure. I feel like it was actually a sly dig. Maybe I am paranoid. He knows that I am self conscious and upset about my physical state since the birth. Why bring it up out of nowhere on a Tuesday night? There are other more gentler ways he could have approached it.

Was he being awful? Or am I, as he says, overly sensitive?

OP posts:
Morgana7 · 22/07/2020 20:33

He’s being a rude twat! I’d be furious with the lack of sensitivity

Dozer · 22/07/2020 20:33
Shock

Horrible things to say.

PippinMeriadoc · 22/07/2020 20:35

I’d be furious with that remark. I had ten pounds plus babies and my husband never said anything like that!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/07/2020 20:35

Bloody hell, that’s appalling.

Sorry you’ve had such a difficult time Flowers

IloveIdrisElba · 22/07/2020 20:35

Your husband's a cunt

Dozer · 22/07/2020 20:36

If he is truly concerned about your wellbeing and pleasure, he’d be attentive to your pleasure/ orgasm in bed, eg places you find a turn on, your clit. Is he?

MikeUniformMike · 22/07/2020 20:36

Beyond awful. He's a dickhead.

Lochie662 · 22/07/2020 20:37

Wtaf? What a disgusting comment to make. You are not being oversensitive.

He does know you've given birth only months ago and are doing everything you can to get things back to normal?

Ironic that he doesn't think it's big enough, he's a massive dick in my eyes.

category12 · 22/07/2020 20:39

Yes, it's an awful thing to say. I wouldn't be having any sort of sex with him again.

YourHandInMyHand · 22/07/2020 20:40

What a tool. :-O
He's terrible.

userabcname · 22/07/2020 20:42

So you're recovering from a horrible birth, are receiving medical treatment for birth injuries and he suggests ramming a large dildo up yourself might be a way you'd like to spend some time?! It's either a sly dig or he has to be the dumbest human of all time. Frankly I'd stop having sex with him. It sounds like physically you weren't ready for sex yet anyway if it is numb/not pleasurable. I suffered dreadfully after childbirth so I totally sympathise- take care of yourself and I hope you feel a lot better very soon.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 22/07/2020 20:43

He’s a twat. Please don’t have any more unpleasant or “just not that awful anymore” sex for his benefit.

I’ve squeezed 3 huge DCs out of my vagina and my DP isn’t overly endowed, but we both still enjoy sex because we’re attentive to each other’s needs and both want to make sure the other is totally satisfied.

The fact that he’s happy to stick it in without caring whether it hurts or gives you any pleasure says a lot about him as a man. That’s not ok.

Your baby is still so little and I’m sure you’ve got other priorities at the moment than getting yourself a massive sex toy (which btw is probably more for him to enjoy than for you). Be prepared for him to come up with all sorts of novel ways to spice things up, but you don’t have to do any of it if you’re not feeling it. He’s a gross sex pest.

mummyofgirls123 · 22/07/2020 20:43

Wow what a dickhead your husband is...

1Micem0use · 22/07/2020 20:44

If he was concerned about your pleasure hed be getting better with his tongue and fingers. Learning how to give you an erotic massage. Hes being awful

Original poster
orangesky1 · 22/07/2020 20:45

Ok thanks everyone. That was my reaction too.

He was claiming such innocence saying it didn't matter to him - he could get pleasure from a wet cushion (?!) - but was concerned about me.

I really appreciate the support. It's so outrageous that I don't feel I can repeat it to anyone in real life, so thanks for the sanity check here. X

OP posts:
micc · 22/07/2020 20:47

Ah this is a nightmare situation to be in. I do feel like men just say things without really thinking sometimes. But yeah really insensitive. Its something I think you need lay down the law with what your comfortable with right now and what you are worried about. Honesty is important but it's such early days still I feel after you have had the baby so try and not get bogged down by what he said and take it slow. Female bodies are super amazing and things take time x

tiredandgrumpyx · 22/07/2020 20:47

I'd give him a wet cushion and tell him to fuck off
What a knob

momtoboys · 22/07/2020 20:48

I actually gasped when I read what he said. He'd be looking for the wet cushion if he were my husband.

MissConductUS · 22/07/2020 20:48

Just to play devil's advocate, some men do think that sex begins and ends with the size of their penis. Perhaps he's blaming himself for the fact that it's not that enjoyable for you now.

sillysmiles · 22/07/2020 20:51

I wonder if he is just stupid and insensitive rather than deliberately being mean?
Really only you can decide if it is tactless or mean.

But maybe you both need to have an discussion about what you both like/works for you now in terms of sex.

It's easy to jump to the conclusion that he's being a dick, and maybe he is, but maybe you both need to talk openly about your sex life.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 20:52

Yes a complete and utter cunt.
I heard a friend say this about his DW since having 2 DC on the 2nd I retained the placenta so I had a doctors arm up me I'm a little paranoid about my vulva too.
Luckily DP would never say it even when I do.

Aerial2020 · 22/07/2020 20:54

As if you'd be thinking about dilldos after just giving birth.
What a twat. That is a dig at you to comment on your body. How dare he
He is a guest with your body, he doesn't get to tell you things like that.
You get to invite who you want to share your body so think carefully if you want to share with him.

Lochie662 · 22/07/2020 20:55

@MissConductUS

If that was the issue the any old "dildo" would do surely, the OPs husband specifically said a large one..... Specifying the problem lay with her and not him. It was just plain nasty in my eyes.

And honestly, it's too soon to be recovered after a traumatic birth like that. Six months isn't that long. I was about 14/15 months till I felt back to normal.

Charleymouse · 22/07/2020 20:57

Offer to get him a penis enlargement so he can still pleasure you.
You could ask him if he is feeling inadequate due to his small penis size.
Obviously you phrase this in a purely out of concern for him wording and tone of voice.
WTAF he is being an insensitive prick.

Smallsteps88 · 22/07/2020 21:00

Or he could just stop being shit at sex and realise there are so many more ways than his magical penis to give you pleasure. Tell him that. Tell him to get better at sex. He hasn’t had a massive baby crush the shite out of his brain so he’s no excuse not to use it.