Was this an awful thing for him to say?

[orangesky1]

I gave birth 6 months ago. Bad delivery - big baby, forceps. Still in physio for weak pelvic floor and prolapse.

We've had sex a handful of times since the birth. Most of the pain has now gone, but it is pretty numb and I am very self conscious and so rarely get active pleasure, although it is now not that unpleasant. I am hoping that continued physio (plus a bit more sleep to get my head in the right place) will improve this.

Most recent sex was Monday night. When i asked how it was, my husband said fine but loose. Tonight my husband, out of nowhere suggested I look for a large dildo so I can get pleasure because my vagina is now so loose he doesn't think his penis will be enough for me.

He insists that he asked this because he is concerned about my own pleasure. I feel like it was actually a sly dig. Maybe I am paranoid. He knows that I am self conscious and upset about my physical state since the birth. Why bring it up out of nowhere on a Tuesday night? There are other more gentler ways he could have approached it.

Was he being awful? Or am I, as he says, overly sensitive?

I don't even believe that it is true that men have a different experience with a woman after she has given birth and that her vagina feels different.

I think it's a lie to make women feel crap and attack their self esteem.

You've given birth to his child.

He is an utter knob. Great husband and father figure. Turn to the hand and make his penis redundant. I wouldn't go near him again.

I'd ask him to pay for my vagina to be tightened (there's a surgical term for it, can't remember what it's called) since he's being so unflattering and unkind.

I would probably say that he should get his penis enlarged, TBH:

"Your dick has always been on the small size, maybe you should consider getting it enlarged."

don't even believe that it is true that men have a different experience with a woman after she has given birth and that her vagina feels different. I think it's a lie to make women feel crap and attack their self esteem. Same! I've had 2 and it's actually tighter than before which I think may be due to having had stitches. I've heard many men make really misogynistic comments when a woman has had a baby. It's just another way to get women to feel shame for daring to be born female.

If he mentions it again it's almost tempting to say that the real problem is that his penis is so small.

I would buy a 9 inch vibrator & and leave it on the dining room table. also dildo is such an old fashioned term, he likely means vibrator. Why spend the money on an item which doesn’t even vibrate ? ( which is what a dildo is).

He sounds both insensitive towards you & insecure about his penis size. He doesn’t sound like a catch. I haven’t had children so can’t comment on post birth stretching or whether it exists or not but there is no way your husband didn’t realise that comment would upset you. So he either wanted to upset you or is so insecure about his penis being small that he allowed his insecurity to come before your feelings.

Ugh! Not a nice comment to make. And claiming you were 'over-sensitive' makes it even worse.

Have there been other examples of him saying hurtful things and then saying you were over-sensitive, taking it wrong etc?

If he'd have said that to me the chances of him never having sex with me again would have increased by about 500%!!

That is awful. I had a similar experience and it does get better over time.

I meant lady parts needing a bit of time to recover, not the dh.

Is he small? Sounds like he's worried about his ability to satisfy you.

He's also ludicrously insensitive.

It took me 2 and a half years to want sex again after forceps and third degree tears. You are recovering still. Maybe tell him it's too early and wait.

Wow! Your husband is an arsehole! Tell him it’s his inadequate penis that’s causing your problems! FFS! I’m angry for you!

I would be very offended and hurt as well. Have you spoken to him about it?

God how utterly awful of him. I’d not be having sex with this man ever again and would be preparing to leave him.

Get a large one and beat him around the head! What a nasty man.

This would end my marriage, I don’t think I could have sex with someone ever again if they said that to me. It’s an unforgivable comment.

It doesn't sound like you're even enjoying sex at the moment because you're still recovering, did he make you feel you should be having sex? His comment is disgusting and shows he has no respect for you.

Buy a cheap cushion. Wet it. Present it to him as his sex life from now on.

Fucking hell, did he actually make that remark about a wet cushion too?!
My vagina would heal over so no need for any more physio.

I hope you recover from the birth soon op, and I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out for sex that just isn't awful anymore

Holy shit. I think of my husband ever said I was 'loose' I'd be screaming at him.

'He was claiming such innocence saying it didn't matter to him'

I think this is the part that would upset me the most. It's clearly about him.

Awful thing to say

He said that with deliberate, spiteful intent. Fucking arsehole.

It'd be tempting to leave the building with your DC-

leaving a wet cushion on the bed where you once were.

Doesn’t he realise that foreplay will give you far more pleasure than a large penis? It sounds as though he’s a terrible lover, carrying on when it’s not good for you. I agree with others that a wet cushion should be his way forward for the foreseeable, giving you the opportunity to heal in your own time.

It does make me laugh that men think their knobs are so important, when for many women, the foreplay is what actually ‘gets them there’.

If you've ever done the Freedom Programme, this kind of comment comes up as part of an abusive pattern of behaviour. Your dh may not be abusive but I'll leave this here in case: He tells us our vaginas are too big to give him sexual pleasure. This
is a very commonly used tactic. Sometimes, he tells us this is because
of childbirth and we believe him until we come on the Freedom
Programme and hear women who have never had children say the
same thing. Midwives tell me this is a myth.

Wow. What amazing women. truly, thank you for the support. And the laughs, some of those come backs are epic.

So prior to posting last night, I had told my husband that he was an arsehole and to sleep in the spare room.

He came up after about 45 minutes clearly upset and apologized. He explained that he could tell I haven't been enjoying it and was projecting his insecurities about his penis size onto me. He is probably smaller than average but we always had a good sex life pre baby. I don't think he really understands the extent of birth injuries, which I am partly to blame for as I have been trying to minimize it because I haven't fully come to terms with it myself either. I was an avid runner pre baby and my physio has told me to not even attempt running for 12 months because of the prolapse, and so I think I am trying to make light of everything and haven't fully explained to him quite how bad it is. All our friends were back up and back to normal within a few weeks/ months and there is a pride part of me that doesn't want to admit that I'm not bouncing back as I expected.

Still not an excusable comment. But to be honest I think the comment was a combination of his insecurities and idiocy rather than maliciousness. He has been gentle and patient Ever since the birth and all sex has been initiated by me as I am keen to not build up issues after traumatic birth. I have explained to him that sex is so mental for me and his job is to build my confidence. The wet cushion thing was his (dreadful) way of saying to me that he doesn't care what my vagina is like. So so clumsy and thoughtless but I do believe he didn't intend malice, it's not really his way.

Also thank you to all those women who posted about there long healing processes and that things eventually improved - you really give me hope .