Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

[miamichill]

So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to name, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"
He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

What @Hearhoovesthinkzebras said. Why are you sending him long and frankly humourless texts chasing some kind of reassurance (I am unclear on what, so I expect he is too), then not replying to him? You will lose this game. I am 10000000% feminist through and through but I tell you this. The genders are (usually) different and men (often) get stressed out and turned off by women who come across as needy, or pursuing them. And that text sounded needy and pursuing. Send him a cheery response and go do something fun so you have stuff to chat about when you next see him... not judging, just offering advice

Did he go to med school a bit later, just wondering why, at 34, he’s still not qualified.

You need to date someone your own age who has more time for you.

I would've taken his comments as meaning over a longer period of time, as opposed to packing in more meet ups, and carried on quite happily as we were. It's still very early days.

he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else

OP, did he clarify whether he was seeing anyone else too?

It seems to me that neither of you are ready to be exclusive - him because he doesn't seem sure (his prerogative but in that case he can't expect to keep you to himself) and you because you don't want to waste your time in an exclusive relationship that might not have a future.

When you do talk to him, I'd suggest going back to non-exclusivity so you can have fun with each other without the pressure, but still be open to other opportunities if they arise.

Hey @miamichill sorry to assume that you were American, you sounded so much like my step sibling I made an assumption (plus the username and mention of him being in a different state). Hope you are not offended

May I ask if you are Canadian or Australian?

I assumed American too as you said Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state.

we are constantly laughing and having fun in each other's presence which makes it even more confusing.

Just because you have a great time together does not mean he is looking for a long term relationship.

In the significant relationships in my life I was in love by 3 months so I don't think 5 months is especially short a period of time to check out if you're official. (I dislike all this dating and official stuff as I'm old and grumpy, but there you are). I'm taking it that that is all you were seeking clarification on. As others have noted - expecting to see each other more often might not be realistic but I would have thought you'd know how seriously you felt about each other by now.

The rest all sounds a bit clinical like a random control trial. Even if you were feeling deeply about each other at this stage I think it would normally take quite a long while to work out whether it had long term prospects and whether you should move in together or get married. I'd be circumspect about debating any of those prospects after 5 months - way too soon! Just live in the moment, have fun, great sex, lots of laughs and experiences together and go with the flow would be my advice

You seem way too over analytical for what is really a fairly short relationship. If you see each other once or twice a week, then you’ve spent very little time together in the grand scheme of things. I think your text was quite intense and his response pretty measured and open-ended. He’s a med student, so will be working crazy hours anyway,
I would say really ask yourself what you’re both getting out of the relationship and if you enjoy spending time with each other, without the pressure of thinking too much about where it will lead.

I really disagree with the majority of posters. OP, you have been dating for around 5 months - at this point I would want to know if it was a bf/gf relationship or still 'dating'.

The only way you see what a person is like in a relationship is to be in a relationship with them. Dating is the phase where you check they are not showing red flags and being overtly problematic. You have both had time to do that. The next phase is to see how the relationship moves forwards - by having it become a relationship.

Yes, it may well be that he will not suit you as a partner due to his career. You won't know til you see how he is in a relationship.

But I suspect he isn't going to progress into bf/gf. I suspect he wants the perks without the commitment.

That is not someone to proceed with. You'll still be wondering where you stand even if you do manage to get him down the aisle.

Have a face to face talk at the weekend, keep your knowledge to yourself, but if you aren't bf and gf by the end of the weekend, just know you probably never will be. All his prevarication is to give you hope that if you hang on in there, he may one day 'choose' you as his gf. It's a way of putting it onto you to somehow 'prove yourself' - and people who lack self-worth often fall for this game.

In reality, you need to choose yourself. Look for someone who is ready to make commitments, beginning small and building up - not someone who is looking for permanent dating.

I can understand actually when you didn't hear from him for a day that you would be worried when it's normally daily communication for you but also it is normal at times when you're busy, so if this happens again you have to wait, step back and assume there is good reason for it.

Please chill and don't pressure him too much too soon, he will feel trapped and this could make him not want to be with you.
Continue to put your half of the effort in, let him do the rest and if it's the right relationship for you it will all work out naturally.

God, I feel old reading some of this dating/relationship comments. When did it get so complicated? When I was dating you met someone and started going out. The assumption was that neither of you were seeing or speaking to anyone else - that would have been considered cheating. We never had the "exclusive" talk. You then just continued dating and it went where it went - they ended or progressed to getting engaged and married. There weren't defined stages. This man sounds as though he's more aligned to my experience - he's enjoying it, hopes it will continue but isn't certain that it will be forever ( which is sensible given its only been 5 months). Do you have to know now where it's going op?

At this stage I would want to know if it was a bf/gf relationship

It reads like it is that Theyve agreed not to see anyone else, seeing each other several times a week, speaking most days, sleeping together.
I agree with the above post When did it get so complicated? I suppose there has to be some sort of official proposal? Will you be my girlfriend? And a public announcement?

I'm out of touch I suppose. Not getting why everything has to be labelled all the time.

*disclaimer: I grew up in the nineties

I would say you don't need a 'relationship label' and intense conversations about the future, to ensure this works out. It either will or it won't. People can be in a committed marriage and things fall apart
I also think you're a bit young to be planning at this stage. Another 10 years I could see where you're coming from but you're young yet and should be carefree and just enjoying life. He sounds nice and respectful and there are no red flags here.

I understand your concerns OP and this time in dating sucks! I remember with my partner, at five months we had started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend and he told me he loved me. I remember that worry of when we would be officially partners and the worry we were behind other couples.

Sadly, it does seem he is losing interest. After nearly 6 months, he should know. The fact he is pulling away, is not a good sign. You made your feelings clear, now let him chase after you.

It shouldn’t be this complicated this early. Move on.

Why can’t you just relax and try and enjoy the time you spend together?

Are you desperate to get married or something? Fun, unpressured dating isn’t enough for you, you need to know that it’s going to be a long-term commitment?

I would back off and stop trying to control the relationship, let it be what it is. Just enjoy getting to know this guy and make sure he is actually someone that you want to be with. You seem too concerned with the long-term outcome.

Also, make sure you are filling your life with things you enjoy. Friends, hobbies, interests, spending time with family etc. If your own life was fulfilling then you might stop obsessing over what this man is and isn’t doing.

He went onto say that lets talk about it in person, that he's sorry I feel this way. That he's a cautious person which can't change. Then went onto say that to some extent he thinks I have the wrong impression. Apologised for coming off cagey to me as well.

He seems busy. Being a med student is difficult, being one during a global pandemic will have been very difficult. Even if things are relatively normal now then he will be worn out as will his colleagues.

He likes you but I think you need to let things unfold. He has said clearly that you both have different expectations on texting, that he is already spending all his spare time with you and that he was tired and wanted to go to sleep as he had work when you were being needy. He was nicer than I would have been in his responses.

Take a breathe, text him less and concentrate on the many other things in your life. He likes you and things will unfold how they unfold.

@Tooshytoshine

Appreciate your advice, you made me smile a bit more today. I don't know why I feel so distraught about everything.

It all sounds so heavy and businesslike, or do you speak and text that way to friends and family?
Why do you need to know where the relationship is going, can’t you just enjoy it for what it is for a while? Particularly at the moment, just have some fun!

Back right off for a while and see what happens. If he has true feelings for you he will make it clear. Only way you will find out. Your in danger of appearing too needy men don’t like that just forget him for a bit and spend time with your friends. Don’t text unless he texts you first and keep your replies short x

It must be CANADA? Certainly not UK or Australia! Very USA though.

@skyla2005

Thank you! Do you suggest that I see him this weekend (providing if he asks to see me)? Or should I play busy and see him another time? Or if he says "What're you up to this weekend?" how should I respond? As he may be just asking that but not genuinely interested to see me. I know it sounds bad but I don't want to be any more vulnerable with this guy until he opens up.

@tara66 I do not know why this is so important but I am Australian.