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Original poster

Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

175 replies

miamichill · 22/07/2020 07:37

So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to name, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"
He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

OP posts:
Original poster
miamichill · 22/07/2020 08:25

He doesn't want to work full time as a doctor and wants a relatively quieter life in the country which I also would like. However, yes I am aware of him being time-limited.

OP posts:
blisstwins · 22/07/2020 08:26

Honestly, I think your text was immature and unfair. You are acting from insecurity and making it seem like everything is contingent on him evaluating you. You are so young there is no need to be desperate for an answer or clarity on where this is going this soon in. He doesn't have a lot of time and it sounds like he does really like you. He is right that these things should be discussed properly/in person. I know I am sounding harsh and I am so sorry....If you like him, try to be more light in the conversation around this and take your time. You might not like him. But 5 months in at this stage of both of your lives there is nothing to get so worked up about.

SmileyClare · 22/07/2020 08:27

I'm not sure how you want the relationship to change. You see each other a couple of times a week, weekends, speak most days on the phone. What do you actually want? Do you want him to put a label on the relationship? "Official" or Going steady, is that it?

In assuming he's finishing med school soon? (Being 33yrs) it will be full on until he finishes his studies. He should also be "allowed" time with his friends without you.

My sister is married to a doctor and rarely sees him, such is the nature of the job and the long shifts. He might be forever time poor.

Another issue is perhaps the 9 year age gap? You're coming across a bit needy but seem unable to clarify what you need in a mature way? Early stage relationships shouldn't be this hard, or this serious and intense!

Mydogisthebestest · 22/07/2020 08:29

To be honest, f you can’t cope with this at this stage, you’ll never cope with him being a doctor.

Holyrivolli · 22/07/2020 08:30

Wow. You sound intense. Assuming he doesn’t opt out of this entirely then please try to step back and be less needy and demanding. You’re expecting way too much far too fast.

cherrypiepie · 22/07/2020 08:31

Well he's offered to talk to you about it at the weekend with a view to finding more time for you so just say 'okay that would be great' and back off???

Have a think and then enjoy the weekend. I don't think he has done anything wrong but I get it's annoying when he didn't text back but you need to move on now.

But if it's upsetting you -the relationship and situation- and you are not getting what you want then it probably not the one for you. It should be fun and exciting.

Original poster
miamichill · 22/07/2020 08:40

@cherrypiepie

I appreciate your advice, thank you. I know it is probably overreactive of me in my response but I guess as I've just been so used to hearing from him every day for 5 months. Sometimes, actually often, if I don't text him and he was the last one to text, he will follow up again. I don't think it's a matter of that I don't accept that he's busy, just a change of what I'm used to. Although, both reasons are probably quixotic of me.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 22/07/2020 08:41

I agree with Cherry have a think about what you really want from this relationship, what you think the problem is and decide if you're being reasonable (and realistic!) You can't control another person or become obsessive about what they're doing, thinking or how they're spending their time without you. That's unhealthy.

The drama over him not texting you for a day was verging into unhealthy territory.

Plan what you want to say at the weekend. I think perhaps you're feeling insecure and want more reassurance. You can tell him that. You view things romantically, which is fine but don't get carried away by the idea of a perfect Disney relationship.

He seems to have his "scientist" head on and is overanalysing everything and looking for a magic formula for a relationship. None are realistic approaches and may destroy what you have.

Good luck, hopefully this is just a wobble Smile

InkieNecro · 22/07/2020 08:45

I disagree with other posters about it not being long enough, but I do think thay if you're not both on the same page by now then it isn't meant to be.

butterpuffed · 22/07/2020 08:46

Sometimes, actually often, if I don't text him and he was the last one to text, he will follow up again

Double standards here ~ you think it's fine to not always reply but start overthinking if he does the same thing. It's early days , stop worrying !

Original poster
miamichill · 22/07/2020 08:48

@smileyclare

Unaware if it is relevant for me to add that I had exams a few months ago and he knew I was busy/going through a stressful time but I warned him that I may be off the radar for quite some time. We talked that I won't be as engaging as per usual. I guess, maybe I was thrown off-post seeing him this weekend with his responses afterwards.

Thank you though! I think it's very reasonable to admit that I'm feeling a little insecure which I need to admit, in person.

OP posts:
NoProblem123 · 22/07/2020 08:48

You are hard work. No wonder he’s exhausted.

Concentrate on you and your career and hobbies. See how that pans out.

And stop it with the long, serious texts Confused

KittyHawke80 · 22/07/2020 08:53

I'm not sure he's that into you. I also think the age gap, which might work if you were both ten years older, doesn't work now.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 22/07/2020 08:54

I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far
You have been neither of these things. Absolutely neither of them.
You have been demanding and immature.
The fact that you would actually believe you have been generous suggests that you lack self-awareness. You are very young though. Most people lack a degree of self-awareness at 24. You and he are just at different life stages.

MaxNormal · 22/07/2020 09:00

Why are you two talking to each other in business-speak?

StatementKnickers · 22/07/2020 09:01

When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious.

Sorry, but the large age gap, and the stage he's at in his medical studies, tell a different story. This is not going to work out. If you can't enjoy it for what it is, cut your losses and move on.

SmileyClare · 22/07/2020 09:01

If you actually think about what he's told you ; he's looking for something serious, he sees a future with you, he loves you, doesn't want to see other people then these are all reassuring things.

Try to relax a little and enjoy what you have right now. All he's saying is that it's too early to say Yes we'll be forever together. You have a good thing going here, try not too over think it and look for problems that aren't there.

It's a little like a beautiful butterfly; you want to hold onto it but you end up holding it so tight you crush it in your hand.

Original poster
miamichill · 22/07/2020 09:04

Thank you @SmileyClare

He actually said those words himself in the call last night. 'Since I'm dating for long term, it's hard to know just yet whether we are compatible for marriage and forever'.

OP posts:
KittyHawke80 · 22/07/2020 09:05

Mind you, if, as a newly-qualified doctor, He thinks he's going to work part-time in a bucolic paradise, he also sounds like his oars aren't quite touching the water.

Original poster
miamichill · 22/07/2020 09:08

@kittyhawke80

He isn't qualified yet. He has to pass his exams first in the next few months.

OP posts:
KittyHawke80 · 22/07/2020 09:11

That's what I mean. I'm not sure you can parachute straight into nice little low-stress part-time, rural jobs. He's likely to be very, very busy for a loooong time. I suspect tyoull find him even harder to gauge, then.

KittyHawke80 · 22/07/2020 09:11

you'll

TheVanguardSix · 22/07/2020 09:13

Oh OP. Don't send texts like that. That's just... too much.
Anyway, you did it, so it's done. But don't do that again. Just take it as it comes. You can't force these things. Actually his response to your text was really measured and kind. He sounds like a truly decent bloke, tbh. Don't blow it by getting weird and demanding. Be mature, OP. Not all needy.
Plus he's a med student and he's 33. That is an intense, demanding, exhausting lifestyle. I'm married to a GP, OP. The road to success is all graft and little sleep. You're going to have to give him lots of rope and empathy, OP. When I was younger and needier and I knew my wobbly head was getting the better of me, I'd always quote Prince to myself, "Act your age mama, not your shoe size." Put it on your fridge and live by that motto.

Itisbetter · 22/07/2020 09:14

It’s usually much more doing and much less planning in a satisfying relationship. Try NOT thinking about it and just living?

Littlemeadow123 · 22/07/2020 09:14

Five minths isn't very long. It's clear that he doesn't want to rush things. That doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be with you. If anything, your relationship has a much better chance of working out in the long term if you do just take it slow.

Phoning him up just because he didn't reply to one text was way over the top. He is a med student so he will be busy. There will be days when he maybe doesn't text as much. That's the same in any relationship.