Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

[miamichill]

So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to name, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"
He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

Well, wherever it is, OP, bear in mind that a lot of us are in the UK and I don’t know ANYONE who talks the way you do about relationships!

Yes, good q - why is he engaged in a lengthy and intense training at 33 for a job he only wants to do p/t and not under pressure?

Is he under family pressure to get the profession and get married ??

I also disagree with other posters that it's long enough to know if it's casual or not. It's not long enough obviously to decide to live together or marry, but it's long enough to have a direction to see if you could get that far. If you haven't a direction by now I think it will be hard to find one.

Im obviously a lot older than you. But I wouldn’t advise trying to discuss serious matters in any way other than in person. Surely?

OP, If I had received that text you sent when I was a busy med student, I'd just think: this will never work. We are incompatible.
It's just so overcomplicated. Relax. Enjoy the time you spend together and don't assume he's gone off you or you need a serious discussion just because he's at work and doesn't text for a couple of days.

I don't think your wrong for not wanting to have your time wasted. Can you just go back to being friends and then you can open up to seeing other people. Then when you find someone who is ready to have a committed relationship you will be free to do so.

OP — I’m sorry. This isn’t really about you. I’m probably just projecting my worries about the complexity of modern relationships on to this thread... I feel for kids your age. It all seems so ... burdensome. What happened to just being friends with someone and it naturally developing into something more...?!

I do think after 5 months of dating there should be a discussion about where this is all going. Either there's the potential for a long-term relationship or there's not. Either you want to see each other exclusively or you don't.
I find the whole dating concept alien anyway as I'm mid 40s and I've always gone out with one person and then it's either progressed or not and I've usually met people through hobbies etc. I've never done the dating lots of people at the same time and then having the "exclusive" chat.
But I'd say after 5 months you should both know roughly where it's going and you need to discuss this. He could mess around for another 5 or 6 months "dating" and then it's almost a year and then he stops dating you and starts a relationship with someone else he's dating.
So yes, I think yanbu to want some kind of clarity about his intentions.
However, as other posters have suggested I think your text was a bit over the top and all of this started because he didn't message you for one day and you were worried about him because he wasn't on WhatsApp.
You maybe need to think about whether you are a bit too needy and work on that before getting into a relationship with someone. I've been like that in the past and it's not a good basis for a relationship.
Also I think that if the amount of time he has available to spend with you isn't enough now, it will never be enough. He won't magically find any more time any time soon with medical school and then work as a doctor. This is how much time he has - in fact it may be even less in the future. If that is not enough time for you then he isn't the man for you.

This >>

Also I think that if the amount of time he has available to spend with you isn't enough now, it will never be enough. He won't magically find any more time any time soon with medical school and then work as a doctor. This is how much time he has - in fact it may be even less in the future. If that is not enough time for you then he isn't the man for you.

I seem to be reading your posts differently to a lot of other posters but I don't really see the issue.

You come off slightly young, but then you are young.

He also comes off slightly young but he is not young. Hence for me the real issue. Maybe he is stringing you along a bit?

Unlike some PPs I think it is fine to be upfront about where this is going. you're both kind of treating this a bit like a potential arranged marriage but with you both having to do all the work yourselves - no parents or relations to do the analysis for you! - and that's no bad thing. if you know what you want from a relationship, then you can be structured and focused in going about getting it - as you would in putting the things in place for the career you want.

In this case, he is honest with himself and with others that he is doing this - you don't have to trick him into one day admitting, "you know, I actually do want to settle down" - so there is no harm in being honest back.

I did not do this. I grew up in a relationships culture in the UK which glamourised spontaneity, romance, shambolic fun as opposed to structured thinking about what you want from life. That's ok if you prefer fun to a life partner - or as long as you prefer fun to a life partner - but if that's not where you're both at, then why pretend?

I think you are going to have to think very practically about how you can test this to the next level without making irreversible changes. you wnat to see whether you can make each other happy as your lives entwine - but you don't want to entwine your lives too deeply, until you know! In traditional cultures, you'd just have to get married and find out (all other checks having taken place). In many cultures now, you can live together and try it, but it's not without risk - esp if you have to move, change jobs etc.

I think the conversation you now need to have with this man - best done face to face - is: I'd like to find out more about whether we can belong together long term, and I'd like us to take some practical steps towards finding that out.

He could be the type that wants to get married "someday" but actually doesn't ever want anything to change now. if that is the case, the question needs to be: ok, so when?

He might not want marriage at all and will run a mile - in which case, good, now you know.

He might suggest: ok, let's try x, y, and z. And then you can. Or you might suggest them. What can you practically do, now, that will enable you to experience more of life side by side?

@InTheWings has it. Why on earth is he involved in lengthy, expensive training to then work part time in the country. Is he hiding something?

His texts sound tedious really, quite immature and self interested,

Yours sound young, you should find someone else young to have fun with.

Are you in America?

It all sounds like a lot of intense naval gazing and stress. Five months is nothing particularly if you were in lockdown for some of it.

@gavisconismyfriend

You’ve told him how you feel about the current situation, he’s responded acknowledging your feelings and suggesting talking it through when you see each other. Not sure what the problem is or what more you think he could do before meeting at the weekend and talking? Sounds like life/work is v busy for him, is your life much quieter? If so perhaps that’s why you are investing so intensely and analysing everything so much? Some outside interests/hobbies would give you something else to focus on a bit and help him not to feel suffocated by you - which sounds like it may be a bit of a risk at the moment.

This. Tbh I'd have expected the reply to your super intense text to have been two words long and ending in 'off'. I think his response sounds honest - he likes you but he's very busy atm, which you say you are aware of and appreciate. Stop overthinking things.

Don't listen to people using the age gap as a reason this won't work , I have a bigger gap with my dh and it works great. Mumsnet is judgy about gaps. However do heed the advice of those saying you need to relax. 5 months is really early, relax and let it happen. Stop assessing where you are with huge texts and serious conversations and just see where it goes and enjoy it. Good luck OP

Are you in America (you refer to a different state)? Medical students have a punishing timetable out there don't they? Who knows if he genuinely doesn't have the time to see you more or if he's holding back a bit but I think you've been too needy over him not texting for one day.

I really think you're too intense to have a relationship with someone starting out in his career. It's going to be all encompassing for a good few years yet and any partner he has will take second place in some ways. Could you deal with that?

Aren’t relationships meant to be fun ? Seems very intense and not so much fun . I guess everyone is different , if I received a text like the one you sent him ,personally it would put me right off . That said ,you have a right to find out where the relationship is going , and if it’s not headed where you want it to go , you have the right to move on.
Once he’s qualified he’s likely going to have even less time to spend with you than he does now .

Yes, Why are you two talking to each other in business-speak?

Aren't relationships supposed to be fun?

It all sounds so high-maintenance and joyless.

Though I feel something may be lost in translation?

I think your text was long winded and way too serious , given he was tired and has indicated you can discuss this all at the weekend . At 24 ,have some fun , you are not 34 or 44 , so the clock isn't ticking, i say that as someone who had children later on in life.

Most importantly ....chill out

I disagree with other posters about it not being long enough, but I do think that if you're not both on the same page by now then it isn't meant to be.

^^
This

Aw OP, I think you are getting a hard time, you are young, everything
feels so much more intense in your 20s

Relax. If its meant to be, it will be. If he doesn't want the same things, you can't force it. In the kindest possible way, I don't think this relationship will endure, and to save yourself further stress, I would bow out gracefully. It makes for a much more pleasant life being with someone who is emotionally compatible with you, which this guy clearly is not. Good luck.

I could understand you putting him on the spot if you were 15 years older and wanting to start a family. But you’re 24 and it’s been five months - I think most relationships would still be in the early stages. As a pp said, he sounds like a self-respecting, decent man - he’s not rushing it, he’s not controlling, he’s focussed on his career, he’s able to be articulate about his feelings, he has a life that’s not just about you. That’s the kind of man I’d want! He knows you both have the time to take it slowly so he might find it odd that you’re saying these things - especially when he clearly can’t rearrange his commitments to make more time for you at the moment.

I’ll hold my hand up and admit I was a bit “intense” like this when I was younger and wanted to have a clear view of everything. But sometimes that’s not possible and you have to roll with it and go with the flow, to use two cheesy cliches. I think what you should do is reduce your focus on him and spend some time with other friends, on hobbies or family etc and take a step back. I don’t mean officially take a step back in the relationship, just in your own head if you see what I mean.

I can judge this by my relationship with my husband. From the moment we met, we wanted to be together. Still do, 16 years later.
You two haven't found "the one" yet!

I thought this was going to be about him being too intense given their somewhat sporadic dating habits. but then it turns out they see each other regularly enough that OP panics at not getting a text for 24 hours and she ends up being the pushy one.

OP: Next step is you have to accept that you have basically broken up with him. I don't know what you meant to do with that load of pain that you sent knowing he wants more and also knowing he is in the middle of a hard week and was ready for sleep. Whatever your intention, what you actually did was tell him he wasn't meeting expectations, and you were done. You didn't tell him you cared enough about him to work around the difficulties his education and career would have. Your text sounds like an attempt at very gently rejecting him and you sent it knowing he was tired, intending to sleep, and wouldn't see you for several days.

Kind of unfair to dump all that on him at that point on that particular day. You had just got off the phone knowing he'd had a long couple of days and was needing sleep to be back at it early. I get that you had been intending to have a clarifying talk, but a late night text of intensity is counter-productive. He has to carry that ultimatum around with him until the opportunity to talk to you face to face, by which time he might see that your expectations of how 'we' are don't match the reality he is living and what he can give right now.

Good Lord - This sounds intense, not sure I could handle that much scrutiny of my text etiquette.

Enjoy each others company, have a laugh, enjoy your youth.

Stop micro analysing things.