Guy I've been seeing gave me this response when we had the talk. Advice?

[miamichill]

So I've been seeing this guy since Feb/March. 33M, 24F. When we first met, he told me that he is looking to settle down and wants something serious. Everything has been great, we get along well. I've met his friends and they apparently really like me. Haven't been able to meet his parents as they live in another state. We've told each other before that we really like each other and he asked me a few weeks ago to clarify that I'm not seeing anyone else. Every time we catch up, he's always like 'it's been a while since we've seen each other' indicating that he would like to see me more. He also says to me sometimes 'I was talking to name, how long have we been seeing each other for again?' He's a med student - he's been busy lately with rotations and studying for an exam in the next few months. I get this, I'm in college as well. We saw each other at the weekend and went to a gathering with his friends. We normally see each other once or twice a week due to our schedules, mainly on the weekends though.
When I left on that Sunday, his texting was a bit short but I knew he had things coming up for the week. He told me that they put a group photo up of everyone in some group, so I asked for him to send it to me and he didn't. I didn't hear from him yesterday.
We've texted about every day since we first met and for the first time yesterday, he didn't text me. I was getting a bit concerned there was something even wrong with him so I called. I asked if everything was okay and he apologised saying he was busy. He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed. I was just a bit bummed he didn't text as it was out of his character too.

I've been meaning to have the talk with him about 'what we are' and where we see things going. He said that he dates in the hopes of a long term arrangement. He said that he really loves being in my company and said there are things that he sees we could be compatible however then said there are a few things he's not so sure about (he's an overthinker), I asked what and he said 'just to see if we're compatible with boring stuff' that often occurs when you get married. I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week. Which I found a bit strange because when we're doing very mundane things together, he is always saying how great it feels to be with me at that moment. He almost indicated that he can't tell at this stage. It was a bit late when we had this conversation so he almost wanted to get off the phone (I get it, he had to be up at 7). He also implied it's maybe too early to tell. I told him that I felt a bit unhopeful in a way and that his response seemed negative and he said it's not. He then went onto clarify that he really, really likes me.

He texted me afterwards saying 'Good night babe, don't be getting any wrong idea's' with a love heart. I sent him this "You mentioned that the progression of the relationship is contingent on spending more time together. However, we’ve been seeing each other for over 5 months now and I haven’t really seen you take any initiative to increase the time we spend together in which you said you needed to gauge whether we are compatible. If I’m being honest, where I’m at right now, I can’t wait any longer for you to gauge where things are at, particularly as I don’t see you taking the action to do so. I’ve been quite flexible and generous so far but where things are at I don’t see things progressing any further if I don’t see you making an effort"
He responded with "I understand your feelings. I guess I’m not sure exactly where to find the time to do more things with you. I think we could definitely squeeze in more during the week but especially now things are just so busy that it’s hard. I don’t really want to use that an excuse because it doesn’t justify my inattention the last couple of days but to a certain extent, it’s hard to escape. Do you want to talk about things properly this wkend? I think that would be best. I’m really keen on you but obviously, that’s not the only relevant consideration and we probably should clarify with each other how we envisage things going in the next while."

Advice? Where do I go from here? Thoughts in general?

Even at 5 months in, I would have questioned my boyfriend not getting in touch all day after 5 months of talking every single day. A relationship like that might be too intense for some but everybody is different and I guess OP knows her relationship (or whatever it is) best.

It may be a short amount of time in the grand scheme of things but personally, I feel it's reasonable to be thinking 'should I let myself become any more attached?' at this point.

Oh i feel some of these responses are a bit harsh. I've been with my partner for over a year, and question him if he doesn't contact me all day, as this is VERY unusual between us. So i can completely understand the concern as i would feel it too. I again wouldn't hesitate to pull someone up on a wishy washy commitment conversation, where it was made to feel they were unsure of the direction of the relationship.

I think sometimes people forget that some of us don't like to waste time and invest in relationships that have no direction.

Good luck

This. I don't see what a 24 year old could have in common with a 33 year old.

Also, haven't you been under lockdown, so technically, you haven't seen each other 1-2 times a week for 5m so your relationship is much younger than that?

You need to chill.

OP I think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here, it is ok to be a bit insecure and it seems that you have a relationship where you can talk honestly. That's a great starting point.

Some things you should take into account about cultural differences between the USA and the UK, as mumsnet is predominantly a British site. We tend to be a lot more reserved about discussing our feelings and I think that some posters are very much seeing your text in that context. I am British but have American step family and I could absolutely see one of them sending a text like that. I'd rather chew off my own arm than do anything of the sort! However, I do think that your text was a bit intense, even in the American context.

You do need to be clear about what you want out of life. In the UK, doctors work extremely long hours and I'm not sure how much that's the case in the USA, I'd guess it would be similar. If he wants marriage and kids, there will be some tough decisions about how the logistics of raising them will work, especially if you want a career of your own.

One thing that is true on both sides of the Atlantic- do not give up your own career to raise his kids unless you are married. And even then, its still in your best interests to have your own thing going on.

You are both studying, and you say you have many other interests too. Plus you have not been "seeing" each other for long, and the time you have been together has been an odd time for all relationships , let alone very new ones. You haven't been able to make the usual connections with each other's friends, relatives etc, or spend time doing the other things that people do when they are building a relationship and finding out about each other.

All in all I think you need to step back from commitments, promises, talks or whatever. See each other when your schedules permit, either as friends or as friends with benefits but don't push for the relationship to be any more than that for a while.

I haven't responded to his last messages and he sent me another message just now saying 'have I upset you?'

Any advice if any?

@MyOwnSummer thank you! I'm not American.

Personally I would not be happy with a casual relationship or friends with benefits relationship and need to know that I am invested in my partner and that he is invested in me. That said, I think communication between meeting should be flirty, fun, about missing each other and when to meet up next. Try to keep the 'heavy' chat for when you are together and can read body-language and ask questions.

"don't be getting any wrong idea's"

Did he really write that, miamichill?

I can't add to what others have said. He is a mature medical student and his life will be very intense so give him space. I know you can't help how you feel but being married, living together, is a big deal so he is right to take things one step at a time.

Take care.

@miamichill

I haven't responded to his last messages and he sent me another message just now saying 'have I upset you?'

Any advice if any?

Not really, just be bright and cheerful.

@miamichill

I haven't responded to his last messages and he sent me another message just now saying 'have I upset you?'

Any advice if any?

I think this needs a face to face conversation. Could you make time to do that shortly? The way you both communicated how you felt was very mature, but there's so much you can't gauge via text.

I would tell him that you're not upset, however, you need some clarity and need to see him in person to get it. Ask him to meet you at his earliest convenience and then create a plan of action for how you would like to address it.

He kind of went onto saying maybe we have different expectations of how many times we should text each other, which I disagreed

It sounds like he was saying he doesn't want to text all the time but doesn't want you to be upset or worried when he doesn't. He was flagging to you that his expectations on texting are different from yours, so you disagreeing that you have mismatched expectations gets you nowhere in understanding each other's perspective!

I told him that it's hard for him to make that judgement as we only see each other a few times a week

Again, if he's not sure about the relationship, listen to what he's saying. It doesn't sound like he's blaming you, he's just not ready to invest more time yet.

Your posts sound like you think he's being too quick to decide that you're not compatible, but from what you've said, it sounds like he's just not ready to decide either way yet.

If you need to know right now, then it doesn't sound like he's ready to commit to you. But if you're able to dial it back a bit and be a bit more chilled, it doesn't sound like the relationship has to end. I do think that if he keeps trying to tell you how he feels and you keep denying he feels the way he says, it might end quicker than you want, though.

He's clearly not that bothered. And he's gaslighting you. Move on, there's no happily ever after with this guy.

You don't want to settle down yet, do you? You'll be bored shitless with a medic/doctor at your age. Trust me, I've been there.

Where are your mates, or are they off playing Stepford too?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable after 5 months for the OP to wonder if they are official. Yes some people it’s never spoken as such and it’s just assumed they are boyfriend/girlfriend, but some people do want to have the confirmation either way.

I’m sorry, but 5 months is ample time to know whether you want to be with someone or not. OP is just wanting to know where she stands. If you like someone then you know after that amount of time, if you’re still thinking about it, then you don’t like them enough imo.

It seems to me like he’s wanting something more casual, as and when and that’s fair enough, but he needs to be straight with you. If you’re wanting to settle down with someone spend most of your time together etc, then I’m not sure he’s the one at the moment. Of course his job will be very demanding etc and so in fairness he won’t have a lot of free time, but that’s not really what he was saying, it was whether he could see you both together.

He sounds nice OP. But from your first post, it sounds like you’re on different pages right now.

I think if he is a few months of his final medical exams he is probably crazy busy just now.

Still don't understand how you could have fostered this relationship throughout lockdown.

Sounds to me like you both need to lighten up, enjoy each other's company and have fun together. Your texts seem very business like and intense.

Do you have fun together?

@chemicalworld we are constantly laughing and having fun in each other's presence which makes it even more confusing.

In that case, i'd just make plans with him this weekend and have a chat with him then about what you both want for the moment. He might need time alone because he needs time to recharge, he might not feel able to give you much more time than he does now - and that's up to you to decide if that's ok with you. I agree with the poster who said about it feeling like you are up for constant audition though! 5 months is perfectly reasonable to decide what your status is.

Perhaps it's just your writing style that is very stilted because your posts and your text are joyless and formal. In fact if there isn't some cultural reasons that you're deliberately not sharing on here (ie you are not in the UK; you are both from a culture that usually favours arranged marriage; you're from a culture that has immense pressure to marry and settle down early) then your relationship isn't really working. You don't have the temperament or patience to be in a relationship with a med student and creating a drama out of nothing when you know he has an exam is incredibly selfish.
But I'm also struggling with where you live that you've been able to see each other in the last 5 months. Most places have had some kind of lockdown.

@miamichill

I haven't responded to his last messages and he sent me another message just now saying 'have I upset you?'

Any advice if any?

You had a go at him because he didn't text you for a day, then sent that text basically issuing an ultimatum and haven't replied to his really decent response? Are you playing games because I think you will lose.

Why didn't you reply to him? You shouldn't have dumped and ran with your text, that was incredibly unfair of you and then to not respond when he tried to reassure you when you know the tough time he's having at work???

@AnneOfQueenSables

Perhaps it's just your writing style that is very stilted because your posts and your text are joyless and formal. In fact if there isn't some cultural reasons that you're deliberately not sharing on here (ie you are not in the UK; you are both from a culture that usually favours arranged marriage; you're from a culture that has immense pressure to marry and settle down early) then your relationship isn't really working. You don't have the temperament or patience to be in a relationship with a med student and creating a drama out of nothing when you know he has an exam is incredibly selfish. But I'm also struggling with where you live that you've been able to see each other in the last 5 months. Most places have had some kind of lockdown.

This

You see each other once or twice a week. So in five months you’ve been in each other’s company less than 40 times (that’s calculating twice a week, every week).

Way too intense. You haven’t even met his family yet.

You haven't told us where he is in his training, because that makes a huge difference. After his first five years of basic training, you will have, probably the same again before he can even think about going off for the quiet life. Medicine will take over your relationship and will trample through your time together.

Next, stop being needy, because he doesn't text you doesn't mean he is no longer engaged. It means he is busy and if he continues in medicine this will be your life.