Help me accept that I don’t have the life I planned and wanted

[PollyAnnaSky]

All I ever wanted was a family, home, husband.

I’ve got a decent job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a nice house, small because it is just me but I like it. I have a few friends and three very very good ones.

I am desperately lonely that I don’t have a family and a husband. I’ve dated over and over, had a couple of long term things many years back, the last year had a horrendous break up with a miscarriage to add to the mix as well. I have now withdrawn totally from that dream and I want to accept my life for what it is.

I am having counselling. I don’t want a child on my own. So I just need to get to a point where desperate sadness for the life I’ve wanted since forever is no longer there. I need help with this? How do I get there? How to I smile at peoples milestones knowing that life is never going to happen for me?

Being proactive and positive minded about things has not led me to that life and it’s almost made me more unhappy. I have plenty of hobbies etc but this has just never happened for me and I so want to learn to accept it rather than cry myself to sleep half the days a week and feel like empty hole that isn’t filled.

Anyone managed this?

Love your story @LividLaughLovely

Kinda similar to ours although we met at 24 (him) and 28 (me) so our timescale was a bit longer as we had a bit of time before worrying seriously about fertility and we’re both at very crucial points in our careers... but on our first date I told him I was ready for kids and planning on trying in approx. 3yr time either with the right guy or on my own. And if that was something he was open to then great, if not, great! No point in wasting each other’s time. We ended up trying at 2.5yr, married at 3yr (pregnant at the wedding, which was always our intention).

You have to be pretty upfront and honest if you’re dating to find a husband and father to your children: I enjoyed the shorter term relationships in my twenties just fine but was determined at 28 not to get into another relationship with an expiration date while my biological clock ticked away, I knew I couldn’t afford to give those years to someone if they didn’t bring children. It sounds cold and ruthless but you have to be as a woman, no man is worth giving up your chance to have a child if you really want one.

Hello @PollyAnnaSky,
I absolutely relate to everything you've written - it could have been me writing a few years ago. I think it's such a huge challenge to accept a life that hasn't worked out as planned - it's definitely my biggest challenge - but it is possible from my experience. After many years of singleness and dysfunctional relationships, I got married last year (at 49). That wasn't the plan! The plan was to marry in my 30s and have a few kids. We don't have children - that's been a long journey of understanding and acceptance - but most of the time, I feel entirely content, with my relationship, with my work, with my life. Some days I look around me at the families and think about what could have been but most of the time I accept this as my path and my journey. I had to do so much work on myself because of my own upbringing. I literally had to learn to re-parent myself before I could have a relationship with anyone else. That took time. I'm so pleased I did the work, even though it was painful at times. Not everyone needs to go on this inner journey. For some, love and family come so easily. That's hard to watch. It wasn't like that for me but I've created a life that I love and the moments of regret are few and far between. So I hope this gives you hope that it is possible to accept the life we have today, rather than wonder about all the what ifs. I believe you'll get there. Keep talking about it and writing about it and sharing about it - for me, that was a key part of my healing.