Help me accept that I don’t have the life I planned and wanted

[PollyAnnaSky]

All I ever wanted was a family, home, husband.

I’ve got a decent job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a nice house, small because it is just me but I like it. I have a few friends and three very very good ones.

I am desperately lonely that I don’t have a family and a husband. I’ve dated over and over, had a couple of long term things many years back, the last year had a horrendous break up with a miscarriage to add to the mix as well. I have now withdrawn totally from that dream and I want to accept my life for what it is.

I am having counselling. I don’t want a child on my own. So I just need to get to a point where desperate sadness for the life I’ve wanted since forever is no longer there. I need help with this? How do I get there? How to I smile at peoples milestones knowing that life is never going to happen for me?

Being proactive and positive minded about things has not led me to that life and it’s almost made me more unhappy. I have plenty of hobbies etc but this has just never happened for me and I so want to learn to accept it rather than cry myself to sleep half the days a week and feel like empty hole that isn’t filled.

Anyone managed this?

There are things I am interested in but nothing as much as a busy family life.

I completely understand this OP. I would gently suggest that you might want to select the second or third item on your list of interests, and pursue it anyway. You so far haven't got what you wanted - so find a way to occupy your time and use your energy, even though it won't be in your first-choice way.

It's that or despair really. I'm being very blunt here, I'm sorry about that. It's meant with love.

You’re getting so many lovely, detailed, helpful replies.

And pretty much ignoring the vast majority of the content of them. If even bothering to acknowledge them at all.

Honestly, now: why did you come here and post this? Ask yourself. Whether you answer here or not.

Sorry, I am reading them all, I just get distracted when people say that I’m choosing to be unhappy or such like!

It seems so simple for everyone else to find someone in life.

I could be you. We are almost exactly the same age (and I’m very much 36 not almost 37!) and like you all I wanted was marriage and children.
I sob almost every single day because of the physical ache of wanting biological children and feeling it’s slipping out of my grasp. I’ve been depressed for many years about it now and although I’ve travelled, I’ve got tonnes of friends, had incredible hobbies pre lockdown, an amazing career, my own home (with two empty bedrooms that make me cry), I’m an auntie and an adoptive auntie, I volunteer, have an amazing career etc etc...I want children. I want a husband.

We are allowed to want that. I tried to make it go away it doesn’t.

The sperm donor route is absolutely not an option for me. My family and community are religious and not English, I’d be ostracised and I personally wouldn’t agree with it anyway.

I am open to adopting as a single person. But not to solve my unhappiness. That’s far too much pressure to put on a baby or child who has already had a rough start to life.

The lockdown has been tough. It’s made us more introspective than usual perhaps? And dating options are limited...maybe that’s why you already think of both of us as 37 and “late 30s”? We’ve been cheated out of the best part of a year when we were already on a timescale that was sensitive and imperative that we got a move on with.

It’s not a fact that it’s too late for a husband and children. It just isn’t. It’s also not a fact that we are 37. It’s not a fact that it will never happen for us. It might be true that marriage and motherhood aren’t any happier than this. Like me, I doubt you’ll feel that makes a difference or is helpful information.

I’ve wrestled with all of this for years and it’s stolen my happiness. I regret that.

I’d agree gratitude etc is important and focussing on other non relationship but meaningful goals.

HOWEVER.

The only way you will definitely never be a wife or mother is by deciding now you aren’t even going to try.

I want it. I can’t not be a mum. It’s not an option. And I will fight for it. I advise you to too.

Whether I meet a good man to marry and have biological children with or I adopt or both, I need to be mentally fit, physically fit and deal with all this past trauma. I can sort that out now, in this lockdown, as much as possible.

I think the real reason I’m single is attachment and childhood trauma, childhood emotional neglect and specifically my father and my brother’s treatment of me (like I was invisible or they’d prefer me not to exist) from babyhood. I learned men did not like me. I learned I was “unlovable”. So I lived a life like that...not looking for love, real love. Abandoning myself. And all of that shit about being unlovable wasn’t even true in the first place. I don’t need to take on my father and brother’s sickness and lack of warmth.

So...right now, here’s where we are.

We want to be married and we want children.
We have a need to be a wife and to mother and nurture.

So what I’m trying damn hard to do is be MY life partner and love me the way I deserve. I’m mothering and loving and guiding that little girl inside me who wasn’t nurtured, or protected or seen.

I’m healing my attachment trauma. I’m doing the Freedom Programme. I’m devouring self help books. I’m focussing on my faith and my relationship with God.

And.

I’m getting ready to seriously, seriously date as soon as this lockdown is properly over. None of the Tinder shit. Serious, with a view to marriage only, dating. I’m clear on my boundaries, what I’m looking for, what I won’t tolerate.

Back in December I was suicidal over this. It’s not an option now. Seriously, what a waste of a fucking life if I’d have killed myself without putting 100% into my dreams. Cos they aren’t ridiculous dreams. They are still possible and achievable and there are tens of thousands of other people in the world who manage exactly what we want. Why the hell shouldn’t it be us?!

I’m not going to tell you how to stop wanting these things. I’m going to tell you to heal and then just bloody well go for it. It’s too early to give up. FACT.

namechange your post just made me cry. Could I inbox you?

@PollyAnnaSky I’m sorry, I hope it was healing tears rather than causing you upset you didn’t want or need

Sure you can inbox me x

@PollyAnnaSky
I genuinely had to read your first post twice and was confused as to when I name changed and wrote it. I am in exactly the same position as you (other than I have just hit 40- that was/is god awful) word for word. I’m so sad ALL the time that the only things I ever wanted are not going to happen, a husband and children. No one seems to get it (IRL) and I have no friends (not even 1) that are not married with children, my brother, all my cousins, all my work colleagues, all attached and with children, even the horrible ones! I have no advice for you, I just think unless you’re in our position, you just don’t understand. I’ve been reading up on ivf however, just need to sort the finances, oh and lose a shed load more weight before I can do it- easy eh?!

Gorgonzola there are a lot of shit counsellors out there.

90% of women under 40 fall.pregsnt within two yrs of trying (according to NHS fertility website before I get another mn poster telling me I'm "embarrasing myself" by saying that as one dud before).

In my personal experience, over 49 many women are ok til 42 when there may be a bit of a cliff.

So you and the other poster have time yet.

What about introduction agencies? For people who'd like to find a spouse, serious partner? Paid ones that not many men would be wasting their and other people's time on.

You could look into egg freezing, if you can afford it. Ivf is not nice bit your eggs will not improve from on. (In saying that, if you have no other fertility issues,I read that natural conception is actually better in some ways .. because nature selects and "makes stick" the best eggs, whereas IVF stimulates the body to fire them.all out, inc dubious quality ones).

You could also get a fertility check so you know if you might have any issues, rather than finding out later when time is of the essence. A check isn't perfect but better than nothing.

Fwiw I know several women (myself among them) who had first children at 40+.

*over 40

Also I would seriously consider changing region of I couldn't meet many single men in my region, and I don't mean change to a region where I might have exactly the same demographic.

Large cities generally have more single people. Some regions, eg in Canada, are supposed to have higher male to female ratios.

Again, Ive had posters in previous threads find that ludicrous ... Why? If it's do important to have a husband/partner and family, why is anything that helps your odds ludicrous? If you own a home in your region rent it out and house-share in a city with more single men. If you could do a year or more out with your job in a different country, why not?

When I was in Japan yes hung English years ago, another teacher from the same company took me along to meet an Aussie girl she knew who was visiting. She told me her grandmother or mum, can't remember which, emigrated from Ireland (I'm from NI) to Oz as part of an initiative to get women over there to marry the (proportionally far greater number of) men. Those women took their chance, they moved to the other side of the world for their chance. Yes, they did t have the economic opportunities women have now, but economic opportunities are separate from the issue of meeting a partner a d having kids.
Radical things must be done sometimes. Even if they don't succeed, at least you can say you did everything you could, above and beyond.

You can't give up. If you want a family life, you can't give up. Why would you? Do you think that for all of us who are currently married it just happened? Most of us had the same thoughts went through loneliness etc at some point. Then in retrospect it all seems a fairytale, the dots can only be connected once you've arrived at the goal. While in fact, it's just like anything else in life: you want a better job, you go to the interview. Be proactive, be proud that you want to be a mother, a part of a couple, be proud that you accept the challenge that is Life. Nobody regrets having tried, having lived. You should define what you want (write it down, if it'll help you focus), describe your dream life to yourself and go for it.

You are allowed to grieve for the life you haven't got. I couldn't have children and still occasionally grieve that. It's perfectly ok / normal and you should give yourself permission to feel like that. That said, all the other advice about choosing to do things now that you couldn't do with kids are a great plan and does help. I changed careers and now work with young people - but quite enjoy the fact that I don't have to look after them at home! Be kind to yourself - but that does involve making plans for moving on as well as acknowledging your current sadness.

Would you consider adoption? It's the route l ended up going down. It's been SO tough but, like you, l longed form those challenges. It also has the advantage that you are meeting an existing need rather than creating an ivf baby which might not be biologically yours anyway (ie if you need donor eggs). I would set the ball rolling by looking at ways to become a mum. Who knows, if you are focusing on that and moving forward on that part of your dream then the rest might follow. Such a cliche but things do tend to happen once you're not obsessing about them. Good luck x

OP please don't give up! There are lots of women on MN who met their husband in their mid/late 30s. Get back on OLD - a proper try is 30/40 first dates. It is a second job, be industrious. Some people just stumble into the love of their life in the supermarket, but for lots of us it takes work. OLD is easy in the sense that there are so many men there - you just have to weed through the rubbish to find the good ones and that takes time and effort and it can be soul destroying sometimes, but if you don't try... xx

I could have written your post at your age, and then suddenly life changed. Married with a family now, all came completely unexpectedly. Please dont give up OP. Knock on all the doors until the one you want opens up.

At your age I had no dc and now I have 2 dds. I am a single parent tho and sometimes I wish I had just gone down the donor route.

Anyway if you think your life is meaningless without kids, try to have kids. Pick a donor and get on with it. Otherwise, go enjoy the single life. But don’t waste your time being miserable

I’m sorry you are feeling this way and am not sorry for your loss. For my 40th birthday - tired of feeling exactly what you describe - I used up all my savings travelling to Peru alone. I stayed in the rainforest and hiked the Inca Trail and met wonderful people from around the world that I’m still in touch with. Bit OTT, but I’d had enough of feeling lonely and sad. There’s so much out there. So much life to be lived. On my return I met a lovely man online, got pregnant, moved in together and had my son at the grand old age of almost 42. We got engaged this weekend (I’m now 44). I almost hesitated to include that second part because it sounds like a happy ending. I would never have imagined it possible. But I was genuinely happy and building myself a fulfilling life before all that. And I think that was the important change. Not “accepting” your lot as such, more creating a rich life of different relationships and experiences. And who knows what will come your way when you stop mourning a life when it’s still there to be lived. Good luck, OP.

That should read AM sorry for your loss!!

I know you just want to give up but how do you know you won’t look back in 10 years time and wish you had tried dating for a little bit longer? My last ditch effort would be to read the book ‘The Rules for capturing the heart of Mr Right’. If only for a laugh. It changed my mindset for dating which helped when things weren’t going well.

I'm not so sure that many people live such a charmed life op. I'm 50 and I look around my friends and there is all sorts, single, single parents, dating, married happily with kids, married happily but couldn't have kids so adopted, married with kids with relationship problems, married with kids but bored and frustrated, stuck in a bad marriage because of kids, parents of teenagers going through hell, going through hellish divorce but happily dating, widowed with kids and completely heartbroken, married happily but no kids.

I do have kids and have spent very little of my life single. However, I was also very unhappy for a long time in my relationships. I'm now a single parent which I find infinitely better than when I was with my ex and after a few years of online dating I met someone I had a short relationship with, had a bit of a heartbreak and now dating someone else.

Yes it is luck but it is also pursuing what you want. I have some friends who cannot do OLD and don't understand how I can do it, but I'm of the mindset that yes, I'll have to chat to a lot of guys to find someone that I click with but if I don't then it is unlikely that with my lifestyle I will meet someone out and about. So I'm prepared to put up with the bad points of OLD to have a chance at finding someone. And if it doesn't last, then no big deal as long as I enjoy myself.

My friends who are single and whose lives don't lend themselves to finding someone in real life easily aren't meeting anyone because they won't do OLD or anything to increase their chances of meeting single men. It doesn't matter how amazing they are but if they're not exposed to single men, there is no chance of any of these men falling for them.

I always wanted children and I wanted them so much that had I not had children when I was your age, I would have started looking at donors or other ways. Having children usually means big sacrifices and I don't think it is ever how you imagine it. Absolutely worth it in my opinion, but don't let not being with a man stop you from trying to have a child. In my experience, it would have been easier being a single parent from the start or at least it wouldn't have been any harder. I advised my best friend in her late 30s to look into it but she also didn't want to have a child without the father. which is fair enough but for me having children was what I really wanted and had a time limit, finding a man has no time limit.

Very few of us end up with the life we want. It killed me when I split up with my ex imagining splitting custody because I had been with them every day since they were born. But actually, dare i say it, it is better. It means that when they are with me i can concentrate on them and enjoy them more because when they're not with me i can concentrate on my work, hobbies, boyfriend, friends, housework etc.

So what I'm trying to say is that we each have to work with the life we are given and when it doesn't present itself how we want it, we may have to look at how we can achieve what we want and also appreciate the stuff that we have. Amd yes, it may mean changing your lifestyle. I'm not sure I'd want to live where I love now if I was single and childless- surrounded by big family homes- I'd move to a small city for example. I notice with OLD when I've travelled, there are many more men in cities than where I live.

Also, don’t discount Tinder.

It might have had the hookups rep in the past but now it’s a numbers game.

Met my husband on it, six months before the wedding and eleven months before the baby 😆

Difference was I told him straight what I was doing with my life and that he was welcome to join for the ride.

(He was date three zillion in eleven years. I only went because I was bored...)

Check out the podcasts by Elizabeth Day 'how to fail' and the interview on whistles.com at the moment- she talks about how some things can be so painful and feel like a failure but you can learn to be at peace with it - she talks about the fact she can't have children for example. Might be helpful for you x

Where I want to get to is the idea that I no longer have to cover the cracks because I don’t want that life anymore. I want so badly to not want these things. To not wake up everyday craving that future

I understand why you would want to be different, because it then wouldn't hurt, but I don't know that it is achievable. Your counsellor can hopefully help you.

At only 36 you are young to write a family off entirely and marriage can happen at any age.

You have been through a lot by the sounds of it so for you, especially for the MC which must have been a hard time.

I have a male friend who is in a very similar situation and I think going through the same thing. Obviously the biological issues are different but he struggles with not having his own family when he just assumed he would.

He is trying to fill his time with activities and learning new skills and obviously the lockdown has made everything really difficult. He's decided to give up on OLD dating because it was making him feel a lot worse.

I think there could be something in finding something to do that isn't really compatible with raising small children. It's hard when family life is seen as the norm and it's difficult to avoid. It could also help you meet potential friends in a similar situation rather than those who have to put their families first.