Help me accept that I don’t have the life I planned and wanted

[PollyAnnaSky]

All I ever wanted was a family, home, husband.

I’ve got a decent job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a nice house, small because it is just me but I like it. I have a few friends and three very very good ones.

I am desperately lonely that I don’t have a family and a husband. I’ve dated over and over, had a couple of long term things many years back, the last year had a horrendous break up with a miscarriage to add to the mix as well. I have now withdrawn totally from that dream and I want to accept my life for what it is.

I am having counselling. I don’t want a child on my own. So I just need to get to a point where desperate sadness for the life I’ve wanted since forever is no longer there. I need help with this? How do I get there? How to I smile at peoples milestones knowing that life is never going to happen for me?

Being proactive and positive minded about things has not led me to that life and it’s almost made me more unhappy. I have plenty of hobbies etc but this has just never happened for me and I so want to learn to accept it rather than cry myself to sleep half the days a week and feel like empty hole that isn’t filled.

Anyone managed this?

queen I know your post is well meaning and I am so appreciative of the time people have taken to reply. It’s not that I focus on what I lack, I know my life is perfectly nice it’s just not what I ever wanted or planned or would have chosen if two paths were presented to me.

I want to forget I have ever wanted any of this. There have been times I wished I could just disappear and not carry on living, not out of sadness but because I just don’t care about a life like this, it is meaningless to me in many ways.

You sound really depressed OP. It sounds like the heartbreak of last relationship + miscarriage has done a number on you.

But you can’t trick your brain into pretending it doesn’t want something - you can learn to accept things, but pretending won’t make it go away & can leas to a nervous breakdown in future. You must “feel” your feelings in order to work through them.

The fact you say all you wanted is children but won’t consider a donor etc, it makes me think you have a trauma which must be addressed. It’s like, if you can’t have what you want the exact way you pictured it, it’s not worth having - but life often doesn’t work out as we plan.

Challenge your way of thinking & why you feel the way you do - lamenting about not having kids, but you could have them! You’ve decided not to - totally ok, but own your decisions.

To write yourself Off from finding a husband in your mid 30s is also quite dramatic. But it sounds like it’s coming from a place of depression, which is understandable.

Have you considered changing your lifestyle to be something that would not accommodate a family etc.

At the moment you are stable and have a home that is set up for family life, would you consider doing something that just wouldn’t be compatible with that ? Like a job where you travel constantly, or a creative job which requires long hours working in Tv, the arts, working on a yacht. Working in the music industry.

Many of these types of lifestyles/jobs just don’t a accommodate family life and attract people who aren’t looking for it.

Perhaps a change like that would help refocus your life and achievements.

I’m not mid thirties though, I’m nearly 37 in February.

Changing my life so that it isn’t a family world is a good idea. I’m not sure where to start with it but I like the sound of it.

Two things 1. You aren't too old, you never know what is around the corner but more importantly 2. There's more than one way to make a family, my friend was in your situation and now has an amazing adopted daughter who has cerebral palsy, abandoned by her birth family at the hospital at birth (incredibly sad) but my friend was an approved foster carer and took her home at 2 weeks she then adopted after a year.

What's right for you we don't know but counselling should help and I would consider looking into ways you can make your life how you want it.

I have had my second child at age 46, and finally feel I’m achieving the life I dreamed of - but it’s been a huge emotional rollercoaster, with some major setbacks. It’s taken so much perseverance. My desire to have a good career, travel etc meant I was much later to become a parent, but - now that I am - I have more self confidence than in my thirties, and am a better parent because of this. I had IVF, and it would be well worth looking into having your eggs frozen. Life id challenging - but it IS beautiful. I now love my sensitivity - that my ability to see, touch, feel is heightened. Being out in nature, climbing a hill - just reminds me of how lucky I am. Please don’t give up!!! You can do this!!! There are ways and opportunities out there.

Literally out of my whole post you have decided to only comment that I am wrong you are in your mid-30s because you will be 37 in February 2021 - as a 38 year old, you sound pessimistic and depressed. You don’t want to enter into any conversation about possible trauma /depression red flags, just ideas on how to accept your life will never be as your dreamed & planned.

If you want to give up your dreams go for it ! But you must replace them with new dreams. I am confused why you are only responding selectively & picking out things that aren’t really necessary - like the fact that 36 isn’t “mid-30s” to you.

If you’re not going to have kids what does it matter ? Just say mid-30s, you’re not on a time schedule. Try to forget how old you are and focus on how you feel.

PollyAnna, I understand, and I'm sorry for not listening properly. It sounds like you're grieving the life you thought you would have, and that you still wish for. It is a huge loss, and maybe also feels like a failure or rejection, which would make it that much harder to keep trying and keep going through these awful feelings. It is definitely a valid and maybe even a wise choice to refuse to keep putting yourself in a painful situation. But of course you can't just turn off your feelings, and I imagine there will be a lot of grief to work through - which if you have a good counsellor, they will help you to lighten that burden of grief and see your way through it.

Maybe there is no easy answer but I do think that you can still have a beautiful and meaningful life, even if it looks completely different to the one you imagined.

Sorry, I don’t mean to be selective about answers.

I guess whatever the reason trauma or background, the fact is I am alone, I have little in common with friends and colleagues these days and I wish so much that I had a different plan. I am low. If I knew my life was to be over soon I would feel relieved. I will carry on and live a quiet life as long as I have to but I have no desire to be here, just ploughing on in loneliness. I’ve so many friends but nothing replaces that void when the door shuts and they return to their busy homes

You already have one of your life goals ..a home
You are young enough to have your second goal ..a child. If that’s what you really want do it. Your fertility clock is ticking
Then there is absolutely no time pressure to find your third goal ..a partner.
If you realise that’s not actually what you want then appreciate your freedom...travel , take risks.
I chose not to have children. My husband died , then lockdown happened. I have had thoughts “ should I have had children so I am not so alone ? “
But no, once lockdown ends I will be off globetrotting again.
I am sending you hugs. Life is short, live it xxxx

It's possible that you're of the generation that was told you could have it all. That life would seamlessly unfurl itself exactly as your hopes, dreams and wishes desired. That expectations were to be fulfilled automatically almost.
I don't know you OP, obviously. But you are of a similar age to my nieces and nephews who are going through emotional upsets and trauma similar to yourself.
One can't get a job despite being brilliantly qualified. One can't get her partner to commit despite being engaged for over six years now. Another has moved to the south east for work, sold his apartment but can't get a mortgage because his equity isn't enough and his landlord wants to sell up. And my niece's husband left her three weeks ago after her recent miscarriage.
And all of them are understandably, raging against the universe because it isn't bloody fair. It really isn't.
But it's life.
Life isn't fair.
I wish I had a magic wand and could make it better for my relatives and for you OP but I can't sadly.
What I can do is give you a bit of advice.
Count your blessings.
You have so many blessings.just as my relatives do....though they can't see them for themselves at the moment.
And sometimes, just being grateful for what you do have rather than angry at what you don't have can change your world view; opening it up to new experiences and who knows, just maybe a new love too.

But you could have a different plan, you’re choosing not to then wondering why you feel miserable. It’s pretty immature that just because your first plan didn’t work you’re going to throw in the towel & not adapt to change & adjust your dreams?

Seriously what are your expectations of parenthood or being married? It sounds like they are not based in reality

Because in reality you could have a child if you wanted, but you’re choosing not to because you would prefer to have one within the confines of a marriage or relationship. That’s your decision - you’ve decided to not have kids, you’re not a victim of fate, you just don’t like the concept of pregnancy via a donor & being a sole parent. Fair enough, but don’t have to be a victim about it.

Also you could have a relationship, you’re choosing not to seek out avenues to meet a match via online dating. You’ve closed the door & do not wish to reopen it. That doesn’t sound like someone leaving it up to fate & happy to chug along solo until it & when someone suitable crosses your path in real life - you have said this is unlikely to happen because you’re in your “late 30s now”.

You would do well to challenge your perceptions & beliefs. Why did you only start dating at age 29?

I recommend you watch the film Wild (2014) with Reece Witherspoon x

Only 36 ...that's so young! I honestly thought you were in your 50s or 60s the way you were writing. I know many people who met and married and had children when they were older than you. You sound like you are in a sad place right now and very depressed. I'm not surprised, a bad breakup and a miscarriage is a lot to have happen. You are grieving both, I think. Continue with the counselling and try and be kind to yourself. There is still time for you to find what you want. I wish you happier times ahead, Polly.

viking I hadn’t considered that it is my choice to not go down the donor route etc maybe sounds silly but yes you’re right I’m not a victim and I’ve chosen that.

It’s not that I think these things are a ticket to happiness. I know that there would be sadness and stresses in different forms with a family and husband. I get that. I just want the experience of it.

I will carry on counselling I just wish I could not want these things, like really and truly not want them

My life has not turned out how I planned wither but in the other way, I married and we have a blended family with children... I didn't ever plan to have children. That said I do love them but occasionally look at my firends who do not have them and think what if. Particularly over lockdown when I could have read a hundred books, watched endless tv and eaten lovely food... Instead of which I've refereed a thousand arguments eaten endless dinners with children whinging they don't like it and tried to teach things I don't necessarily understand That said, if I were you and I wanted a family I would definitely do what I could, and you can take steps towards having a child on your own. You don't need anyone else, and you might meet them later. Once you have a child your whole life changes and you won't be libely for years - in fact you might miss the peace and quiet!

Also I didn’t start dating at 29... well I did but only because that’s when my last long term relationship ended!

@PollyAnnaSky you keep rounding your age up to 37 when in fact you are closer to 36? I realise that’s splitting hairs, but I think it shows how you are taking an overall negative view of your situation.

You have options here. You need to decide what works for you, just for now. No decision needs to be permanent.

You could take a break from chasing the man, the kids etc...start thinking about life goals for you based on having freedom, your own home etc...

You could continue to date, take your time, thinking of long term companionship but without the biological deadline of it being about kids..

You could continue to date, making it a high priority because you feel you would still like to have children...

It’s really tough when you don’t know what the future holds, and you have lonely nights at home to dwell on what you hoped you’d have by now...but I’m not sure you can make yourself feel better by not being honest with yourself about what you want. But you can make the pursuit of that less painful by also prioritising improving the quality of your life as single.

At just a couple of years younger than you I was in the same position as you and felt much the same. Existential angst about the point of life without the nuclear family. Already had a failed marriage, multiple failed relationships after. Then at 35 I was having my first child in my second marriage, my second at 38 and my third at 42. Life has changed unimaginably. I wouldn’t have believed it if you’d told me. And the interesting thing was there were a fair few 40+ women around me when I had my third.

I definitely did not imagine having children into my 40s when I was 30/35 but here we are...and I’m really glad of two things 1) that I threw myself into being single when I could, I have loads of experiences to look back on (single holidays etc) that I will never be able to repeat now 2) I kept an open mind and seized the opportunities that came up (for many terrible dates until someone great came along.

I get you OP.

I second the suggestion of setting up a life that precludes children/traditional family routines. For example, experimenting with artistic or sporting pursuits and getting into a very absorbing routine of many hours of practice/training. E.g. triathlon, cycling/long distance running, hiking, golf, watercolours, sculpture, ceramics. Something expensive and time consuming. Or something like animal rescue fostering, getting a masters degree, etc etc.

I would suggest travel but that's tricky right now.

FWIW I got everything I wanted and after my first DC my DH turned on me and became desperately abusive. I now have an only child who will never have siblings and my family of origin left me to it because they didnt agree with divorce. Life rarely goes to plan. We all of us, every one, go through or will go through what you're currently experiencing. You're part of a sisterhood and you arent alone. Much love to you x

Here is what the donor route involves.

It involves (at OPs age) IVF, which for private treatment with donor sperm is around £7000.

Then you have to self-fund maternity leave, you have to ensure you have enough savings to cover you for this time and pay your mortgage and other bills.

Then when you go back to work you have to either accept the pay cut of part time or fork out for FT nursery fees out of one salary.

It is not like popping to the shop and saying hello I would like a baby please. I wish posters wouldn’t blithely suggest it.

@PollyAnnaSky

This could have been me 20 years ago. I was married at 21 and got divorced when I was 37. My ex-H was very controlling and I had the bruises to prove it. We'll leave that there - I've moved on thankfully.

I, like you, realised that I had to start building a nice life potentially without a partner or children. I'd not been on the dating scene since I was 19 years old! And I certainly didn't want another man like ex-H.

So I started a book- I still have it and flick through it sometimes.

I divided a page in half. On one side of the page I wrote down all the things I would hope to do, not just then but in the future - even things like retire to the country! On the other side of the page I wrote, honestly, the things that would stop me doing them. Then I wrote down how I could overcome the obstacles. I wrote down get married again and have kids and where I may meet 'Mr Right'. But I realised, as I wrote, that some of the things I wanted to do would be easier to do whilst I didn't have kids (or even Mr Right). Small things like going to the theatre or a posh restaurant occasionally. Now you may be with someone that enjoys the theatre ... or you may not. I do so I used to go on my own - no one to argue about what we're going to see.

I started doing the things I wanted to do in anticipation that the rest would follow and if it didn't I'd be enjoying my life!

I started relishing the fact that I could go to the gym then have a facial on a Saturday, then change, go for a nice lunch with a couple of friends, take myself to the theatre in the evening with barely a backward glance to my flat. Or to an art gallery or have a weekend away with mates without having to work out if it fitted in with someone else's plans. Or sorting out child care. Or saying 'sorry, can't go on for a drink. I've got to get the kids school stuff ready'. No ties.

I enjoyed the fact that, if I was doing something like decorating I didn't have to stop to eat until I wanted to. You can look at that two ways of course. Either it's sad because it doesn't matter if you got a meal at 6pm or 8pm. Or it's great because you can choose to eat at 8pm if 6pm doesn't suit you and no-one is going to be saying 'can we eat now?'

I had a wonderful two years. I celebrated my 38th birthday (it's in the winter) with a bunch of friends, coming out of a lovely wine bar at midnight with the snow beginning to fall (it never snowed before or after that year on my birthday - felt like an omen). It felt very liberating to me (having had the relationship I'd had) to just be standing in the snow at midnight on my birthday - no working to someone else's needs.

When I was 39 years old I felt ready to get out and do more things. Someone recommended an organisation to me. The organisation had been set up about 20 years or so before by a man who had just moved to Manchester. He wanted to do things like abseiling but didn't know anyone to go with so he advertised to see if he could get a group together for a cheaper rate. He got so many replies that he started a club, franchised it and now it's UK wide. They do lots of things like walking holidays, theatre trips, meals, gallery visits, ski trips, parties. You name it. Of course, if you enjoy walking and join all those kinds of trips, you often bump into the same people and sometimes you click. That happened to a number of couples we know who met through this organisation.

I say 'we' because, two months after I joined I met the man who is now my husband. We began as people who bumped into each other at events. Then started meeting for a drink or lunch as we worked near each other. And that was that. By the time we met I'd been enjoying my single life for two years and had pretty much left the 'Mr Right and kids' idea behind.

We married when I was 41 years old and DS was born three years later. He's our one and only.

The point of this long ramble is that, at 37 years old, I assumed that kids was a part of my life that would never happen. But I didn't resign myself to that. I tried to give myself the positives of not being in a relationship or having children. The freedom, the ability to be 'selfish' - I didn't even have to discuss the colour I wanted the living room painted, I just got on with it. Any money in your pocket is yours, any spur of the moment invitation can be accepted without having to work out if it's OK with anyone else. Marvellous!

Don't give up on dreams - they can come true. But don't give up on a wonderful life in the meantime. You only have one - so make it as lovely as you can.

Rather than closing the door and feeling a void, can you work towards closing the door and entering your sanctuary? I know you are somewhere mentally you don’t want to be and the experience of others may not help but I love the fact that my life is mine. Yes, I can get lonely but I know other in relationships do and so on. Try, each time you think ‘negatively’, to then consider the ‘positives’. Oh and having a couple of cats really helped!

The gratitude suggestions are great. It sounds like you have a very full life, with good family, friends, a comfortable home, hobbies you enjoy.

There is no 'perfect life' and things happen at different times for different people. I wonder if you're generally feeling a bit down (lockdown has been so isolating)? Keep going to the counselling.

36 is so young and is full of all kinds of opportunities, could you set yourself some other goals perhaps to focus on? It does not mean ruling out that you will meet someone and go on to have children it just means that your idea of success and happiness is no longer solely based on that - what else would give meaning to your life, make you excited, what things are on your bucket list? Are there any changes you'd like to make - e.g area you live, your job? Make a plan and do things for you.

It sounds like you have a good head on you. There's a reason those previous relationships broke up so don't be thinking 'what if'.

@bluesapphirestars that’s quite negative, and I don’t think anyone is blithely suggesting. Having been through the process, yes it does cost thousands - but to me this was worth the cost - more than new car/wedding - and we live in a very modest house.

@bluesapphirestars am not “blithely” suggesting anything - the practicalities of it are no harder than actual parenting. It’s money & time. You have to want it & work for it to happen. If someone is facing not having children it’s a logical option.

If you decide it’s not something you want then don’t - but that’s still a woman’s personal decision & as the OP mentions she has already bought a house she sounds financially secure or at least responsible enough to make it happen, should she decide to go that route

OP you must be honest with yourself & you can’t pretend you don’t feel something you do. In order to accept your reality you can’t push your feelings aside & refuse to think about them.

If you never have kids then you will be healthier mentally to admit to this “yes I want them but life just didn’t work out that way” and not pretend “I didn’t want kids”.

You still have not mentioned your family, if they live close by etc...