Help me accept that I don’t have the life I planned and wanted

[PollyAnnaSky]

All I ever wanted was a family, home, husband.

I’ve got a decent job that I enjoy most of the time. I have a nice house, small because it is just me but I like it. I have a few friends and three very very good ones.

I am desperately lonely that I don’t have a family and a husband. I’ve dated over and over, had a couple of long term things many years back, the last year had a horrendous break up with a miscarriage to add to the mix as well. I have now withdrawn totally from that dream and I want to accept my life for what it is.

I am having counselling. I don’t want a child on my own. So I just need to get to a point where desperate sadness for the life I’ve wanted since forever is no longer there. I need help with this? How do I get there? How to I smile at peoples milestones knowing that life is never going to happen for me?

Being proactive and positive minded about things has not led me to that life and it’s almost made me more unhappy. I have plenty of hobbies etc but this has just never happened for me and I so want to learn to accept it rather than cry myself to sleep half the days a week and feel like empty hole that isn’t filled.

Anyone managed this?

I’m sure it is worth it, but some people can’t afford it!

Find something else to love and cherish, like a dog.

Another vote for adoption, it is an option for single people.

I had years of this.

Get a dog - not a dog person, work full time.

Adopt! - would never pass a panel

Get a sperm donor - because everyone has 30k in savings.

This thread won’t get any better OP I’m sorry.

@LondonJax that's a great post.

Practical thinking and making the most of whatever you have at the time.

OP, I agree with others, you need to shake it up a bit. Look long and hard at what your job is, where you live, what you want. It's time for new dreams

OP I'm really sorry you're having a tough time. It's so hard appreciating what you have when you are craving something you haven't got, I think we can all relate to that one way or another when you see what you want around every corner it's even harder. I don't think it's something you can hide from or pretend you didn't ever want, I know you want a magic wand to make those feelings go away (I do too on a different similar matter) but I think it's like grief, you just have to learn to accept it. I agree with the others that I don't think you should be giving up yet, but I also understand you don't want to live your life waiting for something. I have to say I didn't find talking therapy very helpful for me, I am starting to come to terms with my own feelings of "loss", like grief it's good days and bad days, eventually the former outweigh the latter. I have a gratitude diary too to help me take stock of what I do have although I have to be in the right frame of mind for that, and I find writing emails to myself in the future quite stress relieving.

So to summarise, you can't make those feelings go away. Give yourself permission to grieve what you don't have and accept you aren't happy about it, but it doesn't mean you can't be happy in other ways. But also keep your mind open, life has a habit of throwing curveballs!

Hi, I've not read full thread so sorry if already been mentioned. I was in this position a few years ago and found this website from an article I read. I found it very helpful to re-imagine an alternative future for myself gateway-women.com

Hope you feel better soon xx

You sound very depressed OP, please see your GP. If you've already been then go back, there are loads of things they can try.

I'm sure you'll eventually find a life partner and live with him- most people do.

You could then try and conceive naturally, and if need be look into other options. xxx

I don't have children BTW, I had 2 miscarriages in the past which were sad at the time, but now due to my mental health disability I think it was for the best to be free of the stress of children etc.

I went off living with a man after one of my partners was so stroppy and their mood would dominate the house like a dark cloud, and I would walk on eggshells.

Living alone is great- so relaxing and I can do whatever I want, go out when I want etc where people with kids find it hard to have a night out.

I don't have anyone nagging me for sex when I'm not in the mood.

Life could barely be better.

I think you need to see/return to your GP and tell them how you're feeling. Evidence-based treatment, both therapy and medication, would probably make a big difference to how the world seems to you. xxx

Work on creating a vision of what success looks like for you without a husband and family?

What would that involve?

Is it running your own business?

Is it contributing to your community?

Travelling all over the world?

Pursuing a passion or purpose?

Writing a book?

You need to stop looking at the past and turn to the future and how you want your life to be (accepting that a husband and child may not happen for you).

That being said I really don't think you should give up on romantic relationships. Perhaps there is work to do with your counsellor on why you previously picked the wrong people and/or why the relationships failed but there is someone out there for everyone.

There are things I am interested in but nothing as much as a busy family life.

It’s a fact that people end up alone and after so many years that is going to be me. I just wish I could be ok with that rather than constantly feel sad about it

This is also worth watching...

My life is nothing how I wanted ,
I got pregnant dreaming about doing my social work training
,my dc had autism ,and Very violent,
even today at 21 I’m still scared of him
he’s pinned me up against the sink and twisted my arm up my back ..he gets angry in a way I never could .
I had to be a SAHM ,because no secondary school would take him ,so we had tutors at home ..at 21 he’s still doing his Alevels.
And I’m unhappy and sad ,because he will never leave home ,I will never get my life back.
My dd is now living the life I would of loved , I’m happy for her
Some days I sit here and think ..what the fuck happened
Life happens when we are busy making plans

"There are things I am interested in but nothing as much as a busy family life."

OP...your thoughts about what will make you happy are just that...thoughts.

You are in control of your own thoughts. You can decide to think whatever you want about what will make you happy.

The truth is you only actually think a husband and child will make you happy because our society tells us that over and over.

If you'd been raised by wolves (bear with me!) you wouldn't think the same thing because it's not innately true.

If you'd been raised in a society and by a family that told you/implied the main way to happiness was being single you'd want to be single.

Your thoughts control how you feel but the good news is you have complete control over your thoughts.

If you decided to think that writing a book would make you happy and concentrated on thinking and believing that - it would replace your thoughts of a husband and family.

If we can't have what we wanted then there are three choices:

1. Continue to feel depressed and sad and helpless

1. Go all out to get what you say you want

1. Proactively adjust and change what you want.

There are things you haven't done under option 2.

You say you want option 3 but then reply with the statement above. Which means that you're choosing option 1, not 3.

No-one can give you a tip to click your heels 3 times and stop wanting a husband and children.

The closest thing to that is what I've already suggested which is choosing to create an alternative version of what success and happiness will look like for you and then committing to that vision.

I know I need to focus on something else. It is hard. It’s not society either, I am lonely without this. I would rather sleepless nights because of a crying baby than sleepless nights of loneliness. I would rather have marry and divorce than never have married at all.

It’s the lack of the experience of these things that is hard, not the idea that I think it means a perfect life or even a happier life

I'm sure you'll eventually find a life partner and live with him- most people do.

I disagree with this - the majority of my friends are single, including me. I don't know if that's by design .... most of us have dated along the way, some have children and some don't, but that makes a big difference, not being surrounded by people who are in marriages with children. My brother's had three failed marriages, my sister's husband died of MS. I used to think that being in a relationship was fundamentally what I wanted but, during lockdown, I've been so relieved that I'm not in one. I don't know when exactly the feeling changed, but it did.

I'm 50 and have had three proposals since I was 40 - all of which I accepted, thinking that I should be grateful but knowing even as I said yes that it wasn't really what I wanted even thought I thought I ought to want it. OP, to me 36.5 does seem young but it's not a bad mindset to think that it won't happen, because you give yourself a better chance of happiness either way.

It is not too late ..I left my ex at 36 after a very long time and was single with no children. I quickly and unexpectedly met my now husband and now have a 1yr old dd.. you have loads of time yet. My thoughts were always if it happens it happens I tried never to want anything so much that it was detrimental to my current situation. Live and love the life you have you never know what might happen .. good luck

Again though OP - you've asked how you can move past this and I've told you the answer.

So you are choosing to keep returning to option one. You are choosing to continue to feel sad and depressed.

So either

Choose to do everything you can to make it happen - because there are things you could be doing to meet someone that you're not doing.

OR

Choose to redefine what you want from life.

If you do neither of these things you are choosing to be sad. You are making yourself a helpless victim, someone that life happens to and this is the path to depression.

You need to pick yourself up, shake yourself down and do something proactive.

There seems to be an undercurrent that you are lonely and believe a husband and child would fix this.

There are many stories on this very site that confirm that loneliness in a marriage and with children is a reality for many people.

Yes, being a single parent can be challenging but it can also be very rewarding if a child is really what you want.

Many marriages end in divorce. I think you have a very idealised view of what your life could be like.

This is your life and it is precious. You can continue to fixate on what you don't have or look at what you do and reassess - consider other life goals.

I am sorry you are hurting. I think it is important to validate your pain but also work towards moving through it. I dont think that is possible with your current mindset though, although I do understand that is hard to do.

OP I feel for you,I'm alot older than you and my life certainly isn't what I planned. I don't think anyone will offer up a suggestion that you havent thought of and those who say " oh you will meet someone " just dont get it. Nobody knows...it really is so hard ,there have been a few threads like this, you are definitely not the only one x

I’m not choosing to be sad, if it was that simple I would select being happy.

The loneliness...Is it not fair to say that loneliness with a house with each bedroom filled is a different type of loneliness to the silence of a home everyday on your own?

Again I never expected a husband or family to fix anything. It could be challenging in ways I would hate and long for my single life back. But I wanted the chance to know for myself and have that experience. Life is empty without it.

I spent probably £30k trying to have a donor baby, because at the OP’s age and long divorced I knew I wanted children and couldn’t bear to think I hadn’t done everything I could.

I had hardly any savings and blew threw them quickly. I still have credit card debts to juggle, and my baby ultimately came another way, but I don’t regret the money or the crushing heartache because I knew it was the only thing that I wanted in life.

Also: I know people who got pregnant on their first IUI at a mere £1k a pop. I also know people who got pregnant for free using donors off the internet... not the route I would personally choose, but plenty do...

I appreciate OP might want the whole package with a husband too, but I figured I couldn’t control or guarantee that part, and I would have much rather been a single mother than never a mother at all.

native thanks, I so want to stop thinking of this life I always wanted and just keep it out of my mind. Sadly families, holidays, life in general is set up for the family home style of things so it is hard to avoid it

I'm sure you'll eventually find a life partner and live with him- most people do.

I disagree with this - the majority of my friends are single

@Lobsterquadrille2 That doesn't mean that by and large most people don't end up in partnerships- it's objectively true, statistics etc.

You are choosing to continue to feel sad and depressed.

@wheresmymojo People don't tend to choose to be depressed, otherwise hardly anyone would be as it's not a pleasant experience. It's difficult to change negative thought patterns/ruminations, especially if we're depressed.

those who say " oh you will meet someone " just dont get it. Nobody knows

@NativeAustralian I get that no-one can guarantee they're going to meet someone, but it is likely.

@pollyannasky I know you said that you don't wait to have children by yourself but personally I think it's worth considering. I had my daughter solo at 37 and my son at 41 and I'm happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. It's not easy but there isn't a single day that I have a regret. I was in the same position as you at the same age and decided to find my happy, which for me was being a parent.

camsie30 what a lovely post Find your happy. I love that. It is so proactive and takes away from putting all your happiness in the hands of someone else.