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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Earn his good behaviour

36 replies

LostLolipops123 · 18/07/2020 16:37

My husband has been off with me all day and quite rude. It was his birthday yesterday, and my daughter awoke at midnight which stop us having some birthday fun. I think he’s sulking about it, but blaming me.

I have just asked him why he is being so horrible today, and he’s told me Good behaviour from him has to be earnt. He then said he can’t stand to be in the same room as me, and has gone for a shower. I told him he sounded very controlling, the windows are open and he told me to shhh because people might hear.

How does this read to other people? I think I’m shocked

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 18/07/2020 16:40

Reads pretty poorly. I would ask him how you are supposed to control your daughters sleep and say you were going to reciprocate tonight but good behaviour from you has to be earnt too... fight fire with fire

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 18/07/2020 16:52

I will do Louise. He said he didn’t like me, and when I asked why I haven’t done anything to you (I haven’t done anything) he just walked past me and ignored me. It’s all a bit strange

OP posts:
BoggledBudgie · 18/07/2020 17:23

It’s abusive and controlling

PicsInRed · 18/07/2020 17:24

Mine was cheating when he said similar. I think this way he made his vow breaking choices into my fault.

He was also an extremely abusive bastard.

Mylittlepony374 · 18/07/2020 17:25

Wow that's horrible. I'm so sorry for you. No advice as I genuinely don't know how I'd handle that. But he's definitely being a fuckwit.

TigerDater · 18/07/2020 17:31

Is she his daughter too? Strange you say ‘my’ not ‘our’.

I’m sorry OP but telling you that you have to earn his good behaviour (you’re only expecting ordinary civility anyway) is one of the most fucked up things I’ve ever heard. Has he shown controlling behaviour before?

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 18/07/2020 17:38

I always assumed decent behaviour was the default of everybody above toddler (or puberty) age.
Perhaps you should re-evaluate your boundaries.

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 18/07/2020 17:38

He just came down and quite angrily told me he was bathing the children. So I completely blanked him, I’m not going to entertain the continued rudeness. He then said I’m making the situation worse because I won’t engage, he then stomped up to stairs saying “is that how you support your partner f you”
Backstory. He fell out with his awful sisters years ago, and they didn’t message him happy birthday for the first time this year. He’s probably referring to that. Or using it as an excuse for his behaviour. He could fix his family situation but chooses not too so 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Lowprofilename · 18/07/2020 17:47

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Bunnymumy · 18/07/2020 17:49

Why are you playing his game?

I wouldn't stay with someone who told me basic respect had to be earned. Let alone someone who swore at me. Or who treated me with contempt but then turned it round on me when I didnt rise to it.

He isnt a nice person. I wouldn't want to raise my children in a life like this.

You arent not being abused just because you try to ignore it or refuse to engage. It's still abuse and you are still being abused by the very fact that you haven't removed him or yourself from life with him.

notthemum · 18/07/2020 17:57

Wtaf ? Who the hell does he think he is and who does he think he is talking to ?
Good behaviour from him has to be earned ? How old is he ?
I'm afraid if it was me he would be sleeping elsewhere until he learned how he should be behaving with another adult and not behaving like he is about 5.

mbosnz · 18/07/2020 18:00

I'd be telling him he'd better start earning the privilege of still having a partner, immediately. Because his life could be about to get a whole lot more complicated and uncomfortable if he didn't.

Bunnymumy · 18/07/2020 18:02

The thing is though, you cant 'teach' an adult his behaviour isn't ok. Not with obviously not ok behaviour.

All too often we confuse emorional stunting with immaturity. Grown men behaving like ops partner are not immature, they are emotionally stunted. Possibly suffering from a personality disorder like npd.

Because normal, neurotypical people would never speak to someone like that.

There is no fixing it. All you can do is remove them from your life.

Dont get caught in the merry go round of trying to explain why not ok behaviour, is not ok. They know it isnt, they just don't care.

Don't try to fight fire with fire because they will only try to hurt you all the worse. Because you have empathy, you have limits...but they, do not.

Go. Run. Run far. And never look back.

Happynow001 · 18/07/2020 18:08

@LostLolipops123

I have just asked him why he is being so horrible today, and he’s told me Good behaviour from him has to be earnt. He then said he can’t stand to be in the same room as me,

He could fix his family situation but chooses not too so 🤷🏼‍♀️

Oh God. What an UTTER prat!

You are married to someone with quite low emotional intelligence OP. 🌹

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 18/07/2020 18:23

Thank you guys so much. I’m not going to entertain him right now, but I want to have a conversation about what he said to me. Won’t be tonight, I’m too upset. I don’t care what has happened in your life, you don’t treat the closed person to you so badly.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 18/07/2020 18:46

Sorry you're going through this :( But I think the conversation you need to have is with yourself.

Like you said you dont treat people close to you badly. Why? Because decent people who care about someone would never want to hurt them. That's a given. So what kind of person treats ppl the way he treated you? Bad people, that's who.

And why do you think telling a bad person that their behaviour is hurtful will make them stop behaving that way? It wont. Because they meant to hurt you.

Would you tell a playground bully off for being a playground bully?No, what would be the point?
The same thing applies here. He treats you with contempt because he is an asshole.

You need to set boundaries - for yourself. On how you let people treat you. You deserve better. But telling him that is pointless. Tell yourself.

mbosnz · 18/07/2020 18:48

I think Bunnymumy has some really good advice there.

Sunnydayshereatlast · 18/07/2020 18:49

Shame a grown man can't drown in the shower imo...
My exh ruined my 40th with bsi sulking behaviour..
Was an exh by my 41st..
Make his next birthday one without you in it op.

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 19/07/2020 12:12

Update: So he explained last night he was very stressed out and didn’t mean what he said. He was upset with his family situation. I said that is no excuse to treat me so poorly. Went to bed on better terms.
Woken again this morning to him being in an awful mood. Kids outside playing and one of them slipped over. His reaction was so over the top and he became really threatening to my eldest. Standing over her, so I had to get in front of her asking what the hell did he think he was doing, and he walked off. He’s gone off upstairs to the bedroom. He’s starting to make life pretty unbearable now.

OP posts:
StuffThem · 19/07/2020 12:17

It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship, OP. Flowers and that you're kids are on the receiving end of his abuse as well as you.

Is this a complete uncharacteristic one off? Because I doubt it.

LTB.

Original poster
LostLolipops123 · 19/07/2020 12:20

This behaviour does happen around Christmas or his birthday. Every year. I’m noticing a pattern now. I’m starting to not want to spend any time with him, and avoid being in the same space as him.

OP posts:
backseatcookers · 19/07/2020 12:25

Is he their dad?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/07/2020 12:25

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You are in an abusive relationship and the best course of action for you here would be to plan your escape and divorce from this man. The relationship is over in any event now because of his abuses shown towards you and in turn your children.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You have daughters; you would not want them to be in a relationship like this would you?. No you would not. Stop showing them this treatment of you (and in turn them) is currently acceptable to you on some level.

The nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one and is actually part of the abuse cycle.

EKGEMS · 19/07/2020 14:41

For god's sake he's a landmine waiting to be stepped on! He needs to get the hell out and stay out for the safety of your innocent children!

Shizzlestix · 19/07/2020 14:43

I’m not sure I’d want my dc around him if he’s intimidating them. What do you want to do, OP?