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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm so fed up of this crap. Is it acceptable behaviour?

103 replies

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 06:59

H has always been reserved and introverted, likes his own space etc. But lately he is getting worse and worse.

Doesn't seem to want us round the house during the day when he's working and constantly asks if we're off yet or have plans for the day. I lost my job so not even working PT right now.

This morning DS got up early and went over to his side of the bed, touched something like a pair of earphones or whatever. DH screamed 'Noooo!' In the nastiest way. His tone was awful. I said why on earth are you speaking to him this way?! He said he's a cunt waking him up and touching stuff. I said how about me sleeping? He said he should be asleep for another 2 hours because that's how it works. I said so you think you have a right to sleep in until 8am every week day? He said yep, I do. He gives me a lay in on a Sunday but I pay for it

I'm so fed up of H'd behaviour. Won't even come to a Sunday roast at his own families houses and everyone is upset by him turning their offers down constantly.

His moods got worse since starting to smoke weed about a year ago. Now he's doing it a lot and I'm convinced it's making him more Moody. I thought it was suppose to make people more chilled out. He's too chilled out and as a result seems irritated by family life.

OP posts:
WhattheFishappening · 17/07/2020 07:01

He sounds like a waster.
Do you want to be with him?

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 17/07/2020 07:07

I'm like your husband. I need my own space and I get irritated just by people being there... so I decided to live on my own and not have children. Seriously why do so many men do this and then make everyone else suffer because they loathe family life?! Just leave him.

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:09

I love him. But I don't like him very much these days. Once before he said he was going to cut down out of the blue. Never mentioned stopping or cutting down since I don't think.

What's more, he wants to get in shape again and is sick of being overweight. But the weed makes him eat crap and then I'm left hearing him whing about it a lot. It's tiresome. I get some people have trouble with weight etc and that's fine but when he moans he seems very angst by it

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 17/07/2020 07:11

What do you love about him? I would make him leave-the weed is a huge issue for me as it’s causing the issues you describe.

MynameisHappind · 17/07/2020 07:12

You know you need to talk to him and go from there.

CupoTeap · 17/07/2020 07:15

Does he often speak to your ds like that?

Bluntness100 · 17/07/2020 07:16

Is your son his? I can’t get past him calling a child a cunt. How could you love someone like that? Personally I’d end it. No one would call my child a cunt and be still standing.

PaulinePetrovaPosey · 17/07/2020 07:16

You're seriously allowing your child to be called that?

Poor kid.

category12 · 17/07/2020 07:17

Weed is partially the problem - it gives him an excuse to wallow in self-absorption and selfishness and removes any get up and go. The other part of the problem is he's choosing this behaviour. It gets him what he wants.

Of course it's not acceptable.

He needs to shape up or ship out.

TwilightPeace · 17/07/2020 07:20

Does he enhance your life in any way?
You say you love him but don’t like him atm. Does he like or love you?

Jjjjjj1981 · 17/07/2020 07:20

I may be way off OP, but my first thought on reading that was that he may be having an affair. The moody behaviour, wanting to be on his own, the wanting to get in shape. Could it be that your DS was about to touch his phone, that’s why the reaction was so extreme?

Tlollj · 17/07/2020 07:21

He just started smoking weed a year ago? How old is he? He needs to grow up. He definitely shouldn’t be speaking to your child like that, I bet it’s the weed that’s giving him the hump.

FoxtrotOscarPoppet · 17/07/2020 07:21

When I reached the part where he called your child a cunt that was enough for me. Unacceptable behaviour. I’m an introvert and love my own space but this goes beyond that.

If my DH spoke to our child like this then that would be it. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:22

I feel horrendous for having 'stood by' and allowed DS to be called that... He's never called him a cunt before apart from once, ages ago, under his breath. It was a particularly difficult time because we were processing DS probably had ASD and it was tough for him to get to grips with... So I let it go.

The only reason I didn't go over the top this morning is because DS doesn't understand body language or tone of voice well. He giggled and ran away

He's 3 in November and yes he is H's

OP posts:
RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:25

I may be way off OP, but my first thought on reading that was that he may be having an affair. The moody behaviour, wanting to be on his own, the wanting to get in shape. Could it be that your DS was about to touch his phone, that’s why the reaction was so extreme

No. Never really leaves the house beyond going for a walk sometimes or a nip to tesco. No indication that anyone has ever been here. He has never hidden his phone. I've used it before at random and nothing has ever been said

I on the other hand don't like mine being taken in case someone sees my embarrassing Google searches or silly purchases on clothes for DS Blush

OP posts:
category12 · 17/07/2020 07:28

I think you should be really honest with yourself, did you let it go because ds seemed unaffected - or is it because challenging your partner is scary/futile?

Because I'm betting if a stranger called your kid a cunt, you'd be reacting more strongly.

You're normalising and minimising verbal abuse of your child.

What else is going on in your home?

category12 · 17/07/2020 07:30

in case someone sees my embarrassing Google searches or silly purchases

Someone being your partner?

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:31

I didn't just let it go. I asked him why on earth he'd use that language towards our son etc, as I said in my OP. He said about how he was Tring to touch stuff etc. Then I said it again and His response was shut up. I said excuse me?! He said shut up. Shut up. Calm voice. He didn't shout.

I'm not scared of him. He doesn't scare me. He is just miserable. So, so miserable. Nothing frightening about him though

OP posts:
RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:32

category Yes... Other people too. I just don't like my phone being touched. Doesn't mean I've ever cheated though. Although I am aware it's a red flag of course

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 17/07/2020 07:32

Shocker -3 year old is up before 8.

Your H is a twat.

I couldn't/wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who calls our child a cunt.

category12 · 17/07/2020 07:33

But that interaction got you precisely nowhere.

He's not sorry for calling your child a cunt. He doesn't acknowledge how wrong it was or say he'll never do it again. He feels perfectly justified in what he did.

And you presumably shut up.

ThickFast · 17/07/2020 07:36

Not in any way acceptable. I’ve never even though that about my kids, let alone called them it. You have to leave. I’ve never said it to anyone before. But that’s too much.

RadeTheSweets · 17/07/2020 07:36

Incredibly He expected him to be up early. He doesn't expect him to sleep in. What he does expect is for me to get up with him, whatever time that may be.

If I argue that I can't lay in bed until 8 Monday to Friday, his argument is that he's working (from home), and he also gives me a lay in on a Sunday (if I'm there, we often see my family 50 miles away at weekends)

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/07/2020 07:41

He sounds an absolute loser, smokes weed, calls your DS the most horrible word (does he speak like that to you too?) and won't even engage with his own family .... have you got any support? I would make plans to leave him.

notacooldad · 17/07/2020 07:45

So he is unlikely to change anytime soon.
What do you think your next move should be seeing that he calls your son an abusuve name and doesn't care, shuts you up, smokes loads of weed, is really moody with youpresumably in the house you live in, expects you to do the parenting?
Is this the life you want?
It's you that's going to have to change.
I know what I would be doing in your shoes, for the sake of the child.

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