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Original poster

Dating a submariner

91 replies

Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 09:16

Hi Ladies,
I am in a newish relationship with a submariner. So far things are great but I know things will get tougher when he is away. Any tips would be really gratefully received.

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 15/07/2020 09:19

I hope that you are prepared for an influx of smutty puns op! Smile

Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 09:21

Yeah ok I kind of walked into that lol.Wink I know it won't be easy so need to get my brain into gear a bit! Smile

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 15/07/2020 09:23

Keep yourself busy, find loads of jobs and hobbies, and keep in touch with him. Oh and dont send dirty pictures - they share them.

Try and plan things so you're not doing the boring parts of life while he is home. You're only dating, if it works out there will be time enough for doing boring things together later. When does he next go to sea and roughly how long is he away for?

Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 09:30

At the moment he is up north for 2 weeks but then mainly leave until November. Then is looks like it's 4 months at sea. He has explained the keeping in contact but that is quite daunting at the moment.

Thankfully he's not asked for any dirty pics lol bit we are face timing for an hour a day until he is back.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 15/07/2020 10:11

It's known that some men will invent jobs such a "submariner" to excuse long periods of no contact e.g. married men. Submariner is one of the classics iirc.

Are you quite sure he is who he says he is?

Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 10:22

Sadly that can happen but yes he definitely is. I know his fellow submariners and also we are face timing several times a day for the next 2 weeks. I have also been introduced to the family just before he left last week.

OP posts:
Standardy · 15/07/2020 10:27

Personally, from experience, I wouldn't. It almost sounds quite romantic at first, staying in touch via email whilst they are away, but it's crap. It's really lonely, its quite hard to adjust when they are back, and when you have they're off again. If you go on to have a family, it's even worse, you're left to basically do everything, nothing like working and looking after the children alone whilst they're on a run ashore. And you will ALWAYS be second to the job, because they don't have a choice about when they go away etc, as well as deployments they have duty weekends, training etc. Some people can hack it, but in honesty my advice would be to run, not because he is a bad guy (although having lived in Plymouth they all seem to be 'single' weirdly on a night out)- but because unless you really want that lifestyle it's not worth it. It's hard, lonely, and not a choice I'd ever make again.

Standardy · 15/07/2020 10:30

Also, and I don't mean this horribly, but if he is away for a few months soon they like to bank a deployment girlfriend so they have someone to chat to and send them stuff, it's different if you've already been dating for a while and then they go away.

AgentProvocateur · 15/07/2020 10:33

I used to know a submariner, and I’ll never forget the smell! His shoes, wallet, everything that had been on the submarine, had a really distinctive smell that never quite went away.

Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 11:31

Lots for me to think about. We have been together for a little while (dating was probably the wrong phrase) and he is talking about getting a place together. He has suddenly got this November date which almost feels like he trying to rush things to fit in around the navy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 11:33

Yes I have caught the whiff when I first met him!

OP posts:
Standardy · 15/07/2020 11:34

Only you can make the decision OP, it is hard when you really like someone as for some the downsides are worthwhile. But going home to an empty house for months on end is really hard when they're away, especially when your friends have their partners there all of the time and don't understand what it's like. And there's always a big part of their life you'll never be a part of- not in a controlling way, but as you know already it's completely different to civvy life, and it can be quite alienating. That said, if you have a good support network, and are prepared to make sacrifices for his career (because essentially that's what happens), then go for it.

Standardy · 15/07/2020 11:36

I would also say whether in the future you do see yourself having a family would be a big factor, if you don't then really it's only yourself to think about. If you do it can be really hard with children, you are limited in your career because they aren't there to help cover sick days and if you work shifts; but also explaining why daddy is away can be hard. Obviously that might be a way away, but if you're thinking of buying a place I would factor that in.

NannyPear · 15/07/2020 11:37

A family member of mine is a submariner. He had a lovely gf of a year. At the very start of their relationship he was deployed for a couple of months and all was fine and they were able to restart where they left off when he returned. But they broke up on his following deployment a year or so later because she couldn't hack it. It's a tough life for the submariners, and whenever he was in touch with her all she would do was complain about how hard she was finding it when he was away - even though she was at home surrounded by friends and family. Contact always ended in an argument. So while it's normal and expected to express you miss him when he's away, maybe don't tell him how hard you are finding it as it'll undoubtedly be worse for him and he won't be able to do anything to help you! In saying that, I don't think I could hack a DP in the forces either.

unicornsarereal72 · 15/07/2020 11:38

I had a relationship with a sailor. For 14 years. He did more shore time than sea. Just the way it fell for him. We had a family and he went on to work at sea in civilian life. It worked for us. We missed each other and looked forward to seeing each other again. I was very independent and had my own life and friends etc. Although he must of felt like a visitor in his own home at times.

Sadly what worked well for many year was the unmaking for us. The flash super yacht life style was more exciting than real home life and we separated.

And sadly there is a high percentage of unfaithfulness in the forces. And I am sure that my DP pushed the boundaries in the past.

Noidea2114 · 15/07/2020 11:43

My Best friend is married to an ex submarina. He was in the navy for 25 years. When they bought their first home he insisted that all the furniture was screwed to the walls and floor. No cushions or ornaments on the units that could move. All the beds were tightly made. He loosened his rules when he retired.
He laughs now but at the time it was scary to see. How she coped I don't know.

Dozer · 15/07/2020 11:47

Don’t move in with him to suit his work schedule!

If you want DC in future and he intends to remain in this field, would think twice. Could be v hard for you to work if he doesn’t do a share of parenting on week days.

Aebj · 15/07/2020 12:02

I’m married to one. The smell on return is something horrible . Make sure your washing is upto date around the time they are due home. Make sure their clothes go through twice before they even think about taking it out of the machine!!!! Then hang outside. Watches , books etc the smell will linger forever😢🤣
Don’t always expect them to leave and stay out when due to go and return date can also be fluid. Don’t change your plans for them!
We have two children ( teens now) and They have known no different. I don’t change their routine and never tell them when dad is due home.
Don’t expect contact or mail. Be careful about giving bad news while they are away. Keep it till they are home or somewhere they can fly home if need be.
I’ve travelled a lot. It’s great. Even flew with the boys when they were 8 & 10 to Hawaii and had no idea if he would be there when we landed. He was !

Original poster
Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 15:56

Really is a lot for me to think about. One thing I know is we will never have a normal life together. The last few months have been really good but in order to move on we need to have a big chat

OP posts:
TiddyTid · 15/07/2020 16:03

Can someone describe this "smell" please? Grin

TheNavigator · 15/07/2020 16:10

My mum married a submariner. Alchoholism is rife - or was in the 80s & 90s. She is now nursing an aggressive, drink-befuddled wreck. Proceed with caution would be my advice.

Sidge · 15/07/2020 16:11

A relationship with anyone in the Forces is tough, but submariners are a different level of tough. Comms is seriously limited and there can be a lot of secrecy as to their deployments.

You need to be independent, resilient, self sufficient and have a strong network of close friends as you can get very lonely.

Bloops · 15/07/2020 16:41

Really curious to know what the "smell" is like?!?!

aboutbloodytime123 · 15/07/2020 17:47

My DP is a sailor. He went away for 7 months 3 months after we met. He told me about it on our first date but I didn't really think much about it tbh, I didn't even know if we would still be speaking in 3 months time at that stage!

As time went on after he left, he started to feel more like a penfr tothan a boyfriend and I really struggled to feel a connection. I was on the verge of calling it a day. We just about got through it and made a real effort when he got back to build lots of memories and photos together so it felt like we had a relatip history, if you know what I mean. We've been together years now, it's always easier when he's working on shore and nearby. They have a funny idea about what constitutes "nearby" btw. He worked at the opposite end of the country to me for 2 years (before we met) but doesn't consider that time to have been "away"!

Submariners have a tough job but the money is good and they seem to get used to it. I think there's a lot of drinking that goes on down there...

SorrelForbes · 15/07/2020 17:53

DH is a submariner but doesn't go to sea anymore as Submarine 'ship's company' so no more long trips! It's a different ball game is they are based on a running boat as deployments can be anything up to 10 months long. I'm sure you know all that though.

DH does like a drink but says that no one really drinks at sea anymore. The kit is too technical and most crews work 6 hrs on and 6 hrs off so it's impossible to get drunk really!

The smell was worse when they were on diesel boats but it's still horrible!

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