Dating a submariner

[Sweetmummy77]

Hi Ladies,
I am in a newish relationship with a submariner. So far things are great but I know things will get tougher when he is away. Any tips would be really gratefully received.

Another one who wants to know about the smell...

I come from a town that services a submarine base and my dad was a submariner from when I was born until I was 15 (now retired) so my perspective on this is slightly different as it's not a view from a romantic partner. I grew up with a dad who was absent a lot and a mother who seriously struggled without him. Some of my memories from my childhood include having to console my mum who had been counting down the days til he returned only to learn that he was delayed by a month, her giving birth to my brother prematurely and her having to leave me every day with our next door neighbour while she went to visit him in NICU, my dad missing birthdays and christmasses etc...one day when I was drawing a picture of him apparently I had to ask my mum for a photo because I couldn't remember what he looked like (at this point he had been drafted for 9 months in the Falklands War). Its important to remember that peacetime is possibly something you could xope woth but how would you feel if there was another war/cold war? I remember when I started dating, honestly my number one priority was that the guy wasn't in the armed forces. It might be okay for dating If you're okay with that sort of distance (certainly wouldn't be for me...) but if things worked out and you married him/had kids with him then it's pretty awful for everyone involved.

I know two ex-submariners, so my unhelpful contribution is to warn you that donkeys’ years after they last saw the inside of one, they may still bang on about it as if it was yesterday.

Things are v different now but my mum was married to one and it was a very lonely life for her. We got boarding school allowance because of the constant moving around and all shopped off to school at 8/9
My mum didn't work as hard to when moving so often and I think she spent a lot of time quite depressed when I look back on it.

Thank you everyone who has come back to me. A lot to think about. Only time will tell but I have my eyes open. In answer to those asking about the smell. It is a very stale smell of people spending months together with no fresh air and lots of chemicals.

@Icedteaplease I came on here to say the same. My dad was a submariner, when I was age 2 he came in the house and I hid from him because he was a stranger. Mum was practically a single parent, dealing with all problems on her own, without the money worries though. I too can remember her sobbing when yet again he was leaving or not home when expected. I remember she would often be lonely and relied on family members and friends for support. Same as you I would never marry anyone in the forces, it clouded my view.

He was either at sea or leave, so not there or always there, and either could be months at a time. From memory he was away more than home for birthdays and Christmas. When he was due home we were warned that all problems had to be shelved for a few days so that his homecoming was a happy time. I felt my mam shouldered so much responsibility, she was a strong woman, she had to be. Holidays were often when he was at sea as he rarely wanted to go away when he was home.

I know many people work away, abroad etc but it was months not weeks at a time. But they loved each other and when he retired had to get used to a whole new relationship dynamic.

I'm also here for a decent description of the smell.

I just googled for a description of the smell 🤢

“Submarines develop a funk that is a mixture of many things. Combine, the smell of hot grease and hydraulic oil with that of diesel fuel, amine ( used to remove CO2, which smells like ammonia), with the combined sweat of a 100 persons. Mix in the smell of cooking oils, and then layer on top the odor of the sanitary tanks (sewage). The tanks get blown out to sea using compressed air, once the tanks are nearly empty the tanks get vented back into the boat. Add in the smell of rotten eggs and you have unique odor that is a submarine. This smell gets into your skin pores and all your clothes, it is a smell that takes weeks to get rid of. Your clothes never lose that peculiar funk, I had found clothes that I put away years ago that still smell like “boat”.”

To be honest it’s not really selling the submariner idea to me! 🤭

Only tip I will give is that they need time to readjust to the real world when they get back from a long trip. Don't expect a movie style reunion. My ex took 2-3 days before he stopped being irritable/overwhelmed by life outside the sardine can.

Otherwise go for it!

I think I've been very lucky! DH never had any issues adjusting back to life alongside.

A tip about the smell. When they get back, wash everything that they took with them, even its unworn, on at least 40 degrees. The smell won't linger.

Why would it be any different from dating any one else who works away for long periods of time?
Except for this smell apparently!

This thread makes me think about how conditioned women are to make huge sacrifices to be in a relationship. Frankly, the OP's potential life sounds shit and if she has kids, downright intolerable, I cannot imagine a man making similar sacrifices to be in a relationship, when they are in a relationship they expect all the trimmings.

OP, there are millions of men in this country alone. You don't need to make this enormous compromise. The guy might be lovely, but to voluntarily choose a life of enforced loneliness and celibacy is insane. As for raising kids alone, I'm a lone parent and I'd NEVER chose that,

Unless you truly believe this guy would be willing to make the same sacrifices for you (spoiler alert - he won't) I'd run away and find someone land based.

It sounds like a very tough gig on both parties. If
You’ve got a choice, which you have - why build a life of unknowns and loneliness when you could have an easier, more stable parternship?

The smell is less disgusting on nuclear subs apparently 😁

@Grobagsforever I don't think it's particularly a social conditioning thing. Plenty of people, men and women, have jobs or other commitments that you have to work around.

In the case of submariners this type of lifestyle might suit some people. Being away from a partner for longish periods wouldn't/didn't bother me. In fact I enjoyed the apart time as I could live life exactly how I pleased.

Submariners have a hard job but they are generally well rewarded financially and the Navy is getting better at providing support.

I've known three submariners as friends and based on that very small sample size have always considered them to be a different breed. Different even from friends I have had that have served in other areas of the military. Mad as a box of frogs (in a nice way), drink like fish and so chilled in anything resembling a crisis you can be fooled into thinking they really don't get the seriousness of the situation or don't care. They absolutely do, they just don't get stressed like normal people when things go pear-shaped.

@DorisLessingsCat I disagree. Women make enormous sacrifices for relationships that are rarely reciprocated by men.

Did you have children? I think that is the real crux.

Yes, men wouldn’t date a woman with a job like this!

Mine is forces but not navy - he's not even full time he's a reserve but has done a few overseas deployments including 6 months in Afghan. when our DS was small (he was 2.3/4 when DH went away). We spoke when we could and for the middle chunk could video call about once a week. I was so excited to get him home but was really worried that at 3 having not seen his dad for 6 months that DS would be freaked out but he caught sight of DH yelled "Daddy" and launched in for a huge cuddle. DH is a bit "institutionalised" for a week or so when is gets back for example I can't say what do you want for dinner its too much choice after meals being slapped in front of him for months so I have to start with A or B choices. It isn't an easy life and yep cheating is rife (DH can't believe how many people are on to third or fourth marriages) but like dating someone in the police/nursing etc only you can know if it is a life that you are able to handle and whether the person is worth making the inevitable sacrifices for.

@Tlollj

Why would it be any different from dating any one else who works away for long periods of time? Except for this smell apparently!

The Navy, like other forces, are a family but he lives in a very confined space, he lives with two families. They are often incommunicado, unlike many partners working away for long periods. You don't know where they are, you don't know how they are, you don't know when they will be home. I'm sure there are many differences.

@Dozer

Yes, men wouldn’t date a woman with a job like this!

Plenty of female service personnel have relationships.

@Grobagsforever no, it was a boyf in my 20s. But I have been on the other side of this, someone with a ft job with a lot of travel. My DH is a SAHP. I agree we are not the norm but I'd rather be in a great relationship with time away from each other than a shitty one where we see each other every day. So many of the dads who are home all the time still treat women as the default parent while creating more work themselves. It's about the individual and the relationship, not the job.

Yes but @DorisLessingsCat a normal job with travel isn't even close to being uncontactible on a boat for months!

There's no reason for OP to accept this half life. But it's her choice. My point is few men would accept this sort of life but women are conditioned to value themselves and their needs less.

I married one op. He was away three months at a time. Three months on three months off. To be fair it suited me just fine. I just got on with it. You send weekly telegrams with a limited amount of words to them, they can’t contact you back.

Anything you write is read before it’s passed on, as no bad news is given to them when under the water, so if for example someone close gets ill or dies, their relationship ends, they won’t be told till they surface, they even perform surgery on the submarine where required. Your telegram would be redacted or simply not passed on.

When we had our daughter though he put his notice in, as he had been land based and lecturing for a number of years before that and for the first few months of her life, then he was sent back to sea, as it was a five year lecturer role and time was up, and as a tiny tot three months is a long time and she was forgetting him and asking other random men if they would be her dad Ie in the supermarket.🤣

So he put his notice in after the second deployment, when she was eighteen months and was out by the time she was three, as it was an eighteen month notice period. He also went back to lecturing during his notice period and was land based.

For me, I worked, had friends, and was perfectly able to care for our daughter when he was away, and perfectly happy, I also didn’t ask him to come out, it was his idea and decision.

Please ignore those generalising about the personality type of a sub mariner, I’ve clearly met many of them, and there is no one personality type, they are all different, just like in any other job. There is also different levels of seniority and types of job.

Please also remember that just because he is on the subs now, it doesn’t mean he always will be, depending on his role and rank he will have other opportunities, as said my husband lectured for several years. There are many land based roles he could move into unless he’s not very capable and destined to stay a relatively junior non commissioned for ever more or he desires to stay on the subs.

@Sweetmummy77 I’m married to someone in the forces, not a submariner so there are some differences but some similarities. While there are disadvantages and it can be tough there are other parts that are great. I like that I get some time to myself when he is away, doesn’t mean I love him any less but it works for us. I’ve been able to travel to places to see him that I wouldn’t have otherwise. He has a secure well paid job, allowing us to get onto the property ladder young without needing help from parents. He is away a lot but he also has extended periods at home with leave so you do get the time together- it is just more concentrated. Of course there are disadvantages but most of those have been covered. Oh and the smell is pretty bad when they come back from sea on small ships to. Probably not as bad but it does just pong.

What I would say is that take your time with dating- We got married after 8 years together. It did have some consequences when it came to family welfare when he was away but overall I’m glad I took my time as it allowed me to see what life was going to be like with him away for extended periods of time. We talked about how we were going to manage a family/childcare aspect when he was away before having children/being married and came up with a plan that we are both happy with. Both of us made sacrifices.

At the end of the day though I love my husband because of who he is and his job is a small part of him. There is no such thing as a perfect man- you could marry someone who will be home every night at 5, has a predictable job and still end up spending your nights alone or doing most of the childcare, making sacrifices for them. If you are in no rush to start a family then what is the harm in dating him for a while to see if you like and can manage the lifestyle.