Dating a submariner

[Sweetmummy77]

Hi Ladies,
I am in a newish relationship with a submariner. So far things are great but I know things will get tougher when he is away. Any tips would be really gratefully received.

Also agree with @Bluntness100 said re the generalising about personalities. My Granddad was a submariner and they are not all odd. My dad and his sister also had a wonderful relationship with their dad.

Having a partner in the forces is not easy! But you do get used to it . My friends dh is ex navy.
It's easier if you are in a town with lots of forces partners she said, harder when they moved.

@Bluntness100 and she was forgetting him and asking other random men if they would be her dad ie in the supermarket

I did similar, asking uncles if they were my dad. My mum was no doubt in the position of explaining to friends and neighbours that they were actual uncles rather than men she entertained who I called uncle

Fatgirlslimmer yes it’s mortifying when it happens, my husband put his notice in immediately when he came back and heard she had done it though. 😀

Hmm I wouldn't bother if I was you.

DP is navy, so ships not submarines and we had been together 6 years before he joined so we are making it work because we love each other and out relationship is worth the ups and downs of him being away more than half the year but if we didn't have that connection already, I couldn't be bothered with the hassle to be honest.

There are good things about it, don't get me wrong. I'm incredibly proud of him for making such a big change a bit later in life, and the money is good, and when he is home we make the most of our time together but the bad can be really tough. I'm now 5 weeks into a 16 week trip and struggling. No kids to worry about but just feeling isolated and lonely. On previous trips when bad stuff has happened, it's hard without their support and I certainly have to try hard not to imagine him living the life of Riley at sea whilst I pick up all the shit at home.

My father was forces (not submariner), and it put me off military husband for life. Watching the long periods of absence destroy my parents' relationship was awful. I clearly remember walking past him at the airport when I was 3 as I didn't recognise him.

Eventually he retired, but he could never hold down a job outside of the structure and hierarchy of the military. He just couldn't acclimatise to civvy street. My parents are now divorced and my father has an extreme gambling and alcohol problem.

You don't marry the man, you marry the job.

Also, really doesn't help when on threads like these, not just on MN but the Internet in general everyone says that cheating is rife in the military.

I'm sure it is, but I do trust my DP and don't think he is the kind to cheat but it feels like being kicked when you're already down and missing them and the dark side of your brain starts convincing you he's shagging the ship nurse or something.

I never realised there are so many submariners.
But of course there must be. Just didn’t think of it.
Can I ask a really nosy question? How much do they get paid?

Get yourself a really good social life.

My friend dates one, she's sad for about a week when he leaves, the her social life and hobbies kick in, then for about a week after he gets home it's all a bit odd as they both adjust, then it's lovely and he leaves again.

She actually really likes the relationship, but she's never wanted kids, must be difficult with small children

@BittersweetMemories I used to get told that a lot. Particularly by one so called friend- no longer friends but that is another story. She was cheated on by her long term partner who worked a 9-5 job and so wasn’t away with all the opportunities to cheat that my now husband had according to her. My attitude is that someone who wants to cheat will cheat regardless of their job, I trust my husband and to be honest I have more opportunities to cheat than he does when he is away (not that I would). And you do get used to them being away- I don’t know how long your DP has now been in the navy but I have found it easier to manage the deployments and exercises away more as time has gone on. It has probably been even harder with lockdown for you.

How much do they get paid?

That’s like asking how much someone who works in retail gets paid. It depends on rank so goes from low pay for junior rating or officer and then up through the ranks. The pay is publicly available.

www.royalnavy.mod.uk/careers/why-navy/pay

It may have changed, but my mum's vile husband did the full 30 year sign up, so in at 17 and out at 47 with an absolutely stonking pension. So there is that. He would never have had anything like that in any other line of work.

How much they get paid doesn't necessarily seem like a huge amount but the opportunity to spend money and the need to do so it very limited so a much higher proportion of income is disposable but again it will depend in if they have a mortgage/ rent to pay while they are at sea.

I've just read this thread with interest because my other half is a submariner and I'm quite surprised by the amount of negative replies.

Don't give up on him just yet O.P: dating a submariner can be tough but it isn't necessarily the hellish existence that some people are making it out to be. As a previous poster said, you could date someone doing a 9 to 5 and they could be horrible to you. What matters more is what kind of person he is. Looking after children alone etc. is a sacrifice of course, but so is having to be away from them. It certainly isn't a picnic going to sea and leaving your family.

The posts about men in the Navy cheating and submariners being oddballs is a generalisation. It might be true for some, but for a start it is quite hard to cheat (unless you cheat with a man) in a submarine, as there are very few women in the submarine service. The Navy is a stable job too, when there isn't much stability out there at the moment. You can get cheap family housing and build a little community for yourself. Some submariners spend years at a time doing land-based posts anyway.

It's not an easy life but life isn't easy, and his character is more important than his job. I say give it a chance, it might work out or it might not, the lifestyle might suit your it might not, but either way it would be a shame to write him off if he's a nice person and you see potential

Looking after children alone etc. is a sacrifice of course, but so is having to be away from them. It certainly isn't a picnic going to sea and leaving your family.

I don't know, I was surface fleet for years before leaving when pregnant, I actually didn't mind the routine of being at sea and the runs ashore, although thankfully this was before 9 month deployments started creeping in. I found being at home when he was away a lot worse, of course everyone is different, but just because someone else is miserable about things too doesn't make it any easier. People are probably negative because a lot of the time it's painted as being romantic, and can keep in touch and have this wonderful reunion; having been both sides, the reality is often different. Obviously if OP had come on asking something else and everyone was saying how much it sucked that would be weird, but asking for honest opinions it's fair to give them. Again, it's just how you want to live really, for some it works but for many it doesn't, and often whilst one builds their career up, the other finds it hard due to being a trailing spouse or having to take the entire burden of children's sickness etc. Could be worse though, he could be a marine

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes there are quite a few allowances such as GYHP, sea pay etc that add up quite nicely, so on top of your wage you will take home more, although it can varies month to month. Compared to others in the military it is good pay, and accomodation and food are free at sea and heavily subsidised ashore (including married quarters if you opt for that). If you want to buy a house though you pay the normal amount, but there are help to buy schemes so it can be easier to get on the ladder. You also don't need quals for a lot of trades, so for someone who doesn't have any the pay is very good compared to some civvy roles. I don't think any pay is enough really for having little control over your life.

@Standardy I was answering someone else's question on pay not asking.

I couldn’t sign up to parent our children largely on my own. I have a decent career and it has really relied on two parents pulling their weight. I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

Love (NOT!) that OP is being given advice on how to wash her new(ish) boyfriends clothes! it’s 2020. Even submariners can use a washing machine when they have to.

OP don’t even consider washing his bloody clothes.

@Sweetmummy77

At the moment he is up north for 2 weeks but then mainly leave until November. Then is looks like it's 4 months at sea. He has explained the keeping in contact but that is quite daunting at the moment. Thankfully he's not asked for any dirty pics lol bit we are face timing for an hour a day until he is back.

Why are you 'thankful' this person hasn't asked you for bloody nude photos of yourself that could get all over the internet forevermore? Why are your standards so low? For real? I'd DUMP anyone who asked for 'dirty' pics, that shit could sabotage your entire career and will be there for all and sundry to see for all eternity.

I’d say it’s fine while you’re just in the dating stage, you have your own life, friends, work, friends etc but once you want to live together and have DC it gets hard. EXp was navy and away 3-6 months at a time. The longest he was ever home for one stretch was one 7 week period. Other than that it was weekends and maybe a week here and there. He went on a 6 month deployment when our second baby was 11 days old (other DC was 3 years old so it was pretty tough for me). When he was able to get in touch it was often hard to talk as DC needed attention or I was just exhausted and couldn’t hold a proper conversation. It really took its toll on the relationship. When he was home he didn’t know our routine and we had loads of rows about him not helping. His position was he didn’t know what needed to be done as he is never here. He was also very used to spending his downtime as he pleased and would take off to the gym or to see mates without even thinking I might like a break. That’s probably more to do with who he is than the navy life tbh.

I would not be volunteering to do his washing. FFS. My DD is in the Forces, comes home and does her own bloody wash without someone prompting her because it smells fusty. He's an adult, don't mollycoddle.

If you want DC and he wants to continue in this role would avoid: you’ll have much better options.

Am biased as like some PP had a parent in the military and when dating always avoided men in / wanting to join the forces!

“ Don't give up on him“ is something often said to women. IMO far better for OP to consider whether a set up like this is what she wants, and if it’s not, stop dating him.

Vast majority of men - wanting DC, different if people don’t - simply wouldn’t date a woman with this kind of role. Knowing that they would be sole parenting for a chunk of the year.

OP will have plenty of other options likely to be better for her.

Men with 9-5 jobs with no travel can or course be crap partners/fathers. But with this man there is already a known, huge drawback - unless he has firm plans to leave before getting serious in a relationship.

Why would you even consider this?

Small step I’m assuming your ex wasn’t a submariner, he was on the ships? Because you don’t go away for six months on subs nor can you call home, and time between deployments is longer than seven weeks.