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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a submariner

91 replies

Sweetmummy77 · 15/07/2020 09:16

Hi Ladies,
I am in a newish relationship with a submariner. So far things are great but I know things will get tougher when he is away. Any tips would be really gratefully received.

OP posts:

Bluebellpainting · 17/07/2020 08:16

@wildnightswildnights Yes there seems to be a lot of negative replies, but seems a few saying that they wouldn’t/couldn’t based on an idea that you would end up doing most of the childcare or that it is lonely. Some of those people not liking the idea but haven’t actually experienced it. Of course those who have experienced it and wouldn’t recommend it but that is the same for anything really. Glad you were able to share some experience to as mine is limited to being of the surface fleet.

The other thing to take into account OP is how long he has left on his career- it varies but around 20 years is standard for non officer route so that is a factor. He could be leaving in his early 40s with his full own pension (they can’t draw it until they are older) but basically he may not be in the navy for the bulk of his working life. They do not spend their whole career at sea- there are shore based roles. And the amount you see them can also be based on where you as a family want to live. You can live near their base port and when they are alongside they can come home most evenings like any other role- not sure how this works with submarines but this is what my OH did last time he was based on ship.

Currently my husband is shore based. He goes away frequently in this role for short periods of time (anywhere from a week to 6 weeks). When he is home he does equal amount of parenting, if not more to give me a break, and if the routine has changed, as it often does with a baby, he gets on and learns it. So I would say that it is more the personality of the person that would determine how hands on they are when they are home. Being away so not knowing the routine just seems to be a convenient excuse for some. And I still stand by the fact you can be with someone with a 9-5 job and still end up doing the bulk of the parenting. You only have to look at the endless threads in AIBU to see that.

OP only you know yourself and know his personality. The life isn’t for everyone and there are of course some relationships that don’t work out and the partner being in the armed forces is a factor but I doubt it is the sole reason. Just like any walk of life you get good guys and bad guys to- seems a shame to write a potentially very lovely man off early on because of his job which a- may change in the future or b- you may find that the lifestyle suits you. Again OP only you know yourself and him, and how much time you want to invest in a relationship to see if it works- which is true of any relationship.

Smallsteps88 · 17/07/2020 11:39

Small step I’m assuming your ex wasn’t a submariner, he was on the ships? Because you don’t go away for six months on subs nor can you call home, and time between deployments is longer than seven weeks.

Yes, on the ships. He floated (ha!) the idea of becoming a submariner but I vetoed it.

Onalake · 17/07/2020 12:49

My exh was in the forces. I can't say it wasn't difficult at times, but I was in married quarters and we were all in the same boat, so to speak. Before we married was more difficult as people in civvy street didn't understand what it was like and how lonely it could be to have a partner who was away a lot. Once in mq's it was easier. Everyone looked out for each other and there was fantastic support.

One difficulty we experienced was that while exh was away he didn't necessarily want to hear that the car had a puncture, or should I or shouldn't I take the dog to the vets, so became pretty much self sufficient. However, when exh came home I had to let him change lightbulbs and flat tyres so as to not make him feel like an outsider in his own home.

I made lifelong friends as a military wife, and still miss it.

The life is for some and not others, only time can tell.

Onalake · 17/07/2020 12:54

@Grobagsforever

This thread makes me think about how conditioned women are to make huge sacrifices to be in a relationship. Frankly, the OP's potential life sounds shit and if she has kids, downright intolerable, I cannot imagine a man making similar sacrifices to be in a relationship, when they are in a relationship they expect all the trimmings.

OP, there are millions of men in this country alone. You don't need to make this enormous compromise. The guy might be lovely, but to voluntarily choose a life of enforced loneliness and celibacy is insane. As for raising kids alone, I'm a lone parent and I'd NEVER chose that,

Unless you truly believe this guy would be willing to make the same sacrifices for you (spoiler alert - he won't) I'd run away and find someone land based.

Wow! How many people in the forces do you know? How many females in the forces do you know? I currently have a friend on detachment for 5 months. A female. Her husband is home looking after the children. I have known many females in the forces whose husbands have looked after the home and children while their wives are away.

Dozer · 17/07/2020 16:18

The proportion of couples with DC where the role is reversed is tiny.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 17/07/2020 16:48

I'd have to have a really strong connection with someone to do it and tbh probably not even then. My ex was in the army and I didn't want to have children with an absent parent. Plus cheating is rife.

maybe don't tell him how hard you are finding it as it'll undoubtedly be worse for him and he won't be able to do anything to help you I don't agree. I've worked away in similar situations pre children and for me leaving was so much easier than being left. And I don't agree with not sharing with your partner if you ar struggling one day. It smacks of "women don't burden men with your feelings". Good relationships have plenty of room for talking about your feelings.

Smallsteps88 · 17/07/2020 16:57

Yeah, tbh it would need to be a really special person for me to consider even dating another forces person.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2020 00:26

maybe don't tell him how hard you are finding it as it'll undoubtedly be worse for him
Totally disagree it would be worse for him. He’s living his usual work life with downtime with mates.

Porcupineinwaiting · 18/07/2020 00:47

@Grobagsforever its interesting that you see the woman in this sort of situation as the one making the sacrifice. I would say the man - supporting a wife and children he rarely sees.

Crunched · 18/07/2020 01:24

I know two ex-submariners, so my unhelpful contribution is to warn you that donkeys’ years after they last saw the inside of one, they may still bang on about it as if it was yesterday.
this ^ sums up the submariner I know. I have known him and his DW for 30 years and my friend, his DW, often talks about how she enjoyed her time in 'Pompey' as a young mum, and we had great times visiting them.

timeisnotaline · 18/07/2020 05:27

its interesting that you see the woman in this sort of situation as the one making the sacrifice. I would say the man - supporting a wife and children he rarely sees
Really?? The man is doing his usual work with downtime hanging out with mates and gets a wife and children minus the daily grind. The wife is sole parenting and keeping the house and if she works balancing it like she’s a single parent - incredibly difficult. It doesn’t sound like many of them come home and take over the school run and let her focus on her career for a 6 week stretch. The wife (Or the partner at home) absolutely has the shitty end of these deals. I would never sign up to that.

Dozer · 18/07/2020 07:16

porcupine I think it depends whether you’re thinking about financial/economic impacts, or emotional / relationship ones.

IMO the financial/economic sacrifice is made by the parent staying at home, since - unless there is extensive family support with childcare - a partner working away limits work options for the one doing all the parenting and domestic work at those times. The parent working away keeps the job of their choice, pay, earning capacity in the labour market, AND geta to be a parent.

BittersweetMemories · 18/07/2020 10:59

@timeisnotaline

its interesting that you see the woman in this sort of situation as the one making the sacrifice. I would say the man - supporting a wife and children he rarely sees Really?? The man is doing his usual work with downtime hanging out with mates and gets a wife and children minus the daily grind. The wife is sole parenting and keeping the house and if she works balancing it like she’s a single parent - incredibly difficult. It doesn’t sound like many of them come home and take over the school run and let her focus on her career for a 6 week stretch. The wife (Or the partner at home) absolutely has the shitty end of these deals. I would never sign up to that.

This!

Everyone makes out like military personnel are so brave and it must be so hard for them and, if we ever go to war again, then yes, fair enough.

But my DP plods about doing basically what he was doing before he joined the Navy, 3 breaks a day 9 - 5, 3 cooked meals and the on ship pub afterwards most days. They have quizzes and performances on ever other week. The only thing he has to do other than his job is his washing (and that's only anything that isn't his uniform!) and make sure his room is clean for weekly inspection.

Meanwhile I still have a full time job and everything else with home life to deal with without a day off so I know who I think has it harder.

Standardy · 18/07/2020 11:22

its interesting that you see the woman in this sort of situation as the one making the sacrifice. I would say the man - supporting a wife and children he rarely sees

Ah yes, man go make money, woman sit at home. Or perhaps if we travel back into this century, couldn't disagree with this more.

Bluebellpainting · 18/07/2020 11:36

@BittersweetMemories but not all woman want to work full time or be career focused. Some want the type of life that it brings. Not all have had to make sacrifices for their partners career either. Some of it depends on whether you live near your parters base so they can come home during the week when they are not away, or what branch they are in as it isn’t all being on ship. My husband has spent about a third of his career in shore postings due to the nature of his branch. I haven’t done anything that I haven’t wanted to do with regards to my career. He on the other hand has made sacrifices when choosing preferences for a draft based on what is best for me.
I don’t think it is a case of the women always making sacrifices or having it harder. It is tough for both parties in different ways. I don’t think my husband lives the life of Riley when he is away either- tbh it sounds pretty awful when they are not alongside.

Devilishpyjamas · 18/07/2020 13:33

My dad was a submariner.

My mum worked (as a nurse, in the 70's and 80's). They are still very happily married.

My dad hated being on subs (took the job as it paid more).

The smell conversation has taken me back to my childhood although he was on nuclear subs. He had a wool navy jumper which really held the sub smell

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