Anyone else have a poor relationship with their DM?

[LAwonder]

It’s complicated. She has narcissistic traits, probably because her own childhood wasn’t great. My childhood wasn’t awful, no abuse, but looking back I always felt upset. DM is very self absorbed, thinks she can say and do what she likes and no one is allowed to react. I pushed against that and now we’re NC.

I don’t really see any alternatives. She won’t change. So either I sacrifice my sanity and mental health or we stay how we are.

I wish I had a close loving relationship with her. I wish I could tell her all the little things about the DC, about me, about our life. I wish I could invite her in to share some of it with us. But honestly, keeping her at a distance feels like the healthiest thing for me.

I’ve been on stately homes threads on and off for years. I’ve had therapy. I understand FOG, I understand grieving for things you didn’t have abd overall I am now used to this situation, but once in a while I just feel a bit lost and a bit sad about it all that this might be it. I think the damage to our relationship is so concrete now, I’m not sure we could ever go back (and back to what anyway??).

It’s been 2 years of LC then NC. I never planned to write her off, I don’t want to write her off. And NC forever just seems shit. But the alternative feels futile too.

Sounds like you have a good strategy there @IrisAtwood, though I’m sorry you find yourself in a similar place.

For the immediate moment I know NC is the best thing for my mental health. It’s the long term that I worry about. I can’t get my head around the fact that this is probably it now.

I think I believe that I do care about her (then I hear her saying actions speak louder than words )... so maybe if I did truly care, I’d be doing something/more to repair things... so maybe the reality is that I don’t care as much as I thought.

I try to think through Getting The Call. If she was taken ill or died, how would I feel? What would I do? I would feel hypocritical running to her deathbed... but wouldn’t it be kinder to just tell her the things she wants to know and let her die believing that (you were a good mum, we love you, I know you love us, I’m sorry we wasted time not talking) regardless of whether it’s true or not?Would I regret these years of NC? Would I feel relieved?? It’s not hoping for some kind of deathbed reconciliation but more giving myself peace somehow. Maybe that’s totally selfish...

I guess I won’t know until if/when that time ever comes.