Does your DP pay for everything?

[Intertwinedroses]

I am reflecting on a relationship I have just left, I am not ready to accept it's over yet, we are still talking.

Since day one, for four years he paid for everything.
Dinner, days out, Sky TV, furniture, shopping, spending money, he got a second credit card for me, you get the idea.
He earns double what I earn. I paid half rent and my own personal outgoings like phone and gym. He always said he wants me to have my own money to spend on myself.

At the time it felt normal for him to always get his card out but now that I've stepped back, I'm thinking that him paying for everything had a negative effect on the relationship. I mean, for him and myself individually.
Am I over thinking this? Has anyone got any experience with this?

DP earns far more than what I earn (I earn buttons 😂).

We don’t live together so I pay for my own expenses and he his.

He pays for expensive meals out but I’ll get drinks or if we are having a take away for eg.

I was straight with him form the beginning that him paying for everything was not going to be happening.

No; I have a bf and we each pay our way. When I was married, we both put our money together.
Did your bf suggest that? Seems very old-fashioned and a bit "sugar daddy".

The "spending money" part especially.

My DP earns far more than I will ever earn, so he pays for a lot more household bills. We have no kids and aren't married yet.

I pay half of the mortgage, and half of our weekly food bills, half of holidays.

He pays for all utility bills, council tax, put a greater sum down for house deposit, pays for large household appliances, netflix etc.

He likes me to have my own spending money as I don't earn a great deal and I am very thankful for that. We keep our finances seperate at the moment, but are very open about it, we will probably pool it more once we are married.

OP, I don't think your situation is that unusual, aslong as your DP was totally happy to spend more, and didn't bring it up in any arguments to have power over you I think it is fine.

I've had short term BF's that may try that.
But if they pay for the meal then I insist on getting the drinks afterwards.
If they pay for meals more than 3 times, I've literally had to threaten to not see them again unless I can get the next one.
Some men are like this but I'd not be too comfortable with someone paying for everything and having access to their money via a bank card.
No way!

I'm married, and have been a SAHM for nearly 5 years, so DH pays for everything. Works for us 🤷🏻‍♀️. Once ds is in school full time, I'll look to getting a job for my own sanity. We're both happy with the different contributions we make.

Yes, he does at the moment. My business had to close due to COVID whereas he continued to work and earn several thousand per month, so it only made sense.

He currently pays the mortgage, our bills and our food. My business is back open now though my earnings are still low - at the moment, I cover all the pet-related costs (food and insurance for all four animals), the internet bill, plus my phone and car costs.

I don't have direct access to his bank account, he just pays all the bills directly. But I have plenty of money of my own and if I needed money he'd give it to me.

Ahahahahaha! Nope. I'm the higher earner in our household.

I wouldn't be happy with that. Fair enough if you're living apart, but if you live together then you should be proportionately splitting household expenses, perhaps with some "luxuries" like TV sports package being paid by the person who wants them. But utilities, rent/mortgage, food IMO should be split, proportionate to your salaries. So if the bills altogether come to £1000 a month, Partner A earns 50k/year and Partner B earns 25k/year, then A pays £667 and B pays £333 per month.

I think otherwise, and especially with the "spending money" thing, you're introducing elements of control and obligation. Not a good thing in any relationship.

If you're not working because you are caring for your shared child, or have an agreement that you will be a full-time housewife, then it's a different situation to when you are just gf and bf (at the start of OP's relationship), or when you live together, no kids, both working.

I knew a man who did that - and I wasn't even his girlfriend. The thing is, he had about 10x more money than I did and in his head, he didn't mind spending it on me. What I've come to realise about him subsequently is that while he was a genuinely nice guy, he was also deeply old fashioned. He and his wife are very happy and have 3 beautiful kids but the dynamic is definitely that he is the head of the household and the rest rotate around him. He's attentive, kind, generous and loving. But I couldn't live like that personally.

Having said that, it works for them. And she's certainly not subjugated or in a situation where she feels like she has no control or autonomy. So [shrug]

Do you think he was controlling by paying for everything? Did you ask for things to change during the relationship?

It's only controlling if he used the fact he paid for everything as a way for you to "owe" him something. If he didn't and he saw you as equals then he's just a good man ( my husband has paid for everything at various stages of our relationship and it never changed the status quo).

No we have separate money ( no kids) both pay our way equally and treat each other when it suits us.

Before DS came along our earnings were similar so we halved everything (for the most part but not forensically) then when I went on maternity leave and went down to SMP he took over all bills (except phone) and I would pay for the odd treat here and there.

Now I work PT and he's had a couple of promotions so earns 4 times what I do. Everything (except my phone bill) is paid for by him and most of my salary goes to my savings account which will be our deposit for a house if we can ever afford to buy in London.

Men get paid more, given more, and inherit more.

Spot my point.

Hmm... no. It was very equal in the early days, and now it's probably slightly more me as I earn more, but we're pretty equal still. It's "our" money now, though.

But, I do like to pay for things. When I can afford to, I'm the person who likes to show people affection by paying... I've bought friends coffee, lunches, dinners, presents... I like that. But in relationships, it needs to be more equal in the early days. It just needs to be.

My dh pays for more dinners when we go out, not that we've obviously done that lately but we pay for food, bills, mortgage all jointly. He earns about 10k more than me.

Are you unhappy with the arrangement you have op?

In the average relationship you would've paid a reasonable amount towards utilities etc according to your income. After all, if you lived alone you'dve had to pay that anyway.

If he's dodgy in other ways I imagine it might've been to make you be more dependent, 'bribe' you to be in the relationship, make you feel you owe in stuff, highlight that he's supposedly superior to you, make you feel less confident if you werr to go it alone etc.

Other PP's- OP is earning. Obviously if you are a SAHM or your business is in trouble etc a partner should support you.

I saw a bloke once who insisted that he pay for a meal. I was uncomfortable but solely/mainly because of how he refused to take no for an answer, regardless of my wishes. I wouldn't accept refusing to go dutch from anyone again at first. If you've been on a couple of dates and it becomes you pay for one, date pays for the next etc that's ok. And yes I'd say if someone's buying the meal I'd pay for the drinks. He even moaned at the cost of the (not particularly expensive) meal at the end.

If a long term partner earns a lot more, then I think it reasonable for him to pay for more of the meals out etc, esp. if it's at more expensive places.

The action of paying for something does not , on its own, indicate controlling behaviour.

The OP hasn't said if she tried to pay for anything at any stage of the relationship. So he could equally be saying " she never offered to pay and looking back it damaged the relationship".

I'm obviously surmising as there isn't information either way.

Relationships are about give and take. It's only control if you see what you "give" as a way for you to leverage something out of the relationship that isn't yours to "take". If you give something freely and without expecting reimbursement then that is kindness.

So if his aim was to make her beholden then that would be controlling but she hasn't said that.

Men get paid more, given more, and inherit more.

That’s not at all true in my relationship

We pay proportionate to our earnings. So eg for years I used to earn 100% more than my husband, so I'd have paid double the monetary amount of bills. We have a joint account for bills and joint expenses, then separate accounts for whatever we feel like doing.

Supersimkin2 Why would men inherit more?

Genuine question .I mean its not 1930! Surely most inheritances are split equally between Brothers and Sisters nowadays?

@dottiedodah I always thought that as well and it's the way things are done in my family but my DH is set to inherit everything from both parents who have left nothing for SILs.

I also know of other families who leave everything to the eldest boy. It's old fashioned but it is still happening now unfortunately.