Does your DP pay for everything?

[Intertwinedroses]

I am reflecting on a relationship I have just left, I am not ready to accept it's over yet, we are still talking.

Since day one, for four years he paid for everything.
Dinner, days out, Sky TV, furniture, shopping, spending money, he got a second credit card for me, you get the idea.
He earns double what I earn. I paid half rent and my own personal outgoings like phone and gym. He always said he wants me to have my own money to spend on myself.

At the time it felt normal for him to always get his card out but now that I've stepped back, I'm thinking that him paying for everything had a negative effect on the relationship. I mean, for him and myself individually.
Am I over thinking this? Has anyone got any experience with this?

My DP earns a lot more than i do. He pays the mortgage (joint names) and i pay most of the household bills.
He generally pays for holidays, big ticket items etc and I pay for kids extras and days out.
work well for us as both have some disposable income left for ourselves

I'm married and a sahm, so yes dh pays for everything. However since we got married he's a firm believer in it's our money, not his. I don't have spending money or anything like that, as he gives me access to his bank/credit cards.
Before we had our dd and I was working, he tended to pay for date nights and trips etc as he had a higher wage, but if I wanted something for myself I would use my own money.

Paying proportionally is the way to do it when in a settled relationship. Before then you should pay your way. Personally I think making someone pay for everything is unpleasant behaviour.

I earn more than my husband, previously he earned more than me. If I was single again and dating and met a man who wanted me to pay for everything because I earned double I’d be out of there.

So yes, it may have negatively impacted the relationship op.

Since day one, for four years he paid for everything.
Dinner, days out, Sky TV, furniture, shopping, spending money, he got a second credit card for me, you get the ide

Exactly the same for us, only the other way round. I pay for everything. Dh has spending money.

Works for us.

Why did you let him??
Fair enough if he pays more then you because he makes double. But you still had a job. An income. So you could have offered to pay. Many times.

especially considering he was your partner not your husband. (and even then it shouldn't be that way)

I'm struggling with this currently. Dp (after tax) earns 5-6x me. His bonus was close to my annual pay. I'm insisting on paying half the mortgage when we buy, and I pay for my phone, clothes, allowances for my kids (university) and presents for my family but out together he pays, and he pays the bills. In ops case incomes are closer but still it's not easy.

My husband retired early 5 years ago. I still work full time and pay for everything.

Works for us.
He worked for 40 years, most weeks he worked 7 days, so I am happy to bear the cost of everything now!

Uh, no. Dh and I have always shared expenses, depending on who had more money at the time or whose thing it was to purchase. For example, food shop for my house when we were dating and not living together, I'd probably buy it, but he might get some drinks or buy his own things he wants. Or sometimes I'd just pay it all to keep things simple. Going out, we both paid for drinks and meals for each other depending on the occasion and who wanted to treat who. Sometimes one of us would pay for mostly everything because we were earning more at the time (we met as students so sometimes one of us was working lots and the other wasn't and vice versa).

I see this dynamic in my mum and stepdad though. He probably technically makes more of the money (though they both have very good pensions), but she does all the 'buying'. It's a weird power thing, I think. It sets up a bit of a parent-child dynamic in the relationship.

I have never offered to pay for anything. He made it clear from the start he wants to pay for everything because he's a higher earner.
When we first got together, I was in debt. He found out and immediately sent me a chunk of money to get out of it and said he never wants to see me in debt again. He often asks me "Are okay for money?"^^ I don't have a debt issues anymore, I have managed to get some savings from changing my spending.

I do think the whole dynamic was wrong because I became reliant on him. I would never taken a purse out. Just before I left him, he was going to pay for me to go to Uni so I can further my career. Since I left I have paid for a course myself which has eaten into my savings but I almost feel a bit more independent.

When I was dating I would take it in turns to pay. Him first date, me second. The person paying chose the venue.

Now I’m a SAHM so DH pays for everything but once I return to work all wages will go back into the same pot. We keep our savings in our own names but they’re essentially ‘ours’ too.

I wouldn’t like the arrangement you had unless I was married and there was a reason I wasn’t contributing equally, like on Mat leave. I would feel somewhat indebted to them.

We are fully pooled, with equal amounts of "personal" money out of the joint pot, although obviously that won't suit every situation. I think for earlier stages of a relationship, when you live separately or perhaps are cohabiting but don't have DC, it makes sense to pay your own bills and alternate treat stuff, or to pay core bills proportional to income e.g. if one party earns double the other, they contribute 2/3 of all core bills. I wouldn't like having someone "pay for everything", at all - I wouldn't like the implication of dependence or indulgence and the tacit expectation that something was "owed" or "paid" in return. It's easy to say that a good person wouldn't want anything back, and a lot harder to escape that dynamic in practice. At the very least the generous party almost certainly wants to see a particular kind of gratitude and appreciation from the "treated" one.

There's a passage in The House of Mirth I'm thinking about right now, talking about how Lily Bart, who is dependent on her wealthy aunt, would have preferred a fixed allowance, but her aunt prefers to give generous financial presents, and "was perhaps shrewd enough to perceive that such a method of giving kept alive in her niece a salutary sense of dependence".

No, before we loved together we each paid our own way for things unless they were gifts such as birthdays. Once we moved in, we put a portion of our money together for bills, mortgage, groceries ect. Your ex seems very "sugar daddy"

I've a friend who got remarried to a wealthy guy and he pays for everything apart from clothes for her kids. She no longer works. I think she has left herself in an incredibly vulnerable position as she is totally dependent on him for everything.

Op who ended the relationship?

@Intertwinedroses

But I don't understand why him paying for things made you reliant on him? It would only have made you reliant if your capacity to earn money was limited by him in some way.

In fact as he was allowing you to keep your own money for yourself, it could be argued he was making you more independent, not less.

It sounds more like he got you used to a lifestyle that you cannot afford anymore and resent the changes due to new independence. It's not nice but it's not anyone's fault.

XP would never offer to pay. We'd started out fairly equal, but he HATED spending money, so if it was 'his' date it would be a walk past every cafe with him complaining about how much coffee and a bun cost. So if I wanted a cup of coffee I had to pay. And, of course, I would always offer him one too.

We fell into a pattern. He would step back as soon as it came top paying (even if he'd put stuff in the basket).

I eventually felt resentful. We earned about the same, but he was far better off than me due to living at home until he was 45 and saving all that time.

I wouldn’t like that. I like to choose and pay for stuff as and when I feel like it. It would make me feel vulnerable.

Did you feel like you were his pet or his partner?
That might answer your question

[quote LessCumbersome]@Intertwinedroses

But I don't understand why him paying for things made you reliant on him? It would only have made you reliant if your capacity to earn money was limited by him in some way.

In fact as he was allowing you to keep your own money for yourself, it could be argued he was making you more independent, not less.

It sounds more like he got you used to a lifestyle that you cannot afford anymore and resent the changes due to new independence. It's not nice but it's not anyone's fault.[/quote]
I think you've answered your own question there. Someone who pays for everything makes you dependent by accustoming you to a standard of living and background of wealth that you have no true stake in or ability to maintain on your own. And we are all hugely loss aversive; once you've got something like that it's going to be painful to give it up, even if you would have been perfectly happy never having it.

I earn well over double what DH does. We have a joint account but as he has no interest in finances I manage them. I always pay when we're out including for my birthday as it all comes out of the same account. He has a wonderful standard of living but I don't resent it as he is a brilliant husband and father.

Does that make me an old fashioned woman or independent or controlling? I really don't give a shit what anyone else thinks.

My husband earns over 6 times what I earn. Yes he pays for everything now including DD’s phone and car insurance. What I earn is ‘fun money’ to pay for Christmas, birthdays, clothes, holidays etc. We have 3 children and I work 20 hours a week, it wasn’t always like that, in the early days it was more 50/50 and I even put majority up for deposit and renovation on our first home but earning potential has reduced with flexible working, although it does save us a fortune on childcare for our 2 little ones.

I was very independent when we met and it can get me a bit meh sometimes when I see his career flying and wish I could contribute more, we’ve spoke about this and he is happy. He likes me being at home more and says his career benefits as he has flexibility to be on call, work away etc, he says it’s our money and it all goes towards benefitting the family. Yes it might be a bit old fashioned now but it works for us, everything we’ve got we built together and it’s just been a natural progression. What works for some people might not suit others.

Did your ex ever complain or did you get any red flags?

Since we first met we have had two shared accounts, one for bills one for food shopping. Both our wages go in the bills account, we then put the same amount of 'spending money' in our personal accounts and some money in the food shopping account. If we want to buy anything for ourselves we take it out of our personal account. Anything we do together (meals, cinema, days out) comes out of our joint account.

I don't understand couples who don't pool their money, if you are together then whats mine is yours.

Of course not.

I'm the high earner, I'm pleased to say. You can't beat the feeling of pride and self esteem that comes from making your own way in the world and not being dependent on some bloke.

no, no one I've ever been with has paid for everything. I wouldn't want it to happen, although I like to be treated now and again.

Assuming he didn't coerce you into that situation, why did you allow that to happen OP? Did you never feel like you should pay your way?