Does your DP pay for everything?

[Intertwinedroses]

I am reflecting on a relationship I have just left, I am not ready to accept it's over yet, we are still talking.

Since day one, for four years he paid for everything.
Dinner, days out, Sky TV, furniture, shopping, spending money, he got a second credit card for me, you get the idea.
He earns double what I earn. I paid half rent and my own personal outgoings like phone and gym. He always said he wants me to have my own money to spend on myself.

At the time it felt normal for him to always get his card out but now that I've stepped back, I'm thinking that him paying for everything had a negative effect on the relationship. I mean, for him and myself individually.
Am I over thinking this? Has anyone got any experience with this?

I earn well over double what DH does. We have a joint account but as he has no interest in finances I manage them. I always pay when we're out including for my birthday as it all comes out of the same account.

I'd call that you both "paying" then, or rather paying out of the jointly earned funds, even if it might be you that physically proffers the bank card. I doubt there are many couples where both earn exactly the same all the way through life, but if you are paying for things out of pooled income earned by both people, I think it's you both paying and contributing. Someone paying for everything out of their own salary/funds is a bit different.

@SeagoingSexpot

You could say wealthy parents give their children a certain lifestyle that they may not be able to afford when they grow up. You wouldn't critisise the parents for giving this lifestyle in the first place.

And being reliant is different to having certain expectations. We all benefit from the relationships we are in, ( as a comparison) we don't get to say to an ex "but I relied on your hugs", and complain about getting them in the first place as that made you reliant.

The OP is an adult and has to change to adapt to her environment. Like we all do.

I think it can be difficult if there are large discrepancies in income, especially if there aren't children involved (and so less of a driver for pooled income to enable a SAHP for example).

DP earns 10x what I do, and is incredibly generous. Paying for anything when he is around is a matter of grabbing the bill when he's not looking. But I do sometimes, and I buy drinks, if he gets dinner.

He's used to his lifestyle -which has for years included a lot of theatre, music, eating out and nice holidays - and as far as he's concerned he wants to share it with me. And he knows that if he wants to go to a £400 a night hotel, I can't split that, but he doesn't mind (well we decide together where we want to go).

We don't live together yet though.

You could say wealthy parents give their children a certain lifestyle that they may not be able to afford when they grow up. You wouldn't critisise the parents for giving this lifestyle in the first place.

Lots of self-made wealthy people actually do really struggle with how to strike the right balance between giving children advantages and raising them entitled, lazy, and complacent. Growing up rich can be very bad for children. And I absolutely would judge a parent who provided their children with everything on tap rather than teaching them that money is earned and worked for and how to budget and value it. A spouse or partner doesn't have the teaching responsibility of a parent, but are there potential negative consequences to a partner of encouraging psychological dependence by insisting on paying all the time, yes, I think so.

I'm not saying that the partner is the helpless victim and should sit on their bum and complain. If their circumstances change and they have to adapt, they should. But I would be very wary of a partner who insisted on paying for everything.

No and I wouldn’t let him. I’m not a child.

@SeagoingSexpot

That's not what I meant with the weathy family. I meant comparable to what the OP received.

I would be very wary of a partner that never offered to pay for anything, enjoyed the benefits as she got them , then belatedly tried to gain a mild victim status for having to adjust to a new lifestyle.

Her partner also paid debts and consistently asks if she's okay for money, the sheer lack of any evidence that he has used these gifts to take advantage of her in the relationship leads me to think he's a decent person.

But we will just have to agree to differ.

I ended it. But I'm not totally done, he's left the ball in my court as he wants to get some couples counselling to see if we can make it work. He said he will do anything to make this work.

I don't know whether I'm over thinking things but I just felt like I became too reliant on him. I let myself become really reliant on him and its not right is it? I felt he treated me like a baby too. He would always say things like "It's my job to protect you" I don't know wether I got too comfortable.
I have no Dad and it almost felt like I was expecting him to be like that.

We have no kids or house, we only rent and are were saving for a house. He did get life insurance so that if anything happened to him, I would get help.

No.

Bills are split proportionally ( he earns 3x my wage).

He pays ground rent because it's his house.

We split food and drinks equally at supermarket on a shared card.

Holidays split equally.

He pays for dates and I pay for casual cheaper meals and coffees etc. Or we split, whatever we feel like at the time.

He generally pays for furniture (again his house) but split things like bedding, kitchenware etc.

Proportional spending. Finances separate. When we marry we will pool everything, extract savings/bills etc and then split leftovers equally.

Stinkerbells

Yes I feel like were acting like I'm a SAHM and were married. I'm earning full time and I think I would have some more self worth of pride if I would contribute more?
I don't have much self worth, I feel like I couldn't cope without him but now I'm enrolling on a course and paying myself.

i don’t get it.

if you wanted to pay your way then you would. the uni fees for example, if you really wanted to pay then you would. how would he know any details if you didn’t tell him.

if you were a man you’d be a cocklodger.

I agree with Sugartitties, you're not married, don't have joint finances - and yet you were happy to share your financial details with him. Why would any woman do that? I don''t understand because I can't comprehend why you' or any woman would make yourself beholden to any person financially. You earn your own money, ffs.

Is it different if you are married then?

I think you were right to pay attention to your gut feeling.
Nothing wrong with him paying more, for example, if you earn a lot less, but this sounds like his whole attitude was infantilising you?

Sounds like this guy couldn't get it right. He got you out of debt and paid for things because he earned more. If he hadn't done that you'd still have the debt and would be moaning because you were contributing too much to joint bills. Was he really infantilising you? He just sounds generous and as though he loved you, to me.

@Intertwinedroses

Stinkerbells

Yes I feel like were acting like I'm a SAHM and were married. I'm earning full time and I think I would have some more self worth of pride if I would contribute more?
I don't have much self worth, I feel like I couldn't cope without him but now I'm enrolling on a course and paying myself.

If he’s not abusive or coercive he just sounds like a very keen old fashioned gent. My Hubby (He’s only early 30’s btw haha) occasionally says things like it’s his job to look after us and protect us, I think it’s nice as it makes me feel safe and secure, some people might see it as sexist and old fashioned, it doesn’t bother me. Don’t feel oppressed in anyway, we joke that he’s the brawn and I’m the brains as usually I decide what we’re doing/buying and he makes it happen lol, he’s handy for DIY around the house. His parents had the traditional set up where his Dad was the breadwinner and his Mum kept the children and the home, were your ex’s parents like this?

Your ex paying for everything off the bat is unusual and might be what’s spooked you rather than it being a gradual thing.

If you want to be with him for the right reasons couples counselling might help. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? Do you just need to feel a little more independent?

There’s nothing to stop you quietly squirrelling cash away, it could be a rainy day fund, you could contribute to the house deposit, new home renovations, arrange a weekend away for you both and treat him. Make some tweaks along the way so you feel more equal.

Have you discussed children and marriage? If you got married and had children would you be happy? Does he treat you well generally not just financially?

On the self worth thing, I understand that, obvs don’t expect you to discuss on here but is your self worth low because he’s ‘kept’ you or is it something that you’ve always struggled with and maybe exasperated because you feel a bit suffocated at the moment.

Sorry for all the questions!

Is he supportive of your course?
You are grown woman, it's not his job to protect you.
He can be caring and loving etc...
On POF, I saw a great profile but on his list of 'stuff' he had 'protective', that to me translates as possessive.

He grew up in a broken home tbh, no father. He's had to move from him home town and work his way up to where he is now.

He is also early 30's.

Yeah I love him to bits and he treats me well. We have discussed a house and kids. We were saving for a house.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head. I used to love him telling me he wants to look after me and all of that but I felt I was slowly losing my identity and worth. I have always struggled with self worth.

He grew up in a broken home tbh, no father. He's had to move from him home town and work his way up to where he is now.

He is also early 30's.

Yeah I love him to bits and he treats me well. We have discussed a house and kids. We were saving for a house.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head. I used to love him telling me he wants to look after me and all of that but I felt I was slowly losing my identity and worth. I have always struggled with self worth.

He grew up in a broken home tbh, no father. He's had to move from him home town and work his way up to where he is now.

He is also early 30's.

Yeah I love him to bits and he treats me well. We have discussed a house and kids. We were saving for a house.

Yeah you hit the nail on the head. I used to love him telling me he wants to look after me and all of that but I felt I was slowly losing my identity and worth. I have always struggled with self worth.

sorry - I don't know why it posted three times.

Wow no, my ex didn’t pay for everything, even though we had kids together I would say I paid for most things when we were together, we earned the same amount. He would happily let me pay for meals out etc.

Mostly he pays but when he hasn't got I support him. I would say our relationship is 70/30

My DP earns twice as much as me. He pays about 2/3rds of the bills (including mortgage/utilities). I pay the council tax, Sky and get all the groceries. It works out pretty much even, but more in my favour I think.
We go halves on lots of things, like a vet bill, one of us will pay it and then transfer some money to the other. Meals out, one will pay one time then the other the next time. But it’s not written in stone, none of this ‘well I paid last time’ nonsense. Our way works for us as after all outgoings are accounted for, we’re both left with a pretty equal amount of ‘our own money’.

It's a shame you broke it off with him, he sounds like a decent guy. I don't think there is anything wrong with being old fashioned as long as it isn't hurting anyone

Now we have children and a house, we each put an amount into the joint account that leaves us with the same spending money. Treats come from the joint account but we can buy each other gifts or pay for a night out etc from our own accounts.

When we were first together, we would kind of take it in turns to pay for stuff. So I might take him for a meal out, or he might pay for tickets. It felt quite nice and romantic, but still kept us on an equal footing.