Does your DP pay for everything?

[Intertwinedroses]

I am reflecting on a relationship I have just left, I am not ready to accept it's over yet, we are still talking.

Since day one, for four years he paid for everything.
Dinner, days out, Sky TV, furniture, shopping, spending money, he got a second credit card for me, you get the idea.
He earns double what I earn. I paid half rent and my own personal outgoings like phone and gym. He always said he wants me to have my own money to spend on myself.

At the time it felt normal for him to always get his card out but now that I've stepped back, I'm thinking that him paying for everything had a negative effect on the relationship. I mean, for him and myself individually.
Am I over thinking this? Has anyone got any experience with this?

once upon a time I was the main breadwinner but since having the kids and setting up my business - and him getting promoted - he is by far. And since the pandemic has crippled my business I am earning almost nothing above keeping my business afloat.

We pay a substantial amount of money into the joint account and/or savings and keep a little left over for ourselves to pay for clothes, nights out separately etc (not much of that recently). I also pay for anything to do with the children (my choice) and pay into my own pension just in case the worst happens. Join account pays for all bills, holidays, car, insurance, mortgage, days out etc - in the past most of the money would be from him and some from me but at the moment he is funding pretty much everything. But then again it is officially joint money.

While functionally it would be the same, I don't think I could be with someone who wasn't happy about pooling the money,

No, we split things. We aren't married though but do live together. I earn more so contribute slightly more but it's a fair split. I like knowing I earn enough money to support myself and DD without having to ever rely on anyone else.

sorry having now RTFT I don't mean to imply I think he was a bad person, as others have said quite possibly old fashioned. I personally would hate to have to rely on someone else financially but at this particular moment in time it's tough really and my husband appreciates the fact that I do most of the sorting of the children (especially recently with schools being closed and all that). We're very much a partnership in that respect, which makes it ok.

If there weren't children on the scene I would feel a bit uncomfortable about a partner insisting on paying for everything but that wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker - rather it would be something we could hopefully work on. Things invariably get complicated when you have kids, but you're not at that point yet.

Unless there are significant other factors to consider, I'd be giving him a second chance.

DH has always earned more but when we first got together, but every so often l would treat him to something - even if it was just fish and chips so he didn't think l expected him to pay. I had my own house etc whereas he had money in the bank - it evened itself out and even now he earns 5 x what l earn but l still like to get him a little gift here and there.

Going out on a limb here, might be totally wrong but the broken home might be why he wants to make you feel secure and look after you 🤷‍♀️

Know what you mean about the identity thing, tbh I feel a bit like that sometimes but it’s not hubby, he couldn’t do anymore to keep us all happy which he does.

It sounds like he’s a decent guy and something you might be able to work through, I’ll keep fingers crossed it works out for you both.

No, but I earn 85% of our household income (he earns a decent wage, I just earn a much better one!)

Because of that I pay 85% of our mortgage/bills/food, and will cover holidays and expensive 'special occasion' restaurants

Personal expenses (cars, phones, gym memberships, his child maintenance, clothes, hair etc) is paid from our own accounts

All other joint spending (e.g going to dinner at more reasonable places like Ask/the pub/cinema etc) is 50/50

No we ratio mortgage and bills based on salary, but oh will generally pay for more stuff like meals out etc as he earns more....but I generally like to keep things even

"Men get paid more, given more, and inherit more.

Spot my point."

Interested how you reach the conclusion that men inherit more. Have you dont a national audit?

No, HMRC does it.

I agree with you OP
Him paying for everything from day 1 would affect the relationship negatively.
For him- he has to wonder if you are taking advantage of him or value his money more than him. He might long for you to treat him once in awhile.
For you- you take on a subordinate/dependent role even though you have your own independent money- eg wondering if activity or restaurant is alright with him, choosing cheaper meals because he’s paying. So you are constantly second guessing everything because you’re not spending your money, but his.

He pays the electric and the internet. I pay everything else - mortgage, , council tax, insurances, gas, Sky TV, all car expenses, including gas, repairs etc, food, household stuff-furniture, clothing for both of us, treats such as days out, holidays etc. vet bills, you get the picture.

I never second guess his money, I never consider if something is too expensive for him. I never ever look at prices, what ever I want, he buys. We were in Chanel and he kept encouraging me to try this on, try that on, "do I want this, do I want that, this would suit you" He encourages it too. I'm just being totally honest here, please be kind.

But now I've stepped back and left, I've realised its wrong what I've been doing for four years. I earn my own money and should have been contributing half into the relationship. It has left me feeling worthless by not doing so. I hope this makes sense?

,@Intertwinedroses

If you want my honest opinion. I think you gave him the responsibility for your growing independence and then resented that you didn't own your independence.

Given that you love this man, and he loves you. I think you need to get back together with new boundaries about each others autonomy and responsibilities , and see how that goes.

It sounds like you love a good man, don't underestimate how important that is.