To take my husband’s surname

[BananaCake10]

I’m getting married next week and still undecided whether to take my husband to be’s surname.

I know I don’t have to change my name straight away but if I am going to take it I’d rather do so sooner rather than later. My main reason I would want to take his name is because if we then went into have kids I think it would be nice if we all had the same surname. But not sure if this is enough of a reason?

Reasons I wouldn’t want to change my name are I think it would be a faff to change e.g. updating documents with the bank etc. Also I’m not a massive fan of my MIL to be and I’d have the same name as her I.e. Mrs [Surname] I just don’t want to be like her or reminded of her when my name is mentioned ! I’m almost 100% convinced that at work I wouldn’t want to change my name - can I change it for other things but keep my maiden name at work?

I can’t take a double-barrelled name as the names just sound a bit of a mouthful together. Also we both have pretty standard surnames so it’s not that I don’t like his surname and it sounds ok with my first name.

My partner says it’s completely my choice and it’s up to me and he doesn’t really care either way.

I’d be interested to know how others made this decision as I really don’t know!

I wanted to have the same name as my children and we’d already agreed that children would take DHs name. Also my dad has passed away, my mum is remarried with a different surname and my sister will changed her name when She got married so I felt that by taking my DHs name I identified as part of a family rather than being the sole person with my name

You don't seem to have any real reasons to change it TBH. I'd leave it - you can worry about the names of any future children at the time :)

I changed mine because I hated my surname - it was a no-brainer.

I didn't change my name when I got married. We have 3DC, no-one is confused by me having a different name. That said I now wish we'd done what friends did and given the DDs my surname and DS DH's surname.

I didn't take my husband's name. Not sure if we're having children but if we do then they'll have my surname anyway. Don't change your name just for the sake of it

I wouldn't change my surname and I don't understand why the children can't have your surname. If your husband wants to change his to have the same name as his children, then that's his decision.

I changed mine so that we would have a family name - my husband loves his surname and would never have changed it, and to be fair it is a hell of a lot nicer than my old surname. I've kept my old surname at work though, and for everything professional - I don't particularly like it as a name, but it's mine and I've built up my reputation with it.

It is a faff to change it - it was even more of a faff because I decided to make my old surname an extra middle name, and for some reason that makes everything more complicated!! Had to do a deed poll (literally a piece of paper with the legal words that you get a couple of friends to sign) instead of just sending off marriage certificate to passport office, but once passport was sorted everything else was easy.

On our wedding day the registrar did ask if I was changing my name, so she would announce us as Mr and Mrs X at the end of the ceremony - just to warn you in case you get put on the spot!

I took my husband's surname and gave it to our two DDs. I wanted us to all have the same name. Then he had an affair and walked out on us after 12 years together (8 married) Definitely didn't seem the type so I changed it without a thought. I'm now having to change my name for the second time in less than 10 years. I can't bear to hear my married name because the way he left was so traumatic. I'm also changing our two DD's surnames to include mine.

If you change your name, at least give your children both names.

You can use whatever name you like, there's no need to actually change it formally if you don't want to. So if you wanted you could stick with your old name, use that at work and be known as Mrs Husband in other settings, or vice versa, change your name but be known as old surname where it suited.

Keep your own name. DC can have your name. Much better.

I changed mine because I wanted to get rid of my father's surname, as he was a twat. Nothing else to it! I wouldn't have done it otherwise.

My main reason I would want to take his name is because if we then went into have kids I think it would be nice if we all had the same surname. But not sure if this is enough of a reason?

Well it’s enough of a reason if it’s important to you, you don’t need to meet someone else’s standards for an acceptable reason.

He could always change his name and have the same effect though? If he’s not bothered either way, you could suggest flipping a coin

Didn't really think too much about it as didn't have particular attachment to maiden name - now with children it is nice to have a family unit name - whether that be yours, your husbands or a new one altogether, although i don't bat an eyelid at others choosing differently it's a very personal thing

I changed my name when we married last year, still haven’t gotten round to changing it on some things. My friend changed her name after marriage and changed it with everything apart from work.

I like that we are the X family, it’s just personal preference. I have friends with double barrelled surnames, friends with husbands who changed their name, friends who didn’t change their name. Doesn’t matter what anyone else does really, do what suits you. If you don’t change it, it doesn’t make you any less of a family or married :)

I took my DHs surname for those reasons you mentioned. Personally I didn't find changing my name too difficult.

I’ve not changed mine, got married end of last year. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to, then I decided to double barrel. Once we were married I just found I couldn’t really be arsed doing all the paperwork/ name change thing so I didn’t.

I occasionally use the double barrelled version, mostly I forget and just use ‘my’ surname. In laws insist on referring to me (and the dog!) as having their surname and I just ignore it mainly. It’s fine. I’m happy to use any one of the three variants depending on what makes the most sense in that situation really.

Considering how much thought and wavering I put into it beforehand it’s surprised me how little it’s mattered at all once we’re actually married. My DH is like yours though, didn’t really care about the name either way just wanted me to do what was right for me.

We do have a baby due in a few weeks. It does matter more to DH that baby has his name in some form and I wouldn’t take that away from him, so we’re going to do the double barrelled version for the baby. It’s not a perfect solution and a bit clunky but best we can come up with.

We chose a new surname.

We wanted to have the same family name but tbh neither of us wanted to take the other's surname.

It was great and we also felt we were creating our own new family rather than the next 'branch' of the X family.

Would he be up for you both changing?

If not, if he's so relaxed about it - would he be as relaxed about you saying that you want the children to share your name? There's no reason why not...?

When we got engaged I changed my surname to dh's first name.
I knew I didn't want his surname as ils are horrific!
So I am Sunny Frank and dh is Frank his surname.
*not real names!
Ds is first name Frank.

I didn't change mine when I got married over 20 years ago. At the time it seemed more unusual than it is now.
I've never been keen on the whole 'becoming the property of a man' at marriage and being branded with his name, a bit like a farm animal!

The in-laws never understood or just didn't accept it and they used to send cheques in birthday cards to me (and the kids when they were little) made out to Mrs [DH's surname]. I sent the first few back, with a kind explanatory note, but they never replaced them with the correct name so after that I stopped bothering. Was pissed off that DH didn't stand up for me though .

Our DC have DH's surname though, although both have middle names which are my family names.

I use Ms. [my surname] but for some reason the school has never managed to accommodate this and sends letters to Mrs [my surname] which then makes me sound like a divorcee .

I'm still glad I kept my name though - for me it's part of my history and my identity.

I find all the language around names rather depressing e.g. "maiden name" - I never considered myself a maiden pre-marriage!

I have been married for over 30 years. I didn’t changed my name as it links me to my home country and I really love it. I have 2 children, the eldest has my surname and the other has DH’s. It has never been a problem.

This is one if those things where you have to do what you want and fuck everybody else.
I wanted to change my name so I did. I didn't discuss it with anyone.
I know plenty of people who did, plenty of people who didn't and a few double barrelled.
I think like the SAHM/working mum debate lots of people have very strong feelings but it is nobody's business but your own so do what feels right for you.

I have had my mother's family surname since birth and so growing up had a different surname to my mother, father and stepfather. I didn't change my name on marriage so also have a different surname to DH and DC. Over the past (almost) 6 decades it has never been a problem. Not once.

It really isn’t much of a faff to change your name. It’s very straightforward by marriage. I changed my name when I married dh mostly because I wanted us to both share the same names as future children (and I think double barrelling sounds a bit daft, it certainly didn’t suit our names). I also really didn’t particularly want to hold on to my own surname. I know no one I share my surname with. My dad was long since dead and I didn’t particularly like him or grow up with him around. I just wanted to be part of a family of other people I had the same name as. Dh and I could have changed our name to something else entirely but that seems like a lot of effort when he had a perfectly good name and a nice family who shared the name with who I liked a lot.

You don't mention what your husband to be reasons are for not changing his name to yours?

Thanks all for your responses, I’m definitely overthinking it, I think I will probably not change it straight away and see how I feel I can always change it later on.

I hadn’t thought about giving children my surname (annoyed that I just assumed they’d have to have my partners!)

We did discuss taking my mother’s maiden name as none of her brothers have children so the name has ended (plus it’s a really pretty surname) but DH (to be) does not want to change his name (and I can’t force him!)

I think my main worry is that we won’t have a family name, but I suppose I won’t know how important that is to me until we have kids (few a years off anyway) so could always change it then :)