Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To take my husband’s surname

77 replies

BananaCake10 · 13/07/2020 15:26

I’m getting married next week and still undecided whether to take my husband to be’s surname.

I know I don’t have to change my name straight away but if I am going to take it I’d rather do so sooner rather than later. My main reason I would want to take his name is because if we then went into have kids I think it would be nice if we all had the same surname. But not sure if this is enough of a reason?

Reasons I wouldn’t want to change my name are I think it would be a faff to change e.g. updating documents with the bank etc. Also I’m not a massive fan of my MIL to be and I’d have the same name as her I.e. Mrs [Surname] I just don’t want to be like her or reminded of her when my name is mentioned ! I’m almost 100% convinced that at work I wouldn’t want to change my name - can I change it for other things but keep my maiden name at work?

I can’t take a double-barrelled name as the names just sound a bit of a mouthful together. Also we both have pretty standard surnames so it’s not that I don’t like his surname and it sounds ok with my first name.

My partner says it’s completely my choice and it’s up to me and he doesn’t really care either way.

I’d be interested to know how others made this decision as I really don’t know!

OP posts:
GhostOfMe · 13/07/2020 22:45

I changed mine because I hated my surnames association to a horrible man. I wish I hadn't now.

NoPinkPlease · 13/07/2020 22:49

Has your DP considered changing his name or having this decision making process to go through? That alone will always be enough for me never to do it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/07/2020 22:52

You can certainly work under your maiden name and use a married name for everything else. If that's what you want.

I love my husband and my married name, and I hated my father and my maiden name, so it was an easy choice for me.

Annasgirl · 13/07/2020 22:59

For all of you who hated your fathers and therefore changed to your husband’s sue name upon marriage, did your brothers change their surname to their wive’s surname upon marriage or is it just women who feel the need to do this?

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 23:06

Why should it automatically be your husband your children are named after? Because of Victorian patriarchal laws and traditions?

I would never change my surname. Partially because it wouldnt make sense for me in my line of work now but also because I am a feminist and dont think its very feminist to take a man's name.

For those that wanted the same name as their children, ok fine. But again why the man's name by default. Just because that is the way it has been done? Things are changing.

That said my cousin is taking her fiancee's name because it has less syllables than her maiden name and she thinks it sounds better. I agree tbh. I suppose I'm fortunate that I like my name as it is.

Fallstar · 13/07/2020 23:07

I didn't change my name. Our children have my name. It works for us.

Do what seems right for you - there's no right or wrong way to do this but don't let other people pressure you to do something you don't want to do.

KatDubs261 · 13/07/2020 23:09

Also my ex was named after both his parents (double barrelled)

SingingSands · 13/07/2020 23:20

Well you're only swapping one man's name for another I suppose. Why not choose your own? What would you choose?

I took DHs. It was no bother, and I think there must be millions of other women with the same surname so I don't care if it is the same as MILs. And anyway, MIL had a beautiful name before she married and took PILs surname, so she probably had the same thoughts!

ShebaShimmyShake · 13/07/2020 23:35

@Annasgirl

For all of you who hated your fathers and therefore changed to your husband’s sue name upon marriage, did your brothers change their surname to their wive’s surname upon marriage or is it just women who feel the need to do this?
I didn't feel a need, but it was available as an easy and accepted choice, so I took it. It's a nicer sounding name too. Actually my brother told me he wished he could do the same without raising any eyebrows. I think he overestimated how much other people would care.

No, he didn't change his name, so I suppose you've got the tired old "gotcha" you were hoping for, but I'd still rather have the name of the good man whom I chose as a relative than the shit one I didn't.

OldGreyBadger · 13/07/2020 23:37

I'm also changing our two DD's surnames to include mine. If you are divorced, this is not legal without the consent of the other person having parental responsibility.
www.gov.uk/change-name-deed-poll/change-a-childs-name

JunoJigglewick · 14/07/2020 12:19

I did change my surname. I kind of regret it now as my old name was a bit more distinctive which is useful for work.

namechange12a · 14/07/2020 12:29

It's a choice ultimately OP. It's a hangover from the law of coveture when women automatically lost all rights as human beings when they married. They literally become their husband and in that case, women had no choice. They couldn't divorce, work, educate themselves and everything they owned, including their own children, belonged to their husband. The tradition of the father handing over his daughter at the alter to her next owner comes from that. Quaint, right?

It's also, incidentally where the rule of thumb comes from. A man couldn't beat his wife with anything wider than his thumb.

SoupDragon · 14/07/2020 13:43

Not true about Rule of Thumb A modern folk etymology holds that the phrase is derived from the maximum width of a stick allowed for wife-beating under English law, but no such law ever existed.

Yeahnahmum · 14/07/2020 13:56

Keep your mil out. She is not the same Mrs surname
You would be you. Not her.

You can take his name because it would feel like your tied together. Espcially when you have kids. Or because you love to share the same name. Or because it is oldfashioned but lovely. Or because you want to for no specific reason at all.

Do what you want to do.

It will get super confusing if you have kids and they end up with your husband's last name and you are the only one with a different name. Or the other way around. That will be a life time of explaining and making you feel different perhaps.

Dashel · 14/07/2020 14:42

I took DH surname as I was eager to get rid of my mine. Not keen on my family.

I did check that he would have taken mine first though.

Namenic · 14/07/2020 14:42

I altered it for some things but not others eg not on passport, but yes for joint account and electoral register. I have had problems travelling alone with my 2 kids - asked to show copy of birth cert as they have DHs surname, but it is not a huge issue.

Bemorechicken · 14/07/2020 14:48

I kept my name and the children had my name. He went ballistic but I pointed out he could always change to mine. His parents went mental too and often called me Mrs Hisname. I ignored them.

If you say to your husband that you want to keep your name and does he want to change to you.............. what does he say?

SoupDragon · 14/07/2020 15:12

If you say to your husband that you want to keep your name and does he want to change to you.............. what does he say?

Why does it matter whether he would be happy to change his name? He doesn't care what the OP does and isn't bothered.

Lottapianos · 14/07/2020 15:18

'Has your DP considered changing his name or having this decision making process to go through? That alone will always be enough for me never to do it.'

Ditto

It sounds like you want to keep your name OP, so keep your name. It's yours. Dont fall for the red herring that it's just your dad's name - its the name you've been known by your whole life so its yours. No one ever tells men that their last name is just their father's name and not theirs

NamechangeOnceMore · 14/07/2020 15:51

I kept my maiden name at work, as I married when I was in my 30s and already established in my career. I use my married name for some stuff in my personal life, including the joint bank account and my medical records. Our children have the married surname. That felt like a good option for me, but as others have said, you should do what works for you and your specific circumstances.

OllyBJolly · 14/07/2020 17:26

I have had problems travelling alone with my 2 kids - asked to show copy of birth cert as they have DHs surname, but it is not a huge issue

I've also had this problem and my DCs have my name. I think it's the lone adult with children not the name that bothers the border controls (and it only happened in the US and Canada).

Divoc2020 · 14/07/2020 20:56

@OllyBJolly

I have had problems travelling alone with my 2 kids - asked to show copy of birth cert as they have DHs surname, but it is not a huge issue

I've also had this problem and my DCs have my name. I think it's the lone adult with children not the name that bothers the border controls (and it only happened in the US and Canada).

On the flip side of this, once when DH, 2DCs (his surname) and I were travelling back from a holiday in the US I got upgraded from economy to business class because they thought I was a solo traveller! Grin

DH sulked and I had to swap seats with him for some of the time Grin.

OllyBJolly · 14/07/2020 22:02

Excellent @Divoc2020 ! That's what I call a result..

(not sure I would have been so kind and swapped!)

lakeswimmer · 14/07/2020 22:10

Changed mine because it was unusual and I was sick of spelling it. DHs name is a common one and goes well with my first name. I don't remember it being much faff to change it.

Eastereggfan · 14/07/2020 22:13

I changed my name for everything but work. Although not sure how it would work for security checks if I moved to a new company, I have wondered if I could use my maiden name in another job too?

Swipe left for the next trending thread