Told my mother to fuck off - additional advice needed please

[Nibblingoncrumpets]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to update on the situation as it has had some developments which have been upsetting, and I wanted the wonderful support that I have previously received, again.

Essentially, my son had a birthday and my mother dropped off some gifts from my siblings and her. Left them on the doorstep. No contact made with me (DH was unlucky enough to be leaving exactly as she was arriving and received some victim spiel “leaving some gifts for MY grandson”), cards very much “to MY BELOVED GRANDSON” etc. We kept the gifts as it seemed the least confrontational thing to do, and sent 2 line thank you cards “from our son” to them - to be polite but not have to engage. All very ironic though as her “Beloved grandson” has been in and out of hospital the last 2 months with quite serious medical problems and she is none the wiser as she didn’t want to check in with her daughter living 3 minutes down the road. Add to this that a few village locals have seen me around and mentioned my mother crying to them about being kept away from my son. And unfortunately a mutual acquaintance of ours dropped in a few things she has said eg “I know crumpets had a good childhood because her brothers did”, or “I am so proud of myself I haven’t talked to crumpets in 3 months” or “all my friends agree it’s just awful how she talks to me and I shouldn’t put up with it” etc.

BUT

I am overdue with my second baby. I know that my mother and siblings are bound to be awful and leave some gifts/cards for new baby which do NOT mention me or acknowledge my presence.

Anyway, I feel that boundaries have been crossed. the Toxic Parents book by Susan Forward suggests writing a letter, to just tell my truth to her and express myself. I have drafted such a letter, which I am planning to send when baby is out and presents have been received, along with the presents being returned (or cards - whatever comes up). I am extremely pleased with the letter but I also feel a bit guilty as I know it will upset her/anger her, and it almost makes me wonder if I am exaggerating as I feel so happy now as an adult that I surely can’t care so much about all the things she did to me?

Thank you for any advice in advance. Previous post below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3878459-Need-a-hand-hold-finally-told-my-mother-to-FUCK-OFF

Don't bother sending the letter.

It'll only give her fuel.

You don’t think worth it to get to say my piece properly? The book seems to think very important to have your say etc

I think it will be cathartic. You’re so strong and this may give you more strength! Thinking if you x

I'd be inclined to send the letter to have your day so you can move on etc

I'd be inclined to send the letter to have your day so you can move on etc

I'd be inclined to send the letter to have your day so you can move on etc

I wouldn't send the letter, it'll. Just give her another stick to beat you with. She doesn't care about your thought or feelings, what you have to say is irrelevant to her.

Use the letter for yourself - as a tool to manage your thoughts but I wouldnt send it personally

Send the letter.

I don’t mind so much if she wants to use it as a stick to beat me with, as I’ve written it as though we will never speak again and I just want to say all the things I want to say (without attacking or being unpleasant). And it’s very clear from the letter some of the things she did so she will not be showing it to friends etc either.

OP, she may still show it to friends. I wrote a letter to my narcissist mother and violent father breaking all contact with them and detailing my reasons, with a list of some of their abusive behaviour to me as a child. They showed it to all their neighbours in fury at what their horrible ungrateful daughter had done!
Narcissists have no insight- they never accept blame, and everything is someone else’s fault.
It is important to write the letter because it gives YOU closure - it will not have any desired effect on your mother. Send it if that helps you, and if you need to know she received it. Some victims of toxic parents find that the mere act of writing alone is sufficient, and they then just destroy the letter. Do whatever feels right for you.
I never regretted posting my letter, and never saw my parents again. I didn’t attend their funerals either and have no regrets to this day, over 20 years later.

@Babdoc

Thank you babdoc x I’m glad you did what was right for you

I think writing the letter will hopefully give you some closure.

But, and it's a big but, you must remember she won't read it and have an Epiphany, she won't read it and think 'oh my god my dd is right' or 'I've been such a bad parent' a light won't go off in her head and she'll realise how awful she's been. She'll just use it as a further example of how unreasonable she already thinks you are.

If this is just for closure, and for your own mental health and you genuinely don't want a response then go for it.

I went nc with my dm. Wrote her a letter after she sent me a Woe Is Me one...
Never heard another word.

Hi @Nibblingoncrumpets, I am in two minds about this from my experience. I wrote my aunt, one of my mother's flying monkeys, a letter outing my mother's promiscuous, spiteful and neglectful behaviour when I was a child. It gave me a huge sense of relief to finally let the ugly truth out. But my mother still managed to use it to her advantage in her 'poor me' campaign which alienated me from my entire family. However, ironically the letter has popped up ten years later being feted by my golden child brother as gospel truth now that he has fallen out with her. So you may get personal relief from setting out your truth but others may punish you for it. Just make sure you're in a strong enough place to withstand the potential fallout.

Sounds like you've been through a lot OP and I'm sorry to hear it.

I haven't read the book you're talking about but personally I wouldn't send the letter. Like a PP said she won't read it and change her mind. And, without coming across rudely, the letter is mainly self serving. I'd write it all out and have that as the closure for yourself. Sending it and her reading it wont change anything, it will probably make matters worse.

Beat of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and (hopefully imminent!) birth to your DC2.

Just a recommendation that you should visit the Stately Homes threads if you haven't already - lots of support and advice there for people in your kind of situation.

I am so sorry to hear that your little boy has been ill. It must be v difficult for you and I hope his issues are resolving. You are at a v important point right now with your new baby being overdue and your focus needs to be 100% solely on having a safe and beautiful birth and protecting the love, peace and calm of your own little family - as well as preserving your own positive emotional state.

You need to get your toxic DM out of your head right now - she doesn’t get to feature in this new chapter. Don’t let her antics (or even her shadow) pollute this special time.

You have done really well to batten down the hatches and move on over the past few months given the horrors of your childhood.

BUT you have a little bit more to do. It is understandable that you are feeling vulnerable as you are about to give birth and you have to come to terms with your own dreadful mother.

The disappointment / judgement that you have that she didn’t check in with your DS when he was ill seems a bit confused and doesn’t sit right with NC.

You should be proud of the progress you have made, reading the book, writing the letter, keeping her at bay. The letter sounds brilliant and must have been cathartic - but I would but send it right now - the timing isn’t right - it will back fire on you and consume / distract you at this v special time for you and your DH, DS and new baby.

It would also be good to cut off all info sources about her life and her knowing anything about yours. Anything you hear will hurt and preoccupy you - and you haven’t the headspace for that negatively - because you have too much positive stuff to fill it instead.

I would be expecting her to kick off and be plotting how and when she will invade your space with respect to the new baby. So I would just have thought if everything and be ready to deal with her as cool as a cucumber.

You have made so much progress, don’t lose that - just keep moving forward with your new life - putting one foot in front of the other - back calmly turned and eyes straight ahead.

The disappointment / judgement that you have that she didn’t check in with your DS when he was ill seems a bit confused and doesn’t sit right with NC

Yes, I agree with this. I think it’s been the hypocrisy of her crying to people about being separated from her grandchild whilst she hasn’t even got any idea about what’s actually happening to him, when it’s been so awful etc.

I really appreciate everyone’s input, thank you. It’s all food for thought. The underlying message I want to really get through to her is that she will not be having a relationship with my children, and if she continues sending stuff I won’t be engaging/it will be going in the bin or similar.

Because I just want to stop having this stuff hanging over me like now where I’m anxious that my first few days with my new baby will have emotional fuckwittery attached to them by her doing something hurtful eg sending something to him and disregarding me. If that makes sense.

I know it looks like I’m
Giving her a lot of head space but it’s still early days and the dropping of the birthday presents unsettled me, and I want to be armed and prepared for the next unsettling thing I suppose.

To the PP who said the letter would be self-serving: yes, it would. What’s wrong with that?

We have a similar situation to you with a family member and really know where you're coming from.

I just wanted to suggest you have an open, honest relationship with your kids about this. Growing up they will be curious and have questions. Give them honest answers, include them in discussions when they inevitability come up. This kind of thing can cause resentment down the line of not handled carefully.

And keep reminding yourself of her behaviour which caused this.

Hello @Nibblingoncrumpets

I read your last thread and was so saddened by it. I'm sorry these hurtful actions are still going on and taking up any headspace when you are so close to giving birth, in particular.

I don't know whether or not it's a good idea or not to send the letter, but I'm glad you have written it for your own self to get some of your past experiences out of your head and on paper. Sometimes seeing things on paper helps to make more sense out of a situation, even though it still hurts. Doesn't mean, in any way that you are minimising anything or have to forgive the person who made your life so miserable. It's like self-counselling in a way.

I hope your new baby makes his/her appearance soon and you have an easy birth. 🌹 for you OP - and warm wishes for a happier future.

Re the children, I tell mine if they ask about her, that nana isn't a kind lady and we don't have people in our lives who hurt us lots, or who we know will.

My experience of the letter is that there is a tiny part inside that still held out hope that she'd see the letter, realise why I was upset and not want to lose me. I was adamant that our relationship was over and I didn't care anymore before I sent it. It hurt like hell to have it confirmed by her response that she was quite content to let me go. That all the times I'd told myself that she loved me, she is my mother after all etc (over the years) was time wasted: she TRULY cared more about herself than an apology to me, even shelf arsed one. It was devastating. And I was sure it wouldn't be.

So make sure there's nothing at all unsaid, because you can only write this once. And imagine there's a third person reading it, because there might well be.

Good luck

I’ve not read the Susan Forward book.

When I went no contact with my parents I sent them a letter.

I absolutely had to. As they were doing the whole woe is me thing and adding an entire, she’s hysterical we’ve no idea what we’ve done, we’ve done sooooo much for her, type rubbish.

I wrote my letter and was very polite, I didn’t even blame them. Just gave facts which couldn’t be disputed.

And they never responded.

My parents then attempted to guilt me into speaking to them using a distant relatives death and trying to act as if noting ever happened. I just politely told them I was sorry for their loss.

I still get the odd email trying to make out like they’re sooooo upset and worried for me I always respond politely with we’re fine thank you. And to the last one, I do not want to visit you, but thank you for the invitation. Seriously the insane woman was talking as if I’d agreed to take my family to go visit her.

Be prepared to have your letter completely ignored.

Send the letter to get your side out. I made sure my letter was factual and polite so she could show it to whoever she wanted if she dared. Nobody I know can understand how a mother can behave the way she has.

Writing a letter will mean your mum has in her hand everything written down on paper to show and do with what she likes

Don’t do that

Take care of yourself and grieve for the relationship you could have had - then move on

You are about to have a baby and your son is ill.

Yet you are thinking about dealing with your mother!

No no no no no no

For the next 3 months you should only think about you, your baby, your son and your dh.

There should be zero thought about her and her feelings.

Any gifts should either be kept, donated or returned to sender. (1 or 2 would be best) and zero acknowledgement given to her. Don’t write a thank you card to be polite. She is not polite to you. She does not deserve the same curtesy.

Do not engage the flying monkeys. Leave them to their own toxic relationship with her.

From now on, look after you and your family until you are recovered, your ds is well and you are feeling up to it.

She doesn’t care about you, stop caring about her.

I think this may sound harsher then I am intending. My point is, you are having a baby yet you are worried about her feelings. Your focus should be on you now.

@TobyHouseMan and @Howlat - you are both right about letting the children know when they are a bit older. @howlat - I really like how you phrase it. As she has also been so nasty about my husband, it’s easy to include that too. I especially identify with what you are saying about not being loved, but this is something I feel I have made my peace with. I have referenced it in the letter. There’s a great bit in the Susan forward book about how, If they were asked, they would of course think/say they they love you, but that they just don’t in a real or constructive way. Certainly my own love for my children shows me that it’s not possible for her to love me that same way and behave like this.

@frazzledasarock
sounds quite insane that they keep trying, but as you say, you have said your bit and if they want to ignore it then that’s up to them. I’m sorry though, I agree about being factual and polite - mine is. That’s why I don’t mind, @ivykaty44 , if she does something with my letter. I’m not ashamed of anything that happened to me anymore - I was a child and none of it was my fault. And I’ve discussed it in the letter very politely and matter of factly. Tbh I can’t see how she could show someone without them thinking she’s a monster, but there we go!