Only on mn is the cheater considered to be evil beyond doubt and the cheated-on an innocent victim incapable of no wrongdoing.
While an affair is not justified, there are often issues within a relationship which lead to an affair, and i would say that as much for a man as a woman. While there absolutely are people who cheat on their partners purely because they can, there are also people for who an affair is the wake up call that something is not right in their marriage. And I would bet money that there are even people on here who have posted about their partner’s affair and received nothing but sympathy, but who are equally culpable in the reasons which led to the affair in the first place.
I had an affair. There isn’t a justification for it, but the things that led to it are an emotionally abusive and controlling marriage. I have written on here in depth about it before so I won’t bore people with all the details, but just as a couple of examples, when your husband turns off the heating to make sure you can’t use it while he’s out, or tells you before your six week check post birth that you need to go and have sex to make sure you still can and no isn’t an option, in fact it only occurred to me about seven years after we split what that one actually meant, but there’s more, then I think it’s fair to say that he’s no saint.
Should I have had an affair? No, I should have left the fucker years before, but the truth is there is very little support for people leaving emotionally abusive marriages, because they’re almost never abusive from the outside.
In my case the affair ended before my marriage did, but it was an out for me when there previously wasn’t one. And I cut all contact with the AP and haven’t spoken to him since. The longer you don’t speak to someone, the more your memories of them fade.
Only the OP knows the state of her marriage. If you want to work on it then you both need to address the issues which have led to the affair, because these things are rarely one-sided. That doesn’t mean you necessarily need to lay the blame on it with your DH, but it does mean that if there are things from his side which have led to the unhappiness in your marriage then he also needs to address those.
And coming online for a virtual kicking achieves nothing other than to make you feel worse. The issues are yours to deal with, you’ve acknowledged that by ending the affair and wanting to talk about it. But they’re not for other people to judge. Other people’s judgements are just words, they can’t achieve anything. If your marriage is over then judgement from others isn’t going to change that, and if you want to work on it then you have to work with your DH, not seek the justification or judgement from other people.