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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don’t deserve it, but can I have a handhold please?

125 replies

Aichpeel · 09/07/2020 17:21

Please help me to be strong.

I’ve had an affair, I’ve ended it, and now I need to be strong and stay no contact. I’m anxious, and very sad and overwhelmingly guilty.

Thank you.

OP posts:
12345ct · 09/07/2020 18:24

No handhold from me I like to keep my hands clean. Maybe your husband could do with a handhold if you decide to do the decent thing and tell him. Disgusting behaviour OP.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 09/07/2020 18:24

No matter what you do, the main thing is stay strong and stop all contact with the om. You know you’re going to get ripped to bits on here.

Lightline · 09/07/2020 18:30

Allow yourself to grieve for the loss and it is a loss you are experiencing. Focus on your children and your relationship and if you want to stay married don’t tell your husband. It’s kinder not to

HalfDutchGirl · 09/07/2020 18:37

No judgement and a tight hand hold from me OP. Lots of very judgey people on here who think life, relationships and emotions are simple.

Stay strong, cry, scream and shout and you will get there it takes time. I hope the counselling helps.

ConkerGame · 09/07/2020 18:42

OP if you’ve only ended the affair because you thought it was wrong but you love your affair partner, your marriage doesn’t have much of a chance does it?

Why did you have the affair? That’s the question you need to answer because unless something in your marriage changes you’re not suddenly going to be happy in it. In your shoes, I’d work out it what it is that’s wrong in the marriage, see if it’s something that would be possible to change, if not, I’d end it. If it can be changed I’d talk to your husband but you’d have to be honest about the affair too, which could well lead to it ending anyway.

Bit late now but you really should have tried to change things before the affair, and left if it didn’t improve. Why did you and affair partner not end your marriages to be together?

LazyDaisy22 · 09/07/2020 18:42

I think op is asking for a handhold to help her stay strong in doing the right thing by ending the affair. So a definite handhold from me. But maybe have a long think about what caused you to have the affair in the first place and see if there’s a chance of saving your marriage. Good luck x

affor · 09/07/2020 18:46

I have empathy for you OP.

An affair breakup isn't any less painful than another kind. In fact it's often worse.

affor · 09/07/2020 18:46

I have empathy for you OP.

An affair breakup isn't any less painful than another kind. In fact it's often worse.

BenWyattsLowCalCalzoneZone · 09/07/2020 18:49

No judgement from me and a handhold. Life isn't black and white and I doubt you would have set out to have an affair.
Do try to look honestly at your marriage. If it is worth salvaging, work at that. Ending any relationship is difficult. Try to be kind to yourself.

Yorkshirelass04 · 09/07/2020 18:53

I've been there and I have empathy. It's a horrible situation to be in and it's not so easy to just end a long term relationship to 'do the right thing'.

Pinkypie86 · 09/07/2020 18:55

Don't tell your husband if you want to remain married - No judgement from me.
We all do shitty things at some point ( most MNetters will never be honest enough to say so ).
Something made you have an affair, whatever it is try and work that out.

SpillTheTeaa · 09/07/2020 18:55

I have empathy for your husband. Seems the only reason you're upset is because you miss the person you had an affair with. Not any remorse really from you to what you've done to your husband/family. Blunt but honest.

SpillTheTeaa · 09/07/2020 18:57

Also disagree with PP not all affairs are prompted by a shitty relationship just a shitty person who is having the affair.

Yorkshirelass04 · 09/07/2020 18:58

If it's so shitty to have affairs why are they so common?

EinsteinaGogo · 09/07/2020 18:58

To all the previous posters - you have no insight other than a brief few lines that the OP has shared, so don't be so harsh.

OP. You must be in turmoil. It's a horrible situation. Well done for ending it. Get support to decide if your 'real' relationship should continue too x

nearlynermal · 09/07/2020 19:00

Handhold here. Perhaps if you just accept that it's hard now, and it will stay hard for quite a long time, and don't expect to be happy for a while, time will slowly do its work. Just avoid any self destructive patterns and endure. You can do it.

Carolamc · 09/07/2020 19:00

Wow, what a shower of judgemental harridens!

Earlier comments warned that this would happen and I didn't really believe people would be so cruel. But that is the internet. I won't be surprised if the OP has disappeared after that torrent of vitriol.

Will those comments help? Why do people say such things? I despair sometimes. Let those that have no sin etc etc

Stay strong, you have done the right thing. I hope you read this. Get back on the right track. If you want to keep your marriage you will have to work at it....

2018SoFarSoGreat · 09/07/2020 19:03

it makes me really sad to hear of so many affairs on MN, it is horrible for all parties. That does not make it hard to hear your pain, OP.

Handhold from me.

stophuggingme · 09/07/2020 19:08

Really?

GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 19:08

If it's so shitty to have affairs why are they so common?

ConfusedHmm

Because shitty people are common?

MummyDummyNow · 09/07/2020 19:09

No judgement from me either, as another PP said no relationships are black and white, you've been so strong by ending it. Will it help to talk about it? How long was the affair for?

MummyDummyNow · 09/07/2020 19:09

No judgement from me either, as another PP said no relationships are black and white, you've been so strong by ending it. Will it help to talk about it? How long was the affair for?

curseddiamond · 09/07/2020 19:11

Hey OP - I'm sorry you feel this way. It's good you're getting counselling - i found it really helpful. I also remember 'ending it', even though that's maybe a bit grand for what it was. It wasn't really a relationship, but when we agreed it wasn't doing either of us any good to keep sleeping together, it did feel like a break up.

I knew i needed to end things with my now-ex, and did about a month later. the affair, such as it was, was at first a wake up call that my relationship wasn't good, and then an emotional escape from the reality that it was falling apart and i needed to end it. It was a simpler, easier thing.

I don't think i could have ended my relationship if i hadn't had it, and i couldn't have ended it while it was still going on. In the end, i didn't tell my ex about it. It wasn't the reason we split up, and i was worried he would be so hurt by it and struggle to trust a future relationship. I really felt it was the right thing at the time, but now I'm not so sure.

Good luck - the guilt is deserved, but it doesn't make it feel any easier.

DiddlySquatty · 09/07/2020 19:13

Handhold from me too and no judgement.
You’ve done a brave thing ending it and it is absolutely the right thing. Try to focus on not having to deal with the guilt anymore, and take comfort from knowing you did the right thing.
It’s good you’re getting counselling. Hopefully you can explore the underlying factors that lead to if and face up to thinking about your marriage. Maybe sometimes not always it is escapism to avoid dealing with difficult marriage issues.
You’ve done the hard bit, stay no contact and it will get easier. Don’t undo your good work. There can be no happy ending.

Ginger1982 · 09/07/2020 19:14

"Wow, what a shower of judgemental harridens!"

What else did she expect?