I don’t deserve it, but can I have a handhold please?

[Aichpeel]

Please help me to be strong.

I’ve had an affair, I’ve ended it, and now I need to be strong and stay no contact. I’m anxious, and very sad and overwhelmingly guilty.

Thank you.

Wow, what an awful thing to do to your husband.

And now you’re looking for sympathy because you miss your shag buddy?

Jog on.

@carreterra. Thank you.

I shall try those poems.

Hiding the pain will be hard, but use this time to work out if there's anything left of your marriage worth saving.

Don't tell your husband, whatever you decide to do

You had an affair for a reason, you fell in love with someone else for a reason. Figure out why.

The very least you can do is be honest. Particularly if you for some reason want to try and rescue a relationship your infidelity has fundamentally jeopardised if not ruined.
You cannot make a decision to continue with this relationship but keep a secret that would mean he is unwittingly living a lie. In my view that is worse than the actual betrayal.

Be truthful and accept whatever hand you are dealt. He should not be punished or deceived anymore because you couldn’t manage your feelings for another person or end your existing relationship and be free to make this kind of choice

@Aichpeel May I suggest you leave now, As the drinks flow the posts will not get kinder. They will become more spiteful especially in the second bottle. You need no more whipping!
Consider yourself scourged.
The way to redemption is by working on the relationship. Build not dismantle.
Bye!

Do you work together? Can you avoid seeing him? What was his reaction at you ending it? Will he leave you alone?

Good luck with no contact. It's so hard, but the only way.

@wildcherries

I agree
If this thread had been written by a man

Such double standards.

I agree, don't tell DH.
You don't know how he will react, you could be in danger. You hear about men killing their wives or the Man.
Bury it, keep it to yourself and figure out if you want to be with him any more.

OP I've been on the other side of this horrible situation (DP had an 18 month affair) but I won't judge you either. I have read up so much about affairs and why they happen and how hard they are to escape once you are in one. You have done the right thing by ending it. I found the advice on a website called Affair Recovery really useful. There are articles on there aimed people having affairs as well as the betrayed partners, for example this one: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/ending-an-affair-step-one-make-the-decision
If you read through the comments at the end there are people who have been in a very similar situation to you and you might find what they have to say useful. I found it helpful to read comments from both sides to increase my understanding of what happened and why.

Handhold from me too

Handhold from me too. The unkind responses reflect something within that person, pay no mind.

Handhold here - no judgement.

I hope you're ok

Jesus Christ @ some of these posters. people and relationships are complicated. I think it's admirable you're able to recognize and learn from your mistake. Obvs nobody condones affairs but you're not some smug arsehole who sees nothing wrong with cheating and you're certainly in a better position than the self-righteous c-words who judge as if they've never hurt somebody ever in their whole lives. ffs. Big, fat handhold good luck out there!

OP this is a huge curve in your life. Do the right thing to your DH and take it from there.
I do have sympathy but don't complain about reaping what you sowed

No handhold from me I'm afraid, I've just found out my partner has been having an affair. You may feel guilty but let me tell you that finding out about an affair is like a a punch in the stomach a thousand times over. The pain is devastating. Affairs never ever end well for anyone involved. You reap what you sow I'm afraid.

My SIL cheated on my DB. He was a shell for months, knowing that something had changed in his marriage but not knowing what. He blamed himself, tried harder, tied himself in knots trying to regain her interest.

It is really hard not to judge someone who chooses to do that to a person, and I know on mn that that makes me a judgemental harridan.

But actually, what's wrong with judging hurtful, unkind behaviour and reserving sympathy for the innocent people hurt by those actions.

OP, I admire you for ending it and seeking counselling. But your poor husband, watching you grieve for another man.

@bubbless30000
Yes people and relationships are complicated.
That doesn’t mean your take away half of that so called partnership’s right to make an informed decision by ending an affair and trying to carry on as normal.

That is just even more deceit

@Aichpeel I've been cheated on at least once (maybe twice) and blamed both partners at the time but I now see that in the first instance I was sometimes jealous and perhaps not always the nicest person to be around, looking back maybe even abusive towards him so I can see why he did it and feel utter shame now looking back during lockdown and realising that my anxiety/moodiness etc may have hurt him. Then in the second instance I was perhaps equally to blame in that I had an emotional affair (no kissing or even talks about being together or anything but it was a housemate who I loved and perhaps shouldn't have been living with if I felt that way?)

What I am trying to say is that your cheating doesn't exist in a vacuum and may highlight things in your relationship that were not right? So it's not necessarily the case that cheater is bad and spouse is good. You already feel bad enough about what happened but I'm sure that the guilt will eat you up and the best course of action is to tell your husband the truth. It will be horrible and you will feel terrible, but you already do and that feeling will only grow. The fate of your relationship may be upto him. And you then need to decide what you want to do too.

In my experience people who have affairs use excuses to justify what they did when there is no excuse, except they were weak and wanted to do it.
If they do it once they will probably do it again.

Admitting it on here and asking for understanding is fine but my understanding is you are untrustworthy and don't deserve to stay in a relationship that you trashed.

Sorry but that's what I think.

No handholding from me either

@stophuggingme I totally agree
OP take your oil. Guilty

Don't confess. Deal with your own shit and don't dump a load on his head. Unless you want your marriage to end, keep it to yourself

I agree with this.

Tell him. You can't live a lie. Or can you? OP

Your emotions are going to run sky high for a long time to come, brace yourself. One step at a time. You need to block om, stop seeing him, don’t stalk social media etc honestly it just makes it worse.
Don’t tell your dh.
Look within yourself and ask yourself why. What is missing in your marriage? Sometimes it’s not to do with your husband but yourself. Are you feeling bored with mundane life? Do you have a passion or a hobby in life? Do you suffer with low self esteem?
Don’t settle for being someone’s second choice, don’t be someone’s back burner option. Nothing good will come out of the affair.
Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Start working on yourself and your marriage one day at a time.
If you let the om go, then you will be happier. This isn’t making you happy.

If you love him and he loves you then he will divorce his wife and you will divorce your husband...but you don’t seem like you want to do that.
Stay strong, it’s a long road ahead.

I can’t believe people are saying ‘Keep it to yourself, don’t tell him’.

It’s even more deceitful. Yes it will undoubtably hurt him, but don’t use the excuse that you’re thinking of him. You’re not. The very least you can do is give him the choice whether or not he wants to stay.

... you’re thinking of him, regarding his reaction.....