I don’t deserve it, but can I have a handhold please?

[Aichpeel]

Please help me to be strong.

I’ve had an affair, I’ve ended it, and now I need to be strong and stay no contact. I’m anxious, and very sad and overwhelmingly guilty.

Thank you.

*obviously there will be residual guilt, but not ongoing guilt You’d have if you carried on. How long has it been going on for?

I disagree about keeping it from your husband. He deserves to know about the true state of your marriage so he can decide if he wants to stay together. It isn’t fair to say you’ve done the right thing now so it isn’t worth telling him

Maybe if it’s upsetting you so much you should leave your husband and let him start a better life without you and you can carry on with this other guy?

As with @pushmepullme Handhold from me. No caveats.

I assume when people say ‘get yourself counselling’, they mean pay privately? In other words, don’t waste the NHS resources because someone feels crap about an affair they had?!

Can you live your life keeping this secret from your husband, I know I certainly couldn't. Be honest with him and hopefully you can work together on whatever your marriage was lacking.

No one knows your circumstances to judge you, however that's not to say I condone what either of you have done.

If you can't work with your husband your better off apart

Let this be the wake up call to address the problems in your marriage.

Good luck.

Life is complicated, handhold from me too. I was cheated on so know how awful that is, and it truly is shit, but you have ended it which is good. Worth spending time with your counsellor trying to work out why this happened in the first place and whether your marriage is salvageable. If not end it and leave yourself free to start again with a clean slate (not the AP).

Wouldn’t it be lovely to live in a world where everything is so black and white 😣. MN can be a great and then such a terrible place.

I don’t agree with what you did OP but I’m sure there are many many factors at play. You need time for you and to work out what you want and need.

What is fair on your husband. What you can live with moving forward.

I wish you well. Just remember tomorrow is another day, and nothing is every as bad as you expect

Don't confess. Deal with your own shit and don't dump a load on his head. Unless you want your marriage to end, keep it to yourself. You did something wrong don't make someone else suffer for it. If you are unhappy anyway, leave the marriage.

I'm always amazed by the double standards on these threads.

Your husband deserves to know so he can make some choices for his life.

Tell your partner, some honesty would make you feel better.

Do you want to stay in your marriage?

Don't tell your husband. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
If you tell him, he'll not trust you again. He'll probably not trust anyone ever again.

I had an affair and I am not a shitty person.

The person I had an affair with is now my husband and we have 2 beautiful children 😊

Hand hold for you OP xxx

I was there once too, it's painful beyond belief x

Is your marriage definitely worth saving OP or - honestly - are you better off separated?

Hand hold, certainly.
Do not tell yet. Once divulged it can never be undone. Confessions can be self indulgent
Perhaps you will rebuild your own respect. Perhaps you will leave him later,
It would be a surprise if he didn't know something was adrift.
Please Please. Do not lie if challenged by him.
ignore sanctimonious perfect people.

One man I know of said "as long as you have come back"....

No one ever gets sympathy on here for having an affair, I find it odd because I’m sure there are many on here who have cheated on their husbands and haven’t been found out?

OP, I do agree that you need to work out what led to the affair, do you want to stay in your marriage? Should you leave your dh because your obviously not fulfilled in the relationship?

@wildcherries

I agree
If this thread had been written by a man .......

I wonder what responses a man would be getting? Your husband deserves to know so he can decide whether he wants to save the marriage or not. I’d want to know if someone I thought I could trust had an affair. None of this “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” nonsense, you deserve to face the consequences. I’m sure you’re not a wholly bad person but no sympathy from me.

You are aware now, act on it and do the right thing. Leave if you can’t, no need to make someone else go through shit, put yourself in his shoes FS!

No handhold from me I like to keep my hands clean. Maybe your husband could do with a handhold if you decide to do the decent thing and tell him. Disgusting behaviour OP.

Couldn’t you just not have said anything? What exactly do you think being that spiteful is going to achieve?

If you want to stay with your husband and you have no intention of seeing your affair partner again then I wouldn’t tell him if he’s not likely to find out. I think you’d be doing it mainly to make yourself feel better, not to do the right thing by him. I’m assuming this was a physical affair, I know this incredibly intrusive, but have you thought about arranging an STI test?

No judgement here. You’ve made a brave step, now stick with it. Use the counselling to explore what your unmet needs are in your marriage and whether you think you can emotionally recommit. Make sure you stay no contact with Other Man.

Well said "felixowl".

OP, can I suggest 2 poems you can read? For every human emotion, and every experience, there's a poet somewhere, who has put pen to paper about it.
"Love after love" by Derek Walcott.
"And nothing is ever as perfect as you want it to be" by Brian Patten.