I cannot stand this lack of common sense anymore

[magicmarker11]

I have nc for this but I'm a regular, Sistine chapel, penis beaker, snapped and farted etc..

I am at the end of my tether with Dh. I actually shocked myself earlier because I really saw red and I don't know what came over me.

I've been with Dh for 7 years, we have 4dc between us but none together, they are from previous marriages. I love Dh very much and we get on great at a basic level. He's kind and caring.

BUT.. he has literally no common sense. In 7 years he has not made one edible meal. He even ruins tortellini. He thinks it's funny. It isn't.

His dc, my dsc, come for tea every Tuesday, and stay eow. I feed them entirely. Today, I had a headache and went for a lie down. He asked what he should make for them, I said chicken and chips. After half hr I go downstairs, and check the oven. For some reason known only to himself, he dumped a load of grated cheese on the chicken breasts before putting them into the oven. Then, he randomly decided to put a piece of bacon on each of them. Not wrapped around, just sitting on top. Of course, the cheese had all just burned away and was smoking everywhere and the bacon had stopped the chicken underneath cooking at the same rate as the rest of it so there were patches it was still raw. And the chips! For some reason he'd dumped a huge pile of chips on a tiny oven tray, in a pile, so that the top chips were burned and the ones at the bottom still raw. Most of the meal in the bin. I lost it. I'm not proud. I yelled at him. I crashed pans about.

I am just so sick of feeling like the only adult in the house. It's not just that he can't cook. He never tries to learn. He just takes it for granted that I will cook for him and his dc constantly.

It's other things too. He won't drive. He has a licence, but he refuses to drive, says he doesn't like it. So I am having to learn on top of everything else.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

He wouldn't go into the pet store today to get some food that our cat badly needs, he'd gone to pick up his dc from school and taken my ds with him, he said he couldn't face going into the pet store with all 4 dc in case they played up. They're not babies, they're 12, 10, 9 and 7. They probably would have just waited outside.

He never plans anything for the future. His ideal day would be him, alone, with his PlayStation.

We're financially dependent on each other, we both earn but we wouldn't be able to live in this house without each other. I don't want to split up. I just want him to care enough to learn to cook some basic recipes, to not make me feel like he's another one of my dc. Is it so much to ask?

Am I being a nasty cow?

He could be dyspraxic and trying to cover it up by pretending he doesn't care.

As far as I know being dyspraxic doesn't make you not make the effort to spend time with you kids. Or leave the house without saying where you're going in a huff thus removing yourself from parental responsibility.

He's a shit dad. Anything else aside, that's clear. I'm unclear why that's something OP is willing to tolerate and enable.

@Annasgirl

Well OP I can see that despite us all telling you that you need to leave this man hold for the sake of your health and your DS’s attitude to women and parenting, you are going to plod on and keep doing his parenting, his cooking and his cleaning. I really hope that some day you realise that you and your son deserve more - I mean his ex already knows his own children deserve more.

I think this is how it's going to be.

I think I need to be less harsh with him.

Bollocks. You need to toughen up. If you can be bothered, I certainly couldn't be.

He works yes, full time for a major bank.

Give your head a wobble, OP! he's not helpless!

I know it can be hard to accept that it's all deliberate, years later and I struggle to accept it about my ex husband too.

He's taking you for a mug just as he did his children's mother until she got wise. Couldn't do anything right for her? LOL Sure!

As far as I know being dyspraxic doesn't make you not make the effort to spend time with you kids. Or leave the house without saying where you're going in a huff thus removing yourself from parental responsibility.

This^^

I know dyspraxic people who make a huge effort to overcome the problems associated with living with this - they're hugely-caring parents and very responsible.

NH, he's just a wanker. I have one and am biding my time, primarily becauae he will go for 50:50, yet he will not fmeet DCs basic needs.

Mine can't crack an egg. I refuse to help him. He cannot butter bread, he asks me like for help like a 6 year old. I once thought he has dyspraxia too, but doesn't dyspraxia affect fine motor skills? He can play a console for hours so they must be OK. He's just a lazy arse.

You said in your OP that you love him very much and that he's kind and caring.

Why do you love him very much? What does he do that's kind and caring?

You said in your OP that you love him very much and that he's kind and caring.

Why do you love him very much? What does he do that's kind and caring?

OP think about all the threads you’ve read on mumnset over the years you’ve been on the site. If you weren’t the OP on this thread, what would you be thinking and what advice would you give?

Why have you put up with this for 7 years? How can a man like this be remotely loveable? Why do you love someone who treats you like shit, treats his kids like shit, and is a whinging piece of shit? What attracted you to someone like this in the first instance?

You’ve mentioned counselling for your partner, but think about getting some for yourself too to work out why your relationship standards are so low and why you”love” someone who treats you like you’re one of his pieces of shit.

And don’t fall for the BS about him saying he wants to die whenever you challenge him about anything. That’s a very common tactic designed to keep controlling you.

You have just one life. Don’t waste it.

I don't understand why you don't take their games consoles and sell them on eBay. Tell them you have no idea where it is a and watch while they search for days. I would.?

@SimonJT How can your partner physically manage to iron but not cook?! Surely ironing requires more physical capability/dexterity??

There's no excuse to not be able to cook basic meals.

You can meet him half way and teach him to cook, but if he is deliberately useless (the oven chips suggest this - who can't read instructions!) then he won't want to learn.

[quote Welcometothe36to40Box]@SimonJT How can your partner physically manage to iron but not cook?! Surely ironing requires more physical capability/dexterity??[/quote]
He has a specially adapted iron and ironing board, the iron has a tall round grip that he can grip by using his elbow, a little bit like the one in the picture. The ironing board is on the floor so he can use his bodyweight for pressure. He can’t fill it so I have to be there to do that.

*His last marriage failed because he said he couldn't do anything right for her and she criticised him constantly. Hmm.. familiar now!+

He doesn't get on with her. She's reluctant to let him have the dc much.

She resents him. As you will. Once that path is started, you can’t go back. She probably hates him less than she did, but the fact that she knows he can’t and won’t do the work of actually being a dad and would rather lose his marriage, home and kids that actually bother with them.

The kids aren’t bothered with him, because he isn’t bothered with them and gives them nothing in the way of care or love.

Is this how you want your ds to grow up and learn from? Seriously?

The dsc mother isn’t stupid- she knows full well what is going on and I dare say that when you leave this fucking awful man, she’ll allow your ds and her youngest to interact if that’s what they want?

Get advice from a decent solicitor and work out what your entitlement is and how your future could be.

The sooner you do this, the less hatred you’ll feel for him.

You know the therapy won’t work - because he already knows what he needed to do to prevent his first divorce, to prevent him losing his first marital home, his own kids. That wasn’t enough to make him think or change. So he won’t ever change now.

You have to sit yourself down and ask yourself if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. You have to accept the possibility he won’t change and you have to think about how that will make you feel and how it will shape the man your ds will become.

For me that’s the critical part of this.

@Tappering has nailed it, particularly the last three paragraphs.

Also sorry I can't remember the posters name but this is so important to stress for future generations of potential man babies...

Mothers and fathers of sons - teach your boys to be capable, kind, self sufficient and not entitled

Women do not by default owe men a free pass for contributing to cooking, cleaning or raising children

You know the therapy won’t work - because he already knows what he needed to do to prevent his first divorce, to prevent him losing his first marital home, his own kids. That wasn’t enough to make him think or change. So he won’t ever change now.

This^^

The rational part of people know what they need to do to change. They know that they're not behaving like adults and that isn't sustainable unless they offload all of their responsibilities onto someone else without telling them that upfront. They know they're not prepared to bring anything but ingratitude and need to a relationship.

But, it's not the rational part that's in control of their behaviour. At every choice point when they could do the right thing (read the directions on the oven chips; set up direct debit bill payment; clean up something they've spilt; tell the truth), they choose not to, because it works for them in the moment no matter what the consequences.

Yes - I know somebody like this. He originally lied about seeing a counsellor. When that came to light, he carried on lying about it and even tried to forge appointment notifications to prove that he had. He then did start seeing a psychologist, all he's saying about that is that it isn't possible for someone for him to change, he just has to become more accepting of who he is and realise he's a good person.

I've no idea if that's true or if it's realistic that the psychologist isn't working with him to effect change others would find more useful but for him to become more comfortable with his failure to behave as an adult in the personal part of his life. And his resentment that he's not more advanced in his career.

You know that he's perfectly capable just can't be arsed? We all learn andake mistakes when we're learning new stuff but the internet and youtube is full of step by step tutorials of anything you can think of. I first used a drill and hung up mirrors etc at the grand age of nearly 50. I just spent a bit of time researching online and followed the advice.

There must be billions of easy recipes online that he could follow.

My cooking is brilliant but I am naturally messy. But I have a family so i have to make a daily effort to keep my home clean and tidy. There is no other option. I've found ways of making it more interesting by putting music on etc but it is still a drag.

I am not good at organising myself but in order to keep my job, i have had to come up with methods to make sure i meet deadlines and do my job effectively. If i want a job, i can't just use the excuse that I'm naturally unorganised because despite me being good at my job, I wouldn't be effective if I didn't do what I was meant to do at the right time.

You need to sit him down and have a very serious talk with him. That if he wants a relationship with you and his children he has to step up and pull his weight. He has to look at getting himself a schedule or a task list or whatever may help him but he has to research that for himself and trial and error different ways. Just like we all have to.

@SixesAndEights

He works yes, full time for a major bank.

Give your head a wobble, OP! he's not helpless!

I know it can be hard to accept that it's all deliberate, years later and I struggle to accept it about my ex husband too.

He's taking you for a mug just as he did his children's mother until she got wise. Couldn't do anything right for her? LOL Sure!

He's not dyspraxic, has executive function disorder, blah blah blah. He CBA'd. You're his skivvy. That's not love, that's dysfunction. But it's your life, if you want to spend it being Mug No. 2, crack on.

I like a man who's proactive and can get stuff done. I'm sure most women feel the same way. I absolutely couldn't be dealing with this. Don't fall into the trap of thinking it's your job to fix him. You say that he's kind and caring...how?

OP, you sound like a lovely woman who married and absolute tosser. What a waste of space.

Selfish with you.
Selfish with his children.
His ex was well rid.
She cut him loose.
I bet his older children also see him for the waster he is.

He recruited you as his next skivvy.

He is a lazy user.

You deserve more.

Pity you don't realise it.