I cannot stand this lack of common sense anymore

[magicmarker11]

I have nc for this but I'm a regular, Sistine chapel, penis beaker, snapped and farted etc..

I am at the end of my tether with Dh. I actually shocked myself earlier because I really saw red and I don't know what came over me.

I've been with Dh for 7 years, we have 4dc between us but none together, they are from previous marriages. I love Dh very much and we get on great at a basic level. He's kind and caring.

BUT.. he has literally no common sense. In 7 years he has not made one edible meal. He even ruins tortellini. He thinks it's funny. It isn't.

His dc, my dsc, come for tea every Tuesday, and stay eow. I feed them entirely. Today, I had a headache and went for a lie down. He asked what he should make for them, I said chicken and chips. After half hr I go downstairs, and check the oven. For some reason known only to himself, he dumped a load of grated cheese on the chicken breasts before putting them into the oven. Then, he randomly decided to put a piece of bacon on each of them. Not wrapped around, just sitting on top. Of course, the cheese had all just burned away and was smoking everywhere and the bacon had stopped the chicken underneath cooking at the same rate as the rest of it so there were patches it was still raw. And the chips! For some reason he'd dumped a huge pile of chips on a tiny oven tray, in a pile, so that the top chips were burned and the ones at the bottom still raw. Most of the meal in the bin. I lost it. I'm not proud. I yelled at him. I crashed pans about.

I am just so sick of feeling like the only adult in the house. It's not just that he can't cook. He never tries to learn. He just takes it for granted that I will cook for him and his dc constantly.

It's other things too. He won't drive. He has a licence, but he refuses to drive, says he doesn't like it. So I am having to learn on top of everything else.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

He wouldn't go into the pet store today to get some food that our cat badly needs, he'd gone to pick up his dc from school and taken my ds with him, he said he couldn't face going into the pet store with all 4 dc in case they played up. They're not babies, they're 12, 10, 9 and 7. They probably would have just waited outside.

He never plans anything for the future. His ideal day would be him, alone, with his PlayStation.

We're financially dependent on each other, we both earn but we wouldn't be able to live in this house without each other. I don't want to split up. I just want him to care enough to learn to cook some basic recipes, to not make me feel like he's another one of my dc. Is it so much to ask?

Am I being a nasty cow?

but its the fact he put cheese and bacon on the chicken. I'm left with the sense that maybe he actually was trying rather than intending to fail?

Would you be so touched by the efforts of a presumably (at least 30something) woman who had to ask her unwell spouse what she should feed her own children when they came over, was instructed but then put on some extras that were obviously going to burn long before the meat was cooked and make a huge mess in the oven, usually expects someone else to cook for her own children, and to drive her around, AND wouldn't go to make a necessary purchase in a shop with four children, two of them hers, two her stepchildren, in case they 'played up'?

Or does it just look like laziness, weakness, incompetence and poor parenting when it's a woman who can't feed or supervise her own children?

@Pollocking, @magicmarker11 has a son. He’s an only child.

This ‘man’ has 3 children he’s failing to care for.

In 7 years he has not made one edible meal.

omg lol

Well, it gets better and better, doesn't it???

Possibly he has so many kids because he couldn’t manage to work out how contraception worked.

I agree with you entirely @Pollocking, men get applauded for breathing in and out In terms of the most basic and fundamental needs for child care or being a partner while women get criticised for the same. The only group that gets more criticism still are the step mothers...

I haven't read the whole thread.
Does this man have a job ? You can bet your life he doesnt act like that there.
The oldest trick in the book " I'll make a complete mess of it so I wont be asked to do it again " .
He's taking you for a fool , that's all I can tell you

Just out of interest OP, why did his relationship with his children's mother end? I think you probably already know the answer to that though, don't you.

Picking up on something you mentioned though. He has said the kids like to eat pizza and chips and you don't want him to cook that. If you want him to so something, let him get on with it even if that means failing. Let him give the kids terrible food, let him burn dinner. Let him deal with the consequences. You have to let him utterly fail. And then do not fix it either!

Would you be so touched by the efforts of a presumably (at least 30something) woman [...]

Or does it just look like laziness, weakness, incompetence and poor parenting when it's a woman who can't feed or supervise her own children?

No, but I'm also not particularly impressed by a woman yelling at her husband for making a mistake when trying to make dinner for the kids.

He could have just put the plain chicken in the oven.. in fact, that would have been better. But he tried to make it a bit more special. He failed... but after being yelled at in front of his kids, it's hardly surprising he doesn't want to try again.

I'm glad OP isn't going to cook for him and his kids again - she needs to take a step back and let him fail. He needs lots of practice (even if it's just basic pizza/noodles to start with), and to stop being bailed out when things go wrong. But he also doesn't need to be embarrassed and yelled at when he makes mistakes. Which he will - because he's a rubbish cook.

I remember making a pasta sauce with tomatoes and onions when I was learning. I barely fried off the onions and then just mixed the tomatoes in. It wasn't very appetising. No-one's great at the beginning. He's just going to have to work through that stage, and OP is going to have to let him.

He is convinced that he can't so there's no point in trying and that seems to be his attitude with a lot of things in his life. He talks about things like bullying in teen years, and not trusting people.

I accused him of just basically waiting to die and he said that he does.

Is no-one else concerned that there might be a bit more going on here than just a lazy husband?

I hope you stick to your guns OP.

Mumsnet is such a depressing place sometimes. So many women settling for inadequate manchildren or cocklodgers because (a) they mistakenly think that ending a long term relationship is 'wasting years; (look into sunken costs fallacy, if you haven't already heard it mentioned on these boards) or (b) they would rather have any man than none.

If I am more and more grateful for one thing it is that I didn't marry until late in life and even though we are now separated, I chose exDH well in this respect, he had enough respect for himself and for me not to treat me as some kind of slave/blow up doll.

Finally - with regards to his kids - really? That alone would be the clincher for me. Someone who can't even be bothered to make an effort for children they see every 14 days or so would be out the door.

OP we all know men like this. He's a selfish prick. Of course he's nice to you some days, because you do everything for him every day!!

He's the kind of man who expects to be applauded and dawned over for 'babysitting' his own kids solo once in a blue moon I presume.

Totally agree with PP that if a mother is incapable of cooking for her children and supervising them safely herself, she is incompetent and unloving.

A father however can get away with a pat on the head and a 'bless him, what's he like?!' reaction. Unreal.

Mothers and fathers of sons - teach your boys to be capable, kind, self sufficient and not entitled.

Women do not by default owe men a free pass for contributing to cooking, cleaning or raising children.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

Oh and to be honest OP, I'm shocked anyone would want to date let alone marry someone with such a dismissive and lazy attitude to their own children. What were you thinking?!

If he agrees that he's just "waiting to die" , is he interested in changing that or looking into medication/counselling? I mean, what a miserable waste of his life. Does he work long hours? Does he have health issues?

If you're giving him six weeks to buck his ideas up, get him to see a doctor as well as show some initiative about improving things.

I think OP is married to this guy

This is your life going forward OP. Bugger that

His last marriage failed because he said he couldn't do anything right for her and she criticised him constantly. Hmm.. familiar now!

He doesn't get on with her. She's reluctant to let him have the dc much. I get why because she probably knows that I do the lions share of parenting but again, he isn't given the chance to fail. He complains that his 12yo barely comes over but she's of that age.. she wants to see her mates. His 10yo is more interested in Fortnite than he is in him, but again probably normal for the age? However Dh takes it personally. Almost like it's another excuse to feel useless. It's almost like actually being happy would be too much for him? It's hard to explain.

His 7, almost 8yo and my ds are very close and are in each other's pockets when the dc are here. They just want eachother. I think it's sweet but Dh is of the mindset "all they want is their friends, screens and eachother, they don't want or need me" and retracts further into his shell. I always tell him the younger boys would probably love it if he joined their games more, and the 10yo would definitely love to explain fortnite to him. But he's so sure they don't need him that he doesn't try.

He works yes, full time for a major bank. Obviously because of covid we've been working from home and he's become more insular than ever.

I've been googling learned helplessness and this is definitely what it is. However he needs to try and change for all our sakes. I'm going to ask him to go back on his ADs and also get some therapy, CBT, that he can access through work.

I think I need to try to be less harsh with him. It's a culmination of frustration. But he doesn't react well, he sees it as me nagging and bullying him and just sinks further down. I need to make him see I am on his side, but "no I can't" without even trying will not be tolerated anymore.

Reading your OP made me very uncomfortable.
It was like I was reading about my ExH, and I could have written much of what you wrote word for word.

So you both work and earn, but you do all the domestic stuff like cooking as he won't/can't?
You need to stop this now. He is an adult and capable of learning, but you've made it easy for him.

I spent hours trying to show ExH how to cook something more than a pot noodle and how to use the washing machine - all fell on dead ears.

Fast forward 6 years, DP is younger than me and has no DC of his own, yet is an excellent step dad to my 3. He wasn't used to cooking when I met him, yet now, he does over 50% and it isn't beige food either. He isn't a massive fan of vegetables, yet does a great variety of them for the DCs because its healthy.
He does over 90% of the washing and a huge chunk of the housework.

You could have this too, but not with the useless lump you're with now. However sweet and funny he may be at times, this WILL drive you to distraction in the end.

His 7, almost 8yo and my ds are very close and are in each other's pockets when the dc are here. They just want eachother. I think it's sweet but Dh is of the mindset "all they want is their friends, screens and eachother, they don't want or need me" and retracts further into his shell.

So he's so selfish and immature that he begrudges their friendship... not only that, he turns their happiness into his pain, another thing for him to be a victim about.

Seriously OP, you do realise it isn't your job to fix a man right? You're clearly capable, intelligent and kind. Why are his needs so much more important than yours? Why is his lack of self sufficiency a reason for you to continue to do the lions share of everything?

Why did you marry someone with his attitude to parenting?

You're both teaching your children that daddies are grumpy and hapless and mummies are always busy, do everything for everyone and organise everything.

There has to come a point where it doesn't matter why he is like this, what matters is the negative effect it has on everyone else and the fact he would be perfectly happy to continue letting you do absolutely everything.

Come on OP, do you want to spend the rest of your life teaching someone else not to be selfish?

I think I need to try to be less harsh with him

Why do you think that, OP?

Honestly, life in a partnership shouldn't involve having to put in all this work into the other person being an even averagely competent parent, cook, housemate etc.

But he's so sure they don't need him that he doesn't try.

That is the most self-deluding thing I've read on Mn, but I'm not sure whether you're deluding yourself or he is -- no parent genuinely thinks that a SEVEN-year-old just needs a friend and a screen!!! And by your own account he can't handle all three of his children together, even for short periods to do a chore, AND he can't cook for them either???

He sees very little of his children anyway, and when he does see them, he uses screens to 'babysit' them.

Hello Fresh night work for him? All ingredients there and set instructions

Bullshit he has executive processing disorder and he wasn't 'given a chance to fail' by his ex. He's a lazy manchild. Quit looking for excuses for him and continually enabling him. Of course he got angry with you for pulling him up on his continued programme of planned incompetence. He CBA'd. He's fundamentally a sexist, entitled man who sees anything outside of paid employment as women's work, including his 3 kids.

Of course his ex doesn't want them around him much, she knows what a weak, lazy, shit excuse for a parent he is. His excuses are just that, designed to make you feel sorry for him and them and carry on allowing him to live his life of PlayStation and doing FA.

Start working on yourself and why your standards and boundaries are so low.

Buckle up, because this is going to sound harsh.

His last marriage failed because he said he couldn't do anything right for her and she criticised him constantly

I suspect what he construes as 'criticism' was actually desperation as she did what you are doing now, in the face of his absolute laziness.

She's reluctant to let him have the dc much

I don't blame her. If the situation was reversed would you want him having your children?

I get why because she probably knows that I do the lions share of parenting but again, he isn't given the chance to fail

You're making excuses for him. Would you really have let him feed raw chicken to young kids? And given his response - the fact that the look on his face leaves you feeling that he won't make any effort at all, it's not about not being given a chance - it's the fact that he refuses to even give it a try.

His 7, almost 8yo and my ds are very close and are in each other's pockets when the dc are here. They just want eachother. I think it's sweet but Dh is of the mindset "all they want is their friends, screens and each other, they don't want or need me" and retracts further into his shell

Bollocks. He's a shit parent. He wants everything to be easy peasy and on his terms. He wants the kids to flock round him with no effort whatsoever, but he wants you doing all of the actual parenting whilst he floats around like a part-time fun uncle. And strangely, because children don't tend to be that keen on spending time with people who obviously aren't interested in them, he's taking the hump over it. He sounds dreadfully immature and I'm not surprised his Ex doesn't want the kids coming over - she probably knows fine well what his attitude is.

I always tell him the younger boys would probably love it if he joined their games more, and the 10yo would definitely love to explain fortnite to him. But he's so sure they don't need him that he doesn't try

Again, because he wants everything on his terms. And because the children don't tailor themselves to his vision of parenting, his answer is to not bother with them at all. His entire attitude is appalling.

He works yes, full time for a major bank.

Interesting that he manages to hold the shit bits of a job down, eh? Almost as if the "learned helplessness" is an active choice he's making.

I've been googling learned helplessness and this is definitely what it is. However he needs to try and change for all our sakes. I'm going to ask him to go back on his ADs and also get some therapy, CBT, that he can access through work.

There's no "try" about it. His approach will be so damaging for the children, who can clearly see that he doesn't give enough of a shit to even try and make an effort with them.

I think I need to try to be less harsh with him. It's a culmination of frustration.

I mean this as nicely as possible, but what do you think you can do that his Ex didn't already try? There is nothing harsh about snapping at someone who is so lazy he would have fed raw chicken to young children. There is nothing harsh about being frustrated with someone who cannot be bothered to parent his own children, and who - despite multiple requests - continues to refuse to pull his weight.

But he doesn't react well, he sees it as me nagging and bullying him and just sinks further down

Of course he doesn't react well, because he doesn't want to lose his cushy little number where you run around after him doing all the shit life admin and parenting, whilst he gets to slope about the place like Kevin the fucking teenager.

I need to make him see I am on his side, but "no I can't" without even trying will not be tolerated anymore.

Turn this around; why isn't he on YOUR side? If someone said to you "OP I am so tired and miserable because I am doing everything and you aren't helping enough" would your response be to sulk and stomp around like the person complaining is being completely unreasonable?

This whole "I'm on your side" schtick is just pandering even further to his deliberate selfishness - and creating even more work for you as you have to tiptoe round his precious and delicate ego, because he can't cope with hearing some home truths.

How are you going to cope when one of the kids ends up refusing to visit at all because his attitude is so shit? Or when one of your kids starts getting upset because they can see that he is lazy and disengaged? Is the answer really to show them that lazy people need to be jollied along into making whatever half-assed attempt you can coax out of them?

This reminds of a thread ages ago where the OPs DH repeatedly ruined her expensive underwear in the wash. It was baffling to her that a seemingly competent man would make the same mistake over and over again. There’s usually a reason for learned helplessness like this.

Well OP I can see that despite us all telling you that you need to leave this man hold for the sake of your health and your DS’s attitude to women and parenting, you are going to plod on and keep doing his parenting, his cooking and his cleaning. I really hope that some day you realise that you and your son deserve more - I mean his ex already knows his own children deserve more.

It is absolutely shit that he won't take his kids anywhere or go into a shop with them. He needs to be told that's no longer an option.

He could be dyspraxic and trying to cover it up by pretending he doesn't care.