I cannot stand this lack of common sense anymore

[magicmarker11]

I have nc for this but I'm a regular, Sistine chapel, penis beaker, snapped and farted etc..

I am at the end of my tether with Dh. I actually shocked myself earlier because I really saw red and I don't know what came over me.

I've been with Dh for 7 years, we have 4dc between us but none together, they are from previous marriages. I love Dh very much and we get on great at a basic level. He's kind and caring.

BUT.. he has literally no common sense. In 7 years he has not made one edible meal. He even ruins tortellini. He thinks it's funny. It isn't.

His dc, my dsc, come for tea every Tuesday, and stay eow. I feed them entirely. Today, I had a headache and went for a lie down. He asked what he should make for them, I said chicken and chips. After half hr I go downstairs, and check the oven. For some reason known only to himself, he dumped a load of grated cheese on the chicken breasts before putting them into the oven. Then, he randomly decided to put a piece of bacon on each of them. Not wrapped around, just sitting on top. Of course, the cheese had all just burned away and was smoking everywhere and the bacon had stopped the chicken underneath cooking at the same rate as the rest of it so there were patches it was still raw. And the chips! For some reason he'd dumped a huge pile of chips on a tiny oven tray, in a pile, so that the top chips were burned and the ones at the bottom still raw. Most of the meal in the bin. I lost it. I'm not proud. I yelled at him. I crashed pans about.

I am just so sick of feeling like the only adult in the house. It's not just that he can't cook. He never tries to learn. He just takes it for granted that I will cook for him and his dc constantly.

It's other things too. He won't drive. He has a licence, but he refuses to drive, says he doesn't like it. So I am having to learn on top of everything else.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

He wouldn't go into the pet store today to get some food that our cat badly needs, he'd gone to pick up his dc from school and taken my ds with him, he said he couldn't face going into the pet store with all 4 dc in case they played up. They're not babies, they're 12, 10, 9 and 7. They probably would have just waited outside.

He never plans anything for the future. His ideal day would be him, alone, with his PlayStation.

We're financially dependent on each other, we both earn but we wouldn't be able to live in this house without each other. I don't want to split up. I just want him to care enough to learn to cook some basic recipes, to not make me feel like he's another one of my dc. Is it so much to ask?

Am I being a nasty cow?

@nancybotwinbloom

Can you teach him to make five basic meals over five nights.

For the love of god, if he gave a shiny shit he could teach himself!! YouTube etc.

The cooking thing is possible to overcome if he wants to, and it does sound like he tried on this occasion - he just totally fucked it up.

But the attitude towards his kids would be a deal breaker for me. He sounds like a lazy arse. I couldn't live with someone like that.

If you broke up you could maintain a relationship between your son and the step children.

I would try cooking meals together, if someone has never cooked they haven't made the countless mistakes to know for example not to pile chips or to keep stirring a pan to stop it sticking. I would get the children involved too, the older ones should be able to independently make simple meals. Family bonding and learning all in one.
Maybe a games night for you all? Board games or maybe some kind of group quiz game on the PlayStation?
Do learn to drive, it is worth it - but he needs to do his share too!
To make this work there does need to be changes and a big talk, good luck op 💐

I have googled executive function disorder and do you know it really does ring true in a lot of ways so thank you to the posters who mentioned this.

I agree it is really unattractive and I do worry I will end up despising him. I want a life partner not another child.

He's home now. Went straight upstairs without saying a word to me but I was on the sofa with my ds. I think he's waiting for an apology but he isn't getting one.

I have googled executive function disorder and do you know it really does ring true in a lot of ways so thank you to the posters who mentioned this.

I agree it is really unattractive and I do worry I will end up despising him. I want a life partner not another child.

He's home now. Went straight upstairs without saying a word to me but I was on the sofa with my ds. I think he's waiting for an apology but he isn't getting one.

Oops double post

Sounds like he recruited you to raise his kids, since you got together within weeks? Months? Of his youngest being born, and now you’re not obeying, he’s getting angry.

OP, does it really matter if it’s can’t or won’t? Either way, you end up picking up the slack. I suspect my friend’s ex-wife would have said the same as you, that she loved him, he was funny and kind and clever, and they had young children together, but the truth is that he made her life much, much more difficult than it need have been. Like yours, he’s a weak father, and a lazy and passive person who will do nothing unless it’s absolutely necessary (in his view). Since he ended the marriage — because he ‘wasn’t suited to family life‘, which he found too challenging despite his wife doing everything — he has sat playing PS4.

Let him stew and when he gets over himself have a proper chat. That it's about time he learns how to adult if he wants your relationship to last the distance.

Don't back down, he has to work it out for himself. He can start with cooking, sounds like he needs the practise until he gets it right.

@iknowsparklinglime

Your right but the op doesn't seem ready to leave at all. Or want to.

Just trying to think of ways to make it easier for her in the current situation.

Why do you say he is kind and caring?

He doesn't care enough about his children to learn how to provide basics for them like simple meals. He has more interest in his phone than his kids. He cares so little for the cat's welfare that he couldn't be bothered to buy the cat food. He stropped when you called him on his bullshit and left you minding his children.

Seriously? Just what is kind or caring about him? Think about what his children's lives would have been like with him for the past 7 years if you weren't around - probably plonked in front of tv and screens eating mcdonalds until he eventually let contact dwindle away.

I bet his ex could have written your post.

I can see your dilemma - you probably love his kids by now adn your ds definitely does but in the end of the day he is not going to change. He really isn't. So you accept that you are the adult in the room and you are married to a quite nice funny teenager who contributes financially but really wants to be playing playstation rather than interacting with anyone or living an adult life. You need to figure out if you can live like that because you might as well try to get blood from a turnip as get him to change.

Research this, teach him that, talk to him...no. You're twisting yourself up like a pretzel because your husband has himself 3 children he needs you to take care of. Imagine your calm, happy life with just you and your DS to pay for and look after. The silent treatment is also a sign of a controlling man. I would get rid. There's a saying you shouldn't have to teach someone how to behave like a normal, decent human being

That isn’t lacking common sense, its being lazy and selfish.

My boyfriend can’t cook etc because of a physical disability, but he can vacuum, iron and dust so thats what he does because he isn’t lazy or selfish.

If you’re partner doesn’t want to clean thats fine, he can pay for an arrange a cleaner. If he doesn’t want to cook again thats fine, he can pay for and order dinner in.

Now you know why his first relationship broke up.

So presuming this is not a new thing (as being able to cook and organise oneself and then losing the ability would really be odd), why did you marry him? Did you not think this might cause problems in living together long term?

I wonder about your common sense more op.Why are you choosing such a waste of space? you say he doesn't even look forward to his kids coming over, and that is the type of man you choose?

He's a lazy selfish prick, but how come you are only noticing this now? I would not be able to find a man this incompetent and useless attractive in any way! I expect (a lot )more of my teenage son than this, he is perfectly capable of cooking dinner, and cleaning the house too. You need to hold onto your anger, let him see that you won't put up with this shit! But I expect you've left it too late for that.

I think we just get used to doing everything, overtime more and more work gets added to our pile until one day we just collapse under it. Of course he can't do anything, he doesn't need to, he has his lovely partner do it for him. I would give a reverse apology, let him know you have done the wrong thing taking on too much at home, and you shouldn't have let it get to breaking point again. Now you have to take a big step back, stop doing everything, let him try to do stuff and muck it up. He will eventually learn that doing washing means clean clothes, and cooking will mean a full tummy. Pretend he is a teenager who needs to learn how to survive on his own. You will need a lot of patience, but maybe give it a go.

OP while I was in this situation and literally floored by my exhaustion of living with this, these are the lines I copied and pasted from Mumsnet below to help my thinking. I did go to counselling, and then with him. He was picking up no mental load and even, tasked with a few things to act on via the counselling sessions, failed to manage to do them. It was obvious then that he wouldn't or couldn't change - he was lazy or incompetent Or both. I left him and I now have an enormous sense of freedom despite all the worries that you have: hope these lines might be interesting:

I simply could not be with a person who happily sat back and let me take on the burden of everyday life by myself. Someone who didn’t really care that I did more than them, or worse, didn’t even notice. It would be an absolute deal breaker.

I wanted a partner, not another child to look after and clean up after.

I wanted someone to share the load, not add to it.

I got sick of carrying him and thought life would be easier without him. He added nothing and made life so much more difficult. Life is much easier without the useless waste of space in my life.

He sounds like one of those people who does things thoughtlessly or badly so that they’re not asked to do them again- basically so that they can be parented by another adult. He’d drive me mad- possibly with the cooking alone, but certainly with the combination of things you’ve talked about.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

This was the clincher for me. He's a lazy man child, and I couldn't be doing with someone like this.

He’ll never learn

Because you pick up the slack

He’ll never change, sorry

It’s not lack of common sense, it’s deliberate. He’s playing you OP

@Pikachubaby

He’ll never learn

Because you pick up the slack

He’ll never change, sorry

It’s not lack of common sense, it’s deliberate. He’s playing you OP

Agree with this. You cook, drive, entertain his dc - in his mind why should he do things when you always do the things he hates? No wonder he is so nice to you in other ways, he's onto a winner.

I'm sorry, OP - sounds infuriating.

Can I just say something about executive functioning. Lack of it doesn't affect everyone equally and I'm not discounting the possibility that he does have a genuine neurological problem. However, it doesn't quite work as often depicted.

I am an autistic adult and my executive function is pretty awful. When I left home I had no life skills as no-one had taught me any (some of us have to be specifically taught, we don't just learn through osmosis). Since it's less of an option to go through life as a female who can't basically function, feed self, turn up to appointments on time etc, I taught myself, from scratch, in really basic/idiotic ways. Like for your chicken and chips meal, I'd have to go and look up how to make that as I'm not a big chip eater and I'd probably screw up the timings and burn something if I tried to improvise. I rely on notebooks, task lists, digital reminders and alarms. I'd be pretty lost without them, but I just wanted to get out there that it is possible to overcome an amount of executive dysfunction, with effort and coping strategies that are not an overburdened spouse.

I also notice that this excuse, if it is an excuse, is often applied to men who function fine in the workplace and fall to bits in a helpless pile at home. If it's true exec dysfunction you'll have issues at work too. Despite workplace adjustments to help me, I have a long track record of 'careless' errors. I'm painstakingly careful and triple check my work, but brain doesn't always cooperate and things fall through the cracks. I also can't drive as my sensory processing is such that it'd be unsafe, and I'd probably lose the car forgetting where I parked it / leaving the door open / keys in.

If he's like this in all areas of his life, it may be something worth exploring. If it's just at home and just when you're there to pick up the slack, I conclude a diagnosis of manchild.