I cannot stand this lack of common sense anymore

[magicmarker11]

I have nc for this but I'm a regular, Sistine chapel, penis beaker, snapped and farted etc..

I am at the end of my tether with Dh. I actually shocked myself earlier because I really saw red and I don't know what came over me.

I've been with Dh for 7 years, we have 4dc between us but none together, they are from previous marriages. I love Dh very much and we get on great at a basic level. He's kind and caring.

BUT.. he has literally no common sense. In 7 years he has not made one edible meal. He even ruins tortellini. He thinks it's funny. It isn't.

His dc, my dsc, come for tea every Tuesday, and stay eow. I feed them entirely. Today, I had a headache and went for a lie down. He asked what he should make for them, I said chicken and chips. After half hr I go downstairs, and check the oven. For some reason known only to himself, he dumped a load of grated cheese on the chicken breasts before putting them into the oven. Then, he randomly decided to put a piece of bacon on each of them. Not wrapped around, just sitting on top. Of course, the cheese had all just burned away and was smoking everywhere and the bacon had stopped the chicken underneath cooking at the same rate as the rest of it so there were patches it was still raw. And the chips! For some reason he'd dumped a huge pile of chips on a tiny oven tray, in a pile, so that the top chips were burned and the ones at the bottom still raw. Most of the meal in the bin. I lost it. I'm not proud. I yelled at him. I crashed pans about.

I am just so sick of feeling like the only adult in the house. It's not just that he can't cook. He never tries to learn. He just takes it for granted that I will cook for him and his dc constantly.

It's other things too. He won't drive. He has a licence, but he refuses to drive, says he doesn't like it. So I am having to learn on top of everything else.

He's a weak father. He doesn't look forward to his dc coming. He interacts with them but interacts with his phone more. He would never ask for more time with them. I take them out places as he just can't be arsed.

He wouldn't go into the pet store today to get some food that our cat badly needs, he'd gone to pick up his dc from school and taken my ds with him, he said he couldn't face going into the pet store with all 4 dc in case they played up. They're not babies, they're 12, 10, 9 and 7. They probably would have just waited outside.

He never plans anything for the future. His ideal day would be him, alone, with his PlayStation.

We're financially dependent on each other, we both earn but we wouldn't be able to live in this house without each other. I don't want to split up. I just want him to care enough to learn to cook some basic recipes, to not make me feel like he's another one of my dc. Is it so much to ask?

Am I being a nasty cow?

What you say you want in a relationship is not what you will have with him, so you have to stop thinking that it will all be perfect if he’ll change his behaviour. He won’t. So either you suck it up and be his mummy, or get rid. Easy thing to say but it will take a while for you to work out what you want in your life and if this is what you want forever. And forever is a very long time.

This would make my head explode but the problem is, as others have said, you have been picking up his slack so he doesn't have to be a functioning human being. Stop doing it! Make him learn, and be a grown up. Otherwise nothing will change. I certainly wouldn't be driving his kids around either, because he doesn't like driving.

It's interesting to hear your thoughts about Executive function Trisfal

I think some of the behaviours described are definitely laziness - why won't he interact with his kids? That's just being a shit dad, not a disorder.

I feel for OP who is clearly dealing with a man baby but:

He even ruins tortellini

Is surely peak Mumsnet...

So much great advice thank you.

We had a long discussion last night. I told him that things have got to change. I told him I won't be cooking for him anymore and that when his kids are here he needs to do better. His argument was that the kids like easy food like pizza and noodles. I said it shouldn't be like that every single time and that he needs to learn to make at least a few basic meals. I know he won't though, something about his face told me there's no way he's going to try. He is convinced that he can't so there's no point in trying and that seems to be his attitude with a lot of things in his life. He talks about things like bullying in teen years, and not trusting people.

I asked him why he never shows any passion for any plans that I have for a feature. He said he doesn't see the point. I accused him of just basically waiting to die and he said that he does. I said I need more than this, I need someone who wants a future with me not someone who is just content to exist.

I told him he has six weeks to show me that he wants to be with me and have a future with me. In that time I'm not cooking for him and I'm not carrying him. I will still cook for the children because they shouldn't suffer because of the way he is. He was very angry with me that I shouted at him in front of his children he said that that will cause them to disrespect him, however I think he does that on his own. However I will apologise to the children because I shouldn't have screeched in front of them.

Don't be an enabler OP. He has what you call "learned helplessness". He sounds like a non starter. He won't change and don't try to convince yourself he will. Do you really want a life like this?

It sounds like a good chat and well done for laying your cards on the table.

My advice would be to use this 6 weeks to get yourself sorted out for if/when things don't work out. Get a plan together - what does separating look like in terms of living arrangements etc. I wouldn't make a big deal of it but neither would I hide it.

This does two things; firstly it shows him that you are completely serious with your ultimatum and that this is not an idle threat. Secondly it means that if he doesn't make any effort and you call time on the relationship, then you are ready to act straightaway rather than having to start from scratch.

And do not settle or back down!!!

This isn’t about common sense OP, he’s basically lazy. I can’t abide laziness, and couldn’t have any respect for a man like that.

Learned helplessness. There was a long running thread in relationships a while ago about this. I really feel for you. I could not live like this nevermind have sex or feel attraction for someone that treats me like this!

I think youre right to consider the kids first and foremost in all of this and how much it could devastate them going through another break up or divorce. Definately go try some councelling or similar.

My dp can't cook, I have no desire or need to go within 10 foot of anything he's conjured up. He happily cooks for himself but the DC and I would probably rather eat out the bin than go near anything he's conjured up......in fact 10 years on ds still brings up the savoury rice and pork chop he once cooked him.

He still pulls his weight tho, he'd buy cooked chicken, salady bits and crusty breads / coleslaw / pasta etc.

He's a good dad, when the DC were younger he'd take them on days out and weeks away to give me a break. He still does with ds who has disabilities.
It sounds like his inability to cook is the least of your worries tho, I'd struggle to share the same airspace with a man who had such little interest in his own children.

My DH can't cook. Has zero interest. DS has mild executive function problems and I suspect he gets it from DH who, most likely, also has mild executive function issues. However, and this is the key thing, DH realises that there are times that he needs to be able to feed the family because I am out/sick/bored and has put effort into ensuring he can prepare a few very basic meals - sausages and veg, spaghetti bolognaise (he only whips this one out for special occasions - still finds it very stressful ), fish fingers with veg and chips, breakfast for dinner etc. Also pancakes and boiled/scrambled eggs for breakfast. If I try to explain how to prepare something extremely simple but different, I can actually see and hear the stress build up in his body - he literally can't process that information quickly or easily.

The difference is that he has no desire or interest in cooking. And he finds it very hard. But... he is a grown man with children who therefore understands that he had to work really hard to master a bare minimum. Which he has done.

In summary, he has a history of deliberately fucking up basic tasks in an effort to make you give up asking him to pull his weight and force you to do everything for him.

You're not the nasty one in this equation.

My ex husband did this. One example: he completely ruined the garden by digging up hollyhocks and peonies when I'd asked him to do a bit of the weeding. And cut down a clematis growing up our apple tree. "I didn't know", was always his excuse.

He made damned sure I never asked him to do anything he didn't want to do again. It took me a very long time to realise he wasn't just lacking in sense.

OP your partner sounds exactly the same. He's an arsehole.

I'd be showing him this thread he has a option to learn and grow or to leave.

I'm coming from a place where I also had a lazy entitled man child and two young DS. He was exactly as you've just described minus the driving, he would "pretend" to be awful at shopping, cooking and cleaning.

I now know this was absolute bullshit as I got to the point you are at, had a weird breakdown told him he either stepped up and turned into a adult or left.

And 6 years on if I didn't want to I could live in this house without lifting a finger, hes good at everything in fact he's now better at cooking then me, he gets moany if the shower screen is dirty he tells the boys off for messy bedrooms, he changes bedding, sorts washing etc, just feels so normal and 50/50 split.

First year was all a bit drama with him announcing every single clean, but I soon stopped that.

So I wanted to say they are capable, it's just a case of wanting to reprogram a grown adult male of not!!

He doesn't sound kind and caring at all. Not being physically or emotionally abusive isn't kind and caring. It's just not quite as obvious.

He's neglectful. He's neglectful of his children, neglectful of his pets, neglectful of you.

He sounds horrible actually

Well I'd use the 6 weeks to plan to leave because he won't change, he's already excusing himself. You may love your house but you won't in another 7 years when you've spent it with this man child who can't take care of himself and your home feels like a prison.

Good luck OP. Hope he makes an effort.
My Dad was a learned hopelessness expert. Bit by bit he got my Mum to do everything around the house. It's pathetic behaviour.

I'm reading this a bit differently to everyone else.

He’ll never learn; Because you pick up the slack

Why did you 'rescue' the meal today? (i.e. throw it away?) Why not point out the problems and leave him to fix it?

He could have spread the chips out (binning the burnt ones), taken off the bacon and fed the kids a slightly odd version of chicken and chips. Then he'd have needed to clean the oven when it was cooled down because of the cheese that had dripped.

At least that way he wouldn't have put cheese on the chicken again without a tray to catch it, and he might remember to spread the chips out next time.

What's happened instead is he's tried, made some mistakes, and got screamed at and embarrassed for it. I'm not surprised he's reluctant to try again.

I know he won't though, something about his face told me there's no way he's going to try. He is convinced that he can't so there's no point in trying

It sounds like he actually did make an effort today - adding the cheese and bacon is something he didn't have to do, but he was trying to make it nice... and then you screamed at him and binned it.

I get that he's lazy, and I get that he doesn't want to do the cooking. But when he actually does try, do you let him make mistakes and fix them? Does he 'think it's funny' when he burns the tortellini because he's actually embarrassed and trying to pass it off as a joke?

I'm reading this a bit differently to everyone else.

You seem to have a higher tolerance for strategic incompetence than most, it's true, @LannieDuck. Or perhaps you subscribe to the 'Oh, men can't see dirt/follow a simple recipe, bless them' philosophy which continues to indulge and perpetuate the kind of crap the OP has put up with for years?

@LannieDuck I can imagine doing what you suggest if you’re referring to a young teen trying to learn to cook but to pander to a grown man in that way is ... well it’s odd and I don’t get why you would. He’s not a poor precious lamb in need of a scouts badge for Trying His Very Best, he’s an incompetent twat who continuously can’t be arsed. OP shouldn’t have to mummy him by explaining everything and helping him learn from his mistakes for the 1,000,000th time. She’s not his mummy, she’s meant to no be in an equal relationship with a partner.

I do agree that strategic incompetence shouldn't be rewarded... but its the fact he put cheese and bacon on the chicken. I'm left with the sense that maybe he actually was trying rather than intending to fail?

So @magicmarker11 WHEN he hasn’t made the slightest improvement in 6 weeks, and because you’re bailing him out with his kids again where is the requirement for him to actually step up.

What - out of interest - did he do when his relationship with his ex was over before he found you to step in and care for him/his kids?

How long was he single and how on earth did he survive without either starving or poisoning himself/his kids.

This guy COULD do the basics, but he doesn’t WANT TO

You’re being taken advantage of. He’s an appalling parent, it’s setting the worst example to your dc and to his. His kids are his (and their mother’s) responsibility, but you’re responsible for your dc and the example you’re setting is not positive- you know this.

Time to face up to the situation as it is.

My advice: teach those boys to cook. Family cooking with everyone having a job to do - even littlest setting table and doing other jobs. He can learn to cook alongside them

For their sake and the sake of everyone here with daughters, don't let them look at his behaviour and think that is acceptable.

@ LesNanas, I totally agree. It shocks me on MN the low standards women have for men.

OP, he will not change. He is not unable to do these things - he does not want to. Look at what you are teaching your DS about how men treat women - why are you giving him such an appalling role model?