My husband thinks I'm autistic...

[Heartofstrings]

Ok I don't know if this is going to be inflammatory. It isn't meant to be.

We are going to be seeking a diagnosis of mild autism/aspergers for my eldest child. A friend asked whether I had thought about the potential genetic link and whether I thought I had it. Asked about my school experience, etc..

I brushed this off but then did one of those silly freebie online assessments. It came up as highly likely. I approached my husband and his response was "well it could make sense."

We are having a few marriage issues so I guess I'm posting for guidance on what I should do now

If you want to be assessed then request an assessment. Requesting one won't mean you get one and attending an assessment won't mean you're diagnosed even if you meet the diagnostic criteria.

Its just absolutely astounded me that my friend suggested it was a possibility and my husband has agreed

Loads of women are undiagnosed, and unfortunately it can take years to be assessed as an adult.

How do you feel about the idea? What are the problems in your marriage?

I'm not sure the online assessments are 'silly' not sure why it astounds you either. If you want a diagnosis go to your gp for a referral. It won't change who you are but might explain some things.

It sounds as though both your friend and your DH are being very gentle in their comments. Do you think they have a point?

Why do you think the thread could be seen as inflammatory? Do you have a negative attitude towards people on the spectrum?

I'm not surprised you're shocked , this may change everything you feel about yourself. However a diagnosis of mild autism/ Asperger's doesn't actually change anything but perspective and maybe more understanding of yourself . Loads of people who have aspbergers lead normal lifes. This is even more common in women as they are able to learn certain behaviours and characteristics that they feel they should know. i have three family members with autism and have considered if I could have aspergers in the past, although I don't feel I do, and you may come to the same realisation.

It's not a silly online assessment. If it was the AQ test then it's the same one as the professionals use. What was your score?

Also you cannot seek a diagnosis for 'mild' autism. It's likely to be ASD, of which is a varied spectrum. I was diagnosed with aspergers a few years ago bit this is dying out as a disgnosis.

I think you have more reading up on the subject to do and if those around you think so, ask them why they think this is likely in you.

Women often can cope & cover-up (even if unconsciously) with being on spectrum very well, and often go un-diagnosed. I agree that your friend and DH have obviously seen traits in you that you are oblivious to. You may not even be aware of certain things you do or say that might be perceived as a 'bit different', 'quirky' or even 'odd'.

Get tested by a professional. One side, they say you arent on the spectrum- end of for you- and support your child. Other side, you are on the spectrum too and both you and your eldest child get help and support to learn more about it and to support each other.

Everyone I have known who has received a diagnosis as an adult has had to seriously battle just to be assessed. For some of them that was because being female and "difficult" enough to push for what you need from mental health services carries the risk of being given a "personality disorder" label so they can justify refusing to deal with you - and getting a malicious PD diagnosis overturned is not easy.

Other than being able to make better sense of themselves I am struggling to think of an example of any support they received post-diagnosis without a huge battle. I think some of them were pretty scarred by the process of getting their diagnosis.

There are no resources so gatekeeping is what constitutes ethics now in MH services.

I realised I was autistic when my daughter was assessed. I saw that her responses were in line with mine so if she was, then I was too. Sure enough a few years later I got formally diagnosed too. It's not uncommon for one to unlock diagnosis for others in their family.

Can I just clarify, before it goes any further, aspergers isn't 'mild' autism. ASD is characterised or at least it always was, in the event its recently changed) as high,moderate or low functioning
None of those are 'mild' and refer to cognitive fumction/intelligence. 'Mild' refers to how those around the individual perceives their autism and is nothing to do with how severely impacted an individual is.

Everyone I have known who has received a diagnosis as an adult has had to seriously battle just to be assessed.

Or you can go private.

You sound like you feel that your friend and DH have somehow been offensive - they really haven't. Like PPs have said, it's quite common for girls to go undiagnosed - I got diagnosed with Aspergers 2 years ago (I'm now 51) and that was only because, like you, I was going through the process of getting DS assessed and when I was filling in all the forms for him I was thinking - "why on earth are they asking that? Doesn't everybody do/think that?" for loads of the questions, which was a sudden dawning for me that I might be on the spectrum...

talk to your GP to get an assessment (if that's what you want - it's not compulsory). In my case I'm glad I did as it's helped me understand myself a lot more. Good luck!

I’m pretty sure I have autism ,I’ve 2 dc with it ,and a dh with it ..
I’m Choosing to not get a diagnosis, because there is absolutely no help available, there’s hardly any for my dc ,so not likely to be any for an adult

I would pay. Not that we particularly have the funds.

I have a background in education so don't have any ill feelings towards anyone with autism or aspergers. I just know that it is a sensitive topic for people to self diagnose.

I called it a silly online thing as it is one of those free ones where you answer about 25 questions - so nothing like a thorough assessment.

Marriage issues - husband says I dont see things from his perspective and it's always about me. I often feel disconnected from him despite craving intimacy and affection. I also feel he doesnt pull his weight around the house- his view is I dont see what he does do. I know I also tend to fixate on things - my mum has complained about our phone calls before.

That is interesting, user. My young adult son is considering asking for an autism assessment. He never showed classic signs of autism so I never thought of it when he was a child, but he has struggled in many ways, which we now see point to asd. Thinking it would be difficult to get this via a GP at the moment, I enquired about the cost of a private assessment and was quoted close to £2000.
So obviously we went back to the idea of going via GP, but it doesn't sound like it would be an easy road to take.

That's probably the best, most non inflammatory response he could give. It's not saying you are, you brought it up, he's not dismissed it or you - if it makes sense to him as a possibility, perhaps you do have some behaviours that match.

Get assessed. If you are diagnosed, great, it gives you something to work with. And if not, well, it's been discounted, that gives you something to work with, too.

Asking on here though - that's not going to help, as one person will say 'oh, it's just an excuse because he hasn't done the washing up' and another will say 'oh yes, absolutely, not noticing he's completely redecorated the house but fixing upon him not doing the washing up is totally Autism'. Find out what a professional thinks.

I’m currently being assessed - took 2 years waiting. I’d always been different, but it was when I had my eldest I realised how obvious it was. He was me! Looking at my family, there’s a strong genetic link.

I can’t understand you might be shocked but this is not a bad thing. We’re in a similar position as seeking a diagnosis for our son made us realise we should get one for my husband as well. It means we all understand each other much better. This could be really great for you.

My husband said the same. Once he mentioned it I asked a few people and they all looked at me in amazement as if I'd asked if I had two legs. Since I've read up about it I concede he's probably right but I'm too scared to ask for a referral and we don't have the funds to go private so I guess I'll never know for sure.

Have a read through some of the signs and symptoms of autism in females and see if any of them seem to fit you. There are also youtube videos on symptoms of females with autism.

Be careful when searching that you search for symptoms of females with autism as many sites deal with symptoms in males only and women are very good at subconsciously "masking" their symptoms on order to fit in and in fact have "taught" themselves not to behave in certain autistic ways.

It does run in families so if you suspect your child is autistic, its not that unlikely that you or your husband or even both of you are autistic

You mention difficulties in communication with your mother and running in families may mean that you have to look at your parents as well.

There is a section in mumsnet specifically for mumsnetters who are autistic/special needs and lots of threads in there detailing routes and difficulties of getting assessed , it can be very challenging getting an assessment as an adult female as many GPs are unaware that its even a thing and/or are stuck with outdated views that autistic people have no compassion etc. Many go private to get diagnosis.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnetters_with_sn

Some argue that no diagnosis needed and everyone has to make their own decisions , be aware that a diagnosis is not some magical thing that makes things better, in many ways its just the beggining and there is often a bereavement process once diagnosed.

If you do get a diagnosis either self or by a professional, it can really help you with some of the challenges you face in life and understand why you do and react in certain ways.

MyBassIsAce Thank-you for posting sense about that ridiculous misconception "mild autism"

OP I called it a silly online thing as it is one of those free ones where you answer about 25 questions - so nothing like a thorough assessment
There could not possibly be a thorough online only assessment for autism, it's far too complex a condition.

If you'd like to proceed with an assessment, please make sure the people who assess you are well-versed in diagnosing autism in women, because autistic women and girls present very differently to autistic boys and men. Also please be aware that a lot of the diagnostics are based on the male presentation.

Can I ask a genuine question about the mild autism thing? @MyBassIsAce @BlankTimes
I have a friend with a nearly non verbal autistic child. It's likely my son will be diagnosed at some point. But isn't it unfair to argue that my son has the same as my friends non verbal child? Hence my use of the word "mild." I'm genuinely curious. To me, going through the diagnostic process in our family almost feels insulting to my friend

The confusion comes from having an additional learning disability. Two thirds of autistic people don’t have a learning disability, one third do. Those who do, cannot hide their autism or learn other communication techniques.

The autism itself will affect everyone differently, there is no mild or extreme, it’s the learning disability that is the difference, not the “quantity” or mildness of the autism.

If you are looking for a private assessment www.asperger-training.com/autism-diagnosis-assessment/ are good. Sarah is autistic herself and knows her stuff. I know a few people who’ve used Skype to have an assessment with her.