My husband thinks I'm autistic...

[Heartofstrings]

Ok I don't know if this is going to be inflammatory. It isn't meant to be.

We are going to be seeking a diagnosis of mild autism/aspergers for my eldest child. A friend asked whether I had thought about the potential genetic link and whether I thought I had it. Asked about my school experience, etc..

I brushed this off but then did one of those silly freebie online assessments. It came up as highly likely. I approached my husband and his response was "well it could make sense."

We are having a few marriage issues so I guess I'm posting for guidance on what I should do now

If it damages your relationships and causes you to need medication then yes it meets the criteria as they are significant negative impacts.

Sometimes negative impacts aren't obvious and sometimes they are. My DH is also autistic. He has a very successful career and a happy marriage with wonderfully autistic kids and he is very happy with his life. But he has never had a friend, other than me, in his entire life. Whereas I have lots of friends, but I've never been able to hold down a job. I can get jobs as I can mask through an interview, but I can't maintain working relationships with other people.

*or means to

OP, have you considered trauma as a possibility? Did you have a difficult upbringing, or abusive relationships?

The markers of autism can overlap with the markers for trauma - which would be highly relevant if your current partner is problematic and attempting to convince you that you are autistic, potentially to divert your attention from his own behaviours.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/neuroscience-in-translation/201810/autism-and-ptsd-similarities-and-differences

Temple Grandin is worth reading. She is so practical and down to earth. She says some things that I really agree with:

• don’t just get a diagnosis for the sake of it. If you do, don’t let the diagnosis define you or excuse you, get it is it is useful to you and your relationships.
• Always be specific, what exactly is the problem, which can then follow more easily what exactly might help the problem.

So you say that it damages your marriage and friendships? That is getting more specific. Try to get more specific. In what way would you say? Are you happy with your marriage and friendships? Why not? Does your husband find some things difficult? Do you find some things difficult about him?

Where does your personality end and autism begin... which is not really accurate as it is all you. If it even is autism. And where do autistic traits end and ‘autism’ begin? You could get tangled up in here. I’ve seen people get a diagnosis and then refuse to compromise with their husband or wife because ‘I can’t change it’s just my autism’ - or as the non autistic person - label everything their partner does as ‘well it’s because he’s autistic’ - which isn’t great either!

Getting a diagnosis may help, but if you haven’t the money then it may help just as much to get reading about autism and relationships - read broadly and listen to ted talks etc - watch relevant stuff on TV - some might resonate, some might not.

One thing that people have said can help is developing a greater ‘Theory of Mind’ - read up about that. Seeing things from another’s perspective. It could simply help not to assume that you know what your husband is feeling or thinking. Just ask him more.

Are you very rigid in thought? Do you have arguments with people and they get frustrated? Again, this may be a case of just steering away from issues that make you frustrated, and give yourself more time to take in another’s point of view.

None of these may apply... but on balance - imho I’d read up but not necessarily bother with a diagnosis. If it helps I’ve come out high on online tests for autism myself - weirdly enough I’m fine socially and intuitively but have massive sensory problems and a bit of an organisational freak. I don’t think it’s worth getting myself diagnosed - however I am learning to be kinder to myself about some things, like irritating other people with my really acute sense of hearing, smell etc!

Great post from SummerCherry there.

OP, if money is tight, I'd cancel and get a refund for now, and keep exploring it yourself. Keep talking to people here and Google autism forums and resources.

Then talk to your DH about how it would benefit you and try to come to an agreement about it.

@SummerCherry thankyou for your post. It was really helpful.

A prime example today... my husband is busy decorating so I am looking after the children. He's just taken a half an hour break to have lunch. But now I see he has taken a break I told him I should have a break. We disagreed. I see he needs to stop and not so physical activity all day. But actually I didn't think about it until he said. I still just want a nap even though I think it's unfair.

Short term friendships are fine. Longer term friendships harder as I believe I take more than I give. I talk a lot and I think that can be frustrating as I dominate.

I actually think my husband is very patient. Hes in no way abusive.

I had to quit my job as a teacher because I couldn't handle the noise and unpredictable nature.

I find my children's demands challenging.
I've been overwhelmed with the mess and chaos of decorating and cant handle trousers today so am just in pants

I get the overwhelmingness of decorating chaos. I go into meltdown mode when my order is messed with. I can't handle it at all.

Same with friendships. Easy to make, hard to hold on to. They're fine to begin with but then it starts to feel oppressive and too much so I run away. A common trait in females with autism is a history of being completely dumped by friends with no idea why you've gone from friend to enemy in the blink of an eye.

Actually it's more friend to no longer existing than enemy.

I've been ghosted several times. But just mostly people stop responding and decrease contact gradually from an intense friendship. I prefer having no friends as it's easier but I'm weirdly a sociable creature

@MashedPotatoBrainz

To get a diagnosis your autistic traits have to impair your life in a clinically significant way. If life is ticking along fine and there is no clinically significant impairment then you don't meet the diagnostic criteria.

Wrong.

I'd say my life ticks along well and I got a diagnosis.

OhYeahYouSuck
Apart from being goady, maybe you'd like to enlighten everyone as to how your life "ticks along well" I suspect you have a lot of interventions in place to facilitate that.

From the NAS
HOW WILL THEY DETERMINE THAT I AM AUTISTIC?
The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests (this includes sensory behaviour), since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning'.
www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

Note the bit about to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning
Without that, a diagnosis is not given. MashedPotatoBrainz is not wrong in her statement.

Some people with autism have fantastic lives, for example the Tech industries and academia have a very high level of employees with autism and their business and social lives are much more geared towards acceptance of autistic people and autistic behaviours. www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-46538125

However, being an autistic person in a totally NT environment can be very difficult to cope with, both in a working environment and socially.

Interventions to accommodate someone's autistic needs can help a lot, but there's a long way to go before the needs of autistic people are met.

Don't accuse me of being goady. I'm not and you know zero about me except I have a diagnosis.

Apart from being goady, maybe you'd like to enlighten everyone as to how your life "ticks along well" I suspect you have a lot of interventions in place to facilitate that.

WTF?!

What patronising bollards. Why would you assume that any given person on the spectrum has “a lot of intervention”?

My dd was diagnosed my the Lorna Wing Centre and she wasn't given a level of autism. Just ASD. From the other point of view @SummerCherry my dd often misses out on support because she is high functioning and masks so well. People think she doesn't need help. She's in mainstream, but really doesn't cope well, I'd love the option of SEND school for her because she very intelligent, but the communication and social stuff causes her extreme anxiety (suicidal thoughts from when she was 5-6 years old).

Autism is a spectrum of different needs. Not mild or severe. My daughter presents mikdy, but the impact on her is definitely not mild.

Do you mind me asking what your traits are?

Autistic here. Diagnosed at 40.

Before that I managed to get a degree, a master's, a graduate diploma and a few professional qualifications. I struggled at work but held down full time professional jobs for many years. All without any 'interventions' whatsoever.

Autism is a different way of thinking and engaging with the world. It isn't a learning difficulty (although these can be comorbid) and many of us live challenging but on the face of it, successful, lives.

Just a quick question...if your husband says to you he will be there in a minute. When would you expect him?

Means any minute now. Def under 5 min. So it makes sense to wait before starting fuming 😁 What is it for you?

Umm a minute he was probably 3 minutes before I asked him where he was and gave him a bit of a hard time. And appeared at 5 minutes

If I said "in a minute" I mean a short, unspecified amount of time, probably when I've finished the task I'm currently doing. Anything under 10 mins?