My husband thinks I'm autistic...

[Heartofstrings]

Ok I don't know if this is going to be inflammatory. It isn't meant to be.

We are going to be seeking a diagnosis of mild autism/aspergers for my eldest child. A friend asked whether I had thought about the potential genetic link and whether I thought I had it. Asked about my school experience, etc..

I brushed this off but then did one of those silly freebie online assessments. It came up as highly likely. I approached my husband and his response was "well it could make sense."

We are having a few marriage issues so I guess I'm posting for guidance on what I should do now

Made a bit of a balls up...I kind of didnt really think about checking with DH before committing to the assessment. I've paid £200 as a deposit. He says it's crazy money and I shouldn't have arranged something so expensive without talking about it first. I just didnt think to....

Hopefully you've sorted it out now.

If not, agree to save as you normally do to have a fund put aside for him for the same amount of money that your assessment will cost in total, so when he needs private healthcare in the future for that amount, he can have it without asking too. Then just carry on with your finances as normal.

Our finances are a bit dire. We have a very low income. To me it's money well spent. Husband disagrees.

The deposit is refundable. I might leave the.deposit with the company but cancel the appointment for now. He wants me to get the money back

@MyBassIsAce

If you want to be assessed then request an assessment. Requesting one won't mean you get one and attending an assessment won't mean you're diagnosed even if you meet the diagnostic criteria.

Why so?

Why not get the refund and try to get a referral through your GP? It may take 2 years or whatever, but you know the answer already really and it's just a formality.

getting a malicious PD diagnosis overturned is not easy.

How do you know this?

@LesNanas

Why on earth would it be insulting to your friend or her child?

Your thinking about this is odd. It’s very usual for one family member’s diagnosis to prompt others.

When my godson got a diagnosis aged about five, his father realised he was likely to have autism himself and got a diagnosis in his 40s (which absolutely improved his work life in particular) and from reading things along with my friend (his wife) at the time, I realised my own father met many of the criteria, and it explained much of my childhood.

How did a diagnosis improve his work life?

Do you think I would be able to get a gp referral? If feels so wrong. I just dont feel deserving of the diagnosis. It doesnt feel real

I just dont feel deserving of the diagnosis

You're jumping the gun a bit there by assuming you'll be diagnosed. Not everyone who goes for an assessment is diagnosed, only the people who meet the criteria are given a diagnosis.

It's the same with any medical diagnosis. You will see one or several medical specialists, they will read any information you've sent ahead, maybe get you to do some tests, ask you some questions then they will score your answers to their questions, then if you meet the criteria, you will be given a diagnosis, there's nothing to "deserve"

This thread is odd.

I was diagnosed nearly 3 years ago aged 40.

Asperger's isn't mild autism.

Either you meet the criteria or you don't. They'll assess you thoroughly and go through how you are now and what you were like as a child.

There's no shame in it. It made sense of my struggles throughout my life and has helped me understand myself better. No-one is being offensive by saying that you might be. Obviously if you are the most neurotypical and yet misunderstood person in the world, then I can see why you might find it hurtful to be told you might be different. But maybe you are?

FWIW, I self diagnosed first and then had to fight for a referral and then had to wait for another two years. Lots of women my age slipped through a net that didn't even exist when we were children.

The autism itself will affect everyone differently, there is no mild or extreme, it’s the learning disability that is the difference, not the “quantity” or mildness of the autism. This just isn’t true. It’s not just ‘different’ - there are definite levels of severity which need a little support or a lot of support.

This ‘there is no mild’ is making me increasingly angry. Why? As this argument is saying there should be no more support for people with autism who need it more - ie. those more severe. And this is bearing out as ‘one size fits all’ is being offered in several cases with scarce resources and those kids and adults who cannot speak, understand language, have severe self harming, no concept of danger, little independence, unable to feed themselves, or go to the toilet or all the many things which are absolutely part of autism and NOT just ‘another disability’ or even necessarily about lower IQ - are not being given the support they need as they are even denied the voice to say ‘I’m more severe - I need more support’.

And berating the OP... Jesus give me strength. OP your husband only seemed to say that you might be autistic because of the computer test so that sounds fair enough, you were asking or bringing it up. It’s totally up to you. Do you feel it would be useful? Do you feel that you need any help or clarity? Does your husband feel that it’s a big deal in your relationship? In a sense it’s what you feel or others observe (rightly or wrongly) that is an issue that could be helped with better insight and practical ideas to help. That might mean an assessment, or it might just mean reading up a bit, identifying areas that you might feel help you etc. Or not, maybe there are many positives there also.

Asperger's isn't mild autism. Well really it is, or was. It was the term for ‘higher functioning’. Now it is more likely to be Autism - level 1 (needing some support) and will have no language delay. Which is quite different from a child with language delay.

A lot of people see "mild" autism as an offensive term, see here for an explanation of the spectrum
neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

[ quote] People who can speak aloud and have reasonable control over their motor processing are often called “high-functioning,” and yet these autistics often struggle with employment, relationships, and executive function.

My doctor recently referred to my autism is “mild.” I gently pointed to my psychologist’s report which stated that my executive dysfunction as being greater than 99th percentile.

“That means I am less functional than 99% of people. Does that seem mild to you?” I asked her.

But, you see, I can speak, and I can look people in the eyes, so they see my autism as “mild.” My autism affects those around me mildly but my autism does affect me severely. [/ quote]

No diagnosed autism is "mild"

Asperger's isn't mild autism. Well really it is, or was. It was the term for ‘higher functioning’.

No it wasn't. The difference between Asperger's and Kanner's is language development. If there was a delay then the diagnosis was Kanner's/Classic autism, if the there was no delay then it was Asperger's.

'Higher functioning' in autism has never meant anything to do with severity of symptoms. It relates solely to IQ. An autistic person with an IQ above 70 is high functioning regardless of whether they have Kanner's or Asperger's or PDD/NOS autism.

chaoticgood

I wondered and suspected exactly the same thing. It's the new abusers' charter.

My autism affects those around me mildly but my autism does affect me severely

^

Absolutely spot on.

I haven’t been diagnosed, but we went through the process with dd recently and if she has autism, then I very likely do as well.

I’m not bothering to pursue it because at this point it doesn’t matter. I have a successful career and a happy marriage. The only thing a diagnosis would give me would be permission to accept that I am ok just as I am. I can do that on my own.

So every single person with autism should get exactly the same resources and supports?

Someone who CANNOT function independently at all should get the same resource and support as someone who can?

Because this is very serious. By insisting that ALL autistic people have the same needs and same ‘severity’ then this does translate into where resources are put - money, respite care, access to therapies...

I am beyond angry about people who don’t need as much support as others - insisting that they really do. You have an affect on others. It is fine to say ‘I have some extreme anxiety or extreme deficits in executive functioning that I want to get counseling or resources or whatever for ‘ - this is OK.

What is NOT Ok is saying that therefore that means I am just as severely autistic as the kid with no language banging their head against the wall every day wearing nappies.

There are autistic kids and adults out there with carers who are absolutely desperate for the financial and healthcare supports - and your simplistic arguments for ‘all autistics are the same how DARE anyone suggest some are more severe’ - are directly negatively impacting advocates trying to get more resources for those in need.

The nomenclature on mild really is tricky. Dd is highly intelligent and is able to navigate the world quite well, she just has some anxiety because it is hard. In another generation, she would be an “absent-minded professor” or “quirky”, both or which are descriptions that fits me perfectly.

I just think it is unforgivable to be denying very severely autistic people the voice to get their supports (which has to include arguing that they are severe) just because as an autistic person able to live independently (albeit with some needs) you don’t like the term ‘mild’ as it makes you feel that you are not taken seriously enough - in conversation.

I do think there has been tipping point where now more independent articulate autistic people are causing harm to more severe people with autistic people by hogging the limelight from others who are more severe, talking about their experience as if it is ‘the’ experience, and insisting that there is no ‘severe’ is like cancelling those severely autistic people out.

Like a forgotten people. Pretty awful really.

In terms of supporting my ds, a quicker diagnosis would be easier. I would like to know for my own peace of mind. Never in a million years can I afford a clinical diagnosis though.

In terms of the whole "mild" thing... sometimes I find marriage and relationships hard to navigate and I can be quite egocentric by nature. But I don't feel like I want or need support. I function well, albeit with some anxiety and fatigue.

People on this thread seem to be thinking I do show autistic traits. More examples do keep coming to me as i fill in the assessment form. But I think mostly I mask well and aside from seeming a little selfish and making the odd faux pas, not many people would spot it. Therefore surely mild is an ok term

To get a diagnosis your autistic traits have to impair your life in a clinically significant way. If life is ticking along fine and there is no clinically significant impairment then you don't meet the diagnostic criteria.

That's interesting. I would say it damages my marriage and friendships are hard. I suffer from depression and am medicated. I don't know if thats enough

I think it’d help the whole family if you got a diagnosis. I hope you can find the money it means to.