My husband thinks I'm autistic...

[Heartofstrings]

Ok I don't know if this is going to be inflammatory. It isn't meant to be.

We are going to be seeking a diagnosis of mild autism/aspergers for my eldest child. A friend asked whether I had thought about the potential genetic link and whether I thought I had it. Asked about my school experience, etc..

I brushed this off but then did one of those silly freebie online assessments. It came up as highly likely. I approached my husband and his response was "well it could make sense."

We are having a few marriage issues so I guess I'm posting for guidance on what I should do now

Why on earth would it be insulting to your friend or her child?

Your thinking about this is odd. It’s very usual for one family member’s diagnosis to prompt others.

When my godson got a diagnosis aged about five, his father realised he was likely to have autism himself and got a diagnosis in his 40s (which absolutely improved his work life in particular) and from reading things along with my friend (his wife) at the time, I realised my own father met many of the criteria, and it explained much of my childhood.

@Straycatblue I just watched the video you attached. It is ME through and through from beginning to end

@LesNanas why is my thinking odd? Genuine question

Well, you suggested in your OP that your post might be 'inflammatory', but the post was about a possible autism diagnosis for a child and a friend asking whether you might yourself be autistic, and your husband thinking it was a possibility -- what on earth might be seen as 'inflammatory' in this, in your view?

And then you suggest in your update that it might be 'insulting' to your friend with an almost non-verbal autistic child to seek a diagnosis for your own child -- why do you think this? Would you get treatment for a mild ear infection or would you fear that to do so looked 'insulting' to a profoundly deaf friend?

@Heartofstrings as soon as I read your post, alarm bells went off for me. Of course I don't know enough about your situation to know if this could be you, but I want to tell you what happened to me, just to give you another possibility to consider.

I could have written your post 10 years ago when my emotionally abusive ex was in the process of convincing me I had autism in order to make me the "sick one" in the couple, just as he'd done with his "crazy" ex (his word not mine!) before me although in her case it was "Borderline", the go-to diagnosis for abusers everywhere.

I would have written exactly this:

Marriage issues - husband says I dont see things from his perspective and it's always about me. I often feel disconnected from him despite craving intimacy and affection.

My ex accused me of not paying him enough attention, of not emotionally supporting him, and wanting too much time alone - but I felt as you do, I felt disconnected and lonely. I actually had the idea myself that I might have Aspergers but it was just one of those ideas that people have and and think about for a bit and then then forget about. Or it would have been if he had not latched onto it and started using it to explain everything that he thought was "wrong" with me.

He said that Aspergers was the reason I couldn't connect to him, the reason I was failing to give him as much emotional support as he wanted, the reason I didn't enjoy sex with him.

I am quite introverted, I need some amount of solitude and peace and quiet (I was the only child of bookish parents, so that makes perfect sense without positing any disorders), I studied analytic philosophy and I work as a programmer. I'm also more blunt and honest than most women (but nowhere near what I'd be like if I genuinely expressed myself! I'm actually holding myself back all the time). So it kind of fit - except it didn't.

The real reason I wasn't paying him attention was that a) I was working very very hard and long hours, and b) I didn't actually like him very much. I was going off him but I didn't want to admit it (even to myself). I didn't fancy him any more, and stopped enjoying sex with him but I kept pushing myself to do it with him anyway as I was afraid of the relationship ending. That was the only thing "disordered" about me, which I have now gotten over, thank goodness! It was a deep fear of being alone (yes I enjoy solitude for short periods but that is different from facing life entirely alone, which frightened me! I think that's also from being an only child actually, feeling lonely as a child and slightly traumatised by that, but I digress).

For a long time I wanted to believe I was autistic because I thought it would solve the relationship problems. If my "bad" behaviour was due to a disorder then it wasn't my fault and maybe he would stop constantly criticising me and I would stop feeling like a bad person. I remember thinking "Either I have autism or I'm just a really shit person - selfish, boorish, shit at relationships, unable to be intimate, unable to love" becuase those were the things he said about me.

It got so that was our truth - we believed it, without needing an assessment (hard to come by, and also I feared I would "fail" it, showing I was a fraud and actually just a horrible person after all!). We believed it because it was just "so obvious" (although I was never quite as convinced as he was). But instead of lessening the criticism and insults, it only made things worse.

He started using my supposed autism as a weapon against me. It was textbook gaslighting though I didn't know about the concept at the time (but oh how I know about it now!!) When we had arguments he'd dismiss my point of view and say "You can't understand what I'm feeling because you're brain isn't wired that way". If I got upset at his behaviour he would say "You are upset because you have trouble processing emotions". He told me I was simply unable to give him emotional support and therefore I had to give him more sex in order to "pay" for the emotional support he was giving me (!!). Apparently being in a relationship with me took so much energy (because of my disorder) that I owed him big time.

He even told me that he thought his daughter would suffer as a result of having me as stepmum because of my inability to relate to her. It was vicious and he made the whole lot up. I've had relationships before and since that have been emotionally and physically intimate and mutually supportive. I have deep friendships lasting decades. But I forgot all of of this under the barrage of emotional abuse I was receiving on an almost daily basis.

Eventually I spoke about all this to my Dad (after not doing for years because I was ashamed) and he put it all in perspective for me. Knowing me and knowing the guy yet having an outside perspective, he was able to see right through it and "cut through the crap" as it were. Within weeks I was out of there, and starting to build myself again from scratch. My self-confidence was shot, I had all these negative thoughts about being bad and unloveable and damaged ... but with therapy and help from family and friends I got back to my usual arsey, irritating self, joyfully wreaking havoc in the world

Anyway, thank you for reading that and I hope it is not your situation but if it is then perhaps this will help you to see it for what it is.

Also, you are correct not to trust the online questionnaire. Often these online psych tests are unprofessional, and are heavily biased towards suggesting you have some condition, so that the people behind the website can sell you therapy, supplements or diet advice. They often rely on stereotypical personality traits or habits that can belong to anyone. Many people without Aspergers work as computer programmers, excel in mathematics, prefer quiet forms of entertainment, etc. And everyone at some point feels socially awkward, craves solitude, or finds it tiring constantly having to deal with other's feelings and perspectives (especially women as we are socialised to do this). Some people are direct and blunt, either as part of their personality or just at times when they are tired or stressed. None of this means they are autistic.

Google infant reflexes not going dormant as this can lead to some autistic traits and it also runs in families. We have autistic traits in our family - some of it is actually learned behaviour ie my father never looked me in the eyes and I realised I was looking at people’s faces rather than in their eyes...but it was because my parents didn’t look me in the eyes rather than because I had ASD. If you have parents with poor communication skills it means they could not have taught you good communication skills and you would not have been able to pass these on to your child. My son was diagnosed bordelined ASD at 5, a therapist decided at 10 to have him assessed again after he was having bullying issues in school and she thought this was due to ASD - we then followed the infant reflex brushing programme. By 12 when he was assessed for high functioning ASD the specialist said it was clear he had had some autistic traits but he no longer had them and did not have ASD.

Good to see your response @chaoticgood although I'm so sorry that happened to you and hope you're doing much better now.

But it's something I was wondering how to say in a non-offensive way: are you sure you're not being manipulated by him instead and blamed for things in your marriage that aren't your fault (especially if nothing else around autism rings any bells).

Then again in this case, a friend suggested it first.

For me, being diagnosed with autism was a revelation, a missing puzzle piece. It explained so much of my childhood and life and it definitely fits and explains things, including obsessions, weird sensory issues and a long, long history of communication problems. It wasn't just one person messing with me.

OP, you've probably done some reading around by now. What are your feelings on it all? Do you think it makes sense to you or could your husband just be using the idea to blame you?

@ZaZathecat IDK who quoted you 2000 but I reckon you could get it for quite a bit less than that. I saw a private consultant for a while. You would only need 2 appointments I think- one initial appointment and another for the actual assessment, which would be a bit more expensive. I think you could get it for £1200 or so.

Obviously if someone can go via the NHS for free then that's better. But a private diagnosis can also make it easier to get an NHS one.

I'm not earning due to disability, but prioritized it and paid for it out
@Heartofstrings Do you feel your husband was saying it to try and be nasty, or reasonably? If it was just 'name calling' or another thing in a long line of things to accuse you of, then that's verbal/emotional abuse.

Of course it could even be both- he can see it but was also being wankerish about it.

I was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic traits in my 40s. Having a diagnosis has helped me as it makes sense of how I've struggled with socializing throughout my life, and it helps me forgive myself when I cock up.

Self-diagnosis can often precede getting a 'real' diagnosis of something.

It's true that a lot of people do realize they have it/have traits after a child is diagnosed.

This sounds sooo familiar! Both my boys have ASD, ADHD and Tourette's. So life is never dull! I've spoken to many 'experts' and what I thought was my autism coming out in my later years turns out to be PTSD (previous life traumas, nothing to do with DC).
Every single thing is just so easily misdiagnosed, and we're the ones left holding the fort!
Even if you have, so what? You're still the same person you were when you woke up x

Don't be upset, that your husband agreed with your friend, @Heartofstrings . My 43 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with Autism. It seems to have "freed" her in some way, to help her understand things she does, and to accept them as part of the autism. She has a successful life, marriage kids business, etc.
In her case, her husband also mentioned it, after their son was diagnosed, and it all made complete sense to her.

@Heartofstrings It's because like very many people, you're not thinking of or seeing the autistic spectrum in the correct way.

It's not a linear scale graded by ability or presentation, it's much more complicated.

There's a brilliant explanation of the autistic spectrum here neuroclastic.com/2019/05/04/its-a-spectrum-doesnt-mean-what-you-think/

A simpler one in comic strip form the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

It's also possible for people to have autistic traits, but for them not be autistic. This is the diagnostic criteria from the National Autistic Society HOW WILL THEY DETERMINE THAT I AM AUTISTIC?
The characteristics of autism vary from one person to another, but in order for a diagnosis to be made, a person will usually be assessed as having had persistent difficulties with social communication and social interaction and restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests (this includes sensory behaviour), since early childhood, to the extent that these 'limit and impair everyday functioning The part I've highlighted in bold is the important bit for diagnosis. www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

This booklet is one of the best I've read about sensory processing which is now included in the diagnostic criteria for autism. www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

Glad you liked the Tony Attwood video - he didn't realise his own son was autistic for over 30 years, which just goes to show that even the experts aren't always aware that what's ordinary for them may well be seen as very different by other people. www.theguardian.com/society/2017/sep/25/why-the-world-expert-on-aspergers-took-30-years-to-notice-condition-in-his-own-son

Asperger's isn't diagnosed any more, something to do with Hans Asperger having links to nazi party. The terms High Functioning and Low Functioning are also controversial because the general population tend to think HF equates to 'Could pass for NT' which of course is totally wrong.

The NHS diagnostic process can be a very long one so do be prepared for that in both your son's case and your own. 18 months to 2 years was average pre-Covid-19.

SNChat and SNChildren are both busy boards in the SN section and are a great resource for parents. Do have a look there if you need any strategies to support your son. I see you've already had a link to the adult neurodiversity support threads.

It seems like every other person is "on the spectrum" these days. Almost as if its a fashion and some kind of affliction/disease.

Your statement stung a bit there Arnold and I'm not sure why, because I've eyerolled myself at the way its mentioned too frivolously online sometimes. Husband ignores you? Autistic! Newborn won't look at you? Autistic! Like staying indoors and not speaking to people? Autistic!

But I have to say, my own journey and diagnostic process was pretty rigorous and intense. It didn't and still doesn't feel like a fashion statement, and I don't feel cool or anything like it. I still feel pretty small and vulnerable and disconnected from most of the world.

I do wonder if we're just becoming more aware of it though, and if in the older, quieter, more routine-driven days with smaller communities, people masked a lot better.

I wouldnt be surprised if it went from a predicted 1% of the population to 10% or something if we ever get proper diagnostic tools like brain scans or blood tests.

I think saying its fashionable to have autism is a bit rich. And saying every other person has it indicates 50% of the population... Really? You need to maybe think before speaking sometimes. i have family members with autism and I volunteer with a group of autistic adults (zoom classes at the moment), and I don't think anyone would choose to be autistic.

First of all, if you are diagnosed as being on the spectrum, it will open up a whole new way of viewing your past. You'll think of events where, I don't know, you've been upset or acted in a certain way, and then it'll all make sense and you'll think, "Ohhhh, that's why I behaved like that," etc. It'll also make you more aware of current behaviours - you'll have a much clearer understanding of yourself and can therefore work on yourself in the right way.

I was diagnosed in February at the age of 35. It freaked me out a bit because I don't like change and this diagnosis was a change for me, despite the fact that sweet FA has actually changed since being diagnosed. I also didn't like the label, even though I work with those on the spectrum, my ex partner is on the spectrum and there's a chance my daughter is. I don't care if other people have it but, right now, my diagnosis still hasn't sunk in and I've kind of hidden it from most of my friends and family. However, it has allowed me to understand myself SO much more and has made me accept parts of myself that I never felt comfortable with. I've also been able to learn how to avoid certain behaviours because I'm now more aware of them.

And not everyone finds the term "mild" as offensive. Autism is autism, but it does vary in severity, which I would measure by how much in interfers with their ability to lead a fully functional adult life. You'll actually find a lot of people on the spectrum get funny about labels, but I brush that off.

Lastly, being on the spectrum is not a bad thing. Actually, I find it quirky. My ex was quirky - just like me - due to his autistic traits. I found them very endearing. One of my most favourite parents at work (teacher) was an autistic lady who was just utterly amazing. Hilarious, thoughtful, hilarious - did I say hilarious?

Embrace it. Learn from it. Love it.

What a thought-provoking post @chaoticgood thank you!

I didn't know such a thing existed until I was 41 and got a private- expensive- diagnosis aged 43. It was a relief to know that I wasn't one of life's f*wits (IQ 137), just wired differently, it explained so much and knowing about it helped me to cope. I wish you the best.

I'd ask what you'd gain from having a diagnosis. Is there something you feel you need assistance with? Do you want to have help understanding things that aren't now and a diagnosis would provide a framework? There are loads of other reasons too, the question is what would having this label applied to you change, because you wouldn't change - you're you and your family love you.

From what I've seen a diagnosis can be positive for some people, but for others (and their relationships) less so. There's a difference between not being able to change something in your behaviour and saying "I'm on the spectrum and can't change anything about me at all, you need to work harder to understand me." In effect making everything revolve around the diagnosis, and an excuse for bad behaviour or being lazy in a relationship. If the diagnosis would be a basis to help understand why your DH thinks how he does, AND how you think as well as help him understand you better, then it could be very helpful and make your relationship stronger.

I'm not saying you're like this person, but having a diagnosis can change how you view yourself, with both positive and negative possibilities of his that plays out in life.

Out of interest, what do you think are the bad examples Howlat?

Part of the problem with autism is that you can't change some things even if you want to.

I'm sure I've read somewhere that autistic behaviours can seem even stronger right after a diagnosis because people feel more in tune with it all for a while and don't see why they should have to constantly put on an act. (I can also see how annoying that would be to others mind you!)

I think a potential diagnosis would help gain a diagnosis for my son. I guess I would aim for a non clinical assessment, which I believe is cheaper, as I don't need any support.

@RLEOM this really resonates with me. I have read up on autism in women today and thought "oh ok that's familiar...that explains it"

I think I do react badly to some things. For example, if I have no milk left for my coffee it really upsets me. Like ridiculously so. If examples like this are because of autism then hopefully that will explain it. I cant understand why things like that are a massive issue, but they really are.

For those who have mentioned my husband. Thankyou for your concern. He is brilliant and would never criticise me. He has merely said it could be possible and might make sense.

A bit of self understanding would be useful. I enjoy being social but often don't really know what to do or say. Sometimes I think I talk too much about the same thing and I know I repeat myself a lot. I find socialising very tiring and am often on the periphery of things as I don't know how to act.

@BlankTimes that comic strip was so enlightening. I really understand that. So I can have a conversation with one friend but put me in a group and I wont say a word. Or add music or background noise and it's like I cant even hear.

I figured that because I have a job, friends, kids, the lot, it wouldnt be valid if I got a diagnosis. I dont experience the same level of challenges so it wouldn't be fair

@Heartofstrings

I think a potential diagnosis would help gain a diagnosis for my son. I guess I would aim for a non clinical assessment, which I believe is cheaper, as I don't need any support.

@RLEOM this really resonates with me. I have read up on autism in women today and thought "oh ok that's familiar...that explains it"

I think I do react badly to some things. For example, if I have no milk left for my coffee it really upsets me. Like ridiculously so. If examples like this are because of autism then hopefully that will explain it. I cant understand why things like that are a massive issue, but they really are.

For those who have mentioned my husband. Thankyou for your concern. He is brilliant and would never criticise me. He has merely said it could be possible and might make sense.

A bit of self understanding would be useful. I enjoy being social but often don't really know what to do or say. Sometimes I think I talk too much about the same thing and I know I repeat myself a lot. I find socialising very tiring and am often on the periphery of things as I don't know how to act.

I think the coffee one is because you don't get your coffee if there's no milk in the fridge.

Most coffee drinkers (those who don't take it black) would sympathise with that feeling, especially first thing in the morning - or if they find that the last of the milk went into a cereal bowl and was then not finished off.

@Arnoldthecat

It seems like every other person is "on the spectrum" these days. Almost as if its a fashion and some kind of affliction/disease.

Yeah, I fancied a fashionable affliction so went and got diagnosed. Nothing to do with genuine difficulties. I totes fancied being trendy.

What a pointless and twatish contribution. Do you feel better as you clearly have nothing else to do.

I can resonate with some of the traits you have posted about OP. 1 on 1 conversations with a friend, great! Groups or with lots of noise, hell, and I often can't hear as I can't tune it out. I really struggle with background noise, and noise in general. The small things will also irritate the shit out of me too, the milk thing would really hack me off because in my mind the coffee would be part of my routine or plan, then having no milk would interfere with that so I'd have to adjust my plan for coffee/incorporate getting milk. Stuff like that throws me or makes me irrationally angry.

I also repeat a lot as they seem safe topics to discuss and I'll struggle to know what else to talk about. I'm not the best at off the cuff conversations.

I found my diagnosis a relief as it suddenly gave me an understanding of myself. I can also ensure that my manager makes me aware of changes and discusses things with me in a way that may not have been done beforehand. My partner is very understanding too and when I've said things in a way that may have caused offence or it came out rude, he knows I don't mean it as I hate being intentionally rude to people and things do spill out of my mouth without me having any awareness on how they will sound.