Caught DP looking at porn... what’s people’s views?

[Darklava09]

I know there has been many a thread on here similar.

I’ve found on his search history he’s been staying up late looking at porn and then on Instagram been looking at images and especially women in tights!?

I am really really shocked and annoyed tbh. We’ve been together 11 years and he is very quiet and shy when it comes to even talking about sex sometimes and in bed I wouldn’t call him “adventurous” by no
Means vanilla but.

The girls he’s looking at are nothing like me at all... totally opposite and opposite to what he tells me he finds attractive.

If I’m honest I’ve always expected it. He’s very secretive on his phone, always deletes his internet history, one night I was convinced he was having a wank next to me as I was woken up by vigorous jerking movement and I’m not a paranoid person and usually have an excellent intuition. He always says he’s never really “into” porn that it doesn’t do it for him... clearly not.

He works away a few times a year and I always ask him if he masturbates and he’s always said no until last month he admitted to doing it once.

Our sex life is ok but things have changed life, work, children, illness on my end I suffer with endo.
He doesn’t put a lot of effort into the relationship and always moans about lack of intimacy.
I’m annoyed more so that he’s more bothered about staying up late looking at women rather than making the effort with me. Maybe if he put as much effort it we would both be happier in the relationship.

Do I confront him, what would I say? Parts of me wants to stay quiet and keep checking but I don’t think he will slip up again.
Im really hurt in all honesty.

For me (moral issues aside for now) I wouldn't be happy that he is neglecting your relationship to watch porn, that would really hurt me.

Moral issues I dislike porn I personally feel a large proportion of women performing have experienced some trauma regarding boundaries (not all but how do you know if the girl your watching is or not) I also feel it gives men unrealistic expectations.

When he moans about lack of intimacy do you tell him he needs to make more of an effort, have you discussed this properly?
Even that he needs to put more of an effort into you and the relationship in general because it's healthy for the relationship, not simply because he wants more intimacy.

Do you do things to nurture the relationship and put effort into him?

Porn doesn't bother me but it would bother me if he neglected me sexually and then turned to porn.

I don't understand why you questioned him on if he masturbates when he's away? would it be an issue if he said he did?

The night when you woke up to him wanking next to you...would you have liked to have sex that night?

I don't see the point in checking all the time, if this is an issue for you then it's an issue for you. You need to decide on if you want to continue the relationship and talk to him about it.

He doesn't sound very pleasant OP.

always moans about lack of intimacy.

This is sexual coercion/manipulation. It is a deal breaker for me.

Not a problem. I watch porn, partner watches porn and sometimes we even watch it together. I masturbate and so does he. Don't hide it from one another. Sex life is good too, even with three kids!

@raindropshateyou

Not a problem. I watch porn, partner watches porn and sometimes we even watch it together. I masturbate and so does he. Don't hide it from one another. Sex life is good too, even with three kids!

Same here

He works away a few times a year and I always ask him if he masturbates and he’s always said no until last month he admitted to doing it once.

The porn and your shit relationship aside, why are you "always" asking him if he masturbates when that is absolutely none of your business?

Both of you have issues so stop wasting each other's time and end it.

No it’s not an issue if he masturbates when he was away I was just asking because he point blank denies it and I’m like... most men do... just admit it! We’ve always had banter about it in all fairness

And when I woke up and asking him “ what are you doing are you having a wank” he was like like no don’t be stupid and rolled over so

I’m pretty much a chilled out person but I’m annoyed with the fact is for example I’ve asked for him to come to bed with me the last 2 weeks and he hasn’t he’s stayed up on the game or watching tv.... and doing that aswell by the looks of it

I don't have any advice other than please don't say nothing and then check up on what he's looking at... Honestly that's just wrong. If a woman came on here saying her husband did this to her you would get a hundred LTBs within 10 minutes. At the end of the day he is allowed privacy. Looking at porn isn't a crime. Now you know that he does look at it , then you can decide if it's a deal breaker or not. Personally as long as it wasn't violent or particularly awful I would be okay with it. We can't help what we fantasise about.

I’m pretty much a chilled out person but I’m annoyed with the fact is for example I’ve asked for him to come to bed with me the last 2 weeks and he hasn’t he’s stayed up on the game or watching tv.... and doing that aswell by the looks of it

Did you want to have sex? or did you want time together to chill out or chat? or just go straight to sleep?

Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you when he masturbates I don’t want to tell my partner that I do it, it’s none of his business and I have no idea when he does it either.

Not surprised he hides it, it’s pretty obvious you have an issue with it.

We both work away often, never ask whether he’s masterbating unless for phone sex purposes .

He does, I do, no big deal

This is sexual coercion/manipulation. It is a deal breaker for me.

It can be....but moaning about things is also a natural consequence of issues in a relationship.

I don’t have an issue with it.. but it’s ok for him then to ask me if I do it when he’s away we don’t have an argument about it, or get mad. If anything we’re both like well when then cuz we’re both here all the time there’s never been a time where we’ve had cross words about it

If you don’t have an issue with it why are you looking at his internet history or is there something else going on?

I looked at internet history and I saw instagram was bringing up posts of women stating they were accounts he was interacting with so hence why I checked internet history. The only thing is that he refused to let me see his credit card statement and that was when it come to my attention he’s racked up debt without me knowing over the past 6months which is why I’m more suspicious

You could do a Charlotte from sex and the city and tape a picture of your head to the phone

Why are you looking at his internet history and asking to view his credit card statements in the first place if you don’t have an issue with him wanking and watching porn

Sounds like porn if you genuinely have no issue with it is the least of your worries. Bigger communication issues at play here

I don’t have an issue with it.. but it’s ok for him then to ask me if I do it when he’s away

Is he asking because he wants more sex though? so he's wondering if you are satisfying yourself and not involving him?

Whats wrong with watching porn and wanking? You shouldnt be looking at his search history? Hes allowed to watch porn and wank in his bed!

@SoulofanAggron

He doesn't sound very pleasant OP.

always moans about lack of intimacy.

This is sexual coercion/manipulation. It is a deal breaker for me.

You wouldn't say that if a woman moaned about lack of intimacy!

@inthethickofit IDK, but it's a man anyway. If one got in a strop about not getting sex on demand to me, he'd be dumped.

Sounds like an unhealthy, toxic relationship with an already resentful and tense dynamic. You know relationships don't have to be like this, don't you?

Life's too short to be going on at someone about whether they're wanking when they're alone. Let alone staying with someone you don't trust morally or financially...

Sounds like an unhealthy, toxic relationship with an already resentful and tense dynamic. You know relationships don't have to be like this, don't you?

Life's too short to be going on at someone about whether they're wanking when they're alone. Let alone staying with someone you don't trust morally or financially...