Caught DP looking at porn... what’s people’s views?

[Darklava09]

I know there has been many a thread on here similar.

I’ve found on his search history he’s been staying up late looking at porn and then on Instagram been looking at images and especially women in tights!?

I am really really shocked and annoyed tbh. We’ve been together 11 years and he is very quiet and shy when it comes to even talking about sex sometimes and in bed I wouldn’t call him “adventurous” by no
Means vanilla but.

The girls he’s looking at are nothing like me at all... totally opposite and opposite to what he tells me he finds attractive.

If I’m honest I’ve always expected it. He’s very secretive on his phone, always deletes his internet history, one night I was convinced he was having a wank next to me as I was woken up by vigorous jerking movement and I’m not a paranoid person and usually have an excellent intuition. He always says he’s never really “into” porn that it doesn’t do it for him... clearly not.

He works away a few times a year and I always ask him if he masturbates and he’s always said no until last month he admitted to doing it once.

Our sex life is ok but things have changed life, work, children, illness on my end I suffer with endo.
He doesn’t put a lot of effort into the relationship and always moans about lack of intimacy.
I’m annoyed more so that he’s more bothered about staying up late looking at women rather than making the effort with me. Maybe if he put as much effort it we would both be happier in the relationship.

Do I confront him, what would I say? Parts of me wants to stay quiet and keep checking but I don’t think he will slip up again.
Im really hurt in all honesty.

it was a bit odd to ask him about it mid flow

It's also a bit odd to lay next to your sleeping wife furiously beating your meat.

I’m not thrilled if my OH watches porn, I just ask he does it when I’m not around and delete the search history lol. If he’s neglecting your sex life that’s different.. a little embarrassing but I’ll admit something... before I met my OH I watched porn a lot, I liked to watch older men (not old old 😂) more like a sliver fox in his 40s 😂 would I sleep with a man like that in real life? No I definitely wouldn’t!

Of course all men watch porn and masturbate. Any man that looks you straight in the eye and say they don’t watch porn is lying.

@Ilovefishcakes201

Of course all men watch porn and masturbate. Any man that looks you straight in the eye and say they don’t watch porn is lying.

I feel sad for you, if this is what you believe.

I'd actually like to start a charity month. "Wanktober". Everyone encouraged to wank in their own house, their own bed, on their sofa, middle of the kitchen, the way one likes it. And not be shamed about it.

The crude terms I often see used when describing male masturbation on this site.. Well...there are specialist therapies available to heal that deep seated hate, fear, shame (whichever it is) of all things sexual.

You go ahead if it makes you feel better. The rest of us will privately be getting on with our sex lives. Thanks.

Honestly porn, I get the debate. I get why people can have strong emotions. That's one thing. Personally I get why people watch porn. I understand it.

But how can people still be so prudish and judgemental about masturbation, talking in derogatory terms about men having the audacity to masturbate in their own home? What is wrong with masturbation ? Who gets to tell another adult they can't masturbate? Who gets to ask another adult about whether they do it?

No one's said there's anything wrong with masturbating, nor had anyone said OP's other half shouldn't do it.

The issue is that he's obviously too selfish to link his lack of emotional engagement and support to the fact she doesn't want to have sex with him.

I would find someone masturbating in a bed next to me while I'm asleep pretty creepy! If I fancied some I would wake the other person or go to another room not just start going for it next to them.

FFS 😳😂

All right , fair enough , calm down. I think the OP has been pretty judgemental and we don't actually know he was masturbating in bed. She just suspects.

Also repeatedly asking him if he masturbates even though she acknowledges he is quiet and shy when it comes to sex isn't right. Also, even using the term "he admitted it once" just shows the OP thinks it's a negative thing. We are talking about masturbating on a work trip, not shagging his secretary.

They are at least as bad as each other when it comes to communication issues from the information given.

@Closetbeanmuncher

I think you have the crux of the issue spotted. And that really should be helpful to the OP.

The comments about masturbation are mostly aimed at all posters (and not only on this thread because it is a regular occurence) who can't talk about a normal human body function without obvious disgust at it.

You too, @Closetbeanmuncher, why an act of masturbation by your sexual partner is "creepy" but a sex act with you - not?
Is it the teen angst and shame that was attached to boys wanking still following poor men in their adult lives? I'm prepared to hear about hairy palms next.
I have wanked next to my sleeping partner because I did NOT want to have sex. I wanted to give an orgasm to myself because I felt like it. It is not an offensive act to masturbate in my own bed with my sexual partner sleeping. No baby seals were hurt in the process.
And I wasn't "going for it". According to Mumsnet, I was "slapping about my kebab meat" or "fingering my gash". That is, if I use the distasteful language terms reserved for men here.

@willsa There's #30dayorgasmfun , tabitharayne.com/2019/03/and-its-back-30dayorgasmfun-masturbation-for-a-mental-health-boost/ But I don't think it's been officially held this year.

A friend did it but I think she peaked after about 6 days or something.

@SoulofanAggron

That gave me a right chuckle

I don't think there's been too much negativity towards male masturbation on this thread?

I think there's been negativity towards men viewing porn.

Masturbation is healthy. Porn viewing is not, IMO.

Wouldn't bother me tbh and you seriously need to stop quizzing him about masturbating. No wonder he gets cagey 😳

If a woman posted on here saying her partner demanded to know if she masturbates she'd be having red flags waved at her and told to leave the controlling bastard.

repeatedly asking him if he masturbates even though she acknowledges he is quiet and shy when it comes to sex isn't right

Agreed Daisy.

@willsa
Masturbation by a partner isn't creepy and I've never asked any of my partner's if they masturbate because I assume everyone does!
The concept of lying next to a sleeping partner masturbating seems a bit bizarre to me so agree to disagree?

No baby seals were hurt in the process

Glad to hear it 😂

@wildone84
I re-read and actually agree - vast majority of posters here hold mature views on the masturbation topic. I think a few of the posts in recent threads have stood out for the wrong reasons and I just ended up having my say here. Plus overhearing a conversation between two male friends where both have been banned from masturbation by their wives. In one case its allegedly "cheating" and in the other case only permitted done quickly whilst in a shower. Poor sods...
Also some posters here are clearly of a view that partner masturbating is OK as long as he/she meets my needs. NOT so. It's OK to choose to masturbate even if the other partner wants sex.

@Closetbeanmuncher
Of course you are OK to not feel comfortable with it. To think about why, wouldn't hurt though.
We are all a little reasonable and unreasonable when it comes to sex. And that being said, I'd be glad to find my partner wanking in the middle of the night because.. waking me for it is just NOT an option. That would give me the rage. To think about why, wouldn't hurt

I have derailed the thread. Swift exit due!

Yeah, I think for most people it's not masturbation that's an issue, provided that it's not excessive/obsessive and he doesn't 'death grip' himself into impotence. It's porn, which is dubiously ethical and research is beginning to show harms the user. It's also substituting porn and wanking for sex and intimacy with a partner. And lying about it.

I think what pissed me off most was the secrecy and pretending ‘not to be into it’ when in reality it was being watched 4 or 5 times a week. I would honestly someone be up front about their use and I can then decide if it’s something I can live with and set some boundaries of what I am not ok with, it’s hard to do that when someone pretends ‘it isn’t happening’ —