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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Caught DP looking at porn... what’s people’s views?

93 replies

Darklava09 · 04/07/2020 20:22

I know there has been many a thread on here similar.

I’ve found on his search history he’s been staying up late looking at porn and then on Instagram been looking at images and especially women in tights!?

I am really really shocked and annoyed tbh. We’ve been together 11 years and he is very quiet and shy when it comes to even talking about sex sometimes and in bed I wouldn’t call him “adventurous” by no
Means vanilla but.

The girls he’s looking at are nothing like me at all... totally opposite and opposite to what he tells me he finds attractive.

If I’m honest I’ve always expected it. He’s very secretive on his phone, always deletes his internet history, one night I was convinced he was having a wank next to me as I was woken up by vigorous jerking movement and I’m not a paranoid person and usually have an excellent intuition. He always says he’s never really “into” porn that it doesn’t do it for him... clearly not.

He works away a few times a year and I always ask him if he masturbates and he’s always said no until last month he admitted to doing it once.

Our sex life is ok but things have changed life, work, children, illness on my end I suffer with endo.
He doesn’t put a lot of effort into the relationship and always moans about lack of intimacy.
I’m annoyed more so that he’s more bothered about staying up late looking at women rather than making the effort with me. Maybe if he put as much effort it we would both be happier in the relationship.

Do I confront him, what would I say? Parts of me wants to stay quiet and keep checking but I don’t think he will slip up again.
Im really hurt in all honesty.

OP posts:
DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 21:55

And to the OP, it's a given that men masturbate ( and a hell of a lot of women as well). I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband asked me repeatedly if I was masturbating on works trips, why are you even doing that anyway? If a woman came on here and said her husband was repeatedly asking her if she masturbated when she was away with work then he would be labelled controlling, and worse.

Courtney555 · 04/07/2020 22:03

Honestly, I think it's no big deal. If it's a new thing, the novelty will wear off soon.

It's not great, but in the scheme of things, he's looked at some pictures of women in tights. I wouldn't blow this out of huge proportion. It's not the same for men, lots do it. And many women who would insist their partner doesn't, would be wrong. Not all. But many. My DH does, when he's away working. Which I know, because sometimes if he finds something funny or quite bizarre, he'll mention it. I'm not thrilled at the idea. Neither am I having heart palpitations.

SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 22:10

@DaisyRaisin My feelings and opinions are as valid as yours, and if a partner was moaning because he wasn't getting sex as often as he wanted, he would be gone. I personally would see it as pressure and I dislike that intensely.

Arguably, given the physiology of men and women, and patriarchy, a man nagging for sex is unpleasant to an extent that a woman saying to a partner that she wants more sex isn't. They also are often known to strop around when they don't get it- we see it a lot on these boards. Often it's part of, or the beginnings of, a multifaceted campaign of coercive control.

I agree with you about the wanking to an extent though. Maybe it's that OP is trying to get him to talk about sex more or something.

DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 22:17

You can decide whatever you want in your relationship, but saying that there isn't enough intimacy in a relation IS NOT sexually coercive , and is demeaning to victims of sexual coercion .

SoulofanAggron · 04/07/2020 22:21

@DaisyRaisin OP said she wanted more intimacy. Her partner 'moaned' that he wasn't getting sex when he wanted it. To me 'moaning' is coercion, you might not think so but I do, because I've been a victim of it and that was part of my experience. It's manipulative.

Your experience is yours. Mine is mine and it is real.

DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 22:27

He wasn't moaning that he wasn't getting sex when he wanted it

He moaned about lack of intimacy

These are two different things.

DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 22:34

In fact it's the OP that's been complaining about a lack of sex when she wants it (she's been asking him to come to bed with her and he has stayed up) , and it's her bf who is asking for more intimacy. Not that I think she is sexually coercive.

If it said he was moaning about not getting sex when he wants them i would be in agreement, that is a form of sexual coercion, and if it results in actually sexual activity then a significant one. but he wasnt.

LemonTT · 04/07/2020 22:39

Well to be fair my understanding is that they are both moaning about the lack of intimacy. If that means no sex, then he’s obviously choosing porn as an alternative. Could be worse.

But I agree the relationship is heading towards toxic on both sides. Sorry OP but if he isn’t interested in sex and you aren’t either then something has to give.

DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 22:46

I as just saying labelling someone as sexually coercive because they " "moaned about a lack of intimacy" is unfair and in my opinion, totally wrong. I think if the OPs partner was on here saying, she asks me all the time if i masturbate, she wants to check my credit card statements, shes checking up on my internet history .... It would look pretty bad from that side. Communication, respect of privacy and a realization that you don't control someone's thoughts are pretty important in a relationship. It's these that are the real problem imo.

Anothernick · 04/07/2020 23:00

if you think he prefers porn to sex with you then that is an issue. But if your sex life is OK then you have no reason to worry about how often he masturbates or watches porn. If he is away from you for sometime and has normal sexual urges then of course he will masturbate. Why do you feel the need to question him about this? And sometimes if a guy wakes up in the night and can't get back to sleep then masturbating will do the trick, this is nothing to be concerned about. I'm sure he'd be happy if you joined in.

You say you are not a paranoid person but you do come over as, well, slightly paranoid.

sammylady37 · 04/07/2020 23:06

If a partner policed my masturbation like this, they wouldn’t be a partner for long.

IdblowJonSnow · 04/07/2020 23:12

Doesn't sound like a great relationship.
If you're not comfortable with the porn or lack of honesty/intimacy then that's your right.
Time to have a chat and see if you can work through it. If you want to that is.

user1481840227 · 04/07/2020 23:20

The fact is its ridiculous and neither of these things are coercive. Some mumsnetters literally don't have a clue about what some things mean, and just talk rubbish.

I agree with this completely. People should be allowed to air out their relationship concerns. If lack of sex in a relationship is causing issues or a partner to be grumpy or upset people say that it's manipulative or coercion...but these things need to be said and spoken about and not swept under the carpet.

Just because sexual coercion is a thing, does not mean that every conversation or argument about lack of sex equates to coercion.

In that case we could argue that most attempts at airing out relationship issues amount to manipulation or coercion.
People are allowed to say what they want, what they need and what they feel like is missing.

In fact it's the OP that's been complaining about a lack of sex when she wants it (she's been asking him to come to bed with her and he has stayed up)

I don't think the OP clarified that she had actually wanted sex when she asked him to go to bed. I thought maybe she just wanted him to go up to the room with her to sleep.

StopTheWorldImGettingOffNow · 04/07/2020 23:20

It has to be about where your boundaries are. I do not consider porn to be acceptable tbh, so would have an issue with that, but that's my own boundary, it doesn't have to be someone else's.

I would definitely have an issue if I was trying to make more of an effort for intimacy, this was being rejected, and then I found out my partner was looking at porn/Instagram or whatever and masturbating. I can totally understand why that's hurtful.

If you have a good relationship generally, try not to blow it out of proportion but you really need to communicate more openly and honestly about what you want and expect from each other, and be prepared to listen to the other person.

user1481840227 · 04/07/2020 23:24

I would definitely have an issue if I was trying to make more of an effort for intimacy, this was being rejected, and then I found out my partner was looking at porn/Instagram or whatever and masturbating. I can totally understand why that's hurtful.

It's unclear from the OP if she is trying to make more of an effort for intimacy!

StopTheWorldImGettingOffNow · 04/07/2020 23:27

That's true user. I read the OP as, when she was asking him to come to bed it was for intimacy/sex rather than so they could immediately go to sleep!

user1481840227 · 04/07/2020 23:31

Yep I did ask the OP but she hasn't responded.

It's hard to give the proper advice without the OP clarifying...because in one scenario the OP wants more sex and intimacy but instead he's off watching porn and wanking and refuses to go to bed with her.

In the other scenario he's the one who wants more sex...and is possibly just masturbating and looking at porn to fulfil his needs.

I guess either way we could say that going to bed at the same time can be intimate and increase intimacy in a relationship....but on the other side if there is already tension or frustration at the lack of sex, then being asked to go to bed together and nothing happened could make the issue even worse!

DaisyRaisin · 04/07/2020 23:42

@user1481840227

Yes, I assumed she meant to go to bed because she wanted them to have sex because I assumed that was why she mentioned it... But equally it could have been to increase intimacy by just going to sleep together.

Opentooffers · 04/07/2020 23:46

I'd guess the op is less intimate as her DP is not doing much ie not pulling his weight with the family, which is not going to inspire anyone to want to engage sexually as there will be resentment over this. So, he turns to porn, and when she finds this out, she wonders why he doesn't engage with her more. But, she's not, giving intimate vibes so he doesn't pester her for it, also reasonable. Around we go then, with nothing happening, but I'd say it stems from his lack of family support which may need addressing for things to improve. There is also lack of communication. Sex is just a symptom of a route problem, as is the porn.

SoulofanAggron · 05/07/2020 00:13

I as just saying labelling someone as sexually coercive because they " "moaned about a lack of intimacy" is unfair and in my opinion, totally wrong.

@DaisyRaisin If is was done to me I would see it as coercive. But I suppose it depends what the person/people actually say.

For instance I had one guy say:-
''This relationship is ok except for the sex' which was awkward but not necessarily coercive.

Another bloke was 'Oh When are we going to have sex?' And stormed off home because I didn't happen to be in the mood that day. I'd say that's coercion.

Namenic · 05/07/2020 01:22

OP - know your boundaries. It’s ok to have them and stick to them, but it might be that you need to split up because they aren’t compatible with his boundaries.

I think OPs partner sounds lazy in bed. He wants sex without effort on his part. OP would like sex with him but wants him to also satisfy her. Who knows - maybe OPs partner is tired from housework, overtime so doesn’t make effort. In which case maybe going to counselling/making changes may help.

Porn is a dealbreaker with me and I wouldn’t be compatible with someone who didn’t want to give it up.

wildone84 · 05/07/2020 03:57

I don't like porn (for ethical reasons) and I wouldn't want someone who watches it. A similar analogy would be that I also wouldn't want to date someone who owns a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Similar sort of thing...exploitation.

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2020 04:36

@raindropshateyou

Not a problem. I watch porn, partner watches porn and sometimes we even watch it together. I masturbate and so does he. Don't hide it from one another. Sex life is good too, even with three kids!
It is obviously a problem for the op tho, so your personal situation is not really helpful, it is?

Are any of those children girls? You happy for them to go in to porn when they are older? You happy for the world to see them naked and "being abused" for "kicks?"

differentnameforthis · 05/07/2020 04:41

@DaisyRaisin

And to the OP, it's a given that men masturbate ( and a hell of a lot of women as well). I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband asked me repeatedly if I was masturbating on works trips, why are you even doing that anyway? If a woman came on here and said her husband was repeatedly asking her if she masturbated when she was away with work then he would be labelled controlling, and worse.
Did you see where the op said HE asks HER too? So he wants to know what she does while he is away, but he doesn't like being questioned in the same way... red flag right there.
famousforwrongreason · 05/07/2020 05:13

Lack of intimacy is a very common and sad side effect of regular porn usage.
I ended my marriage because of it. At the time I had never been bothered by porn, I didn't really understand about the dark side of the industry or how it can wreck relationships but we weren't having sex and it had a huge impact on my self esteem. I don't think I've ever really recovered.