Caught DP looking at porn... what’s people’s views?

[Darklava09]

I know there has been many a thread on here similar.

I’ve found on his search history he’s been staying up late looking at porn and then on Instagram been looking at images and especially women in tights!?

I am really really shocked and annoyed tbh. We’ve been together 11 years and he is very quiet and shy when it comes to even talking about sex sometimes and in bed I wouldn’t call him “adventurous” by no
Means vanilla but.

The girls he’s looking at are nothing like me at all... totally opposite and opposite to what he tells me he finds attractive.

If I’m honest I’ve always expected it. He’s very secretive on his phone, always deletes his internet history, one night I was convinced he was having a wank next to me as I was woken up by vigorous jerking movement and I’m not a paranoid person and usually have an excellent intuition. He always says he’s never really “into” porn that it doesn’t do it for him... clearly not.

He works away a few times a year and I always ask him if he masturbates and he’s always said no until last month he admitted to doing it once.

Our sex life is ok but things have changed life, work, children, illness on my end I suffer with endo.
He doesn’t put a lot of effort into the relationship and always moans about lack of intimacy.
I’m annoyed more so that he’s more bothered about staying up late looking at women rather than making the effort with me. Maybe if he put as much effort it we would both be happier in the relationship.

Do I confront him, what would I say? Parts of me wants to stay quiet and keep checking but I don’t think he will slip up again.
Im really hurt in all honesty.

I used to complain about the lack of sex. I worry now that I was coercive, at the time I was just confused by the fact that I was unwanted and I likely did ask if he was masturbation as I thought he must have been getting satisfaction somewhere else.
I'm all for people masturbating but when you're not having sex at all it leads you to ask questions and get a bit naggy sometimes.

@Opentooffers yes!! You’ve hit the nail on the head. Your exactly right. I’m knackered all the time, feel unwanted but then expected to be sexually interested all the time!?

@user1481840227 no it wasn’t calling him to bed for sex. It was just so we can either talk, cuddle, listen to music and catch up since he’s been working 12 hours a day. If it leads to sex then it does but it isn’t just for that.

Anyways, I did approach him about it and he’s point blank denied it and said it’s a pop up link from Facebook which isn’t true as it clearly says searched for. So yeah.

I don't like porn (for ethical reasons) and I wouldn't want someone who watches it. A similar analogy would be that I also wouldn't want to date someone who owns a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Similar sort of thing...exploitation

Watching porn is not similar to owning a sweatshop. It’s similar to using products produced in a sweatshop. How do you feel about that?

Porn, I'd rather it wasn't a part of life, but it is increasingly so I kind of accept the genie is out of the bottle on that and I don't see it as real, it's fantasy. I think he knows your feelings about it so a bit of shame and embarrassment has got him taking the path of least resistance, which he sees as denial. Wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me,.
Is there possibility to reconnect by doing date nights using a babysitter now things are opening up? Maybe home delivery meal after kids in bed. Does he know how much and why you are knackered? Spell it out what you need help with and dangle the carrot of more intimacy. You both have to work on that throughout the day though through working together and gaining Musial respect. It doesn't work trying to jump to it at the end of the day, he's hiding by then and you are done in.

'mutual respect'

It's been a long night

Op. You’ve been naive. His wanking is nothing to do with you.

Watching porn is not similar to owning a sweatshop. It’s similar to using products produced in a sweatshop. How do you feel about that?

Huh? Also bad (I'm not the poster who wrote the sweatshop thing but I completely agree). The difference is, clothes are essential to life, it is extraordinarily difficult to source clothes that have been produced ethically but it is possible ie buying from Kite, Frugi or secondhand etc. I do feel guilt about buying clothes that I think might have been produced in a sweatshop and would try to minimise that.

Pornography is endemic but not essential in our lives. I get up every day, live and breathe and survive without it. It's probable there is some sort of 'ethical' porn out there produced by actors who are willingly choosing to do it and being paid appropriately, and that does not depict degrading assaults and normalise that behaviour. The Frugi of the porn world. I guess if my DP was concerned about the ethics of porn and specifically sought that out as a genre, I would not consider it a deal breaker. Anything else, yes.

None of that is really relevant here though - there has been a breakdown in communication and intimacy that needs to be addressed.

Huh? Also bad (I'm not the poster who wrote the sweatshop thing but I completely agree). The difference is, clothes are essential to life, it is extraordinarily difficult to source clothes that have been produced ethically but it is possible ie buying from Kite, Frugi or secondhand etc. I do feel guilt about buying clothes that I think might have been produced in a sweatshop and would try to minimise that

My point was that someone earlier said they equated watching porn with owning a sweatshop. The two, IMO, are not comparable. Owning a sweatshop would be similar to being a porn producer, IMO. Consuming the products of each, ie watching porn and buying clothes produced in sweat shops would be similar. So if someone is going to take a stand on porn watching because of the ethics of it, they’d be quite the hypocrite if they were happy to wear clothes made in sweatshops. It’s entirely possible to source an ethically made range of clothes. You won’t have the same quantity of clothes and choice as if you were buying unethically produced ones of course, but if you have those strong ethics then that won’t matter. Unless you’re selective about your ethics.

Other than being unethically produced they're really not comparable though.

Sweatshop clothes don't participate in the sexual abuse and rape of the most vulnerable in society, don't perpetuate misogynistic, degrading treatment of women and children, and don't contribute to addictions and relationship breakdowns of users. When relationships break up, angry partners don't upload photos of their ex in a Primark top in order to humiliate and shame them, they upload revenge porn.

Porn is, on the whole, designed to degrade women for the satisfaction of men and to make money. That applies to both those involved in making it and those consuming it, and the implications of mass porn consumption are far reaching in our society.

Sweatshop clothes are appalling and far more effort needs to be put into ethical alternatives but they are by no means the same, in my view.

Btw I do try to avoid both where I can, as I do consider both unethical, but whereas it's easy for me to avoid porn and it just doesn't feature in my life, it is far more difficult to avoid sweatshop clothes!

My dh watches porn, I dont but i do masturbate. I know he watches porn and have no issue because we have a great sex life. I wouldnt ever want to know when he does it and I wouldnt want him asking me about when I maturbate. I personally think it's a personal thing. However if it interrupted our sex life and relationship I'd want a chat to him about it

I think they’re remarkably comparable, tbh. Both involve degrading and exploiting vulnerable people, mostly women and children, and those who do the work, be that the endless hours in a factory or the being fucked by multiple men, are not those who make the big bucks.

It’s a different type of exploitation sure, but it’s still degrading and exploitative.

I find it quite hypocritical the lengths some people will go to to condemn those who watch porn while they themselves are happily wearing sweatshop clothes.

But, each to their own... that’s my opinion, I accept others may disagree

It's disgusting and shows a man who doesn't give a shit about his relationship to lie down on the settee tugging himself off whilst his wife is alone in bed

It's the death knell to a relationship

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat....

He seems to have not made the connection that if you're overloaded mentally there is no way you're going to be in the mood for sex. He's lazy emotionally and in terms of introspect for sure - it's all a bit me, me, and a bit more me.

What effort does he make to facilitate a more relaxed environment??

Do you want to get your sex life back on track and what steps do you think you could both take to make that a possibility?

I don't have a good feeling about the credit card statement in honesty, and think you need to get to the bottom of that before tackling the other stuff.

Buy some tights?

Do you turn him down a lot?
If so, then he’s probably decided not to be rejected anymore and turned to porn.

@sammylady37

I don't like porn (for ethical reasons) and I wouldn't want someone who watches it. A similar analogy would be that I also wouldn't want to date someone who owns a sweatshop in Bangladesh. Similar sort of thing...exploitation

Watching porn is not similar to owning a sweatshop. It’s similar to using products produced in a sweatshop. How do you feel about that?

Yes, you're right. I avoid goods made in sweat shops eg. branded sports goods, H&M, Primark.

@StopTheWorldImGettingOffNow

Watching porn is not similar to owning a sweatshop. It’s similar to using products produced in a sweatshop. How do you feel about that?

Huh? Also bad (I'm not the poster who wrote the sweatshop thing but I completely agree). The difference is, clothes are essential to life, it is extraordinarily difficult to source clothes that have been produced ethically but it is possible ie buying from Kite, Frugi or secondhand etc. I do feel guilt about buying clothes that I think might have been produced in a sweatshop and would try to minimise that.

Pornography is endemic but not essential in our lives. I get up every day, live and breathe and survive without it. It's probable there is some sort of 'ethical' porn out there produced by actors who are willingly choosing to do it and being paid appropriately, and that does not depict degrading assaults and normalise that behaviour. The Frugi of the porn world. I guess if my DP was concerned about the ethics of porn and specifically sought that out as a genre, I would not consider it a deal breaker. Anything else, yes.

None of that is really relevant here though - there has been a breakdown in communication and intimacy that needs to be addressed.

I guess ethical porn might be amateur porn, where 2 people in a relationship are doing it because they're exhibitionists and enjoy it, and they're not getting paid for it. But then there's always the issue of, is one of them coerced by the other, and then I also think people who choose to share this sort of thing have often had sexual trauma and abuse. Not in every case, but often. That's why I'm not comfortable with any kind of porn except pics from a partner like sexting.

All men masturbate and all men watch porn. Many women do, too, including me. It’s extremely naive to think otherwise when both professional and amateur porn is freely and limitlessly available online.

I am not a prude and I take a libertarian view. As long as everyone involved is a consentIng adult, crack on. It’s only sex.

@AgeLikeWine

All men masturbate and all men watch porn. Many women do, too, including me. It’s extremely naive to think otherwise when both professional and amateur porn is freely and limitlessly available online.

I am not a prude and I take a libertarian view. As long as everyone involved is a consentIng adult, crack on. It’s only sex.

Not all men do.

when I woke up and asking him “ what are you doing are you having a wank” he was like like no don’t be stupid and rolled over
I think I'd also be a bit nonplussed if my partner asked me if I was having a wank. I can't say that I would reply "Yes! Yes, I am" when I'd just been looking forward to a nice orgasm and someone interrupted it. If I woke up and heard my partner masturbating, I'd also do my best to appear to be sleeping, rather than bringing him back to real life with a bump.

Are you assuming that whenever he masturbates, he is most likely a) watching porn and b) paying for it and thus putting you in debt? I'd say that focusing on the masturbation is just muddying the waters.

All men masturbate and all men watch porn.

Even if that were true, which it's obviously not, it wouldn't make it ethical to consume it.

How do you know that those involved are truly consenting, out of interest?

[quote Darklava09]@Opentooffers yes!! You’ve hit the nail on the head. Your exactly right. I’m knackered all the time, feel unwanted but then expected to be sexually interested all the time!?

@user1481840227 no it wasn’t calling him to bed for sex. It was just so we can either talk, cuddle, listen to music and catch up since he’s been working 12 hours a day. If it leads to sex then it does but it isn’t just for that.

Anyways, I did approach him about it and he’s point blank denied it and said it’s a pop up link from Facebook which isn’t true as it clearly says searched for. So yeah. [/quote]
So it seems more like the main issue is the classic issue where one person doesn't want to have that much sex because they feel knackered, unwanted, unappreciated and so on..

The other person doesn't feel like they have to put the effort in, moan about the lack of sex, but are not putting the effort into nurturing the relationship in ways that would make their partner desire them and feel like having sex.

Him masturbating or using porn doesn't seem like the main issue....and confronting him about doing that and stopping him from doing it isn't going to make him suddenly put the effort into nurturing your relationship for the good of the relationship AND so you both can have a better relationship.

If he stops the porn and masturbating and you don't sort out the bigger major problem in your relationship then it's not going to help anyway!

You've got life's common wedges between you - long work hours, kids and family responsibilities. It's up to you both to decide, after discussion, if you are willing to work ways around them so that you can all be happier as a family.
To have open discussion and get to know the crux, it might require you to not focus on the porn use or masturbation. There really is nothing to be ashamed about masturbation, it was a bit odd to ask him about it mid flow, and you are not asking him if he does it in a good way, it shows that you do harbour some shame around it, that you should let go of if possible.
He denies things, because you are trying to transfer your own shame around it to him, and he's feeling it. If he didn't do either, but pestered you for sex all the time, that would not be any better way for him to behave.
You need to find the time for each other, If he's working 12 hour days, do you have enough funds between you so that you could take the pressure off by employing assistance with household tasks, so you can free up time on his days off? Can you invest or get family support for looking after the children so you can go out together? Do you arrange family days out?
These kind of problems occur when there has been no discussion or planning, prior to having children, about how you are going to share rolls and responsibilities. You find yourself taking on jobs you never wanted to do, by yourself. What kind of upbringing did your DP have? Was it traditional, with defined separate rolls? Can you bring him into the 21st century? I think his expectations, about how family dynamics work, are different from yours and are quite old fashioned and are often not workable in today's society. Things will only get better by being more open about everything, I feel you are both burying resentment and there is too much that is going unsaid.

Things will only get better by being more open about everything, I feel you are both burying resentment and there is too much that is going unsaid.

Definitely agree with this. Really you need to decide on what your relationship needs are exactly and push for those. If your relationship needs are not met and you're not seeing an improvement then the relationship won't have a happy outcome in the end.

When this kind of dynamic occurs in a relationship it is rare to come back from, but possible if it's tackled early enough. If not then it becomes even harder or impossible to fix the issues.