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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How did you approach past abuse with new partner?

40 replies

Fightingback16 · 03/07/2020 14:24

I just wondered how you approach a new relationship after coming out of an abusive one? It’s obviously a very large part of us and it would have to be someone understanding as I personally could not keep it a secret. I have PTSD and there are things I just don’t like, eg things round my neck or loud noises in my ear.
Do you just come out with it, I would be worried it would scare them off!

Not that I’m ready for one!

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 03/07/2020 14:42

I would be more worried it would entice another abuser. Never mention it until you are officially in a relationship with a person, that's for sure.

Hopefully you will have worked through the PTSD a fair bit before dating again. So there wont be such a need to hurry to bring it up.

imaflutteringkite · 03/07/2020 14:46

I haven't really mentioned mine even though we've been together 8 years now. I don't like to talk about it. Some things do trigger it though, I don't like anyone touching my face or my head. I haven't really explained why to DH and I probably should have. Like a PP says when I met DH I was worried about either scaring him off or making myself seem vulnerable and then there never seemed to be the right time to talk about it.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 03/07/2020 14:48

That’s what I would be worried about, scaring them off or looking too vulnerable and looking like I need looking after.

OP posts:
theproblemwitheyes · 03/07/2020 14:52

I always mentioned it (and my mental health issues) right at the beginning. Really factual - this is what happened, this is how it impacts me, this is what you need to know - and then move straight on. That way anyone who would be scared off was scared off before i got attached, and i could be upfront about what i needed from a partner. Worked really well.

Jazzled · 03/07/2020 14:58

I only recently told DH some bits and pieces. I haven't told him everything. Probably never will. Not really sure why. I guess if he doesn't know it doesn't exist in our life maybe...

user1493413286 · 03/07/2020 14:59

I found that it naturally came out a few weeks in when you’re getting close and feel your trust the person; I was a bit vague saying my ex had got rough and there was some things I don’t like then later on in the relationship I shared a bit more. It’s not something I’d really want to share too early on and there was people I was seeing for a few weeks who I never shared it with.

iklboo · 03/07/2020 15:02

DH knows some stuff but it makes him upset that it happened to me. I'll never tell him the worst of it.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 03/07/2020 15:09

I think if I told any potential what happened in full they would not understand, I barely understand!

OP posts:
LatteLover12 · 03/07/2020 15:12

DP knows that exh 'was not a very nice man' and over the course of the 4/5 years we've been together there have been times where I've had to explain a bit more.

For example, DP once thought it would be funny to jump out at me 'boo!' style at the top of the stairs. I got such a fright and pushed home away from me that he almost went backwards down the stairs. He's never done it again.

There are things I will never tell him as I'd be worried it would change his perception of me but equally, he knows about the late nights of shouting and screaming and has never once raised his voice to me.

Menora · 03/07/2020 15:47

It isn’t something I disclose to people really. I don’t want it to be a large part of me anymore and I understand that I don’t think telling someone else will mean they actually understand it - it could make me more vulnerable to be honest and when I have told people things in the past, I’ve then found I have to deal with THEIR feelings about it (usually angry). I will tell people what my boundaries are though, that I don’t like certain things (anything near my neck)

Lifeisshortandbitterswet · 03/07/2020 16:18

I was very open and honest with the next partner when it became serious ( left some of the horrendous things out ,too private ) but laid out what I'd gone through so he kind of understood . Laid clear boundaries etc , an strangely I was a very confident ,independent strong woman after the abuse. He then waited till we were married , then became a total utter bastard and treated me like shit. For years. And blamed me being a bag of nerves and " my triggers " of previous abuse leaving me highly strung. I was actually neither, he was just a horrible cruel man who enjoyed seeing me broken. After ending it , an the five years of nightmares trying to get rid of him for good, I decided to remain single and celibate . Been years now. I enjoy the quiet life .

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 03/07/2020 16:23

Oh god it sounds like a mine field out there. I would never have thought that before my husband, I thought everyone was good. I have a little girl now so can not afford being treated like shit again!

OP posts:
Lifeisshortandbitterswet · 03/07/2020 17:41

I think that's what turned me, having my 3 daughters , they saw an heard lots , so I got out , mainly because I didn't want to set an example to them that this is how men treat you and it's acceptable. He'd already started to treat them like mini housemaids , his own daughters.
They're all fiercely independent and strong , and have all chosen good life partners who love and genuinely respect them . All their partners are kind gentle men too , polar opposite from their father. I'm glad I left when I did , they were all small still , maybe that helped. But they always remembered his loud angry voice and swearing. And me crying quietly in the garden. He chose not to see any of our kids ,just went on to the next lady bless her. Poor cow.

chubbyhotchoc · 03/07/2020 18:15

Nope dating isn't therapy. No reason to offload. Perhaps when you're very serious, like moving in or engaged serious.
As others have said, you'll just attract more if the same crap.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 03/07/2020 18:34

Yes I think I agree, it’s not the new guys job to make me feel better for what another guy did. I guess you have to say something as to why you have children and no dad tho don’t you?

OP posts:
Lifeisshortandbitterswet · 03/07/2020 20:10

Also , feeling good about myself comes from me. I felt better when I became free. It's just a choice to remain single and celibate , for over 20 years now. My own choice. I had extensive counselling for a good few years after we separated , it helped to understand and to deal with it. I'm single now merely because I enjoy my own life to do what I want , when I want to , now my children are all in their 30's .. I've never stopped enjoying it, or I guess I'd feel some kind of loss, or attraction.
Don't get me wrong , I see attractive men , and guys I quite fancy ... Just not attracted to any of them in my home, bed ,not kitchen ! It's so nice cleaning up only your own mess !!!!

Muffey · 03/07/2020 20:41

I'm another one who has never said much about my previous abusive relationship to my dh. We've been together for 15 years, and although he knows my ex was a dickhead and that there are certain things I don't like or want him to do to me, I've never felt the need to speak in any great detail to him about what happened with my ex.

I think in the beginning it was because I didn't know how to explain what had happened and I didn't want him to think badly of me in any way (which I know is silly), or feel sorry for me. I also think a big part of it was not being to articulate what my ex had been doing to me because it wasn't obvious abuse like attacking me physically. It's taken me a long time to work through in my head what he'd been doing to me and understanding that nearly everything he did was abusive, even when I thought he was being caring or showing his love for me.

I also think that I just didn't want my ex contaminating my relationship with my dh so again I've never felt the need to mention it, as weird as that sounds. And now I feel like so much time has passed that it would be weird to talk about my ex as my current marriage is happy and respectful. I guess if my dh asked me directly then I would answer truthfully but it's not something I'll bring up myself.

It's a hard road to navigate, especially when you're still working through your own emotions on the matter.

chubbyhotchoc · 03/07/2020 21:10

@Fightingback16 'we just weren't compatible'
I dated a ton as a single mother and nobody got any more than that out of me. Nobody's business, certainly not men you've known a few days or weeks. If you tell them all the reasons you broke up even if it's just 'he never took the bins out', the guy will start taking your bins out because you basically told him how to date you but it may not be the real him. You need to sit back, tell him bugger all and see who HE is NOT his best imitation of someone who isn't your ex.

GroovyGrove · 03/07/2020 21:25

Having dc and no df isn't that unusual at all.

It isn't their business, and people are to polite to say that but your past and troubles are your business only for at least 18 months plus.

The things you say ' don't like things around your neck - well a lot don't
Loud noises - again a lot don't.

Your don't have to explain why you don't like certain things to make someone else comfortable.
And as much as we all like open communication, it takes time to seek out of someone is going to support you or add to your troubles. Because they know you took it before.

A relationship is meant to add happiness to your life not add problems. So date and enjoy, and if it doesn't work move to the next

whatayearitis · 03/07/2020 21:47

One word- Toxic.
Then usually my actions, attitude or behaviour and sensitivity comes through.

People need to stop worrying what a new partner may think or feel about our abusive past that's stigma we can do without.

If your a single parent I think most will know something seriously was wrong wth that relationship.. how and why the delve into questions is going to take some time to get ok with yet everyone sees it as a fail. I do not.

AllAboutWineGums · 04/07/2020 05:21

My ex-wife grew up in a DV household, and all her SOs before me treated her badly, one even punched her in the face and broke her nose, I think another threatened to stab her.

That's all she told me. Unfortunately, she didn't tell me how it affected her. Even to this day, she can't open up to people, occasionally if something really gets on top of her, she might share it with one person, but she's always compartmentalising who gets to hear what. The problem is that whenever something gets to her, she just shuts down, and if she can't physically up and move and start over, then emotionally she runs away. Anyway, when she suffered some other personal issues in our marriage (not caused by me!), she wouldn't get help, and she wouldn't open up, she just isolated herself. So the connection died and eventually the marriage because we both ended up lonely.

I guess that's a pretty extreme example, but I think you need to factor in how it can play out in a relationship when deciding what to withhold.

Ritascornershop · 04/07/2020 06:03

My experience is that with the first relationship post-abuse he was great for years then (for whatever reason, maybe mental health issues) he suddenly flipped and started accusing me of all sorts and it was worse as he’d been so kind & knew what I’d been through before. It broke my heart.

Second guy, only went out with him half a dozen times. Seemed nice enough and I prefer honestly so I mentioned (After a few dates) that the ex had been “not very nice” and so it would take me a long time to trust. Well, not very coincidentally he started subtlety criticizing me, saying I was “excitable”, “knew too much” (I earn a fraction of what he does and he seemed quite uncomfortable with me being intelligent), was “quite attractive” (it sounded clinical and grudging, the way he put it). So I decided not to follow up with him. But I think a lot of men would be sneakier and wait till they’d got you hooked and then start up. So now I plan on being extremely slow to divulge, if ever.

You owe them no explanations.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 04/07/2020 08:43

I’m one who shuts down instead of letting it out, well I wasn’t but I’ve become one. There was no point in sharing because he loved it when I was weak so I kept it all in, he also didn’t care so was no point in sharing anything.

It seems like a hard one and it seems that there are not a lot of nice people out there.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 04/07/2020 14:02

I would wait at least 10 years. And only if there were zero (genuinely none) issues with the relationship. And even then I'd think twice.

ThePathToHealing · 04/07/2020 14:13

I just kept it vague "he wasn't very nice". Most people kind of infer from that.

Once it became clear that my symptoms were getting worse (2 years in) I gave a few more details. 9 years in and my PTSD is causing me to collapse sometimes so I can't hide it but he's been 100% supportive including no sexual contact until I'm ready to do it without checking out so to speak.

I think you should disclose the minimum needed to get your needs met, whether that's being listened to, putting clear boundaries in place or support through treatment.