How did you approach past abuse with new partner?

[Fightingback16]

I just wondered how you approach a new relationship after coming out of an abusive one? It’s obviously a very large part of us and it would have to be someone understanding as I personally could not keep it a secret. I have PTSD and there are things I just don’t like, eg things round my neck or loud noises in my ear.
Do you just come out with it, I would be worried it would scare them off!

Not that I’m ready for one!

PicsInRed why do you say that?

If you don’t tell someone then how can you explain your triggers to them? For me that was the most important reason to tell my (now) DH

@user1493413286

PicsInRed why do you say that?

If you don’t tell someone then how can you explain your triggers to them? For me that was the most important reason to tell my (now) DH

Often abuse victims are targeted by abusers - perhaps a slightly different kind of abuser.

Telling an abuser you've been abused is information they can use to more efficiently break you. That's why its so important to be careful about waiting a long time and, even then, being very cautious about who you choose to tell.

10 years is a long time and I’m much more “intelligent” to the world now. I will never accept that again! I was very much kidnapped by my husband that will never happen again!!!!!

Oh 10 years before telling them not 10 years before starting dating!

Sorry, i havent read all the replies but from my own experience (and advice i got from a domestic violence counselor) don't tell a new bf/partner anything specific until the relationship is well established. If (and i really hope this doesnt happen) you end up meeting someone else who is abusive, they can copy behaviours which happened in your previous relationship. It happened to me and it was horrific. I came out of an abusive relationship, very vulnerable, gir into a new relationship far too quick, turned out it was with an addict/abuser. I told him all about my ptevious experience so he knew exactly what would work to upset me, distress me and control me. That relationship ended up being as bad as the first. When i went to a counsellor who specialised in domestic abuse she said they always advise clients to never divulge info about previous relationships to a new partner for this very reason.

I used it as a sort of test. There's a trigger I have (something very innocuous), and I told DH at the start of our relationship that I didn't like X but not why - I just said it was a quirk etc, wondering if he would press me on it. He never even questioned it and has literally never done it in 14 years. After about 10 years I told him some bare details about the abuse, but not everything and I've still not explained the trigger. But my word without explanation is good enough for him, and that's therefore good enough for me, IYSWIM.

OMG how many potentially abusive men are there out there!

Yeah don't say it until you know it's serious.

@Fightingback16

Oh 10 years before telling them not 10 years before starting dating!

Yes, just before telling them. No need to send yourself off to the nunnery. 😂

If if I told them the shit I’d put up with they would look at me like I was mad and run a mile! It sounds ridiculous to myself!

I’ve been feeling guilty lately at leaving. I don’t want to be back there and I’m glad I found a way out but he is not doing so well and I feel bad for him. Not bad I want to fix it just sorry that he is sad. I did love him once (I think) and I don’t want to see him suffer no matter what he did to me. He still has not sent off for child contact proceedings and he received my letter from the court that I’ve issued financial proceedings. I am in no way enjoying what I have to do but I have to push through the courts as he will get to me otherwise with the guilt. I’m not stopping contact with dd or using the court as a weapon or payback and it hurts me to be ruthless but I have no choice. It’s very hard all this on the emotions.

It really does sound very draining and you are clearly an empathetic and loving person.

I found my ex was suffering until he found someone else and it all changed, he even went to all my family when I wasn't there to tell them about his new partner.

Just be careful that the violins aren't an extension of him trying to exert control. Especially as he will now how lovely you are.

Just to provide a bit of balance the relationship after the abusive ex who is now my DH is a healthy one; we do argue but I am never scared of him. It is true that there is a likelihood of being in more than one abusive relationship but it’s not a certainty.
For me having counselling to understand that it was not my fault and work on my self esteem/self worth helped and taking it slow with my now DH was very important. I’m aware that relationships can turn abusive years on and I have made sure that I can leave if I wanted through having my own financial resources and my own income. I would also like to think that I would recognise it earlier and be more confident to leave as I know I survived once and I will again.
In terms of the guilt you’re feeling it’s another way he’s trying to exert control; I stayed in contact with my ex for far too long due to feeling guilty. I later discovered that he’d started another relationship in that time and been telling all his friends (and some of mine) a story about me leaving that put all the blame on me. I found the less contact I had the better I healed.

He sent me an email the other day that I stupidly read. He knows not to contact me direct and has several lawyers letters. I wondered why he send it then I realised after going to the house today to collect more of my things he had received notification from the courts of my financial proceedings. In the email he went on about how is family is suffering back home and he needs money to take care of them, he is depressed, he wants to be friends, he doesn’t want me wasting my money on lawyers because we in a recession. Yes I feel sorry but I know I could be being controlled so will keep on with the plans. I don’t feel great but my future is my concern.

At the house today I also found this weird poem he had written, it was left in plane sight so it felt like he wanted it to be read in the hope I went over.

I can never tell if this man is an absolute psychopath or I’m just being over the top! Whatever the answer I’ll never return!

He wrote in the email he wants joint custody so that if I meet and Australian I can’t take his child away! At the moment he has no contact, surely that’s the important step he needs to sort out!